thelostone41-blog

[thelostone41-blog]

My Demon

There's a voice screaming in the back of my head. It's calling for help. Screaming in agony. The more I ignore it, the louder it becomes. It's alone. It's lost. The more it irks it's way closer to me, the more it's affecting me. People are noticing, and they're worried. I can't tell them though, I can't say I'm losing my mind. I cant just up and say I want to disappear without causing a conundrum... My demon is close. It's going to burst. I'm trying to bottle it up, I'm trying to keep it enclosed.. But the screaming, the loneliness, the pain, the tears, eventually it'll all come out. Who will see it? Who knows. All I know is I can't hold it in forever. Eventually his screams, will become mine.

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What Lies In The Dark

You stare, you look away, you wonder what's beyond the haze of emptiness. Curious yet terrified what's behind the silence. Do you really want to know? I think you already know. The truth be told is a gift, but many a burden. What lies in the dark? Hidden behind closed doors, something broken and horrifying. It's cold. It's scared. It's alone, and confused, wondering where to go. Who will help it? Certainly not you, not alone. Fear trumps curiosity, and thus it is lost forever; forever wondering through darkness trying to find the light. Maybe someone else can help. A friend, a loved one, anyone brave enough to look deep into the abyss of nothingness. Hold their hand. Lead the way. Deep down you know what's there, growing in silence. You don't peep, not a word or hint. If you tell them now they may run, leaving you once and for all like all the others. Maybe they'll stay. Only time will tell, and the clocks ticking faster and faster. The longer it's alone, the more it grows. When they leave, it grows faster. It feeds off those who run the most. Though it hides away, it's presence can be felt a million miles away. Only through poison does it go away, but not for long. So what lies in the dark? Why are you so afraid of it? You know who it is, staring back through the emptiness like a mirror. It's eyes, they seem too familiar. It's voice like an echo. You want to free it. You want to show it the light. All you need is someone to help guide you, to push you into taking it's hand, and bringing it to light. Until that day comes...

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Goodbyes are never easy

June 24th, 2017 If I decided to share this with YOU, please start from the bottom entry, as it goes in order that way. I'm letting you into my journal. Weather or not you'll expose it, I don't know, but here I am. Today would have been our 4 month aniversary. It doesn't seem like a long time, but It feels like an eternity. Sadly enough, I've given up. I've lost ambition to keep our happily ever after. I had to end it, for my own sake. To be able to keep my sanity, and to stop myself from falling into anymore sadness. I loved her with all my heart, but there was no sign of her love back. To say you love someone and to show you love someone, are two very different things. I made a promise to myself, to make sure I did what ever I had to do to make myself happy. As much as it hurts to have ended it last night, it will save me from feeling lonely, deprived, and upset even more in the long run. Amazing memories we're made, and the love I felt was true, but things changed, she changed.. It wasn't the same and I couldn't keep myself to stay, not at the cost of my own mental health. I am broken, and thankfully I recognize that enough to know I need to stand up for myself when things get hard. Though there may have been a few tears shed, I did what I had to do. Goodbyes are never easy, but I was forced to.

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I'm About This Close

June 14th, 2017 Yet again another late night post. Today was a terrible day (well yesterday). Started off my day with little sleep and a raging headache. Then I piss off my girlfriend because, she wants me to be open and honest right, well I told her straight up I don't like her dad. Long story won't go into detail. Then of course work was annoying as piss with fucking customers who are as stupid as can be. Then I broke my favorite necklace that's made of coconut shells. And what a way to end my night by getting out of work at 10:30 and my fucking car won't start. Thankfully I have one friend I can always depend on who came to help. Won't get into that either but let's hope my car starts in the morning.. Sooooo needless to say I'm real fucking close to snapping. I'm close to ending it with my girlfriend because she can't fucking deal with my issues like I deal with hers, or even show any sort of reciprocal emotion. I'm close to fucking losing it at anyone who pisses me off. I'm so close to just blowing up.. Only ever done it once before and it wasn't pretty.. Well see how the next few days go.

