this-is-just-here-for-venting

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

tbh wild trying to recover from an ed and watching a vid about media and homelife being the start of them while you hit a lot of the known demographics for people w/ eds and like fuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk ik but hey like i also hate scribbling out the nutrition label on my groceries and rounding up my calories saying 'nah i had enough for the day' so fuck it need to force myself to have an actual meal tonight instead of like 5 snacks in a trenchcoat pretending to be a meal

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

honestly so👍 knowing our generation and the new one arent even seen as people just as the next market to appeal to and as trivial things to advertise to and feed data into b/c it leaves us w/ the scraps of opportunities previous generations had as if they forget theyre also getting older and want to keep said opportunities for themselves

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

idk fuck it im drunk but is it so wrong to want to hear someone is proud of me

taking out my worthless degrees today and remembering that exactly 2 people said congrats just hurts and made me want to rip them up and people are upset i didnt walk w/ the cap and gown and everything but like what is there to "celebrate" when they didnt like what i did anyway

got my first fulltime proper job w/ benefits and didnt get a congrats or we're so proud of you for that either which also hurts and like ik it's the bare minimum but ow

fine i wasted p much my whole life but i feel like i can get a bit more but i think that's selfish

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

people be like ‘oh no one loves you like your family’ meanwhile my family got legit mad at me because i didnt walk for graduation or have a grad party for a degree they actively told me was shit and wouldnt get me anywhere

like so sorry i didnt waste your time making you go somewhere??? for something you didnt like anyway and told me you werent proud of me for???  

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

“we just want what’s best for you and we want you to succeed” 

no you dont you never cared the only reason you had me was so i’d be something and you dont and will never care about who i am or what i like because the only purpose i had when you gave birth to me is to make you look good and do things you wanted me to do

you wanted me to be like you and be “useful” and have your ambitions but you dont care about me being happy or doing things i want you just want to make yourself look good and now youre disappointed in me because i tried at all i’m a failure to you because i dared to do what i want and now youre using that to remind me that im not who you wanted and that you dont want me as a child or as part of the family i failed i know it but fuck off would you i dont want to hear it just as much as you dont want me

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

and remember, kids, just cause you did everything mommy and daddy told you to and the things they said would help you out in the world; that doesn’t make them proud of you

you could end up like me: failing in the job search cause this job market hates new graduates and make the whole family think youre a failure. like sure you only went to college cause otherwise youd be disowned and sure youre suicidal all over again and wanna slam back some pills but hey at least you tried 

mom still hates you tho

grandparents think youre a loser

sister thinks youre pathetic 

youre a sack of shit

dont forget that :)

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

‘you should stop smoking’ ‘you should stop drinking’ ‘you should start exercising and eating better’ like dude you really over estimate how much i want to be alive and underestimate how much i care about my currant health

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

parents when you have a life outside of doing chores for them and picking up their mess

#like wow so sorry that im working and classes just started #but no let me just go get YOUR meds cause you cant be piss bothered to leave the house yourself #i dont give a shit that your sick #you never care when i am and make me do shit anyway #i already clean up after you and im the only reason this house isnt a fucking disaster #on top of doing my own shit like working when im scheduled unlike you #and opening week of school means im trying to get in a new flow of things #but heaven for fucking bid that i dont wanna do a chore for you #why are YOU allowed to be depressed and stay in your room sick and out of work for legit 2 weeks at a time #but IM not allowed to take a day off when i tried to kill myself the night before #why do i have to be the strong one and keep going into work and keep up with classes on top of cleaning your mess #and why do you get mad when im in a pissy mood or cant do things for you when Im busy too #so fucking sorry that i have a life outside of you and want time to myself as well #go fuck yourself youre never going to know where i live when i move out and im never helping you clean your house again #calling me selfish because i dont wanna do something for you when im dealing with other shit #then fuck you i am going to be selfish you dont deserve my help if you dont care i have things to do outside of taking care of a pill junky #despite what you think i have empathy i just dont have empathy for you b/c you dont care about me outside of me being your child #the only reason you had me was to be your little servant anyway so fuck off im not doing that anymore

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

y’all being alive fucking sucks

#hate that i made it this long #hate everything that i make #hate the fact i've made 1 thing worthy while in my whole life #i hate where im heading #i hate this body and who i am and that i cant be who i was expected to be #i should have kms'd when people told me to #then i could have spared people and died when i was 10 like the first time i tried to end it #i am revolting and pathetic #im not who im meant to be or who people deserve #what the fuck id all this and what i turned out to be

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

full offense i’d rather die i fucking hate being here

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

getting your period twice in the same month should be illegal 

and i swear to fuck if i get my period in december imma exit server 

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

damn thanksgiving aint the same w/out being called a slur at the dinner table 

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

fucking hate holidays but at least we canceled this year so that’s a plus

dont have to pretend to be cishet and lie to everyone’s faces while they degrade my education and job choices WHILE judging my eating habits that makes me wanna throw it back up later and like speaking of that fuck the internet this time of year i have over 100 tags blocked and am STILL getting eating disorder stuff in my ‘for you’ stuff like im trying to get better but cool guess i just wont eat today and get my work done fuck it i have nothing else to do today other than do school work and try to ignore that im hungry but at least it wont be forced conversation w/ people who obviously hate me while being forced to eat otherwise they’ll talk about me when they think i cant hear them

i miss when school had us pay 8 dollars for a plate of shitty thanksgiving food and people would call me slurs instead of me going to a ‘family’ dinner at least they told me that stuff to my face

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

when God doesnt kill me by the time i was 18 and i cant fucking handle anything beyond high school 

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

ruminating on “fantasies of the past determined by the needs of the present have a direct impact of the future” and “nostalgia speaks in riddles and puzzles so one must face them in order not to become its next victim- or its next victimizer” 

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

i envy the people who got to die before 2020

why can i fucking die already fuck everyone else who was lucky enough to be dead before all of this

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

ffs hate everything sm

like i WANT to work so i can be independent and feel like im doing something with my life but im also in college so im tied up in that and after 3 jobs figured out i cant do both i WANT to work i dont mind going to school but why do both feel so overwhelming i’d rather die than do either anymore maybe it’s all the people who yelled at me and even threatened me at work maybe it’s the expectation of classes but i cant cant why cant i slit my wrists and get it over with i dont want to do this if i want to die anyway you dont care about me i dont care about me why pretend and draw everything out when i could just die and never have to deal with this money is worthless society is worthless and people wouldnt care if i were dead so WHY CANT I DIE ALREADY WHY WONT YOU LET ME