thatbitchinsneakers

[thatbitchinsneakers]

The Bachelorette Season 16 Episode 4

The episode we’ve all been waiting for: Clare’s departure! Let’s do this.

The episode starts with all the guys talking shit about Clare. Shocking. While Dale is sitting alone at the dining room table of the La Quinta common room, all the men seem pretty upset at the lack of screen time they got on the last date. 

In comes Chris Harrison, probably pissed that he had to leave his multi million dollar airbnb to go to the  La Quinta to talk to Clare about how the ratings are extremely down cause nobody cares about this season, and they need to somehow blow it up. Clare then goes on to explain how she’s “head over heels” for Dale. Like you’ve known him for hmmm idk like 3 weeks? Like what do you even know about him? Do you know his middle name? Where he went to high school? If he brushes his teeth once a day or twice a day? If he pees standing up or sitting down? These are the things you have to know about someone before you can claim you are “head over heels” in love with them, Clare. You’re 39 years old, time to grow up. You haven’t even seen his dick yet! What if he has a micro penis or worse....it’s pierced?!?!

Clare begins talking about how she was legit stalking him on Instagram before filming. Like I’m sorry but there is no way that’s fair. Every other bachelor/bachelorette has to blindly (i think) meet these dumbies face to face when they walk out of the limo or do some embarrassing stunt that a producer makes them do, and Clare is here saying how she’s been stalking these guys on social media for months before filming? NOT FAIR ABC! NOT! FAIR!

Also, side note, there has gotta be some shit we’re not seeing because Clare keeps talking about how Dale just like emotionally gets her, but all we’ve seen is Dale scramble to speak English so I’m gonna need the producers of ABC to release some unseen footage for me to believe one word of this shit. “He continuously shows up for me” okay Clare there’s literally nothing else to do at the La Quinta resort.

Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party or rose ceremony and all the boys pretend to be upset. Harvard tries to get some camera time and says “give me a break, you know?” Totally. All the guys are pretending to be fed up with the girl they are all simultaneously dating, and Chris pulls Dale aside. He tells him that Clare wants to spend time with him tonight. He says “okay” and walks away looking like someone told him that his dog just died.

Clare walks out in a dress that looks like it should be worn at a quincenera. They sit down at their fake meal and Clare talks about herself, obviously. Dale honestly looks like he’s about to shit his pants. She’s telling him her parents names cause, once again, they literally do not know each other. Is this the most they’ve ever spoken? It honestly might be. In response to Clare telling Dale how she wakes up and goes to sleep thinking about him and responds with “yeah.” Obsessed. The kiss until the sunrise in front of a random band (low budget) and then make their way to her bed in the presidential suite at the La Quinta where Clare is gonna see Dale’s penis for the first time! Yay!

Now we see the boys sitting in the common room talking shit, obviously, pretending that they have no idea whats happening. They claim they’d be blown away if he slept in her room, yet he’s been gone 18 hours? Like where do you guys think he fucking slept? Use your little brains!

Chris Harrison shows up at her room, against his will, and lets Clare know that the next step in this process is proposal. Idk Chris Harrison but I feel like there’s definitely a few more steps you could take before proposal in this situation? This scene makes me laugh because it’s not Dale who is telling her that he’s gonna propose, ITS CHRIS HARRISON. CHRIS HARRISON DELIVERING THE NEWS TO CLARE OF HER OWN ENGAGEMENT. Truly hilarious. Thank you ABC for making me laugh tonight. Thank you.

Back to the men talking shit, shocker. Kenny, boy band manager, has been getting a lot of air time which will obviously be great for his band in the future. Clare shows up to the La Quinta common room and tells her 25 other boyfriends that it’s done for them. Byeeee! 

Chris Harrison facetimes Neil Lane and I absolutely lose my shit. “We need the ring. TODAY” as if they don’t already have the rings there? Hysterical move by the producers. Now Chris is asking Dale if he wants to propose to her, because he definitely didn’t just tell her 10 minutes ago that Dale is gonna propose to her tonight. Chris once again says this is the next step, but like don’t you think the next step is maybe to ask her to be his girlfriend? Like did they even DTR?

Clare is nervous that she’s gonna show up and Dale won’t. Does she know that this show literally revolves around her this season? And there’s like absolutely no way Dale WONT show up? 