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Maybe I'm Not Good Enough For Love

June 8th, 2017

I suppose it isn’t love, but rather reciprocal love. Or at the very least, the kind of love that would make someone want to do anything to be with me. The feeling that two people get that inspires them to move mountains to make their love as real as the sunrise.

Maybe my problem is that I just think love is supposed to be magical—not logical. My soul craves electricity, sparks, poetry, and the way the kiss from a soulmate can make the world disappear.

Yet as much as I crave this, as much as I give this love to others, it’s never given back to me. I am never the one who sits across from someone while they hold my hands telling me, “Baby, there isn’t anything in the world that I wouldn’t do to make this work, because you are the one thing I know for certain.”

But I’m tired of lying to myself, and I’m tired of pretending that friendship is the only possibility. And I’m even more tired of believing in love and having faith that one day I won’t be putting myself to bed alone each evening.

I think I’m finally realizing that, just maybe, I’m never going to be loved in the way that I need to be.

Maybe it’s my destiny to be alone, maybe it’s my lot to give but never fully receive.

I suppose it’s my fault in some ways, because I always see the light even in the darkness. I never focus on the reasons why it won’t work, but only the reasons why it would. I don’t look at how difficult it could be, but how worth it it would be. I don’t spend a minute thinking about how a love would affect others, because I know that when you find a love that feels like home, you hang onto it.

I’ve always been a romantic, someone who loves the dramatic climax in movies when all seems lost but then love wins. The kind of person who wants another to drive hours just to feel my lips against theirs, or to get woken up in the middle of the night just because they. couldn’t wait until sunrise to see me. Maybe it’s not even love I’m after, but just being so special to someone they would do anything to not only get me, but keep me.

Yet, even with all of this, I refuse to change.

I won’t budge even an inch, because I am unable to accept anything less than the kind of love that spins my world around and lands me in another dimension. A love that kisses me like Sunday morning, and has me on my knees praying in gratitude that our souls were brought together in this lifetime.

I don’t want a regular love. I don’t want others to approve of us simply because we have things in common or because they would be a good addition to my family. I don’t want a person to say “we make sense.”

What I want is the one who tells me I drive them crazy, that I kill them slowly with my love and realness. I want a person who breathes me in and refuses to go through life with anyone else by her side. I want a person to struggle with the idea of me and feel that no matter what they do, they just can’t get me out of their heart.

I guess what I’m really after is a woman who will fight for me, for us, in the same ways that I would for them.

Someone who not only tells me I am worth it—but shows me with their actions.

Even with my heart draped in bittersweet love, I still don’t think I am asking for too much. I don’t think that it’s crazy to think that sometimes love does grow in the most unlikely of places and that when that happens, instead of running away, we have to plant our feet firmly and remain determined to protect something so special.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know if perhaps one day there will be a person who throws caution to the wind just to be the one who wakes up to my starry eyes in the morning.

I don’t know if I will ever be loved in the ways I need to be. Maybe I’m just not cut out for love. Maybe I am meant to walk this life alone, giving out unconditional love as gifts to those I cross paths with. Perhaps it’s only in my loneliness that I am able to love like I do—because when it’s undiluted and pure, it becomes an unstoppable force.

But I don’t really believe that. Because I know I am not wrong for what I feel and what I want. Because I’ve learned that in love, you only get the amazing stuff if you actually believe it exists.

As for me, I’d rather spend my days alone believing in this messy, imperfect, difficult, beautiful vision of love than settling for the bland taste of companionship without passion.

