thebolognablog

[thebolognablog]

Quarantine baby

Coming at you live from her bed, day 15 of quarantine, its me beech. Some shit has happened so lets dive in. Well for starters my work schedule changes literally daily now, so that’s great. I also now work opening everyday, its whatever money is money and its really not too bad. Secondly Keenen stayed with me for the first two weeks of the quarantine, that was dope we played games and cooked and watched a lot of new shows. He went home yesterday, and now I am alone which is just what my depression was waiting for. It creeped right in and has been slowly swallowing me whole tonight. I feel like I am drowning and there is nothing I can do. I’ve been crying for a while. Oh I finished tiger king, that shit is wild. But back to my lovely ~depression~ she is here and I feel useless and like I am only a burden on everyone in my life. I can’t keep my mood stable, my health is awful rn, I need to keep working out, I want to stop eating entirely but that will be hard to do. Since Keenen left I could probably get away with it, but I’ve come so far with that I don’t want old habits to creep in more than they already have. I just want to be happy, I know shrinking myself won’t make me happy but fuck it might help a little right? no wrong. This is wrong. Man I am sad and a mess. I think I have fully decided to fuck nexplanon in the ass because this is n o t working for me. This little implant sounds great until you realize its just a depression crazy bar IMPLANTED in you. Man fuck this shit i am out. So I think that will be coming out soon. I am considering doing a copper IUD they make periods kind of suck from what Ive been reading but they are hormone free and I want that. I stopped taking BC in high school because of migraines, and I have to say I am noticing more than usual now and im just so fucking sad and crazy right now. I just want to be me and just me. I dont want hormones or anything changing me. I am so sick of it. I am sick of everything. Literally the only thing stopping me from just yeeting in to obvilion and moving to some forest is my Dad and Keenen. So Shout out to them yall rock. Writing this out made me feel a bit better but idk how long this will help for. Ill try to update more too, this will be a cool thing to look back on. 

dope well bye for now,

-Stressed Depressed and not well dressed 

[thebolognablog]

What the fuck is up Kyle. January 31st 2020

Well its a new year, new me I guess. I’ve been doing a lot of growing mentally, physically (getting swole af), and emotionally. I’m really excited and want to have a place to track my journey so I figured why not ramp up the old blog again. 

First things first, I moved, I don’t talk to my old roommates because of a falling out. Which stinks but it happens. I’m trying to remind myself that as we grow sometimes we grow apart from people. But I’m so happy with my new roommates they are so kind and fun! The apartment is so fricken cute and nice, and  they both have dogs! It’s a good time. 

I met someone who has made my life so amazing. He is just wow I could talk about him for hours. He is going to meet my mom in March when I graduate. Oh yeah I’m in my last quarter of college, lets get this real adult bread. I have a post grad job lined up. I’m starting part time and will keep my current job to be full time between the two of them. 

As excited as I am to graduate on a real note I’m terrified. Change is scary but good, so keep that in mind. 

And with that I am concluding my first 2020 blog post because I am at work and should do homework. 

xx. S. 

#blog #self growth #change

[thebolognablog]

June 9th, 2018

Finals are coming up and I am very stressed I went to my cousins graduation yesterday. then drove back. Today I met with some pals from math to study and was very overwhelmed and it was like my old friend could tell and she was so reassuring and invited me to dinner with the 2 of them so I went and honestly it was so fun. this is really dark but on my drive from home back to school today my mind kept wandering to how easy it would be to crash the car and not have to take finals. I couldn't stop thinking about how easy it would have been. Recently Ive been really down about my weight and how I look and I just don't see a reason to go on. But tonight going out to eat (even tho I shouldn't have eaten anything) was really fun and gave me a reason to hold on for another day. MY goal is to try and keep experiencing little things that make me want to hold on. Even if it's a small thing I just need to keep having reasons to hold on. I need to survive for something. And I hope one day my life changes from simply surviving to actually thriving. I want to enjoy life more than I do now.

[thebolognablog]

June 8th, 2018

Happiness is unattainable in this society. We are all just blobs working toward nothing. Striving to get more paper that buys us more things. Things that are supposed to make us happy. What do we do when things no longer make us happy? When we see through the likes of society. When we see the ugly side of the world. We are forced to accept the fact that this life is nothing but suffering until we eventually die. It's all for nothing. But if we have nothing to hold on for why do we hold on? I don't know today. I may not know tomorrow but hopefully one day I'll know why we hold on. As for today I do not know and I am condemmed to my own thoughts of this perpetual rat race we call life.

[thebolognablog]

[thebolognablog]

March 26th 2018

Hi. I want to dissapear, I don't want to die but I feel like such a burden to everyone and everything and I hate the world. I know I'm a shitty person a shitty friend and a shitty daughter, I'm already hard enough on myself when other people are hard on me it's just too much. So yeah. Happy fucking spring break to me.

[thebolognablog]

March 9th 2018

Yeah so I uh want to dissapear. I don't want to die but I don't want to be here anymore.

[thebolognablog]

February 14th 2018

I feel like I am in a weird place in my fitness journey, Like I want to be thinner and more toned but at the same time I want to eat donuts and poptarts, I felt really good this morning but I've eaten hella food today because I think tomorrow I want to really kick it into gear. but at the same time its a hard thing to balance loving yourself for who you are and wanting to be healthy. Like I want to lose weight, but at the same time I want to love myself. Like how do I become fit and love myself. IDK, also so since my old roommate moved out, I moved all my stuff to her side of the room, because there is more wall space, and she was just walking by outside the window and saw me lol. This is very uncomfortable. Hopefully soon I smash basketball boy, he's hella hot. Also pray for me and my midterms.

[thebolognablog]

February 8th 2018

Ugh. so recently I have felt like a lot is going on, midterms are happening, my grandma has cancer and I cant stop eating and watching youtube. So lets work our way through this list. First things first I am the realest, but this aside I got a midterm back today and got an 86 which is great except everyone was getting 100s like not joke. So that bummed me out, but I’ll get over it. Part two my grandma, yeah so I found out she has cancer and I haven't told my friends because I don't want to bother them, they have a lot going on. On the topic of my friends I feel like they deserve the world and I'm not able to give it to them because I'm so busy with school and work, and when I'm not doing those two things I want to just chill and watch youtube. So hopefully they don't kick me out of the group lmao. Third thing: I want to lose weight, well I want to be more fit. Like I want to have my dream body but I am stuck between wanting to live out my young life and eating trash (aka ben and jerrys half baked by the pint) and wanting to be healthy and working out. I have resorted to using my old pal a calorie tracking app, and trying to be healthy. God please just give me a flat toned body. I want my stomach to look like flat Stanley. oh why cant I just eat trash and be skinny, the eternal life question. Welp I have finals and work these upcoming days so rip to my free time and confidence. 

Sincerely Stressed in Sacramento