theramblingteenagegirl

[theramblingteenagegirl]

Simone Weil on projection and how to lose your object with grace. From “Void and Compensation”

[theramblingteenagegirl]

sunday march 31st. 2024.

and it's that feeling. when you're in the car with him and the windows are down and you love him more than your heart can take. all that love is spilling out and flowing through your chest and you feel alive. the moment you're living in is the one you've yearned for. everything will work out and love craddles you. and under just an ounce of pressure your world collapses on top of you. i don't know which way is right. i dont know what's up. i don't know if i'm smart enough for college, if me and aj will make it to the finish line.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

thursday, march 21st. 2024.

to my love,

to love you is a privilege. one i will never take for granted or abuse. to be loved by you is a sweetness i've never known and one i will never forget. my devotion to you has no end. to live and love beside you through life is all i could ever ask for. i will give you a home, a family. but most importantly i will give you my life. i will stand beside you when the waves are strong. when the tide is calm. when you don't know which way is up. when you're standing on shaky ground. i've never been so sure of the things i'd endure for a person. i've also never been so sure that someone would do the same in my name. you make me feel like i'm the prize to be won. the trophy to take home. the flowers to water. i've never been loved so softly in my life. i cannot thank you enough for the life you've created for me inside of yours. this warm bubble of fresh air. where i can hide my face in your neck and forget that there's a world outside of our skin pressed together. when i felt like i would never be worthy of the love i've always been searching for, you showed me that i deserved more than what i would have ever known to look for. each touch between us, a promise. every whisper, a prayer. to breathe your name is to know every prayer i've ever uttered has been answered. i fear the day we could be separated. i don't know if life is worth living without your touch. without your smell. without your words. i live through the sun you bring to my life. i wish to spend many more birthdays with you. not only yours or mine but the birthdays we will create. know that even if we aren't together, i will love you all the same. i will think of you during every celebration. i will hold a silent celebration for all in your life that i may not see you accomplish. i will love you if i never see you again and i will love you if i see you every thursday. i write this from a place that questions how long i'll be able to keep you. but from the same place that wants you to know i don't love you just because you're my partner. i love you. and that's why i choose to live life with you. i will always love you aj. i fear the depth of my sentiment can't be known. i hope you let me spend the rest of my life showing you. 

to the love of my every being, happy eighteenth birthday.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

monday, january 22nd. 2024

you're the fox to my bunny. the flynn to my rapunzel. edward to my bella. troy to my gabriela. beast to my beauty. austin to my ally. carlisle to my esme. preston to my abigail. kristoff to my anna. spiderman to my mj. henry to my lucy. gus to my hazel. noah to my allie. stars to my galaxy. protector to my heart. key to my soul. you're the fairytale i've always wished for. every day i'm wrapped in the magic that is our love. little me never thought it was possible for someone to love me the way you do or even anywhere close. thank you for being everything i've ever wanted without even breaking a sweat.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

tuesday, january 16th. 2024.

for every eyelash that falls from my lid and lands upon my cheek. the same ones you carefully pick up and hold in front of my lips. i'm wishing for the same thing every time. for us to make it.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

sunday, january 14th. 2024

i think the only dissatisfying part about our relationship, or loving you i should say- is my inability to write it. finding the write words has usually never been an issue for me, at least in the sense of writing it down. aj, i see my entire life when i look at you. i see lunches and school drop off. i can hear the news on the TV as i brew coffee for you in the morning. not only does our future excite me but every minute of my present with you does. not a second of my day goes by without feeling loved by you. it is the realest thing i have ever felt. my entire life, i have been somewhat guarded. unable to truthfully say i love you, to be looked in the eye and seen. to know that you see me and love the deepest corners of myself is like floating far above this planet. a high i never want to come down from. a part of me doesn't write so much about you because i don't have to memorize this. you will be here every day to remind me. i love you.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

Bianca Stone, from What Is Otherwise Infinite: Poems; “Cutting Odette’s Fingernails”

[theramblingteenagegirl]

hope is the most masochistic part of my humanity

[theramblingteenagegirl]

saturday, december 30th. 2023

when i asked you about margaret day, you told me i turned a simple day into something special for you. and honestly, that is just a glimpse of the magic you bring to my life every day. it's a normal saturday but you love me and suddenly everything is in screaming colors. the cold weather is blissful when you're hugging me in it. my hands are just my hands until they're touching you and then they're the second thing i'm most greatful for. (you being first and my hands being second just because they're the facet i use to touch you.) every day is abundant because of you my love. i wake up with this ball of happiness in my stomach, knowing that whatever dreams i had weren't real. something kinda funny about that is i used to love dreaming, it was better than real life for me. but then i met you and nothing in my imagination could be better than you, you surprise me with your love in all of my waking moments. to be loved by you, is walking in a ray of sun constantly. i walk through the halls of school with this chip on my shoulder- almost smug. "he loves me, he adores me." a constant song sung in my head. and i'll never tire of it. every mundane task is done with this extra pep. aj if i could write it, i would. but you. oh you my love. you are a poem i've always been trying to write. and the best thing about it? this isn't a chapter. this is rest of my novel. i love you today, i loved you yesterday, i loved you this morning, i loved you when i slept. i'll love you forever. forever forever forever. (suddenly this word doesn't seem so long and that makes me sad. even forever couldn't encompass how long i wish to love and be loved by you.)

