talkingbricks-blog

[talkingbricks-blog]

this isnt something i can just figure out in a day. and that’s okay.

[talkingbricks-blog]

yeah i dont want to do this but i can’t keep putting this off. im gonna address this ex thing. 

real quick my friend was just telling me about how he thought he was in love but really he was just comfortable and realized he would just get angry every time his partner would speak and that it’s not what he wanted. i relate maybe. im afraid to find out. more pr0crastinati0n

[talkingbricks-blog]

things i need to address

- breakup

- how i feel about ex

- job

- what i wanna do with my time

- why did i do this

i dont wanna face all this. is gonna hurt :(

[talkingbricks-blog]

this is gonna be really bad and rambly. im just frozen but i need to just like, vomit my words. it’s going to sound really unintelligent and make no sense but i think the best way for me to figure out what’s happening within myself is to just.. do it. it’s already begun OK let’s go. 

alright what’s first. ok. so i’ve been shoving all of my thoughts and feelings into a box and keeping it locked nice and tight somewhere inside of me. i didn’t throw away the key. not at all. i just put the key at the very core of a dark and scary place that has an overgrowth of thorns that are guaranteed to hurt me. honestly the box in on a pedestal of this dark and scary place. the key is sat right in front of it. but i don’t want to venture down to that dark and scary place and get all cut up by the thorns. the cuts will heal, they’re just thorns, but it’ll hurt and make it hard to move for a bit and not look so pretty. and then when i go to shower to try to feel better those cuts will burn. and people will see all the bloody open cuts and i dont know. react. see that.  talking about this like a fairy tale story is helping me face it a bit but i still feel like i just need to get into it. right now im around my grandma and grandkids so im a bit hesitant to get into that, to try and open that box. i don’t remember what i put in there and i’m scared to find out. i’m scared to feel again.

yeaH i definitely don’t want to get into this around people. suppress, repress, n never never access. to be continued heck

[talkingbricks-blog]

where am i

[talkingbricks-blog]

here’s a “ghost story” i want to talk about. 

so this goes back to around december 2017. around the time of my choir celebration concerts. one of my rehearsals at my school ended late. between 7-9 or something. it was late enough that it was dark out and the street lights were on. i’m driving down scioto darby road coming back from my school and i feel weirdly aware. like, i should be attentive for some reason. i was driving so i just figured because it’s dark that i need to be extra careful. two streetlights go out in front of me as i approach them. one after another. super weird coincidence that creeped me out a little but it was whatever. a little while after that (just a few days, i think) the light in my room goes out. now, it was a ceiling fan light that had about four bulbs in it. my switch was not off, but all of the lights turned off at once. it was daytime when it happened so i wasn’t completely in the dark but i still noticed. i went to the control panel in my basement to see if i blew a fuse, but nothing was indicating that anything in the house lost power, so i didn’t touch it out of fear i might cut the power to someone else’s room or something. i walk back upstairs and the light is on. weird, it must’ve come back on while i was downstairs. about thirty minutes later the lights turned off again and switched on after about fifteen minutes. this became a pattern where the lights would go on and off but for different periods of time. i tried ignoring it and it still happened. just because i talk and think out loud when it went off the next time i said “okay i get it!” because i was just annoyed. obviously i didn’t expect anything to happen, but the lights immediately switched back on. this happened for a couple days and it felt like the only way to get the lights to come back on (yes i tried flipping the light switch on and off) was to pay attention to it and acknowledge it. it wasn’t always instant and responsive, though. the lights would never turn on at night when i had them switched off to sleep but sometimes they would be on when i came home from school even though i turned them off. i was the last one to leave the house and the first one to come home so this weirded me out. i’ve had plenty of paranormal experiences so i dubbed this paranormal. i brought it up to my family and they recommended i change the bulbs. i didn’t because there was no need.

when this was happening during the day, something even weirder was happening at night. every night at (i can’t remember the exact time, but i remember it was an ~exact~ time) _____AM i would wake up. like, wide awake. i would be in a heavy sleep and instantly i was awake. i’m a really heavy sleeper and i have a bit of a groggy haze for the first ten minutes to twenty minutes that i’m awake. but every morning at this time i would just be awake. the first night this happened i checked my phone to see the time and in doing that i saw across my room a black mass. like a really dark shadow of a large person. this freaked me out so i closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep. it took me a while because i felt so aware and scared. for a couple weeks this happened every night at this same time except i never opened my eyes for it again. i was way too scared. i thought about taking a flash picture with my phone but to this day i dont regret not doing that because if i wouldve seen something in the picture i would never be able to sleep again because i knew it was there. so this happened for about two weeks straight as i said. i’d be instantly awake, felt like i was being watched, kept my eyes closed tight, and fell back asleep. 