Clare is overwhelmed with joy that Dale actually shows up to fake proposal! Dale isn’t even cracking a smile when she’s telling him how obsessed she is with him (even though she doesn’t know him at all whatsoever) like maybe pretend to care? Dale proposes with a ring he most certainly did not pay for with his Party City modeling paycheck and Clare’s ovaries simply explode. Did they even say “I love you” this entire time? I’d rewind but I literally don’t care enough. 

Back to the boys pretending to care that they’re no longer dating Clare. Darn. Chris Harrison breaks the news that they will NOT be leaving the La Quinta resort and gives them the option to leave. Shocker that nobody leaves but honestly not that shocked cause I assume that you can’t get any Instagram promos if you’ve only been on the show for 2 weeks, right?

And without further ado, here comes Tayshia!!!!!!! Now I’m excited cause I actually really liked her. Great teeth and great body. Hopefully she keeps it real and isn’t an idiot! Guess we’ll find out <3333 

See u next Tuesday ;)

#bachelorette #bachelorette tayshia #comedy #funny #keepitreal

[thatbitchinsneakers]

The Bachelorette Season 16 Episode 3

And here we are again. Still watching this dumb season but what can I say? It’s addicting.

We start off this episode with all the men sitting around talking about how gorgeous their girlfriend looks. Totally normal for 8 guys to be complimenting and talking about how much they like their SHARED girlfriend. 

Here comes Yosef talking shit! But its fine cause the producers hired him from the start to be the villain of this season. So awkward that there’s literally nothing exciting about this season that Yosef has to pretend like he’s uncomfortable with guys having to strip and play dodgeball. And get this - he wasn’t even one of them! Also why is this taking like 15 minutes for him to confront her. That just shows how fucking pointless and boring this season is. He called the situation an “atrocity” like oh my god who cares get over it you loser. “You’re not setting the right example for my daughter” wait what?! Did she go on the Bachelorette to set an example?! Last time I checked, a girl dating 30 guys at one time isn’t exactly “setting an example” either?!?! Also, so hard to believe this shit is real cause Yosef just like peaces out and gets into the car like no luggage or anything. So obviously this was planned before this happened. Maybe the interns packed his bags for him. Here comes Dale to the rescue! Even though all the other men literally tried to comfort her but who cares about them when you have a Party City model/ex pro football player like Dale!

Chris Harrison, part time therapist part time Bachelor franchise icon, comes to the rescue and talks it out with Clare. She tells him her ovaries are shaking at the thought of Dale. He just straight up doesn’t care. 

Pan over to Clare apologizing to the men with her 39 year old titties out and about and explaining she just can’t go on with the night. Sorry guys but the open bar has been cut short :/ But good news is, you don’t have to talk to Clare again tonight! 

Rose ceremony time! Harvard claims he (the interns) had something sweet planned for his time with Clare and honestly I am devastated because we will never know what the interns, sorry I mean Harvard, had planned for Clare. Definitely something under $50 but truly sad I won’t be able to see it.

Dale gets the first rose, obvi. Gawd forbid she pretends like she likes the other guys too for a split second. Sorry to the guys who didnt get a rose tonight -  it’s so sad - having to leave the La Quinta AND never having to talk to Clare again for as long as you live? Darn!

Wait, who is this other bitch that is just like casually visiting Clare? And can Clare shut the fuck up about how much she likes Dale? Like we get it. We’ve known from the start that you’ve been obsessed with him. Why that actual mother fuck does Clare have a pair of Clare’s pants? Like is she mentally stable?!?!

So instead of another low budget date, Clare decides to just skip to the drinking. Smart girl. Clare brings Dale to her room (classy) and I already know where this is going, despite the 50 sneak peaks that have already showed them hooking up on a bed together. I mean honestly, I hope they have sex cause Clare’s clock is kinda running out of time. I’m guessing the producers told them to pretend like they’ve been gone for an hour and to start looking for them. Eazy knocks on her La Quinta hotel room door and Dale immediately has to hide his boner and pretend like he didn’t just dry hump the only girl within a 50 mile radius of him. 

The other guys pretend to be upset that Clare doesn’t wanna talk to them anymore. Dale interrupts someone else’s time and literally cant form an English sentence as to why he is interrupting. They’re back to making out cause Dale’s testosterone is raging after he got blue balls from the last time Eazy so rudely interrupted their steamy sesh. Then Chasen (what kind of name is that?) comes out and is like “it’s so disrespectful that she has her eyes set on one person” ....as if that’s not the entire premise of the show.....?! 

