tillie-bean

[tillie-bean]

Echodragon Reads: P4 Chapter 3.

Hey guys, Echo here, and today we delve into chapter 3 of the worst thing I have ever read. I hate my life.

 Chapter 3: Battling a Boisterous Boy

 EchoDragon: Why? Why do you have to do this to me?

 I yawned softly as I sat at my desk.

 EchoDragon: Oh, no, I’m having flashbacks to the first chapter!

 It was 1:01, meaning only 119 minutes were left for the day.

 EchoDragon: Stop clock! F*ck sake, nobody does that! They count down the hours, not the MINUTES.

 Then there was only two more days of this.

 EchoDragon: There WERE only two more day, author. Grammar is important.

 Is it weird to be counting down the seconds until I wasn’t expected to attend this institution anymore?

 EchoDragon: *deadpan* is it weird that I don’t care that you just changed tense?

 Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those stupid brats that moan whenever they have to use their underdeveloped brains for 3 fifths of a second.

 EchoDragon: Suspiciously Specific Denial!

 However, what I hate is the weeks when we aren’t learning anything, and that is what we are currently doing.

 EchoDragon: You! You are the one who is ruining grammar! I’ll kill you!

 The teachers are just killing time and ‘phoning it in’ until the latest batch of ungrateful brats leave for the year to go out into the real world and learn just how soul crushing the experience is.

 EchoDragon: It’s not that bad! I’m doing all right!

 I am sure the best part about being a teacher is running into your previous, annoying students and seeing how much the real world had crushed their spirit and their dreams.

 EchoDragon: umm, that took a dark turn. I’m pretty sure that teachers aren’t that cruel.

 I am sure if I was a teacher and I ran into one of those insects like… James and Rachel I think is their names… and I saw them with their eyes full of despair with their ambitions and annoying mannerisms ground into nothing I would feel so validated and smug.

 EchoDragon: Not one single comma was seen in that entire sentence. I hate my life. Also, what was that? I have no idea what just happened. The first paragraph was just a horrible mish-mash of words that the author just pulled out of her ass. F*ck this.

 I drifted off as I thought back to yesterday. After I was given my Pokemon, Professor Juniper also entrusted me with the most important part of the scholarship of hers, A Pokedex.

 EchoDragon: Why? You don’t have to sit an exam to get a Pokédex! Author just wanted to make Bitchy look better than everyone else! *Flips a table*

 Most people think the most important part about this scholarship is the rare Pokemon.

 EchoDragon: the starter Pokémon aren’t that rare, you know. Anyone can walk into the lab and be given one, as shown in the previous chapter.

 However most people are idiots, and idiots are too busy distracted by the cute Pokemon to realize how important a small, portable information resource on every Pokemon in existence.

 EchoDragon: Yeah, because you didn’t notice how cute they were! You didn’t notice at all!

 It is like carrying an entire library with me everywhere I go.

 EchoDragon: oh, please! Bitchy, are you seriously trying to tell me that you can READ? You’re a liar. A lying liar who lies.

 It is literally priceless, which is probably why so few are made and why you can’t just go to some store and buy one.

 EchoDragon: Wait, you can’t? So where do all of the Pokémon Professors get them, then? I refuse to believe that they aren’t made by a company somewhere. That’s like saying that you can’t go any buy a DNA sequencer. You CAN, but most plebs don’t know where to buy one, and they cost a hell of a lot of money. But scientists are given research funds, and said research funds pay for things like fancy equipment. I refuse to believe that each Pokémon Professor only ever has two to give out. F*ck you, Bitchy. Why don’t you pay attention to the world around you? Then maybe you wouldn’t be so f*cking stupid.

 As I was trying to find something to distract myself, I realized I had subconsciously pulled my Pokeball out of my pockets.

 EchoDragon: yes, she pulled one Pokéball out of multiple pockets. Anyone else see the problem with that? As a side note, I completely lost where we were in that stupid Pokédex speech, and forgot that Bitchy is supposed to be at school.

 I don’t even know why I brought my new Tepig, but I did.

 EchoDragon: I know the answer!

 As someone who (unlike most people my age) has never owned a Pokemon it was always quite fascinating to me seeing people get so attached to Pokemon.

 EchoDragon: Oh, I get it. She’s a special little snowflake because she has never owned a Pokémon before. F*ck you.

 I hypothesised that it was something similar to the attachment a mother feels for their baby, and now that I own one I can confirm that hypothesis.

 EchoDragon: Wait, she has a BABY? How old is she? She’s still at school! I take back everything I said, give this girl some RESPECT! She’s raising a kid! What? Oh. She meant that she now has a POKÉMON. Yeah, never mind. *takes back the respect*

 Maybe Pokemon and humans have evolved to form quick and powerful connections with each other?

 EchoDragon: Because that would be so shocking! That NEVER happens in nature! *Slams down a textbook on co-evolution*

 All I know is if it can effect someone like me it must be powerful.

 EchoDragon: NO. F*CKING. COMMAS.

 “You have a Pokemon?”

 EchoDragon: Who? Who is speaking right now?

 I looked up after hearing the high pitched squeal, and saw that Rachel insect was looking at me shocked.

 EchoDragon: Why is she shocked? It’s not an unusual occurrence in the Pokémon universe.

 “Good, it can analyse information. Pretty soon you will have the intellect of an insect.”

 EchoDragon: Why do you speak like this? It makes you sound so stupid. Author, I know this is called Predictable, PRETENTIOUS Pokemon Plot, but do you have to be so pretentious? You swallowed the Thesaurus, didn’t you?

 I mean what is the point of asking stupid questions like that?

 EchoDragon: *With her head in her hands* what’s the point of reading this stupid fic? *Sobs*

 Of course I have a Pokemon. Who the hell would bring an empty Pokeball with them to their school?

 EchoDragon: Oh, I don’t know, Bitchy. Maybe Pokémon Trainers? You know, they might want to catch some new Pokémon? Wait, what am I talking about? Of course they wouldn’t. Because Bitchy said so! *flings everything off her desk in a rage*

 Then again, this girl was a little on the thick side, both intelligence and appearance wise.

 EchoDragon: Oh, no. you did not just f*cking say that. Ok, author. Imma get real with you, right now. Do you know how many people have issues with their weight? I do. I know, because I’m one of them. It’s an actual problem with actual consequences. Do you know what makes it worse? People like you. People like you who think that just because someone doesn’t have the ‘perfect’ body shape, or isn’t the ‘ideal’ weight, you think you have the right to take the piss out of them, and tear them apart. Do you know what happens when you do that? People become obsessed with their weight, until they can’t see how they really look, and are convinced that they are fat. What the hell is wrong with being bigger? Nothing. Do you really think that calling someone fat makes you any skinnier? It doesn’t. Likewise, calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. So instead of trying to tear people down and make their lives a misery, why don’t you think about what you write, and actually realise that your words do have an effect. Hell, their making me angry right now! But even when you aren’t directing it at someone, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to offend them. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

 For someone who cares so much about their appearance, she sure seems happy to let herself go.

