te1escope-eyes

[te1escope-eyes]

I never fully know if I'm in reality or delusions. What is real and not when my mind can be that of 2 people? Every moment feels so real when I'm in it and it's wild to think that it's really that two opposite things can be true and holy shit I'm high and just realized how I think in these absolutes and it makes me think that there has to be one reality and one lie but it's actually neither.

I promise I'm wording this highly but it's actually helpful I think

[te1escope-eyes]

Gratitude journal 3/7/24:

I am grateful

-To help with DEI

-that I got some energy after lunch

-that my friends are mostly doing okay

I am proud

-rhat I journaled today

[te1escope-eyes]

I need somewhere where no eyes can see to blog, but I also don't want to blog if there's no possibility of someone reading it. Being human is complicated. Am I so codependent on the idea of being heard that I can't stand to just hear myself?

I guess I always have to hear myself.

Some people don't have inner monologues and that's wild to me.

[te1escope-eyes]

My brain feels heavy but I may be too high to word it.

I've noticed my irrational anger comes from a feeling of being out of control.

Like I don't sleep and part of the reason for that is because my upstairs neighbor stomps around at all hours and I've literally fantasized about his death, and then I'm like that's so fucking unhinged. And I've been polite to him any times we've crossed paths coming in the door or whatever. It reminds me of how I used to feel such intense anger at people and feel like I was two people and the person inside me was like this monster.

My therapist at the time helped me realize the root of that anger, and I've been able to let go of a lot of it by just, having more control over my life. It all viciously cycles- sleep deprivation, mental health, physical health.

When I found my Twitter from when I was 18, I was kind of disgusted by how much anger I held for small things. I'd just tweet about how someone on the bus should die because they were chewing loudly or doing something annoying, and it was constant negativity. I'm sure I was incredibly draining to be around or listen to.

But the thing is that all these small things felt big. Bad Noises™️ when you have SPD and misophonia, sleep deprivation when you're "sensitive." Chronic migraines. Then the feeling of the lack of control that came from those things. Feeling like my sleep, migraines, etc was at the mercy of others felt like others were directly impacting my physical health and therefore others didn't care if I died. Which, sounds dramatic, but when you're in chronic pain or sleep deprivation, it feels like you're losing your life away and in some ways you are. My parents smoking around me felt like they were putting their habits above my life and health and ability to not be in pain. I don't see things as black and white as that as much (though I do still feel a grudge against aspects of my childhood and teenage years like the smoking and being gaslit about it bothering me).

But anyway like getting into more stable life places has helped. Not living with my dad and not being forced in school and having more tools to deal with things like sensory overload. But it still feels awful to not feel in control about things, like sleep even though I've tried so many things for both the insomnia and to block out noise.

I feel less like 2 people now because I'm able to understand exactly where my anger comes from and also sometimes apply more logic. Like my neighbor is probably just walking normally and this apartment is old and sucks.

This wasn't even what I originally wanted to blog about.

#personal

[te1escope-eyes]

Anyway, 9/13/23 gratitudes

-that people are understanding and patient with me

-that I had enough dog walking money to avoid an overdraft

-that my drive home didn't have much traffic

I am proud

-that I am being honest even when it's uncomfortable

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

I am proud of myself still though. In the past, I would have pretended I felt fine because I couldn't stand to be alone.

[te1escope-eyes]

It's funny to think that there are people I have loved that I can barely remember. People that are pieces of a story you've read.

[te1escope-eyes]

Idk if my brain just needs to constantly fuck up good things or what

[te1escope-eyes]

9/12/23 gratitudes

I am grateful...

1. That I'm really enjoying the new audiobook I'm listening to

2. That so many students did well on their reading assessments

3. That my cat has so much love to give

I am proud

-that I had a very productive day at work

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

9/10/23

I am grateful

1. For bubble tea

2. That I have non-judgmental, caring friends

3. That I sometimes get paid to play with dogs

I am proud

-that I accomplished some chores today

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

9/7/23

I am grateful

-that my students think I'm cool 😂

-that my therapist always has good insight

-that I have another coworker I've found a lot in common with

I am proud:

That I mf'n relocated 6 huge ass spiders outside, only screamed once, and didn't kill any. 😂 trying very hard to face my fears and be gentle but discovering a bunch hiding in the foam pads on my ceiling was Testing me.

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

This week has just been super draining. Mostly for no reason except sleep deprivation but today just felt like a lot and then I finally calmed down for bed and got a really unsettling, heavy message

Deep breaths. I do not need to give this energy right now.

#personal

[te1escope-eyes]

Gratitudes 8/30/23

I am grateful

-to the driver that let me in that lane

-to own an air fryer

-that I got to support the students' micro-economy by buying my favorite flowers!

I am proud

-that I was able to help someone going through a hard time

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

8/29/23

I am grateful...

-that my coworker friend is back at work

-that our support team works so well together

-that I finished my audiobook

I am proud...

-that I saved a bee from certain death

#gratitude journal

[te1escope-eyes]

8/24/23 gratitudes

1. That my coworker was understanding and kind

2. That it's my Friday and I got to take a nap

3. For air conditioners

I am proud:

-that I am making strides in my journey to work on my mental health.

Really, I'm so grateful and proud of that. I'm not all the way there, but I never thought I'd get to where I am.

Remember that, future self. I used to feel like I was just lying to myself when I tried to be positive. I don't feel like I'm lying anymore.

#gratitude journal #dear future self

[te1escope-eyes]

It can be hard to be logical when my emotions are such a key part of me. I think I am drawn to intensity. To satisfy my own intensity. What's more attractive than a heart held on a sleeve, guiding my eyes through a microscope to the way each strand is threaded? What's more attractive than laying oneself out on the operating table, telling your story to something more than just the echo of empty halls. In the most metaphorical way, I want to taste passion. The high of synchronicity beyond words.

[te1escope-eyes]

8/21/23 sleepily grateful

-that I work somewhere where I can take a breather when I need

-that there are people that care what I have to say

-that, as much as c0star can be problematic, it said my "heart is an ancient ocean," and I liked that image

-again that this audiobook is so good and important.

I am proud

That I'm going to bed slightly earlier even if not early as I'd like

#gratitude journal