Another one on one date with a guy she simply does not care to talk to! But they get pedicures ($50 per person I’d assume?) which is another - you guessed it - low budget date! And this conversation is absolutely cringe. This entire date is just so awkward and nothing is happening at all whatsoever. Ok lets talk about that kiss situation in the pool - that was so mother fucking awkward I want to turn the TV off right now. He literally tried to kiss her and she just stopped and was like aw nevermind I’m gonna turn this around and pretend like he doesn’t like me. Now Chris Harrison is telling him that Clare isn’t coming to dinner cause shes so dramatic. And now shes making Chris Harrison send him home?! Like why can’t you be the old ass adult that you are and talk about what happened and what you’re feeling like wtf. ABC intern 1 walks into the common room where all the men just haaaaappen to all be and takes Zac’s bags away. Bye Zac! 

Time for a roast! Can’t wait to see how this goes. Our first “celebrity” has arrived and I am not surprised to see that I have never heard of her. Once again, low budget. Honestly shocked to see that half of these guys know how to read so that’s a great sign! Everyone shits on Dale, obviously, cause he’s the only one that Clare actually likes. Harvard absolutely ruins Dale and I am HERE for it. 

I honestly do feel bad for these other guys. Like all she does is ask them about Dale. Like at least pretend like you want to know more about them? Here comes Clare telling the guys she can’t give anyone a rose. This season is literally pointless. Wait but Clare calling Dale her fiancé already?! Slow down girl you haven’t even seen each other naked!! What if she has inverted nipples and that’s his biggest fear? What if he has a pierced penis? Or a huge and incredibly realistic tattoo on his upper thigh of Jesus Christ? Idk like that’s a dealbreaker for me. 

End of episode but I’m pretty shocked that the producers found a way to make 3 full episodes of footage from this disaster. Please, God, just send in Tayshia already.

#bachelorette clarecrawley bachelornation

[thatbitchinsneakers]

The Bachelorette Season 16 Episode 2

Ok here we go. Episode 2. Can’t say I’m excited but I am definitely ready.

The episode starts with a view of none other than the La Quinta resort. Chris Harrison walks in to a room full of testosterone and dicks immediately go hard. He announces that it is time for date one. The date card that was written by an ABC intern is read, and dicks immediately go soft when they hear that they do in fact have to go on a date with Clare. 

The thing that has me laughing so hard is how unbelievably low budget this season is. Like the date is in a room with fake grass and a fake tower and they have to basically just tell Clare that they aren’t here for the Instagram followers, but here to be “open” and “honest” with her. Every other season is like “the group date will be going a remote island where Beyonce will be putting on a private concert and then she will flash her cooter to you and ONLY you and you’ll hold these memories forever” and then this season is like max budget is $50 per date. I guess when you’re 39 and have been on 5 different seasons of the bachelor, ABC just doesn’t have the effort anymore. Sorry Clare. Also, these “gifts” these men are giving her like I just refuse to believe someone was packing and thought “oh okay I’m gonna bring an entire chess set so I can give Clare the Queen and pretend I’m gonna treat her like a Queen”. Sorry but I’m calling BS on this one!

The physical touch part was pretty stupid too, I’m not gonna lie. Another extremely low budget activity. Actually, maybe those eye masks cost about $2 per person. Anyway, nothing like touching a girl who you’re all simultaneously dating in a room full of other horny dudes!

This “after party” is truly hilarious. Clare is literally BEGGING someone to ask to pull her aside. Harvard magically grows balls and asks her to talk. He is trying to explain that they just had suuuuch a good time with each other that nobody wanted to talk to Clare. So of course she has to make a scene cause there wouldn’t be a season without a few big scenes from 39 year old Clare! Also loving this fight with the men about whether or not someone is allowed to “speak for the group”. Like oh my god this fight is not even worth watching. Why can’t you guys fight about who fucked random girls before quarantine started? Ugh I’m bored. She ignores one guy who was actually like “ok let me fix this and talk to you” and was like nah fuck you where’s Dale. And the first “I can see myself falling in love with her” has arrived! A sentence that truly does not even make sense. 

When Clare is asked what she wants in a husband, she says “I want someone who appreciates my assertiveness and stand right beside me and be like ‘thats my girl’” Okay so Clare is saying she needs a giant pussy for a husband. Noted.