one morning on my drive to school a streetlight went out in front of me while driving on my way towards school on this same road (the two that went out previously were still out). i thought it was another weird coincidence and told my brother in the passenger seat but he didn’t care. after i watched that light go out, all the weird stuff at my house stopped happening for a few months.

fast forward a few months after that. it was late at night and my brother and i were driving home from dinner or something. i pull in the driveway and in the passenger side mirror i see a person approach my car. when i turn my head to look, nothing is there. i was so focused on the side view mirror and realized i probably imagined it or something and pretended i was checking my parking so i wouldn’t scare my brother. i look back in front of me as to process what just happened and i decide to look at my brother to see if he was watching me be weird. i look to him, and he’s looking at me: horrified. “did you see that?” he said. “what did you see?” i said to him. i asked him because i didn’t want to influence what he was about to say. “i don’t know, i saw someone??” he said. “i saw someone too i didn’t want to say anything though i thought i made it up” i replied kind of laughing because i was scared and jittery. he asked if i would drive around the neighborhood just in case it was a real person and as we drove in a couple circles we rationalized that if it was a real person they couldn’t have ran so fast blah blah blah. we get back home, pull in the driveway, and go inside. we locked the doors and went into our bedrooms. he was playing video games so he had soundproof headphones. i was just in my room on my phone so i could listen if someone was trying to break in. i started hearing footsteps downstairs below me in the kitchen area. i went downstairs (idk where i got the bravery from lol) and walked into the kitchen and could almost hear the footsteps around me? i went back upstairs and turned on my tv because i figured, “okay, so no one broke in, it’s just a ghost”. that’s more chill in my brain lol. about an hour later i hear the front door open which is right below my bedroom. the door closed and i could hear footsteps go from the door into the kitchen and walk around a bit and heard a the sound of the kitchen chair shift. everytime one of my family comes in the house they go straight to the kitchen and set their stuff down on a chair or something so i figured my mom had come home. i ran downstairs to tell her about what mark and i experienced and she wasn’t there. i called to her room and got no response. i texted her asking where she was and she said she was still out. i went to my brother to tell him what just happened and he brushed me off because he was playing games and didn’t have time to listen. i had him lock his door and locked myself in mine. about a half an hour my mom and her boyfriend actually came home and i greeted them at the door, panicking. i asked them to check the house because i heard someone come in and walk around. they found nothing. 

fast forward a little later. it was about every few nights i felt like i was being watched in the middle of the night, this time at random times. not exact like before. one night i couldn’t fall asleep because my floor was creaking. there is a certain spot near the closet (where the dark shadow thing would watch me sleep, and i felt like i was being watched from that area) where the floor would creak really loudly. without fail anytime i walked over it, it creaked. one night i couldn’t sleep because that spot was creaking as if someone was pacing over it. it had that specific of a pattern that i could imagine how it was happening even though i saw nothing there. i went to sleep and the next morning i told my brother what had happened. he told me that he couldn’t sleep because he could hear people talking in his hear. like someone was talking into his ear everytime he tried to fall asleep. we both thought it was weird. i went downstairs to get breakfast and felt weird. i walked all around the inside of the house but didn’t see or feel anything, i just felt creeped out like something was behind me at all times. my mom’s boyfriend woke up because i was in the kitchen and came up to make food too. my brother had come down at that point and my mom’s boyfriend asked which one of us had snuck out last night and thought we could be slick about it. we both looked at eachother confused. my mom’s boyfriend said he heard the front door open, someone walk inside and into the kitchen and then go upstairs. neither of us left our bedrooms last night. my mom’s boyfriend shrugged it off but my brother and i were creeped out. 

it doesn’t end there. probably the absolute weirdest experience was one night when i was just getting to fall asleep i had my right leg propped up. i felt a finger stroke underneath my knee up my thigh a bit and as i shot up in reaction to it, i felt another finger press against my lip as if it was shushing me. i kept my eyes closed because i was scared of what i might see. i opened my eyes after about ten seconds and no one was there. i couldn’t believe what had just happened and if it was really a finger. i put my finger up to my lip and it felt a lot like what had just happened. i had gross chills. idk what that was.

