tinylittlecubby

[tinylittlecubby]

Thought record:

Situation: Checking the syllabus and general course material for my classes this semester

Thoughts:

" Ugh i remember this from the last time i hated learning these"

"I remember being annoyed by how these pages are designed i find them hard to read and follow. What did that doctor say about my visuo learning skills? Was i better at audio or visual i cant remember"

"The assignment is due in the middle of the week???? Thats dumb"

"We better not be starting with the GUI assignment i hated that the first time it made no sense"

"I wonder if we have any videos still in this syllabus to help with learning. *after checking* theres a section for it but its empty. I hope they add supplemental videos here"

" I REALLY NEED to attend those study sessions for both of these courses it helped so much for python"

"I remember struggling with these practice questions before. I'm gonna try my best again with them this time. I can always ask the teacher for guidance while im working on them just like i did in math"

update may 6th:

"good thing i brought these liners i knew i would get my period"

"maybe i got so upset yes because i feel dismissed and disregarded by her but ALSO....because i was getting my period. Would also explain my messed up sleep schedule"

#thought record

[tinylittlecubby]

NEW INSECURITY JUST DROPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its of course partially related to the first patch but now there is the dlc adaption which now includes never being believed AND being dismissed. i need to put my entire self into school to the point that it becomes disruptive to my home life, like literally only at home to sleep,shower and cook (gonna be getting into a LOT of walking. AHT AHT! I have a gym membership that has showers fuckin BLESS!) I need to build my own life away from this fucking place. I was so happy when i was living on my own man to the point that it literally made me manic like FUCK!

im tired of being around self effacing people

im tired of being around self deprecating people

im tired of being around naive people

im tired of being around emotion first people

im tired of self-abandoning people

where are the people that are secure in themselves

im not saying that im that 100% but im trying to become more like that and i cant learn to be like that when im around people that are the complete opposite and its driving me crazy

#thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

fromis' chaeyoung for @shanbini HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERI! ♡

[tinylittlecubby]

Just watched: Zone of Interest

Review:

Unfortunately I found it very boring. The sound design of course was grotesque and I applaud that but narrative wise I found it dry.

Unfortunately after experiencing psychosis TV shows and movies do not hit the same unless they are more absurd in nature, but things that confirm what i already know about the world do not hit me at all

#thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

current time: 2024 april 4th 7:27pm

current mood: aggravated/frustrated

circumstances: i dont know why she struggles to understand that when i say i never benefited from being seen as attractive im talking about BEING FUCKING SEXUALLY HARASSED AND SEXUALIZED FROM A YOUNG AGE!!!!!!!!!

IM NOT FUCKING INTERESTING IN DATING

IM NOT FUCKING INTERESTED IN HAVING SEX

IM NOT FUCKING INTERESTED IN MARRYING

IM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING A MODEL

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FFFAAACCCKKK DOES MY APPEARANCE HELP ANY OF MY FUCKING GOALS????????

The amount of times OLD ass men have harassed me is fucking insane. The amount of times guys tried to arrange transactional deals with me in exchange for my body without blatant terms on the table and without express intentions on the table is insane. The amount of WOMEN!!!! That have done the same.

I do not have goals in my life that have ANYTHING to do with partnering romantically with someone ANYBODY. Its not exactly like when the fucking job market was tough that my appearance was exactly getting me any fucking jobs. the only job that fucking worked for me and just fucking barely was literal sex work. yipee for me! i wish i could end my life so fucking badly i hate living in this world with these shallow fucking people who all they want to do is fuck and?????? i dont know what else they want to do. like dont get me wrong orgasms are fun but i can just give them to myself i dont WANT to involve another person. in regards to finding people attractive famous or not its like 99% just shits and giggles but honestly if they do even a single thing i dont like i will cut them off, i wont just keep them around because i find them hot I DONT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. My life feels like a cosmic clerical error and that i wasnt supposed to ever be born.

I dont empathize with other people i genuinely dont. I dont literally physically feel what they feel because IM NOT IN THEIR BODY! I dont know how other people do that i dont im sorry. I cognitively understand obviously because its easy to understand that 2+2=4 cause thats super clear but in terms of physically embodying their feelings how that does help anyone??? Cant we just solve the problem and go back to having fun???

I do not want to be desired sexually, I want to be desired (for FUCKING lack of a better term) for my ideas and skill set. I want people to be like "We have this problem and we know exactly who to call to get it fixed" I want people to be inspired by me. But i cannot stress how much i do not want to be desired sexually please please please please DO NOT do that. Its fine if someone finds me attractive i cant really do anything about that but i want them to keep that to themselves. In terms of sex I cant do anything for people in that area. I have my own fantasies that are for me and my mind only but i dont actually want to do anything with that because 1) i just dont want to and 2)BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY ABOUT IT.

I could honestly journal about this forever but im not sure if it makes me feel better or worse. I miss my old teacher so fucking bad but this is definitely not something that i could talk to him about (thats fucking hilarious) but even with the TA, JS saying that he might be singing about me mad me want to commit truthfully. Wow, are these the consequences of being sexually assaulted at 4 years old? (honestly like 50% i think so and 50% i think i would be like this even without it because how people act it is extremely ineffective and inefficient)

#mood tracker

[tinylittlecubby]

why is being a fangirl one of the best things in the world what the hellllllllllllllllllll

#its toooooo fun #thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

current time: 2024 april 24th

current mood: posi neutral

im going to start playing genshin impact and im watching a hsn vod right now. im supposed to be doing errands right now but like yesterday i am giving myself the day off today. i woke up pretty late today so it already felt like a wash. i will try and get some errands done after 3pm today (ESPECIALLY if genshin isnt finished downloading) but otherwise im in a good, relaxed mood

#mood tracker

[tinylittlecubby]

[tinylittlecubby]

yeah next step is posting hole

[tinylittlecubby]

[tinylittlecubby]

Im gonna shuffle my giant playlist of every song i like and if the very first one that plays isnt exactly what i want to hear right this second im gna lose it

[tinylittlecubby]

thinking about how good friendship is…..like two people just like each other….and choose over and over to spend time with each other……quite special how diverse human relationships are..every friendship is special and u cant be close friends with everybody…..for some unknown reason certain people just enjoy each other..and i think we take for granted how fantastic that is

#this is why friendships are the superior relationship #the only value exchange is perspective #and the stakes are safe #thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

current time: 2024 april 24th 12:06am

current mood: melancholic

reflection:

as per the definition of the mood there doesnt seem to be a specific trigger. before feeling like this i was having fun watching hsns live stream of him and his friends beating up a car. stream ended and started thinking about the goals i have in life and not feeling particularly capable. started to also think about suiside and how the medication on my desk would put me in a deep coma instead of likely end it. currently feeling melancholic. need to sleep as it is very much past my bed time.

#mood tracker #gotta start a new tag for this

[tinylittlecubby]

everybody give it up for this brand of green. round of applause for most under appreciated green

#everything reminds me of him #thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

[tinylittlecubby]

I want to be alone so bad fuck

#thoughts

[tinylittlecubby]

I have so much work to do on myself. I can't be getting frustrated with them when I do what I do. The difference is only I suffer the consequences of my irresponsibility

#which is a huge difference #thoughts