Next, we see Yosef setting himself up to be the villain of the season. Love this for him. He’s going to use any excuse to find something wrong with her, even though he knows he is on a full blown reality TV show where everything is planned and nobody is actually themselves. Every season needs a villain though!

Jason is chosen for this next date and Clare claimed she picked him because she thought he needed this like therapeutic date. How dare she like assume he needs therapy? Like WHAT?!?! How offensive!!! Also she didn’t fucking pick him to go on the date, the producers obviously did. This date is like so intense for no reason too like ?! Instead of some lavish date with unlimited champagne and a private helicopter, he has to sit on the beach and listen to Clare talk about how she’s unlovable. Sorry but this is legit miserable. Moving on. Wait I’m back. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE BRINGING THE DRESS SHE WORE WHEN SHE WAS REJECTED?!?!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH!!!! LIKE ACTUALLY WHO TOLD HER THIS WAS OKAY.

The next date - dodgeball! Another extremely low budget date on the tennis courts of the La Quinta. Clare is like “lets play strip dodgeball” and everyone is like um no? Team Blue Balls though - that was a nice touch. Someone describes the night as “getting crunk” and I would like him voted off the island immediately. And who is this random dodgeball referee? Was he covid tested? Or is he just an ABC intern they had to bully to play the ref of a dodgeball game at the La Quinta? So many questions! This dodgeball game is actually extremely inappropriate and very unlike the Bachelor franchise. Making men strip to a jock strap? Clare I know you’re an ancient dinosaur that hasn’t been laid in like 12 years but why is this necessary? So not only do all the boys have to see each other ass naked but the producers, camera crew, producers etc have to see it too? Then Clare pulls out “cheers to the balls!” in her toast. I absolutely cannot do this.

This one on one time where Brandon is like “I knew I wanted to meet you the second I saw you were the bachelorette” and then says “ well I don’t know anything about you” and like stuttering and can’t find the words to say to her other than that she’s beautiful has me actually laughing out loud. Did absolutely nobody coach you on this before?! Like he can’t tell her one thing he likes about her and it’s truly hilarious. I mean honestly I respect the fuck out of her that she’s like okay I don’t have time for this please leave. Byeeee Brandon! See you on Instagram tomorrow! 

“I know what I’m looking for and I know what I like” ok no shit Clare you’re 100 years old and have been on a million bachelor shows like if you didn’t know what you liked by now I’d be so worried.

Well, that’s all for this week. Not much drama unfortunately. Oh well. See yall next week for the shittiest season of the Bachelorette!

#thebachelorette #clarecrawley bachelorette

[thatbitchinsneakers]

The Bachelorette Season 16 Episode 1

Hi everyone and welcome to ThatBitchInSneakers! While my identity remains a secret (for now), my unfiltered opinions on the hilariously pathetic franchise that we all know as The Bachelor/Bachelorette most definitely do not . I'm just gonna cut the crap of introducing myself cause literally nobody cares so without further ado, here we go with Season 16 Episode 1 of The Bachelorette.

Before we begin, a preview for the season just came on and it was like "you'll finally get some clare-ification" and some other dumb sentence saying "clare-voyant" (as if any of the 18-25 year old girls who watch this show fucking know what that means?) and all i can say if thank god her name isn't something like hmm idk TAYSHIA ????? cause there simply won't be a single play on words for that one. Bravo to the ABC summer interns for coming up with those! 

This epsiode starts with Chris Harrison "surprising" Clare over Facetime telling her that she's the new bachelorette. Like she totally didn't see this coming even though she had her hair and makeup done and a full blown camera crew in her bedroom. Such a shock for Clare! 

Ok, so she talks a lot about how her life/filming was flipped upside down because of this little thing going on in the world called a fucking pandemic. She's like "what should I do today? Should I get out of bed?" Like don't you have a full time job? Oh wait jk you take take instagram pics from home, I forgot. 

She gets covid tested, thank you ABC, and is free to go makeout with tons of random men! Yay Clare! Chris Harrison delivering her test results had me WHEEZING. Like legally, how is allowed to give her her test results? Can he deliver my results? What about HIPPA? so many questions. not enough time. Moving on. 