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Hmmm

June 6th, 2017 Warning this one is all over the place. I'm in a weird spot. I really like her but I can't seem to throw a smile on my face. She's sitting 5 feet from me, on her phone again. Dinner isn't for another 2 hours. She came early. God knows why!! I try and strike up a conversation with her and it's all I get are short responses or weird looks because I asked a question about her life. Can I not be interested in what goes on in your life? Isn't part of being in a relationship to talk about our lives? Learn what goes on in each others lives? It's like you were offended that I was curious about your day, or how your friend is doing, or what your plans are. And her fucking attitude is starting to piss me off. I don't wanna be the child that ignores you and turns all one wordy because I'm mad, but maybe if I do, you'll get the point. Slowly losing faith in this, slowly losing interest to even try. You tell me you want a cute, photo taking, adventurous relationship, but the moment I ask you if you wanna do something, your response is, and I quote, "meh". Really? Would you really rather just sit there on your fucking phone looking bored? Oh but no, your co worker asks to go out to dinner and you ditch me, qnd try and make up for it the next night after i work a long ass shift. Oh but no, i ask if you wanna do something another day, and you tell me you have plans. YEAH CUZ WHEN WE HAVE PLANS IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING RIGHT??? ... Ugh. I almost cant. Im about to give up trying and see if she does anything about it. Maybe that will work, because im done trying and putting my heart into this for me to get half caring shit back. Rant over, till next time.

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The Truth

June 2nd, 1017 You always told me to be open and honest with you. Right? Well I tried that. It doesn't work. Want to know why? Because you don't care. If I tell you why I'm upset or when something is bothering me, you put it off as me just being too emotional or worrying to much. Well guess what? I have to learn to work with your anxiety, so why can't you seem to work with my issues? I love that I ask you to hang out the night before, and tonight you go ahead and ask if I'm alright with you ditching our alone time to go hang with your co-worker. You asked if I was okay with it. Of course I said yes, but no I'm upset. We don't get a lot of alone time as it is, and you put hanging with your co-worker priority over me. So yea that kinda irks me. You're always on your fucking phone too, and its been 3 hours since your last text to me, or even opening the snap chat I left you. I know you have your phone on you; first of all messenger said you we're active just 2 min before writing this. And I'm fucking sure your snap chatting away to your other co-worker Tim because you're always fucking talking to him when you're with me. You want me to he honest? I'm going fucking insane right now. You're driving me back into my depression. You push away my love and affection, and ignore my problems. You always seem to want to he texting someone else rather than have an actual conversation with me. You constantly bring up stories about your ex bf who you swear you'd never go back to, yet he keeps coming back up. I'm being honest. If things don't change, I'm gonna blow up. I can only take so much.

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That promise

May 28th, 2017 Just to update, I am working on trying to better myself. Going on hikes when I can, lowered the nicotine count in my vape (go ahead make vape jokes, better than regs), and I'm trying to worry less, but holy damn I'm actually getting mad. So obviously I'm still ranting and posting updates. So much for that part. But I am trying to better myself.

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I'm want to give up

May 28th, 2017 I love you. You know this. Yet you push me away if you're not feeling it. I want a goodbye kiss before we get back to your camper because I know you don't like PDA in front of your parents, and you ignore it and say I'm too needy. Well I'm fucking sorry that I like you and trying to show affection. This is a relationship you know that right?? Like seriously. You go and cuddle with the 8th grader overnight in the other camper because ours is too crowded no problem, or flirt around with the other young kids, but if I want affection you have to be in the mood? Wtf. Seriously wtf. I'm giving you my all and you give me just a little bit now and then? Are you purposefully trying to push me away?? If you don't want to be with me just fucking tell me so I can stop. I'm a fighter, I want this to work, but I can't keep going on with this bullshit. Your ex was a pushy, mentally abusive asshole, and I'm here trying to give you my heart, and you push it away as an annoyance. I don't get it, I really don't. You always told me you loved physical affection, you like cute pics together, etc. But when I try to do anything you push me away. I'm about ready to give up. I really don't want to but I'm ready to. This is getting to be a bit much. I'm losing my fucking mind. Oh and again, get off your god damn fucking phone. Your manager friend there doesn't need a fucking update every 10 min. I'm no saint but if I'm with someone, especially you, I limit myself for that personal connection. You talk more through text than you do in person. Ughh I need help. I need someone, you, to just fucking love me back.