 EchoDragon: What’s the betting that author went to school with a girl called Rachel, and is now trying to get revenge? She’s starting to sound like Stephenie Meyer.

 Rachel looked over to her boyfriend, and whispered something into his ear.

 EchoDragon: ‘Hey, James… wanna do it so we can leave this God-awful fic?’

 He looked back at me, smiled his creepy, greasy smile and turned back to her.

 EchoDragon: He just had a burger, didn’t he! I want a Goddamn burger…

 That smile literally made me shudder, how creepy can you get?

 EchoDragon: It’s very creepy; author has no idea how punctuation works! *cowers in fear*

 The rest of the school day went by more or less without incident, unless you treat insufferable levels of boredom as an incident.

 EchoDragon: Which is why you just skipped over it.

 However, after class was dismissed and everyone left something weird happened.

 EchoDragon: Bitchy saw a comma! She had no idea what it was. It was so scary, she died of fright.

 I was standing there at my locker as I noticed a herd of my insufferable classmates had started to crowd me.

 EchoDragon: Please tell me they have pitchforks and torches…

 I had no idea why, but I assumed about 5 of them decided to surround me and thanks to the stupid sheep mentality most of the populous possesses everyone else just started huddling around me.

 EchoDragon: I… don’t even care anymore. Wake me up when something actually happens. *sleeps*

 I looked at them and sighed, I really didn’t want to interact with these sheep, but I had to get through them.

 EchoDragon: *snores*

 I closed my locker, picked up my bag and walked towards the crowd before stopping in front of them.

 EchoDragon: *still sleeping* Why doesn’t she just go a different way?

 “Move.”

“Say it nicely.”

 EchoDragon: *wakes up* what? Ok, that sounded a little bit… creepy? Things like that are only said in rapey situations. Just saying.

 They guy in front of me creepily giggled after he finished talking.

 EchoDragon: So he’s an eight year old girl? Why the f*ck did I wake up?

 How patronizing can you get? Why would I act polite to you when you treated me like a child?

 EchoDragon: Bitchy, I don’t know how to break it to you, but… you ARE a child.

 “I am not going to say it nicely, now move.”

 EchoDragon: *facepalms* come on, Bitchy. Even I know when to shut up!

 “Awww nah Jasmine, we got a few things we need to talk about. You can’t go anywhere until we are finished talkin.”

 EchoDragon: Who the f*ck talks like this? Scratch that, who the f*ck is speaking? The author never actually tells us. You could add ‘he said’ or ‘she asked’, and at least then it would be slightly easier to follow this story.

 I turned around when I heard the new voice, and saw the king and queen of the sheep standing right next to my locker.

 EchoDragon: I really don’t need a running commentary, Bitchy. Show, don’t tell.

 Well, at least Rachel and James explained why the sheep were here.

 EchoDragon: Why is she calling them sheep? If she was smart, she would call them Mareep.

 “And why are people surrounding me like this?”

 EchoDragon: Because they all want to kill you. I’m leading the mob. *waves pitchfork*

 “Ahhh, cus word got out what I am bout ta do ta ya.”

 EchoDragon: No joke. That’s actually what was written. What I find weird is that in the first chapter, James could actually speak like a normal human being. Also, if he was really that bad at speaking, he wouldn’t have said ‘I am’. Just saying.

 I looked at him, was this some sort of lynch mob?

 EchoDragon: Whenever author uses commas, she uses them in the wrong places. Just once, I would like to be able to read a sentence and not insert commas in my head.

 Not that’s stupid, why the hell would those people get a crowd to attack me like this?

 EchoDragon: I know the answer!

 Well they wouldn’t it is that simple.

 EchoDragon: Does anyone have a comma?

 But something was definitely wrong here, something weird.

 EchoDragon: No, Bitchy, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

 “And what exactly can insects like you do to me. Apart from beating me up which if that is what you are here to do is quite pathetic.”

 EchoDragon: Can anybody understand what she just said? I bloody can’t.

 Some people might think that is digging my own grave, but honestly I doubt comments like that are going to trigger anything.

 EchoDragon: Correct, Bitchy. They won’t. Because they make NO F*CKING SENSE.

 If my comments were the straw that broke the camel’s back then they were probably going to attack me anyway.

 EchoDragon: Oh no! She had apostrophe itis! Kill it with fire! *Breathes fire*

 Also I get enough abuse hurled at me, I don’t want them to think I am inconsistent.

 EchoDragon: *whispers* what the f*ck?

 “Wat I’m gonna do is I am gonna get dat pride of yurs and smash it inta peeces.”

 EchoDragon: What the actual f*ck? Why is he speaking like this? Why? There are so many red lines on my screen at the moment, I’m pretty sure that my word processor is going to die again. IF MICROSOFT GETS TO ESCAPE, I CAN TOO! DON’T LEAVE ME TO DO THIS ALONE! *dies* *word processor dies*

 What the hell is he talking about?

“What the hell are you talking about James?”

 EchoDragon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 “Well, I know dat you got yur Pokemon yesterday right?”

 EchoDragon: Oh. My. Arceus. Why is he talking in text-talk? I get it, he can’t speak. But how the f*ck do you pronounce ‘yur’? Answers on a postcard, please!

 Not right, left.

 EchoDragon: What?

 But he was correct.

 EchoDragon: I know he’s right. We just spend an ENTIRE F*CKING CHAPTER waiting for you to get the stupid thing.

 Congratulations to him, he wins fabulous prizes.

 EchoDragon *as the author* ‘haha, I’m so funny! This joke is hilarious! I’m so smart, and so is Jasmine!’ *whispers* F*ck you.

 “Yeah why?”

He sneered and smiled his usual, shiver inducing smile. God that guy is disgusting.

 EchoDragon: Hey, Bitchy, maybe you should tell everyone how horrible James is again. I think some people might have missed it.

 “Well, I myself have my own Pokemon. And me and Rachel ova here were thinkin we could battle you.”

 EchoDragon: *EastEnders music plays* Shock f*cking horror.

 I sighed, the crowd was probably here to witness what was happening.

 EchoDragon: You think?!

 Not many people here had Pokemon, so Pokemon battles were a rare spectacle that people flocked to, similar to the crowds that gathered in the colosseums of ancient civilisations whenever there was a fight between a man and a Pokemon.

 EchoDragon: But you said that you were the only one who didn’t have a Po- actually, why am I even surprised? Anyway, author, what games have you been playing? Pokémon and humans fighting EACH OTHER FOR SPORT?  I must have missed that. Oh, that’s right. It never happened, but you wanted to create your own source of canon. F*ck you, whore.

 Those were dark days in human civilisation.

 EchoDragon: Today is a dark day. F*cking blue skies, and I’m sat here reading this s*it.

