tiramochi

[tiramochi]

here, only because i know the people in question will never read this:

ive spent my entire life alone. burying myself in things that never mattered to fill this hole in me. i liked this self-sufficiency. it was easier and safer than relying on others for fulfillment. i didn't matter, i was inherently defective, and spending any time with me would fast reveal those deficiencies. it was a minefield.

yet im so grateful to have a handful of old friends, friends i've grown beside, friends dear to me who i've grown distant from with time. friends who at this point have known me for more than a decade through this selfishness and still, still, when i was utterly crushed, when i couldn't bring myself to move, to forcibly sustain myself as i had before everything i cared about was tainted, when i finally couldn't see anything ahead but the wish to die, they were there for me.

and in recent times, a (relatively) newer friend i can trust with my life, someone i can honestly say i never expected to grow so close to. hopefully they feel the same about me. hopefully i can begin to be that person now to others, someone to rely upon, and to bring comfort when most needed.

it's funny, isn't it? the vagaries of fate, which in themselves are cause for hope. you never know what life will lay at your doorstep, those unexpected gifts both startling and wonderful. that fleeting love was one of those, but it came and left so swiftly, nothing but rubble in its wake. but also, a renewal, a rebirth. it tore me open, enough for me to reform as something altered. there's no animosity or resentment, except, possibly, a wish that all this mattered, somehow. it doesn't matter, now, only these lessons i can take for myself. i think, in many ways, i needed this to happen. i hope it'll be these bonds that last

so i only just realised i was never as alone as i thought.

in these months i've cried an uncountable number of times. this time it's out of gratitude

#hush

[tiramochi]

ALSO HELLOOOO????? can't believe they had gay sex right in front of me..... I was blushing and sweating reading this at work 😵‍💫

#I AM EARMARKING THIS FOR YULETIDE #literally holding my head and grinning so hard as i read this bit #i need them like i need air #exordia #anna sinjari #ssrin

[tiramochi]

"you have a responsibility to consider how your writing would affect other people" literally 50% of writing is manipulating the audience by setting tone and mood and drawing them in to fuck with their emotions. writers do NOTHING but consider how our writing is affecting other people and this is implying that our moral imperative is to make them feel warm and fuzzy which it is not

#emotional manipulation hell… yea

[tiramochi]

an open letter to my future love

i want to watch a show with you

and hold your hand

#i want to be treated tenderly #all the things that were once impossible #i want to do them with you #hush

[tiramochi]

i love you with every bit of conscience I was born with.

#and that's what you never understood #if i can't say it anywhere else or ever again #i love you i love you i love you #hush

[tiramochi]

I’ve been given so much grace I don’t deserve

#hush

[tiramochi]

something in me broke and i feel so lost

i somehow accomplished a lot last year and yet none of it made me feel any less hollow. though there's still a certain irony in how things turned out

what i want, now, isn't something that can be attained by working hard. what i thought i wanted, before, was at least measurable. this lack of control is excruciating. everything i have to consider is overwhelming.

i still couldn't bear to touch a pen for months. now, i think, what was the point? you take the pieces and you jam them together as best you can. you hold your guts in place before they unravel.

life goes on. you have to fight to make something of yourself.

#hush

[tiramochi]

Louis de Pointe du Lac & Lestat de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles, 1976-2018)

#obsessed with these two from 11pm-2am daily #tf i thought the books were bad??? WHAT IS THIS #THE MOST ROMANTIC THING IVE EVER READ #interview with the vampire #louis de pointe du lac #lestat de lioncourt

[tiramochi]

Art by Antonio Reinhard

#art #antonio reinhard #i wish i didn't like their art so much #but it fascinates me

[tiramochi]

i think a maybe underrated aspect of being alive in the world and not becoming subsumed by the quiet horror of being alive in THIS world is sometimes to just.......go off the deep end a teeny bit & acquire a plethora of interesting facts about the countless things around you

#reminder

[tiramochi]

truly still a writer because the first instinct is to vomit the pain out in words

#hush

[tiramochi]

for the longest time i silently admired arknights char designs / art but resisted getting into it for many reasons. i am bad at tower defense. i do not wish to fall into the swamp of another gacha game obsession. i am tired of learning a new game, etc

in the end my tipping point was. tails

#arknights #chongyue #zuo le #welcome to hell

[tiramochi]

Adrift

by Mark Nepo

Everything is beautiful and I am so sad. This is how the heart makes a duet of wonder and grief. The light spraying through the lace of the fern is as delicate as the fibers of memory forming their web around the knot in my throat. The breeze makes the birds move from branch to branch as this ache makes me look for those I’ve lost in the next room, in the next song, in the laugh of the next stranger. In the very center, under it all, what we have that no one can take away and all that we’ve lost face each other. It is there that I’m adrift, feeling punctured by a holiness that exists inside everything. I am so sad and everything is beautiful.

[tiramochi]

heartbreak is so aptly named im pitch-drunk on love and grief sick and nauseous with it

i cant help but think, if only it had been a different time a different place. if only i had been better.

[tiramochi]

when you lie on your side and try to sleep but the void in your chest makes you want to throw up

#my eyes are so blurry from crying #hush

[tiramochi]

Nohr moms

#fire emblem fates #so cool love your headcanons

[tiramochi]

#ITS THEJ WATER OFF THE PEAS