Some of the men are introduced and we find out that ABC spends a fuck load of money to put them up in their own rooms at a hotel in La Quinta, California (like sorry Clare the mansion is only reserved for people in their 20s) giving her, and all the men, free covid tests. Lucky them! I had to pay $250 for a rapid covid test so fuck u ABC. Anyway, the men are bored out of their minds in their hotel rooms working out, jacking off (probably), and flexing their muscles in the mirror. 

Clare arrived to the mansion in a dress that looks similar to what I wore to my bat mitzvah (although the backless was a nice touch, Clare) and she sits down with her personal therapist, Chris Harrison, and we find out about her past relationships/500 times being on the show.  Blah blah blah Chris Harrison legit does not give one fuck.

More men are introduced as they walk out of the limo to meet Clare and I'm honestly so impressed at how closely ABC and the NFL worked this season! Every other man on this show a former football player. Sorry to the "account executives" but you guys are outnumbered :/ Maybe next year!

Let's talk about the men.

First on my list of men to talk about is Eazy. He's fucking hot but like...Eazy? "Hi mom and dad this is my new boyfriend, Eazy. With a Z!" Mmm no sorry not gonna work. But tbh he should be the next bachelor because there are so many ways for the ABC interns to incorperate his name into the previews. "This next season is NOT gonna be Eazy" or "These girls are all so Eazy" idk just to name a few.

Jason, former football player, shows up pregnant! Haha! Good one, Jordan! Next.

Ivan gets out of the limo with some inspiring words from his mother, "Maganda ka" in Tagalog, which does actually mean "you are beautiful" (yes I looked it up cause I don't believe anything that comes out of a man's mouth these days). Points for you Ivan!

Kenny - boy band manager. Would absolutely love to know what boy band he could possibly manage. 

Tyler C - Not the Tyler C I'm used to but whatever. Obsessed with the fact that the producers were like hey Tyler come here so we're gonna put you in a shitty little station wagon with a suitcase and a single lamp tied to the top and you're gonna pretend like you "packed up your entire life" to come here for Clare. Ok cool thanks! Quirky entrance #1- check! 

Of course right after Tyler shows up in a disgusting station wagon, someone HAD to roll up in a Rolls Royce. Oh and guess who it is! That's right. The guy who went to Harvard! I wonder how long it's gonna take for him to mention that he went to Harvard. My guess is next episode.

Let's talk about some of the other entrances - Straight jacket? Full suit of armor? Like what drugs were these producers taking when they were like oh here's a great idea lets put a man in a straight jacket and then have him pretend he's here for love! Dumb. 

Ok so then she meets Dale and her 39 year old ovaries literally explode. I don't blame her though because he's really hot but like relax bitch theres 30 other guys here trying to get into your pants like give it a sec. Obvi Chris Harrison comes out and is like "omg did you just say you think you met your husband? Wow in my 568 years of doing this show, I've never heard anyone say that so quickly." Clare, just breaking Bachelor records all around!

So now we're in the fake mansion, the drinks are flowing, Clare is having weird convos etc. This is usually the best part of the Bachelor/Bachelorette because everyone is literally so fucked up because they're drinking, for free, for like 8 hours straight. There's always random fights and people rolling their eyes and what not. But I was so disappointed that the only thing that happened was that one guy was like DMing randoms saying "hey beautiful" or whatever. before the show started filming. Like who cares ? Get over it. Clare sat them both down and was like ok figure it out my 39 year old uterus does not have any more time to waste.

I did love how Blake messaged her before the show being like "I'm here for you" because that's actually so sweet. Like to know that he did that when cameras weren't filming and reached out to her on insta to say he's excited for this to be over so he can meet her and he's here for her while she's going through shit is actually so sweet. If she doesn't keep Blake then I'm suing the Bachelor franchise.

Blah blah blah nothing else exciting. Dale gets the first impression rose, obvi, and then she ends up keeping the man who was DMing the girls before filming. Yosef, who she has already nicknamed "Yo". Then the rose ceremony which is literally at 9am the next day like the sun is fully up. 

To sum up this episode, I'd say it fucking sucked. This doesn't feel like the normal Bachelor/Bachelorette at all. Idk if it's the fact that Clare is 100 years old and not the usual girl that is fresh out of college and a self proclaimed Instagram model, but it just doesn't feel right. 

Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but see yall next week!

Kisses,

That Bitch In Sneakers

Official "I love that" count: 9

Official "I needed this" count: 6

#bachelor bahcelorette funny thatbitchinsneakers clarecrowley