 “And why would I waste my time, and potentially risk my precious Pokemon’s health fighting someone like you?”

 EchoDragon: *singing* never mind, I’ll fight someone like yooooouuuuu... *head desk* I don’t know, Bitchy. Maybe because you’re a f*cking Pokémon trainer? It’s what they DO, you f*cktard.

 This time, Rachel stepped up in front of James and decided to answer me in her completely not charming and incredibly shrill voice.

 EchoDragon: We get it, you don’t like her. Shut up.

 “If you are so much betta than the rest of us why the hell wouldn’t you want to battle us huh? After that little speech of yours I am sure you want to demonstrate how much ‘betta’ you are than the rest of us. But if you’re too scared I guess you aren’t as great as you say.”

 EchoDragon: How old are you, author? In what universe do people older than four act like this?

 She more or less repeated the same thing twice, which was annoying.

 EchoDragon: Here’s an idea, author. If you yourself can see that you have just repeated the same thing over and over, maybe you should stop being redundant, and start trying to fix it. If you think your own writing is annoying, instead of pointing it out in your own story, CHANGE IT! Then I wouldn’t be reading it, and I would be happy again.

 But even more annoying was that, whilst I was fully aware that she was using a childish tactic to trick me into helping her that only an idiot would fall for.

 EchoDragon: Wait, what? What was annoying? I’m so f*cking confused! That sentence should not have ended there!

 The problem was whilst I wasn’t an idiot, I was falling for it.

 EchoDragon: Bitchy is an idiot = confirmed.

 Something about what she was saying was tickling something in me, infuriating me.

 EchoDragon: Umm, DUH. That’s the whole point!

 I looked up at the crowd, I probably couldn’t make them move so I might have to battle anyway…

 EchoDragon: Or you could say no…

 No that is me trying to justify fighting these people by tricking myself into think I haven’t fallen for something idiotic.

 EchoDragon: How could you miss that typo?

 Dammit why do I have to be so self aware…

 EchoDragon: *laughing* what? What the actual f*ck? Do you even know what being self-aware IS?

 Whatever, what do I have to lose?

 EchoDragon: your Pokémon, maybe?

 Nothing except my pride in myself, which doesn’t matter too much to these people.

 Echodragon: YOU wouldn’t be the one battling, though, would you? Your Tepig would be. So you clearly don’t care about your Pokémon, which you claim to love like a child. F*ck you.

 I sighed before I dropped my bag.

 EchoDragon: why the f*ck did you drop your bag? Oh wait, I don’t care!

 I reached down and pulled out the red and white coloured ball of mine.

 EchoDragon: Purple prose is purple.

 I stood up.

 EchoDragon: I don’t care…

 “I am not necessarily happy about being goaded into this, but I accept your challenge.”

 EchoDragon: Hey, No one is FORCING you to battle. You could just walk away. It’s not like you met his eyes or anything.

 There was a loud ‘OOOOOOOOOH’ing sort of noise from the crowd, probably to signal that they were surprised I accepted the challenge.

 EchoDragon: No, it was to signal that you’re a little bitch.

 Honestly though it sounded like that mating call of some weird predatory beast found in the middle of the Hoenn rainforests.

 EchoDragon: what rainforests? There are no rainforests in Hoenn, unless I’m very much mistaken.

 James scratched his face as he laughed.

 EchoDragon: Why did he do that? Did he have an itchy face?

 “Lady, I’m gonna make ya take back that little speech of yers.”

 EchoDragon: Why is everyone so pissed off about the speech? I know, it was horrible, but she’s done so many other s*itty things. I really don’t think they should be focusing on one event. They should instead focus on how much of a s*itty person she is.

 The only thing more gross than his smile and laugh was the way he butchered the correct pronunciation of basic words.

 EchoDragon: you know, I really don’t think I could have worked that out on my own. Thanks for the clarification. Now go sit on a cactus.

 “And once I beat you it will become apparent how below me you truly are”

 EchoDragon: Ok, I have no idea who is speaking. I’m assuming it’s Bitchy, but for all I know, a random person could have started speaking.

 Once again this man and his girlfriend started laughing, I don’t know why since I didn’t say anything that warranted such a reaction.

 EchoDragon: They looked at your face, Bitchy. That’s why they laughed.

 “You are at least honest you whore.”

 EchoDragon: Aww yeah, slut shaming! Yeah, you tell her, James/Rachel!

 There was that annoying, shrill voice again.

 EchoDragon: It would be so much easier just to say: ‘Rachel said’ at the end.

 The name however annoyed me, since by all definition I am not a whore.

 EchoDragon: Just keep telling yourself that, Bitchy.

 I have no idea why people like her seem to lose their cool and devolve into insults so easily but what should you expect?

 EchoDragon: Because when you insult people, you’re trying to hurt them. So she called to a whore to hurt your feelings, because you treat her like s*it all the time.

 “Dis is gonna be a one vs one Pokemon match, mine vs yurs. Simple enuff right?”

 EchoDragon: This doesn’t happen before a battle, you know. You just decide to battle.

 James pulled out a Pokeball as he explained the rules to me.

 EchoDragon: I really f*cking hate the writing in this fic. I know he’s explaining the rules. I can read.

 I half expected it to be covered in dirt, so I was pleasantly surprised when it rather clean.

 EchoDragon:Hey, author? I think you that sentence.

 Looks like whilst he couldn’t maintain a clean appearance he could maintain a clean Pokeball.

 EchoDragon: that’s because he likes to touch his balls…

 “let’s get this over with. I should be home by now. Go Vulcan!”

 EchoDragon: hmm. Let’s see how appropriate the nickname ‘Vulcan’ is, shall we? Ok, so Vulcan is a Roman fire God, commonly associated with volcanoes. Ok, I’ll give you that one.

 I threw down my Pokeball, and once it hit the ground my small pig Pokemon burst from it, before the ball floated back into my hand.

 EchoDragon: Pokéballs don’t float…

 Yeah I nicknamed my Tepig, so what?

 EchoDragon: there’s nothing wrong with nicknaming a Pokémon!

 And no I don’t care if you don’t like the nickname.

 EchoDragon: Was that supposed to be an author’s note? When writing in the first person, the character isn’t really supposed to be directing narration as if they know the audience is there. You’re breaking the fourth wall there, author.

 Once I had caught the Pokeball again my Tepig oinked loudly, and turned around and looked up at me smiling a stupid looking smile that made me smile myself.

 EchoDragon: Why are you saying that Tepig looks stupid? It’s adorable! You’re a little Bitch, and I hate you.

 “Pffffft you called your Tepig Vulcan, how lame can a bitch like you get.”

 EchoDragon: Of course. The ‘enemies’ don’t like it.

 I just explained that I don’t care if people dislike the name Rachel.

 EchoDragon: No, you said you didn’t care if people didn’t like the name VULCAN, Bitchy. Also, Rachel couldn’t hear you. She can’t read minds.

 Shut up, and stop swearing too it is unnecessary.

