theotherdoula

[theotherdoula]

Supporting Your Loved One During Miscarriage

You may be a partner, friend, or family member. First of all, Thank You, on behalf of whomever you are helping.

What To Expect

A broad range of emotion in Your Loved One: Remember that this is about Her. She may be sad, scared, angry, needy, relieved. She may say things that She normally wouldn't in a tone that is unusual for Her. Pain and grief affects us all differently. For right now, put your own emotions on hold, and remind yourself that you are there for Her. Do not take anything personally. Listen, but do not judge.

There will be blood: Pregnancy loss is a messy issue. This can be embarrassing for Her. Blood, stringy tissue, placental tissue, a sac containing the pregnancy tissue (normally gray, amount depends on length of pregnancy), all of these things may/will be present. A lot of women find being upright and on a toilet is beneficial, and you may be asked to accompany her. This is a very vulnerable position for anybody to be in. Expect this, and do not be alarmed.

Women may also be vocal in times of pain. Moans, grunts, sighs. This is normal and if she feels comfortable enough with you to make these noises, be respectful of it. Vocalizations help with pain, a low moan during uterine cramps can be just as satisfying as yelling an expletive when you mash your toe on something.

How to Help

Emotional Support: Again, a broad range of emotion may come out. In this state, She is extremely vulnerable and it is very important that she trust that she can feel and do what she needs to feel comfortable around you. She may want to talk, listen and support her in the way that she needs. She may not be asking for advice, but just support. She may want to chit chat and distract herself, so do so. She may want you to be completely silent, do so. In a woman that is inside of herself (very very often if not always seen in labor- a shift in personality from talkative and lucid to silent or quiet, as though in a trance), BE PRESENT, but silent. If she has a CD going, and it stops, restart it without having her ask. If she sips the last of her water, replace it. Oftentimes in these cases, She will not want to or not be able to communicate what she needs. Do not take this as a sign that she wants to be left alone. Just stay with her, be patient, and wait.

Physical Support: She may want to be rubbed or massaged. Keep your touch firm. Good areas are the back, shoulders, thighs, and feet. She may want pressure on her uterus. Let her guide your hand to the correct area and apply the amount of pressure she needs for you, and hold it. Hand holding is common, temple rubbing is a great tool to keep things calm, brushing the hair away from the face is a soothing and affectionate gesture.

She may want to move around. Move with her. She may find that certain positions ease her discomfort, help her with these if she needs it.

If you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom, to make or take a very important phone call, to prepare food or bring more water, etc. announce what you are doing and do it quickly.

If She has children and could not find alternate care, keep them content and distracted. Take as much of every burden off of Her as you can. A day of video games and pizza won't be the end of the world.

If She wants to be left alone, do so, but keep the home quiet and keep an ear out if she needs you. Once an hour, knock quietly and ask if she needs anything at all. If she is sleeping, let her rest. If you can, take the opportunity to help tidy the home.

Keep track of the time for her. Doulas will often bring a pen and pad or write directly on their arms to keep track of how things progress. During a miscarriage, you can time the progression of pain, times that medications were taken (and when you can offer additional pain relief as a result), changing of pads to monitor the rate of blood loss (She should know from her medical professional how many pads per hour is normal and how much requires a trip to the ER, hemhorrage can be a concern), etc.

The most important thing to remember is to BE PRESENT. Put your problems, questions, and worries on hold. Just be there, in the present. It is an honour, not a burden, to care for a woman in this painful time of need. She trusts you, she loves you, and you are there.

#miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

[theotherdoula]

When You Have Time To Prepare

When you know your pregnancy is ending in loss, you undoubtedly have a lot on your mind. You may be anxious, depressed, mourning, worried about conceiving afterwards. A broad range of emotion is normal.

While dealing with the emotional side of loss, it may help you to prepare. Pick up extra pads and things you find soothing. Prepare your area. Make your home a healing sanctuary. Prepare easy-to-digest meals ahead of time, and freeze them in portions suitable for you and/or your family. Get ahold of some soothing music and rent some movies if you like. Put candles around your room. Set up bins with plastic liners around the home, and clean your toilet in case you need to become intimate with it later.

Read women's experiences online for an idea of what to expect, and to find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Reach out to friends who have had miscarriages and allow them to help you. Join support groups if you wish. Rest, and nourish your body.

#miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

[theotherdoula]

Women Need This.

I have searched high and low for information on supporting women during miscarriages, and found little other than post-miscarriage support and partners desperately seeking information on how to help their partners as they are going through the physical act. I am a 29 year old full-spectrum doula with one young son who has suffered two miscarriages, one abortion.. and my current pregnancy is not going to make it. I realized my partner likely had no idea what the process was and how to be supportive during this time.

Doulas are people who emotionally and physically support women (not to be confused with midwives, who also handle the clinical aspects of things). You typically see the word "doula" used for labor support, but some doulas will do everything from pre-conception counseling, labor support, post-partum support, abortion support, miscarriage support, and beyond. We are here to do whatever the woman needs, and be as educated as possible in comfort measures and the processes of things in order to be the best support we can be.

Your mileage may vary. Every woman, every pregnancy is different. This guide can be used by women who are miscarrying naturally or have chosen to end a pregnancy medically. This is a place of love. We are going to love you through this.

This will not contain medical advice. You should keep in close contact with your OB or your midwife during this time, and know your body and what the signs are to seek immediate medical attention.

Please feel free to share your experiences and ideas for coping. More to follow.

#miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #abortionsupport #doulas