thepurplebutterfly-blog

[thepurplebutterfly-blog]

On a rainy night

A few weeks has passed and we were still on the process of getting to know each other. I honestly don’t know where is this going. I never thought of quitting nor taking the first move to ask what are we. It’s not that I don’t want to know. I want to. But I can’t help it. I feel like his answers are just going to break me. And so, I just let things flow. I never asked. Even if I am dying to. Who would settle for this kind of setup? I bet no one. If there is, well, I’m just not one.

A friend, well, not that close yet, but can say that we’re now friends, just not so so so close yet, told me that he just felt that I was comforting him too much and that he needs me for it. Nothing more. I got to admit that it hurts. Yeah, there’s no label to it but it hurts. It hurts because I feel that there is something special to it. That we’re not just friends. I mean, c’mon. Two people hanging out too much, late night calls until morning, goodmorning/afternoon/night texts, and a constant texting all day, if that’s not something, then I don’t know what is.

I tried to find confidence to tell him the truth. Ask where do I stand in his life and is it possible that I can move out from being in that position. But all of these things remained in my head. Maybe my so-called friend is right. That I was just a fling for him. A typical girl that when he’s tired of will just get left behind. I don’t see him that way. And he knows it. Maybe that’s one reason why we never get to set certain labels on what is going on between the two of us. Because either we’re both scared or it’s just one of us who’s scared of knowing that the other doesn’t feel the same. In this case, I’m pretty sure I am the scared one.

What makes it harder is that if I did told him how I feel, it will definitely have a change on our relationship. And, I am not ready for it.

#love #pseudorelationship #pseudo #couple #label #relationship #pain #hurt #feelings #boyfriend #girlfriend #friends #strangers #sad #lonely

[thepurplebutterfly-blog]

Something worth remembering

Finals is coming to an end. And you know what happens already. Everything’s pretty messed up.

We are scheduled for another debate by tomorrow. Unfortunately, we were having a tough time finding possible arguments.

Imagine this. I left around 9 in the morning but arrived home by 12 midnight. How tiring is that, right? Let me tell you what happened.

It’s the t-problem again. I swear, it becomes worse each day. That’s the exact reason why we started out late with our research.

My bestfriends and I planned a group study. Haha. You read that right. A group study again. Lately, I’ve been into group studies. And it’s all because of my friends. Thanks, squad.

Back to what I was saying, it was a group study. We stayed at Mika’s place at Pasig City. It’s a two-hour travel if you choose going by car. So I decided go by train instead and saved 50 minutes of my time.

We’re very focused. Instead of studying, we end up watching episodes of Hwarang and scanning over Seventeen’s album. Such great students. Applause everybody.

But it’s because the internet connection was too weak at the moment. Cali and I was trying to make Mika’s neighbor laugh. He’s smiling as I lift him in my arms. It’s been a while since I carry a baby. And he was so adorable.

We had a short stroll by the riverbanks. To find inspiration. It was very beautiful. Or maybe because I just love going by the waters.

Mika’s the only daughter in her family. Probably why her mom and her dad care for her so much. Mika’s very sweet and caring like her mom. They treated us like part of their family and that’s why I love my friends. Their families treat me as part of their own.

[thepurplebutterfly-blog]

When death comes to get you

Two minutes. Or less. That’s all I need to do to know what’s going on.

I signed at the paper and proceed with the instructions. It didn’t took me so long. I finished it and returned to my doctor. Thank God, dad was there. I really couldn’t do this alone.

We spent a couple of minutes discussing the initial results. That includes a lot of questions and crying from me. I’m diagnosed with a lung disease. Not exactly sure what it is yet because I still need to wait for the lab results that would be released next week.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t wanna’ cry but I end up doing so. I can feel myself getting weaker. Not because of the disease but because the fear is eating me up. I don’t wanna’ die yet. I never want to. Not now. Not yet. I still have a lot of things to do. I want to. I need to. I have to.

Dr. Newell was kind enough to explain it to me. He said I have a huge chance of surviving. At least, it gave me hope. Just a little bit. I feel so defeated. I never imagined I could easily broke down. Now I understand how it feels like to be in a hopeless position. It’s hard to stay optimistic in this kind of situation, even if i want to.

I really tried my best to cheer myself up. Like not thinking about it. But I just can’t. I can’t help it but feel worried about myself. What if I die? What if Dr. Newell couldn’t help me? Is there even a cure for me? And then it hits me. I’m going to die. There’s no cure for cancer.

I spent the rest of my day, trying to distract myself from overthinking. Dad’s right. I just have to keep up with the medication and the treatment. I’ll be okay. I know I can.

Been second guessing myself if I’m gonna’ tell my friends about it. I feel like I don’t want them to worry about my sick condition. And it’s not like I have the courage to tell them about it. In fact, I don’t even know what to say if ever they ask.

My mind’s completely messed up. The emotions are getting on my nerves, paralyzing me. How am I supposed to act like how I normally do? All I could ever think about is that I’m dying. And there’s nothing I can ever do to change that.