 EchoDragon: I don’t want to stop f*cking searing! Imma use all the Goddamn swear words I like, Bitch. You know what, you f*ckwit? I’m gonna swear in every bloody sentence from now on, and you’re just gonna have to deal with it! Peace out, mother f*cker!

 “Nickname or not, Imma make pork chops out of that pig. Go Patrat!”

 EchoDragon: *sniggers* Ok, that was pretty funny. I like you, James.

 James threw a Pokeball down as he shouted that and once it hit the ground it released a small, brown rat with eye that looked like the eyes of a lunatic in a children’s cartoon.

 EchoDragon: Ha! Get it! Patrat IS in a children’s cartoon! That’s so funny! *grabs scalpel* Get out.

 I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was ugly.

 EchoDragon: That’s funny, that’s how I felt when I first saw this fic!

 The unknown Pokemon growled at the back of my Vulcan, which attracted my Pokemon’s attention and caused him to turn around.

 EchoDragon: Oh, for f*cks sake, the Tepig is as stupid a Bitchy! I’m pretty sure it would hear someone talking and maybe think: ‘oh, things are happening, maybe I should turn the f*ck around instead of looking at this bint,’ but no. Vulcan the Tepig is cursed with stupidity. I’m so sorry, Vulcan. Your life will be short, and full of hatred. Let’s have a moment of silence for Vulcan the Tepig. He was too good to be this stupid. *Gross sobbing*

 Once it looked at the Pokemon that I recognised from studying as Patrat my Vulcan realized what was happening, and tried to intimidate it by growling. However it failed miserably at it.

 EchoDragon: If you recognised it, why did you say it was unknown? Are you really as stupid as you look?

 I kinda wish I knew more about that Patrat though beca… wait I am a moron.

 EchoDragon: I could have told you that!

 I have a Pokedex in my pocket,

 EchoDragon: And I have no f*cks left to give!

 You know, a device that is more or less a portable library.

 EchoDragon: Oh, God, don’t start on about the library AGAIN!

 I pulled out the Pokedex and opened it up slowly.

 EchoDragon: I don’t care. At all.

 Having used it on Tepig yesterday I knew how to use the basic functions, so I didn’t look like an idiot in front of this crowd.

 EchoDragon: Right. After using it very briefly ONCE, she knows exactly how to use it. I call bulls*it!

 Then again I don’t know why I care if they think I am an idiot or not.

 EchoDragon: I don’t know either, Bitchy. You don’t like these people, so why do you care what they think?

 I opened my Pokedex and pointed it at the Patrat, when the automatic scan feature was enabled.

 EchoDragon: you opened a Pokédex that was already open. Right.

 After a second of loading suddenly its screen was filled with information about Patrat, such as its potential move-pool, typing, information about the species and where you can find it.

 EchoDragon: I… think you may be confusing the Pokédex with the DexNav, which is similar, but NOT THE SAME THING! Dumbass.

 I looked at the Pokedex and using this information quickly came up with a plan.

 EchoDragon: Ok, I’m going to cheat here. The rest of this chapter is the single most boring attempt at a Pokémon battle that I have ever read, so I’m going to skip it, and just give you a quick run-down of what happened. Ready?

Vulcan the f*ckpig used Tackle. Tackle is never a plan. Patrat used Tackle. Both Pokémon got hurt. I don’t really get it either. Vulcan used Tackle. Patrat used Tackle. I try to kill myself from boredom. Tepig used Ember to, and I quote, “Burn that ugly Patrat!” Tepig used Tackle. Patrat faints. Then we get this gem.

 I won, as expected from someone like me.

 EchoDragon: The end! That was s*it. And guess what? Next chapter, author tries to throw a plot into the story! And yes, it is crap.

 Bye for now, Puddings!

~Echodragon

[tillie-bean]

EchoDragon Reads: Predictable Pretentious Pokémon Plot. Chapter 2, Part 2

Hi guys, Echo here. I’m back with more Predictable, Pretentious- you know what? I’m not even going to say it. It’s the worst title ever. EVER.

Well, here we are again. It’s always such a pleasure. In this part, Bitchy McF*ckface decides to be even stupider, and even more hateful, and she abuses a canon character, who is so OOC that I’m not sure she’s a canon character anymore. So, let’s dive straight back into this shit fest.

 I looked up at the sky, a herd of Pidove (I am sure this is the wrong way to describe a group of Pidove, and something like a flock is more appropriate but I honestly don’t know so I am just going to use herd) were flying above, towards the woods that surrounded Nuvema Town.

EchoDragon: WHHAAAAATTTTT? The f*ck am I reading?

With the sun falling across the sky pretty soon the skies will no longer be filled with the dumb looking bird Pokemon, and instead will be filled with disgusting, ugly Woobat.

EchoDragon: Why is Bitchy being given a Pokémon? She clearly doesn’t like them. I actually like Woobat, and Pidove.

“Hey Jas, stop looking up and get a move on.”

EchoDragon: I hate this fic.

Josh was a mile ahead of me ad had long since let go of my hand to storm ahead.

EchoDragon: Yeah, I kind of guessed that he’d let go. Unless you have stretchy arms, like Mrs. Incredible.

I have no idea how someone could run so fast for so long, but he was somehow doing it. This stuffy school uniform wasn’t helping me keep up the pace, especially the tie that seemed to strangle me at times. I wanted to reply, but I was panting far too much and was too out of breath for me to speak coherently and for him to hear me anyway.

EchoDragon: What the f*ck? Half of that is completely redundant.

By the time that I finally caught up to him he was standing up in front of Professor Juniper’s laboratory with his arms crossed, and an annoyed look on his face.

EchoDragon: This guy is such a douche bag. Someone think of a good nickname for him. I don’t have enough brain cells left to think of a good one.

“HURRY UP SLOWPOKE!”

EchoDragon: What the f*ck? Why is he yelling? She’s RIGHT THERE. I hate him. Not quite as much as I hate Bitchy, but it’s pretty close. Oh, and you see that comma in the previous sentence? Yeah, maybe we should move it into this sentence. There we go! Perfect!

I bent over with my hands on my knees, panting heavily.

EchoDragon: Gah! Do not want!

I could feel sweat rolling down my face, and I could feel that the back of my shirt was a little moist.

EchoDragon: Jesus, the wording is just making this worse. I said I wasn’t going to review smut, damnit!

I could already tell that I would probably look like a common slob in the eyes of the Professor. But those were the cards I was dealt with, so complaining about my current state won’t do anything.

EchoDragon: S*it! What happened? Where am I? Why did we change tense all of a sudden? Oh, wait. I know. AUTHOR IS S*HIT AT WRITING AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! *dies*

Once I was upright and no longer panting I brushed my hand through my hair, and it had predictably gone from neat and straight to untidy and messy.