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What the fuck

May 27th, 2017

I’m at the campground with her family for memorial day. It’s been an interesting time. Dealing with her dad, taking care of her dog, oh and now she’s mad at me because I decided to go talk to her sisters husband whom I get along with. Like really? Don’t get mad at me for getting along with people. You don’t like PDA in front of people so im limited to holding fingers (not hands), rarely any hugs, and nearly no kisses. But nooooooo the moment I go talk to someone else for a few you get mad at me. Not like you haven’t put me down at all this week, or ignored me for something else, just really?? Wtf.

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I promise

May 23rd, 2017 I promise to do what ever it takes to make myself happy. That's my promise to myself. I'm tired of feeling worthless, I'm tired of overthinking, I'm tired worrying, I'm tired of being depressed; I'm gonna make a change to better myself. No more negative thoughts. Clear mind and positive thinking. I'll be going on more hikes, I might start running, I'm going to try and quit smoking, and going to force myself to think positive when negative thoughts come in my head, and I'm going to do what ever it takes to make this work. It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to try my best. It won't happen overnight and Ill still pop on here to dump my thoughts, but hopefully things will begin to turn positive. It's a promise to myself, and I'm going to do my best best to make sure I keep that promise.

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I'm tired

May 20th, 2017 As I walk through the isles at work, aimlessly just cleaning up after customers ruin the store, I start thinking and talking to myself. And I'm tired.. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling worthless and a burden. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of over thinking. I'm tired feeling that I'm not enough. I'm tired of the sleepless nights. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of feeling. Life is never easy, but just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I need you to comfort me like I comforted you when you were going through hard times. Yes I'm sensitive, yes I'm broken; and i worry, I get sad, and when I am, I need you to hold me like I held you. Don't just sit there and tell me I'm too sensitive and that I'm over thinking things.. I know I am, and I can't help it. I am who I am for a reason. I'm sorry if it's annoying, but I'm tired of feeling this way.

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Let go

May 21st, 2017 You know what time it is. So she was over tonight for a fitepit night. Just her, me, and my dad. I felt like the only one paying attention to it. Ever just look into a fire and get lost in your thoughts? Now tonight I can't complain to much, it felt nice to see her again. But God damn that phone. She's always checking it. Now I know it's hard to not check your phone every so often, I'm no saint myself, but I swear every few minutes she'd be in browsing Facebook/instagram/snapchat. Now I don't know much about who she fallows and what not, I'm not a controlling person I usually don't care, but she pulled up a picture of her ex and started talking about him again. It was midly negative comments but if someone hurt you like that, why wouldn't you just cut them out completely?? I'm a broken person emotionally, but even I know to cut someone out if they hurt you, especially if you're with someone else. It's slightly disheartening to know she's still fallowing up on her ex. Mehh.. Why can't people just let go of the past.

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Circles

May 20th, 2017 Need I remind you it's a 1am post again? Lol what is sleep at this point. Anyway, I talked to her today. Short story, yes she has anxiety, yep I'm over reacting. Phew that was easy.. If only. I feel like I'm the only one trying here. So here's something that got me a little upset. I'm on a hike today, and the schedule for work comes out. I haven't worked a tuesday in a long time, so I wanted to bring my gf to the zoo that day because she loves animals. Well I get scheduled, and told her I'd see if I could get someone to switch. So she yells at me because I should be more responsible and just deal with it, that it's not a big deal, and that I shouldn't be cutting my time at work for her... Do you realize this is a relationship?? You're my top priority. I want to spend time with you. I'm giving up my own time to try and do something fun, for the person I love. Then it hit me, is that how she thinks?? Would she not try to sacrifice something as little as a shift at work for me? For God sakes were college students in retail jobs. I'm sorry I wanna spend time with you. Should I even try anymore at this point? My summer classes start the week after so I won't have much free time to do day trips like that. I had asked one person but I couldmt do it. Was gonna ask another but said fuck this. It wasn't worth it.. And not even a thank you. For damn sake I'm trying so hard to make her happy, make sure she's okay, go out and do things with her, just see her, and it all circles back to me being the burden. She says everything is fine, but even after talking today nothing's changed. It's making me go insane and she seems to just brush it off like it's nothing, like I should be able to handle it. My friend I was with was telling me how some people are so used to a certain way of things that they find it weird when something different comes along. Even if the new is better (now I don't think very highly of myself but even I know I'm better than the asshole before me). They'll go back to their old ways because embracing the new is too out of place for them. I'm not her ex. I'm far from it. It just circles back.