[thepurplebutterfly-blog]

Unknown number

Sun’s already up but I’m still in my pajamas. I usually spend my Monday mornings on my bed. Trying to extend my sleeping hours as much as possible. But as for this day, I have to get up early and prepare.

My friends had scheduled a group study for our Midterm requirement that will be presented at the very next day. Need I tell you that I hate group studies? I personally prefer to work alone, since I tend to be more productive without distractions. (Sorry, squad. Love you.)

But this isn’t a typical group study because of a certain person. Whoo-hoo. Yes, you’re probably thinking the right thing. It’s because of the guy that I’ve been crushing on lately. (Oops!) Let’s just call him Mark, alright? That’s not his real name, not even close. Haha.

Mark and I used to talk during most of our lectures. I don’t really fancy attending these classes since it bores the heck out of me. Mark’s seat is right next to me. Somewhere at the back portion of the room. I sat there because it’s the best place to sleep. I just don’t know why he chose sitting next to me. Maybe he likes to sleep too? That I don’t know.

He’s a nice guy. Good looking. Definitely taller than me. And has an amazing personality. In short, he’s my kind of man. I have literally been screaming in my head everytime he greets me goodmorning before the class starts. Always.

One time, I remember, he skipped the first class. And I was like, Okay. He’s not here. Where could he probably be? And then, he came rushing before the second class starts. He woke up late that’s why he missed one boring lecture. Haha.

Back to what I was saying earlier, we have a group study and he happens to be part of those who I am meeting up. We never had the chance to go out together so I thought it would be nice if we could hang out now.

I tried my best to pretty myself up. Not really the kind who puts makeup or designs my hair. I slipped into a pair of jeans, a black shirt and my favorite blue and pink sneakers. My typical outfit. And I somehow managed to look pretty decent. I just want to keep it cool and simple. Something that is so me.

Because I was so into prettying myself, I didn’t noticed that I had consumed so much time fidgeting over useless things. I just have an hour left before the scheduled time. I had to run as fast as I can so I can make it to the bus. And so I did. I ran. And ran. And ran some more. I did make it to the bus but I regret running the moment I got in because I was starting to get a little bit sweaty.

As I was freshing up, my phone rang. It was from an unknown number. Normally, I wouldn’t take calls from unregistered numbers but I kinda’ have a feeling that it’s someone from the group. And so I answered.

The voice from the other line was of a boy. So I was thinking, who the heck is this and where did he got my number? He went like: “Hoy, Catherine!” I was surprised. He knew my name. But who’s this? I was so freaked out. So I hung up on him before he could even speak.

Seconds after, he called me again. I picked it up once more but this time, I speak first. “Hello? Sino ‘to?” (Hello? Who’s this?) He repeated the same words until it sink into me. “Mark! Mark! It’s Mark. Don’t hung up!” And I heard him laughing on the other line.

I felt like shrinking as I listened to him speak. What is wrong with me? Why the fudge did I hung up earlier? I immediately apologized and said my best excuse. “Your number isn’t registered in my phone so I thought of hanging up. Sorry!” lol

And we talked for a few seconds before he passed it to my friend. She gave me directions on how could I get to the place and to tell me who’s gonna’ pick me up at the train station.

After quite some time, I arrived at the place. It was pretty huge. Air-conditioned. Pretty much like our house in my hometown. When we got in, I saw them already writing something on their papers. It seemed like they already had developed possible arguments. I’m screwed.

And then, he came to me. “Did I scare you that much that you had to hung up on me?” Stop him. He was smiling and was close to letting out a soft chuckle. I shake my head and said: “Not at all. I was just a bit flustered.” Stupid. Why did I say that? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

“Sorry.” This time, all of them laughed. “Natakot sa boses ni Mark”, one of them said. (You got scared with Mark’s voice). “Hindi ‘kaya”, I replied. (Not really.) And laugh with the rest of them.

Thanks for the pizza. It surely got us motivated to write. Lol. Especially me. Since he kept saying I should eat more since I was late, which I am really guilty about. I would like to have another one but one slice was already hard for me to finish due to my braces.

As soon as we were all finished, we decided to prepare to leave. He offered a ride home but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to come along because they started getting in his car. So I just decided to take the train with my friend. We bid each other goodbyes as we parted ways.

[thepurplebutterfly-blog]

Welcome to a new ground!

This blog is made to be my personal space. I love sharing anything that’s happening to me. But the thing is, I’m a bit uncomfortable with speaking. So, I decided to put my thoughts through words.

The events and scenarios might not exactly be the same with the actual but rest assured that the theme for every blog is inspired by a real scenario that I personally experience.

I may have to change the names or exaggerate the situation. This is where I would like to showcase my creativity. And hopefully, it will turn out well. /fingers crossed;

Also, this blog serves as my stress reliever. I’m an English major and is about to graduate in two years time. It’s quite stressful, to be honest. Just imagine the pile of research papers I’m working every semester plus the rest of the paperworks that are mostly written works. Ugh. /hands up; I need to breathe. And this blog would save me from the college burden.

So, yeah. This would be all about my stories. Like sharing a part of me through my works. And I hope you’ll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them.