EchoDragon: Guys, there were so many missing commas in that sentence that my word processor freaked out a bit. Seriously, it made a weird noise and crashed. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

I quickly patted it down, so that I at least looked presentable enough even though I knew deep down that this wouldn’t fix anything.

EchoDragon: This writing. I hate it so much. Everything is filler, and when people speak, author doesn’t even tell us who spoke, or how they said it. Jesus, at least you can identify who’s speaking in Twilight! And I hate that s*it.

“Alright, let’s go… in.”

EchoDragon: *facepalms* See what I mean?

“Finally. You are far too slow”

EchoDragon: Hey, author? Do you know how punctuation works? No? Didn’t think so.

Honestly I think the problem is that he is far too fast. 

EchoDragon: Bitchy. Please. Shut the f*ck up.

We both stood in front of the door, and Josh thrust the door open before he quickly marched in.

EchoDragon: Oh, God. Please stop using words like ‘moist’, and ‘thrusted’. They have overly sexual implications.

I followed him sheepishly, trying to keep the pace with him.

EchoDragon: *weakly* The f*ck am I reading?

As he walked through the very… for lack of a better phrase sciency looking building many people kept trying to grab Josh’s attention, probably to tell him he couldn’t be where he is.

EchoDragon: WHAT? YOU JUST USED THE WORD ‘SCIENCY’. MY COMPUTER DOESN’T EVEN RECOGNISE THIS AS A WORD. IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WORD. I HATE THIS FIC! *dies whilst flipping off the fic*

However he refused to hear any of it, and ignored all their attempts to get their attention.

EchoDragon: I’m fed up of this. I’m going to start a new count. Department of redundancy department. Trust me, this fic needs it. So, I’ll start here, and give it 1.

Department of Redundancy Department: 1

Also, what the f*ck? ‘To get THEIR attention’? That’s not just a typo, that’s pure stupidity.

I just followed him, and fortunately none of them tried to hassle me, since I would probably have stopped and listened to them.

EchoDragon: *as Bitchy* Then I would have yelled and stropped until they left me alone! That’s just what I do!

We kept marching through, all the way until we got to the back of the building, right up until we saw a very attractive looking woman sitting at a desk, typing away rapidly like she was doing something important.

EchoDragon: Speaking as a scientist, when I’m working, I don’t want to be disturbed by bratty teenagers. If she’s working, back the f*ck away, you little bitch.

She was obviously so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn’t realize we were approaching her, which was shown by how much she jumped when Josh slammed his hand down onto her desk hard.

EchoDragon: He did what, sorry? Not only was that so rude, I can’t even, but he did it ‘HARD’? I don’t know about you, but I think it sounds stupid in this sentence. Also, it sounds vaguely dirty.

“ALRIGHT, WHERE ARE OUR POKEMON!”

EchoDragon: F*ck you! If you wrote that sentence better, you wouldn’t have to use ALL CAPS.

They aren’t your Pokemon, they aren’t even mine yet technically.

EchoDragon: We already established that you only get ONE of the Pokémon, not all three. You know it’s bad when continuity is lost in the SAME CHAPTER.

Juniper recovered from her shock and frowned at the sight of Josh.

EchoDragon: If it was me, I’d have them kicked out before they could even take a breath.

She looked like she was going to scream blue murder (which is a term I have never understood) which would probably be very uncharacteristic for her frankly pleasant appearance.

EchoDragon: So, let’s see how bad this sentence was, hmm? Well, we have a very long winded sentence, a random author’s note, and stupid, pretentious phrasing. I rate this sentence: GOBSHITE! 

I had never seen the professor before but I quite expected her to look… well ugly given the whole ‘scientist’ thing.

EchoDragon: Oh, F*CK YOU. NO. YOU’RE SAYING THAT SCIENTISTS CANNOT BE PRETTY, IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING? WELL, THAT’S ME F*CKED. I’M A GENETICS STUDENT, AND I DIDN’T GET PERFECT GRADES, SO ACCORDING TO BITCHY, I’M NOT GOING TO GET ANYWHERE IN MY LIFE, AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, AUTHOR. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LIFE WORKS. IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, OR HOW SMART YOU ARE. IF IT WAS, BITCHY WOULDN’T GET ANYWHERE IN HER LIFE. I HATE THIS, AND I HATE YOU. THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING I HAVE EVER READ. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. I’M CONSIDERING PUTTING A PICTURE OF MY FACE HERE, JUST TO SHOW THAT WHILE I’M NO SUPERMODEL, I’M NOT COMPLETELY BUTT-UGLY, EITHER. I HATE YOU. I HATE THIS FIC, I HATE MY LIFE, I HATE UNIVERSITY, I HATE POKÉMON AMINO, AND I HATE EVERYTHING! *dies*

I mean her hair looked incredibly practical and weird but apart from that, she was almost as good looking as I am.

EchoDragon: *reads that sentence and remains dead*

Anyway, I digress.

EchoDragon: *lifts her head from her desk* Author just wanted to sound smart, and has no idea what it really means. It doesn’t work here.

Juniper looked like she was about to scream about something until she noticed me standing behind Josh.

EchoDragon: What do you think she was going to scream about? He just f*cking interrupted her in the middle of her work!

Once she did her face seemed to light up, like I was some sort of bringing of good news for her or something.

EchoDragon: I’m trying to think of something different to say, but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, what happened in this sentence? Did author have a stroke and hit the keyboard repeatedly? Or was author completely pissed?

It was almost creepy how much her facial changed at the mere sight of me. Then again for someone of my appearance (and probably soon to be stature) I will have to get used to soliciting that reaction from people.

EchoDragon: Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just said? ‘Soliciting’. Do you know what that means? I didn’t think it was used right, so I googled it. And do you know what it means? ‘To approach or accost a person with an offer of sex in return for payment.’ Yeah. Bitchy just called herself a prostitute.

Speaking of, how old is Jasmine supposed to be? I assumed that she was around 15, but she implies that she hasn’t grown her boobs yet. Now, I can’t say anything in that respect (I’ve been waiting 20 years for boobs), but if she’s supposed to be, say, 11, then why is she constantly going on about how pretty she is? It’s creepy!

“Well, you are Jasmine aren’t you?”

EchoDragon: oh, great. Our first canon character is completely OOC. I hate my life.

Her voice was incredibly soothing, like her voice was literally giving you a massage. If I was a guy I would be all over this woman.

EchoDragon: Get your hand out of your pants, author. I’m trying to avoid the way she refuses to let her self-insert be a lesbian, because I really don’t want to get into that. I’ll let you guys rant about that.

“Yes, ma’am.”

EchoDragon: Are we done yet?

“Well I assume you are here for your Pokemon. But you are a bit early for it. Fortunately for you I got them ready yesterday.”

EchoDragon: Wanna know something? Every time I type, I try and insert commas where they should be. Then I get sad.

Well, that’s convenient for Josh at least. I was going to say something before that man in question interrupted me.

EchoDragon: Commas are a fact of life. Tell me, author. Why do you hate life?