[theramblingteenagegirl]

sunday, december 24th. 2023

sometimes when i feel this hole that is in fact present right now, i try to write it out. but being the insane teenage cynical girl that i am, my words actually bring me no comfort. instead it actually creates like a fucking sinkhole that swallows me completely and that's where i've been for the best week. why can't i feel your words?? do i just want you to love me? do i love you myself? or do i love you because you're good for me? am i struggling to feel the realness of your love because it's healthy?? love is this insatiable hunger that consumes me fully. i cannot be greedy after waiting for this my whole life. that doesn't fucking make sense it actually makes me very fucking angry. i'm very greedy. Incredibly greedy. i want the pain. i am a masochist through and through. i want to feel my heart be crushed just to feel fucking alive. it is the feeling i've experienced the most and it feels like my destiny. i would kill for three beautiful kids and a home full of laughter but above all i am a poet. and i am a poet because of my suffering. blood isn't beautiful until i make it such. i've built my entire life upon that truth. to make my life beautiful, i must turn it into art. to turn something into art it cannot already be beautiful. it has to be violent and rotten. i am not meant for long-lasting and easy. i meant for short and limb losing hard. i want to spend a lifetime ripping up my goddamn floors because that's all i know how to do.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

sunday, december 24th. 2023.

i'm writing this from a place of premature hurt. as i sit with this flower-covered comforter over me, i know i'll always see your face in these sheets. this relationship will damn my soul. i won't want it without you. if you can't love me- forever, i don't think i'll breath again. i want your forever. i don't want brief and 'it was good to know'. i want you to love me forever. i never want you to lose the taste for the good in me. pick over the rotten parts please. you cannot be every love song i've ever known and then walk away. that's not how this goes. that's not how i want this to go. if i hold you tight enough will you stay? let me sink myself into you, bury myself somewhere so deep into you that you'll never fathom reaching me. i want you to see your future in me and feel nauseous at the thought of it being anyone else. i want you to love me as brutally as i love you. i am a cynic down to my marrow. and one day you will get sick of the tar i spread to everything around me. you'll get sick of the metaphors. and you'll hear all the poetry i can speak and then suddenly i won't be so interesting. there is only so much luster fake gold has before it rusts. oh baby, i know the end. i wish i didn't. i love you, i love you, i love you. i love you i love you. (this to you, was a hidden prayer- hoping that my love for you would seal our fate and you would never leave.)

[theramblingteenagegirl]

tuesday, december 12th. 2023.

when i was little, i used to lay beside my mom as she napped. the room was completely dark and i couldn't even see her but lying so close i could hear and feel her breathing deeply in slumber. me being me, i obviously tried countlessly to match my breathing to hers but i only ended up out of breath. i have tried to repeat this process with other people but again, no success. and then i met you. and not only does our breathing sync- but so does our brainwaves. and all so suddenly everything feels like breathing. maybe a little labored breathing sometimes but not doubt- breathing. for once i am breathing and air is filling my lungs. the earth rounds beautifully and the sun warms my face just right. in my dreams you visit me but i have no fear, when i awake- you are a text away. while i worry most about disappointing you, your words of affirmation never fail to leave my speech meaningless and my brain empty. i don't feel the need to grip you so tightly because what's beautiful about us, is we both want to be here- out of everyone in the world, this is where we both choose to be. not only do i feel wanted, but i feel preferred. (this is where i would squeeze your hand three times.)

[theramblingteenagegirl]

[theramblingteenagegirl]

and suddenly everything sings, all the songs make sense, everything is in screaming colors- i’ve meant to love you my whole life

[theramblingteenagegirl]

i love you like i love the sky, like how i love the sky through any weather

[theramblingteenagegirl]

wednesday, november 29th. 2023

i wish you and i existed outside of time. i cannot explain this pull that i have for you. i don't think i've ever felt more cared for. i feel like i could sink into your arms and never touch the floor. like i could swim if you were holding me. your care is like one from a fairytale. like if i were to look back, you would be looking back to. like when i smile at you, we're signing an agreement between our hearts- promising that the feelings are mutual. the tears that pool in my eyes are never from sadness when it comes to you, it's from unexplainable happiness that blooms from my heart and creates an entire tree inside my rib cage. this tree has its own ecosystem that obviously includes the butterflies that fly happily around my belly. the same one that you set to boil. then there are the birds that soar through my veins- giving me the sweetest high known to man. everything sings. everything suddenly means nothing and everything, like every bad thing that has ever happened doesn't matter but every sunset has brought me closer to you. you don't see me as i see myself, i think that's one of the best ways for you to see me. i know we both have our own axes (the ax forgets, the tree remembers blah blah blah), but i've never wanted to count someone's rings like this before.

[theramblingteenagegirl]

saturday, novermber 25th. 2023

i don't even know exactly where to start. i'm almost afraid to write how i feel, maybe writing them down would make you disappear. the universe has been that cruel before. everything sings. this feels like the beginning of the rest of my colorful life. like maybe even on the days when my brain is escaping me and writing narratives, you'll be there. and everything will do quiet and warmth will rush to my heart, making my brain all fuzzy in the process. you're so gentle with me, it doesn't make me feel like this violently unloveable rotten dog i've been convinced is myself. you make me feel like a little kitten all wrapping up in your lap, purring to the vibrations of your voice. for the first time in my entire life, i feel like i am being rewarded by the universe. this is only the beginning and for another first- i can say i'm ready to see what the future holds.