thewordmural-blog

[thewordmural-blog]

dear heart breaker,

words fall from your mouth like rain from a drenched sky, but they do not hold the same comfort in my mind like the telltale pattering of wet drops on a roof. your words sound like a dull blade being forced through skin and bone, the rough sound of splintering and gushing and pain. so much pain. every sound you make causes a swell in my heart and a dizziness in my head. stop saying that you only talk to me because I beg you to, stop telling me to move on after the way you left me. broken. beaten down. changed. you tell me that I’m different; I’m not who you fell in love with. that I don’t laugh the same, smile up to my eyes, live with such a carefree attitude. I don’t get to be happy and carefree after you ripped my heart out of my chest, clutching it in one hand and leaving me with one big, gaping hole. scratching, clawing at the bloody mess you made and never cleaned up. 

I loved you, despite our faults, but you left me after my mother found out our secrets. you left me and took all our friends. you left me when I would spend every night crying, and instead of wiping away my tears like you promised to, instead of calling me beautiful and kissing me softly, you decided to give me more reasons to cry. 

you know you crushed me, right? I act like I don’t care sometimes, but why else would I keep talking to you? why else would I walk a little straighter every time I pass you in the halls? it’s because I fucking miss you, and you don’t care. because life is one big game for you, and I was merely a level you had to beat. it didn’t take you long, either. you took many more things from me than you gave. your love, the fleeting two months of it, was not enough to make the pain worth it. our friendship, the almost two years I spent getting to know you, meant nothing to you in the end. you said goodbye so easily, and I’ll never be the same girl who kissed your nose and laughed the loudest of everybody. I don’t get to have her back, because she wasn’t prepared to be hurt. you took her from me, you hid her away in a locked cage, miles from my grasp, and you threw away the key. just like you threw away us, like we didn’t matter. like I didn’t matter.

did you ever even love me? 

you couldn’t have, or else you wouldn’t have believed me when I said all I wanted now was sex. when I cried to you about my family, my friends. the horrible thoughts I keep thinking. it was all a plea for you to talk to me, to hold you in my life still, to give you a place. I needed you, and you didn’t love me, but I kept convincing myself that you still did. deep down, under the cold mask you wear to cover your vulnerability. but it’s not a mask anymore, it molded itself to your face and will never come off. wrapped around your high cheekbones and curved eyes, it’s made a home out of your skin and it’s never leaving you. you will never feel free, and that makes me content. 

because I will never not hurt, and you will never be completely, totally happy. and you don’t deserve to be. not after what you did, not after everything that’s happened. not after killing who I used to be in one phone call, telling her that it was done. that you were done, we were done. I never thought I would let myself get hurt like that, I always pretended that I didn’t care. but I let you in, broke down the walls and gave you a chance. and what did you do? you destroyed me. 

I guess I should thank you, for helping me realize what pain was. I’d been hurt before, but never that badly. and while I’m crying while writing this, just know that I won’t cry for you again. because you don’t deserve happiness, and you most definitely don’t deserve my tears.

sincerely, 

blue.

#dearheartbreaker #writing #letter