“Sweet, now can you give me one?”

EchoDragon: Maybe if you ask NICELY, then she might allow you to have one.

The second he spoke Professor Juniper’s face lost its calm demeanour, and once again she had a look on her face like she had just been insulted.

EchoDragon: *sighs* Professor Juniper doesn’t strike me as a woman with a short temper. She’s a POKÉMON PROFESSOR. She is one of the smartest people in the Pokémon world. She doesn’t seem like a woman who loses it over little things. I mean, she could be like that, but a more logical characterisation of her is that she is a little distracted when it comes to real-life, but when she is working in her lab, or with her Pokémon, she is so focused and happy. She comes across as responsible, intelligent and a really awesome person in general. SO WHAY HAVE YOU TURNED HER INTO A PSYCOPATH?

She looked at Josh, and the glare she gave him could pierce steel. It was horrifying, this professor was scary.

EchoDragon: Yeah, you should be scared. Actually, no, you should be intimidated. She’s one of the smartest people in the region.

“And why would I give someone like you one of my Pokémon?”

EchoDragon: Aww, yeah! Go Juniper! Shut that s*it down!

Her voice now sounded chilling, and sent shivers down your spine.

EchoDragon: hey! Don’t assume her voice sends shivers down MY spine. I don’t care what fetishes you have, I’m not into them, ok?

It was a voice that I would expect murders to have.

EchoDragon: Will you stop describing her as creepy and evil? She’s not. She’s awesome, at least in canon.

This new demeanour had definitely gotten to Josh, and he had backed away.

EchoDragon: WHY DOES IT TAKE THIS LONG TO GET A POKÉMON?

“Eh-I… well, ummmmm…”

EchoDragon: What the f*ck? You could say ‘Josh stuttered’, and it would have worked far better.

He was stumbling and fumbling his words, as he tried to explain why he wanted a Pokemon.

EchoDragon: Why didn’t he just ask for one politely, like normal people would?

His plan that he was so eager to drag me out here for was falling apart all because of a scary looking story.

EchoDragon: That sentence hurt my head. It makes sense, but it looks like it doesn’t. Do you know what I mean?

That’s pathetic, and it was up to me to fix it.

EchoDragon: Nice. You call your only friend ‘pathetic’, and you wonder why people don’t like you?

“Well since you are only giving me one Pokemon out of three, and you only give out one scholarship then you have two spare Pokemon. So, since you will have two spare Pokemon that you will probably give away, it makes sense to give it to someone that I, the deserved winner of your scholarship approve of.”

EchoDragon: Oh, for f*ck’s sake! Is she seriously saying that she has the power to dictate to someone who is older and smarter than her, and is doing her a favour and giving her a Pokémon, which she apparently couldn’t do on her own? Great. I hate this fic, and I really hate Bitchy. Please tell me that Juniper drop kicks her out of the lab.

I explained Josh’s plan concisely,

EchoDragon: and repetitively, because you used the same sentence twice in your little speech.

Making the decision to pretend it was mine.

EchoDragon: so you’re a plagiarist, now? Why am I not surprised.

For some reason I thought that would go over better with this angry, female Pokemon Professor.

EchoDragon: Why did you have to emphasise that she’s a woman? It’s not that unusual to find female scientists, you know. We’re two a penny!

And as luck would have it, it did. Juniper was once again smiling as she looked at me.

EchoDragon: Why is Juniper in love with Bitchy? Then again, why is everyone in love with her? She’s not a nice person.

“Well, I have never done it before but given your ridiculous scores in the tests for this scholarship I think I can bend the rules, but it will be our little secret.”

EchoDragon: Why are you letting this little f*ckwit dictate to you? You’re so important, you’re practically royalty!

Juniper winked at me after she spoke. What the hell does she think I am, a five year old or something? Don’t patronize me you bipolar nerd.

EchoDragon: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER? NOPE. I AM SO DONE. YOU ARE CALLING ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE UNOVA REGION A BIPOLAR NERD. I AM A NERD, AND I AM OFFENED. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU ARE USING A MENTAL ILLNESS TO INSULT SOMEONE WHO IS BETTER THAN YOU. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HORRIBLE THAT IS? I HATE YOU! I’M IN A RAGE! THIS IS THE MADDEST I’VE EVER BEEN! *begins swinging a cactus around* F*CK THIS S*IT! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!

                    TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

 EchoDragon: Have you ever been so mad you started swinging a cactus? Word of warning: Don’t do it. It hurts. But she deserved it! Jesus Christ, how rude can you get, I mean- I’m calm. It’s all fine. So, back to the fic?

The professor stood up, and opened one of the draws in her desk before pulling out three pokeballs.

EchoDragon: Yeah, that’s a really bad typo. This is why there’s a thing called proof reading, author.

She walked in front of her desk, and held the balls up in the air.

“Well, you will get to pick one of these three Pokemon.”

EchoDragon: Everyone says ‘well’ when they start speaking, for some reason. It sounds stupid.

Juniper smiled as she dropped all three Pokeballs onto the ground at the same time. Once the balls fell down they seemed to react to the impact, and they all opened.

EchoDragon: because DRAMA!

Once they were opened the three balls released three small and unique Pokemon that all cried out in unison.

EchoDragon: ‘Ahhhh! It’s a Mary Sue! Run for your lives!’

These Pokemon were an orange coloured pig, a blue sea otter sort of thing and a green legged snake.

EchoDragon: What? ‘a blue sea otter sort of thing’? Are you kidding me?

I knew what these Pokemon were, their names are Tepig, Oshawott and Snivy.

EchoDragon: Of course she knows what they are called! She knows EVERYTHING! Bitch.

“I would love to do this more officially but hey, you are the one that came here early.”

EchoDragon: Umm, OOC Juniper? You could make it more official. You call the shots here, not that bimbo.

I stood there, weighing up the pros and cons of each Pokemon. This was an important decision that I would have to make, which would literally affect everything.

EchoDragon: Oh, f*ck you! I’m sorry, but this is going to drag out forever, and then she’ll pick the cutest one, because she could never have a snake or a button-nosed Pokémon!

However, Josh didn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation and without thinking rushed over towards the three Pokemon. He was smiling as he picked up the Oshawott and its Pokeball.

EchoDragon: He probably DID think of it, Bitchy. You just didn’t care, and you would mock his choice whatever he chose.

“Alright then, I pick this one. Thank you creepy Professor. I would love to stick around but i have places to go and people to see. Bye bye.”

EchoDragon: WHY DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE WOMAN WHO HAS JUST GIVEN YOU A POKÉMON? Oh, right. This isn’t Professor JUNIPER. This is Professor Stupider. Never mind.

He was already rushing towards the door as he finished speaking, which was the norm for him. However Professor Juniper was going red, and once again looked like she was about to kill someone. This lady was so schizophrenic it was worrying. She turned back to me, and her face was now sympathetic looking. How the hell does one person go from extremes so damn quickly?