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Who?

May 19th, 2017 Still up. My minds just been wondering about and figured Id do another entry and what I'm thinking about. Ever consider just dropping off the face of the earth? I don't mean death, but cutting all connections, starting off new, or maybe not even starting off again at all. As if the world would be better off without you. Pretty sure I posted in one of my previous entries about hiding out on an island where nobody can hurt you, you can't hurt anybody. I'm having those thoughts again. I feel like I'm a burden to so many. My girlfriend lately seems annoyed with me; won't go into detail but the previous entry kinda explains it. I feel like if I wasn't around my parents wouldn't have to deal with my tuition, me coming home basicslly to just sleep seeing I'm always out. My friends wouldn't have to deal with my issues when I want to talk, and I mean my real friends not just the people I associate with. Who would remember me? It I up and disappeared today, who would look back 5 years from now and go "on yeah, he was awesome", or "I loved that guy". I think we can exclude family for obvious reasons, but realistically who's lives have I truley impacted and mean something too? If I we're to disappear, would they be saying "him" or "who"...

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How to feel

May 19th, 2017

Once again this is a 1am post. I’m having a hard time on how to feel about everything. Something is wrong, something is off, but I can’t figure it out. It’s like I’m a bother. As if taking the time to see me is just a burden. I picked her up from work yesterday to have dinner with my aunt who lives down the road. Yes she is kinda shy around new people and I’m sure work made her tired, but I barely saw a smile on her face. She was quiet the whole way to my aunts place. And of course quiet when we were there but that was expected. But what I think hurt the most about yesterday.. Once we were pulling in to her work to drop her off, she started talking again, full sentences, I could barely get a full sentence out of her the entire time that evening until then. She’s close with her coworkers, and I get that, but to see the biggest smile that evening coming from the fact she was leaving for to go hang out at work… Idk.. She kissed me goodbye and said love you, but it didn’t feel right. Something about when she looked me in the eyes told me something different. I’ve given this relationship my all. My whole heart, my time, my love, my compassion; is it not enough? What am I doing so wrong? Why is it falling apart? I can’t say it is to tell the truth. I need to really talk to her. I just don’t know how to start it. I really hope it’s just me over reacting, but at the same time, things changed so suddenly and so drastically. She makes me happy, the connection with her is something I haven’t felt in a long time, and it feels amazing. I can’t get heartbroken again.. I can’t go through that again..

#relationship #advice #help #why #upset

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Am I over reacting?

May 16th, 2017 So as I believe I've established before, I'm a very emotional person. I don't take negativity well, and it usually is self destructive. Almost every night, unless she passes out, there's a goodnight text to each other. The past 2 night (including this night seeing I'm writing this at 1 am) she hasn't texted back the usual goodnight and I love you. Now again I'm probably over reacting, but it's not like she passed out within seconds, and the mssaneger reads read. I know she's been stressed because of school and she pulled an all nighter last night. But that's something pretty consistant we had going. Its weird. I just feel lost. Oh and I worry too much.. That's a thing. If she's having a bad day or in a bad mood I try and cheer her up, ask if she's alright, just make sure she's okay, but I feel like it's getting annoying for her. I can't just stop though, I care about her and want to know how she's doing and make sure she's okay. Meh... I feel like I'm trying to hard. I'm afraid to get hurt again and don't want to lose her, I just want her to be happy.