thedemigodfromravenclaw

[thedemigodfromravenclaw]

I'm not good at writing, especially if it's about my deepest feelings . So... it's gonna sound like more of a rant than a question but here we go :

I'm a cis woman who's turning 18 this month. I live in South Asia. In my country, no identity other than cishet is accepted or even talked about. I'm pretty sure that most of the people doesn't even know that identities beyond cishet exist and they wouldn't be able to understand in a million years how people can be non-binary or queer. It should be mentioned that my country is a pretty conservative country where majority of the population are Muslims.

So, as a girl, I get the usual "Marriage Talk" a lot. Whenever someone brings up this topic, I simply say that I'm never getting married . I've been saying that since I was 4. (Yes, people who I didn't even know existed a moment ago got really worried about my marriage cause I'm*not acting like a good girl* and nobody's gonna marry me if I kept acting like that. ) My fam is pretty chill about it though, every single time I said something like this they were like , "You're gonna definitely change your mind when you're older." Now that I'm older ( my family never thinks so ) , I have changed my mind.

Teenage girls usually LOVE to talk about boys. Naturally, in school, a considerable amount of gossip were about boys (mostly celebrities). I participated too. (Most of the time, I was just listening to them. I didn't feel comfortable talking about the specific topic with my classmates. They can be major bitches.) But I noticed how they sexualized them, fantasized about getting married to them, even having kids with them. It always seemed gross to me. How do you even think these stuffs about people you don't even know ? They were like , " I'll never be able to even speak with him. What's the problem if he's in my fantasies ?" A lot of them started dating. It was when we were around 12/13 y/o. (My country is a conservative place.Here, having a bf/gf is not acceptable at all. A lot of people finds the idea of even having a male friend disgusting.) I, on the other hand, didn't have this kind of fantasies. When I say that a guy is cute or handsome, I'm not having a crush on him. I'm simply admiring his good looks , the way I'd admire a painting. At present, most of my classmates are dying for a boyfriend. (Again, having a boyfriend here is NOTHING like having a boyfriend in the West.) I'm absolutely sick of seeing their posts about the pros and cons of being single, sad songs and.......I don't even know how to describe those.

Now, I'm sure that I'm a cishet female. But, I find the idea of having sex with strangers, barely-known person or even a person I just know- with whom I don't have any special mental bond repulsive. Also, when my classmates are desperately wanting a bf, I'm completely fine. A boyfriend kinda seems waste of time, money and energy to me. I'm young and I have lots of things to do now. Even though Twilight seems boring to me, I'm not unromantic. I kind of want to be with someone who really gets me ( in future). And I think I'll enjoy sex stuffs with the guy.(Ps. I like to love myself 😊) Like, I want a special person who'll love me for who I am and see through my false "I'm okay."

I'm wondering, do I fall anywhere in the Ace spectrum?

I have no one to talk to about it , and the internet has made me super confused. I just want to know myself better. ( And also to explain how I don't have crush on that super handsome guy to others )

Hope I used the hashtags right. I'm new on Tumblr.

💜💙💚💛🧡❤️🖤🤍

#ace spectrum #grey ace #curious #cishet #maybe #a bit too much #about me #grey asexual