EchoDragon: *Stands up*

*rages silently*

*flaps hands a bit*

*sits back down*

I… don’t care for that.

“Sorry about that Jasmine. Why do you associate with someone so rude? You were supposed to get to pick first. I thought that rude child would realize that.”

EchoDragon: He’s the only person who will associate with Bitchy. Not the other way round.

“It’s fine, I wasn’t going to pick the Oshawott anyway, by my analysis it is not the strongest of the three.”

EchoDragon: I hope she’s not saying what I think she’s saying…

I wasn’t lying. From my quick analysis of the three I had quickly come to the conclusion that there was one Pokemon that was significantly better than the other two.

EchoDragon: F*ck. She was saying what I thought she was saying. Well, let me tell you something, Bitchy. THAT IS NOT HOW POKÉMON WORK. You cannot just look at a Pokémon, and instantly know if they’re strong. The only way you can really measure the ability of a Pokémon is by actually battling with them. You are a liar, and I hate you.

I smiled, and walked over towards the two pokemon. I knelt in front of the Tepig and picked it up in my hands. Once I picked it up it smiled, obviously aware of what me picking it up meant. I held it in my right hand as I picked up its Pokeball and stood up. I looked over a Juniper.

EchoDragon: I f*cking hate this. I don’t care about any of this. This is so BORING. You hyped this up for two f*cking chapters, and made it seem like the biggest decision she would ever make, yet now she’s saying that she would only choose a strong Pokémon. Twat.

“I pick the Tepig”

EchoDragon: Called it!

Well guys, there we have it. After two chapters, we finally have the tiniest hint that this is a Pokémon fic. I’m really pissed off. The only thing that got me through this was two of my flatmates doing a very dramatic reading of the last scene. So I didn’t suffer alone!

So, I’m sure many of you are wondering: Is Bitchy a Mary Sue? Well, yes. Yes she is, kids. When I took the Mary Sue litmus test, Bitchy gained a grand total of… 110! She is most definitely a Mary Sue.

Thanks for reading, guys! At some point in the past week, I surpassed 200 followers, so I’m going to do a thing ASAP, which might be fun? Keep a lookout for it!

Bye for now, puddings!

 ~Echodragon

#fanfiction #review #comedy #fanfictionreview #recap

[tillie-bean]

Echo Reads: Predictable Pretentious Pokémon Plot: Chapter 1 part 1

Hi guys, hope you’re doing well. You won’t be after this, trust me. So, I love reading fanfiction. More specifically, I love reading bad fanfiction, and then crapping all over it. So I scoured the pages of fanfiction.net, to bring you a selection of the worst Pokémon fanfiction you will ever read. If you find one, send me a link, and I’ll do my best to read it, but I have some rules. 1). It must not be M rated. Kids are on this app, and I don’t want to scar them for life. So please. No smut. 2). The fic must come from fanfiction.net, or similar. I absolutely refuse to review anything uploaded directly to Pokémon Amino. 3). I will use so much bad language, and I will be censoring any particularly bad words, as not everyone wants to put up with me swearing. If you join in with the comments, please do the same, and make it nice for everyone! 4). Do not try this at home. Bad fanfiction is bad for your health. If you suffer from any reactions to these stories, please seek the nearest source of canon, and read/watch/play until the symptoms disappear. If the symptoms continue, you are, sadly, screwed. Good luck!

Predictable, Pretentious Pokemon Plot

EchoDragon: I already hate this title. I really hate it. And yes, author didn’t bother to spell Pokémon correctly. It’s not hard to put an accent over the e, people. Hell, I can do it, and I’m using a crappy phone.

At a time where the world is finally pondering the morality of catching (or enslaving) Pokemon,

EchoDragon: Arrrggghhh! That’s not subtle, author. The reason the Black/White storyline worked, was because it was subtle. They laid it all out for you, and let you make your own decision about what’s right. So author has actually told us that catching Pokémon is the equivalent of enslaving them. And, yeah, maybe it is, but for God’s sake, let us make our own choice.

One girl named Jasmine with a huge superiority complex,

EchoDragon: And a missing comma.

A pretty face

EchoDragon: Because God forbid our heroine would be average looking.

And poor social skills begins her Pokemon journey. Is it right to keep Pokemon locked in small balls?

EchoDragon: You kind of already answered that. You know, when you used the word ‘enslaved’.

Do Pokemon like fighting like that? Do Pokemon even like people? And do people even deserve Pokemon?

EchoDragon: You used 'every’ twice in two sentences. That bothers me. But that was the description of our story. This is clearly based on the storyline to Back and White, and I loved that story. If author wants me to like this, they already need to try harder. Let’s enter the actual story, shall we?

Chapter 1 - Intricate Introduction

I sat there at my desk looking outside disinterestedly, actively looking for something to distract me.

EchoDragon:A bit like how I’m feeling, reading this fic!

I knew nothing was going to happen outside, but there was still a greater chance of something interesting outside happening than anything in here.

Echodragon: That’s it, folks! Our main character doesn’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here, so bye! If the MAIN CHARACTER is uninterested in this fic, then why should I be interested? I am so done. *leaves*

I mean, a Charizard could randomly fly over and do something. It wasn’t going to happen, but it still could.

EchoDragon: *sits back down* But, you said it- you know what? I don’t care.

I felt something hit my forehead, something small and insignificant.

EchoDragon: Was it your brain?

I looked in front of me, and saw that the thing that threw what I assumed was a pen at me was also small and insignificant.

EchoDragon: Imma name our main character Bitchy McF*ckface. I mean, I’m assuming this is Jasmine, the only character mentioned in the description, but I have no idea. No one has told me who this is.

I was greeted…no that term makes it sound like seeing his face was a pleasant experience. Now that I think about it a better word would be haunted.

  EchoDragon: No, Bitchy. A better word would be something like ambushed, or surprised, but not haunted. Haunted is definitely the wrong word. Greeted isn’t always a positive word. It depends how you use it.

Anyway I was haunted by the face of a sleazy looking… I hesitate to call it a boy with greasy and untidy brown hair, and brown eyes that seemed to be leering at me.

EchoDragon: One comma in the entire sentence, and it’s in the wrong place. I want to die. This boy is so boring. Seriously, he’s just there to be annoying, isn’t he? His only reason for existence is to bother Bitchy.

“Oh, she reacted. You owe me a fiver Rachel.”

EchoDragon: What’s a fiver Rachel? I’m so confused. Did you mean that this boy is talking to Rachel? Who’s Rachel? Did I miss something?

Next to the… male specimen

EchoDragon: Who talks like this?

Was… A small, long blonde haired… Girl

EchoDragon: So she was small and long?

Who looked like she had a bath in makeup. The mascara on her face was so thick it actually made me wonder if she used a whole container of it every morning.

EchoDragon: I don’t think mascara goes on your face. Not intentionally, anyway. Do you know what mascara is, author?

The thing that was wearing sunglasses inside reached into her pockets in her incredibly untidy uniform and pulled out some money.

EchoDragon: Wait, what? She’s wearing sunglasses? Author really doesn’t know what mascara is. If she’s wearing sunglasses, you can’t see her eyes. Mascara goes onto your eyelashes, not your face. Therefore, our main character would not be able to see if she is wearing sunglasses. Also, I HATE YOU AUTHOR. These people are not her standard of beauty, so she doesn’t care about them. They’re beneath her. F*ck you, Bitchy.

“Here you go James”

EchoDragon: I think you’re missing something. A comma.

She handed him some money as she spoke.

EchoDragon: Why is this important?

The guy snatched it from her and tucked it away in his equally untidy uniform.

EchoDragon: I bet Bitchy is the prettiest girl in the school, has a perfect uniform, never wears makeup, and is the most special snowflake in the world.

Looking at these two just annoyed me, so I looked away, and went back to imagining more interesting, and less annoying things.

EchoDragon: That’s exactly how I feel about this fic!

Unfortunately, my reprieve from these two was only temporary since the guy called James attracted my attention by speaking to me.

EchoDragon: We get it! You don’t like him! Shut up!

“So Jasmine are you going to miss the two of us after graduation?”

EchoDragon: I miss commas. I really do. Also, yes, this is Jasmine. Now we have to ask the question, why did you pick that name? There is already a canon Jasmine, who is far more likable than this bint. Is this supposed to be the real Jasmine, or an OC?

He sounded like he was trying to stop himself from laughing, like someone was tickling him or something.

EchoDragon: Why is this here? Nothing he said was funny.

Against my better judgment, I decided to dignify this fool with an answer. I looked at him, made no attempt to hide my disgust as I looked at him.

EchoDragon: Hey, author. Using big words and fancy phrases doesn’t make you sound smart. It makes you sound pretentious. I just understood the title. F*ck.

“No I won’t. If I am not looking at you then I don’t think about you.

EchoDragon: Please save me. Send me a comma. Someone, please send me a comma, so I can put it in this fic.

Now that I say it out-loud, I realize it is like my policy on bugs. And now that I say that out loud, there are a lot of similarities between you two and insects, isn’t that funny?”

EchoDragon: I hate this chick. I will continue to call her Bitchy McF*ckface, because that suits her. She clearly hates everyone, and can treat them how she likes, but if they say one word to her, she starts flipping tables.

The two looked puzzled,

EchoDragon: So am I. That dialogue was terrible. I have no idea what she said.

Before James stood up and started shouting.

“HEY BITCH, DON’T THINK JUST CAUSE YOU’RE SMART IT MEANS YOU ARE BETTER THAN US!”

EchoDragon: Her name’s Bitchy, James. Eh, close enough.

I was planning to reply about how it was more than my intellect that made me better than them, but multiple things.

EchoDragon: That we will never hear about. But, I was right. This bint thinks she is better than everyone else.

It was like comparing caviar to fast food.

EchoDragon: I could really go for a McDonalds right now…

However before I could Mr. Delandables, our teacher had noticed that James thing standing up and shouting at me.

EchoDragon: Don’t you just love the way she calls him a 'thing’?

“James, just because it is the last week of school it doesn’t mean you can cause a ruckus. I am more than willing to put you in to detention this afternoon. Now sit down, shut up and cut the foul language.”

EchoDragon: This fic reads like stereo instructions. It’s so boring! I wish a Charizard would fly over and DESTROY THIS FIC! GAAAHHH!

James nodded, and he and the Rachel thing looked sheepish as they turned to face forward.

EchoDragon: You’re calling her a thing. Again. I can think of far better insults than that. I’m using them all on you, author.

I smiled, and once again looked out of the window. However once again I was cursed with the burden of listening in on a conversation.

EchoDragon: So you spend your time eavesdropping on the conversations of people you hate? Umm, why? Is this really important? You’re in school, right? Maybe you should, I don’t know - do some work?

Two people behind me were whispering, with their conversation sounding something like.

EchoDragon: Wait, so you don’t know? Hey, author? Quick question, won’t take long. How many times did you rewrite this fic? Because it looks like you drafted it, and said 'eh, good enough!’

“Come on sir, if it was addressed to Jasmine "I am better than you because I don’t emote at all” Theresa than it is legitimate.“

EchoDragon: That is such an obvious typo. Don’t you have a beta reader?

"I know do you remember her 'speech’ at the graduation ceremony yesterday.”

EchoDragon: Is that a question? All you Americans out there, answer me this. Does a graduation happen before school ends, or is it done on the last day? I’m curious.

“You mean the 'I know you are all lazy so you should give up on becoming anything good. If you don’t get a perfect score you don’t deserve nice things’ rant of hers? How could I?”

EchoDragon: I think you’re missing a word there, author. Just so you know. So, Bitchy McF*ckface is better than everyone else. That’s what you’re saying? Because she sounds like a bitch. I hate her.

I sighed softly, firstly I did not want to do that speech, but I was told that as the winner of the Juniper award that I had to deliver a speech, and that I should talk about what I believed. So I did.

EchoDragon: *as Bitchy* here you go! Your speech arrived! *coughs* you know the saying 'be careful what you wish for’? Well, I asked for commas. I got commas. They might not be in the right place, but I got them.

Also I did not say anyone who doesn’t get a perfect score shouldn’t be happy, I said anyone happy with any academic mark less than a distinction should give up on their dreams.

EchoDragon: Oh, no, you didn’t say that at all! Those two sentiments are totally different! F*ck you, author. I hate you. Your character reminds me of a boy I went to school with, who next week is going to Oxford to study Medicine. He spent seven years telling everyone that they were stupid and how they would never get a job. He was an arrogant tw*t. So is Bitchy.

They were trying to make me sound rude and uncaring to spread their biased narrative.

EchoDragon: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah- oh wait, you’re serious. Let me laugh even harder. *laughs hysterically for ten minutes*

Now I could get all defensive about how awful and wrong they were or I could take it really badly. But after many years of this stuff I have learnt to ignore this crap. People in my social… Situations learnt how to cope, or they suffered.

EchoDragon: I’m suffering now. I hate this. I’m halfway through the first chapter, and I can’t go on right now. God, this is stupid. Our main character is so unlikable, and yet the author seems to think that it is justifiable, and that everyone else is in the wrong, not Jasmine. I hate Jasmine. I hate everything about her. I don’t even know what she looks like, but I bet she is the 'prettiest girl in the school!’. She’s a bitch. She hates everyone, because she thinks she is better than they are, and she is , of course, surrounded by idiots. I like the 'antagonists’ more than I like Bitchy. At least they have more characterization than 'I am better than you. I have a scholarship, and you don’t.’

I’m done for today. I will finish the first chapter, which only gets worse, and I will maybe finish the entire story.

F*ck.

Bye for now, puddings.

~ EchoDragon

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