later after that nothing happened and we were finally moving out of that house. i came back to pack some things up and while i was in the upstairs hallway near my room i heard footsteps. i was completely alone up there and on the floor sorting through things but i could hear and almost feel in the carpet someone walking around me.

yesterday my mom and i went to the house one last time to grab a couple final things. i started telling her about what had gone on as we were taking down the curtains in my room. she told me that she had a similar experience to one of mine where she heard the front door open and footsteps and shuffling in the kitchen and thought it was her boyfriend when it wasn’t. we kept that door locked everynight, too, so someone wasn’t just passing through. the footsteps always seemed to end in the kitchen or dining room too. they never went towards another doorway as if someone was entering and leaving our house. after we talked about it i said out loud how i felt weird and guilty for talking about it because i didn’t want the ghost thing to follow me.

last night i had a horrible dream. it was about my neighbor who killed himself. i could barely recognize him but i knew it was him. i saw his son crying and i saw him as just a shell of his former self. he was extremely pale and small. and he somehow turned into a tall and skinny pale male/female with long black hair. it was horrifying. i missed him and felt so sad but so scared. like i was watching him die in front of me or something. i really don’t know what was going on in the dream. he was sitting on and in front of a doctor’s bed at one point. i woke up and just felt like it was related to me talking about the ghost thing yesterday. my imagination probably got started retelling all of those stories. it almost makes me wonder if the ghost is my old neighbor, just because i know the ghost is a man, but it doesn’t make sense. i don’t know why i had that dream, and i don’t know why something is attached to that house. i don’t live there now and it doesn’t seem to have followed me here at the new place so i guess this is where it ends.

[talkingbricks-blog]

i feel like i’m never gonna leave this town

[talkingbricks-blog]

i don’t know what i need

i don’t know what i want to believe in

what i want to be,

is to be able to feel again

i wrote this as a lyric after a counseling session. it was late at night and my head was spinning. i wrote a little melody to it immediately, and i think i wrote ‘static feelings’ around it. i almost wish i never wrote that little bit because it haunts me. like a freaking bird singing in my head and it won’t shut up. it knows exactly when to sing its somber, taunting tune. i wrote it in an effort to pose these questions so i could figure out where i wanted to go in life. instead it pops into my mind when i’m making decisions and it makes me second guess myself. right now at this very moment i’m asking myself if i’m making the right decisions. if i want to throw away everything i’ve been working towards. am i ready to commit to my future?

i wanna cry.

today i called grooveu and told them my mom was finally good to go and ready to pay the deposit to hold my spot in class. the very kind secretary asked me for my tshirt size and said they would send me a little package and stuff and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. THAT SEALED THE COMMITMENT DEAL. THAT JUST VERIFIED THAT I DEFINITELY JUST SAID I WOULD BE GOING TO A COLLEGE WHEN I FEEL LIKE WORLD WAR SUTTON IS APPROACHING. (side note: i can’t believe how insanely triggering my last name still is just looking at it. i’m gonna leave it there just so i can face my fears but wow i feel like seeing it in all caps just threw me back in time staring at it on my dad’s jacket. frick. anyways.)

so many questions. so many questions. so many, that i don’t know how or when to answer them. 

i’m avoiding saying it, because i can’t believe i’m even thinking about it, but i think in order to document and avoid internalizing it... i need to say it.

will we have to break up?

i’m gonna throw up.

is that what i want?           no, obviously. i love him and he’s my soulmate and boy do i want to grow with him and be with him for the rest of my life. what i mean is, do i want to pursue grooveu and hot topic? if i did that, i couldn’t have him put his dating life on hold for me. not after all this time. not after everything. if i were to stay here and do those things... we’d have to break up. but do i want to stay? am i only considering this because i’m afraid of change?

i know i’m afraid of change. that’s a fact. i am very uncomfortable when it comes to trying new things, going new places, and doing new things. i know i’m afraid to move. i think about it, and feel physically sick. nausea, cold sweats, panic, etc. 

i think that’s what i want though. and maybe i should be stopping and thinking, “wait, i think? i’m not 1000% sure that is really what i want?”, but i know that i can’t be certain until i do it. so. there’s that.

i think i’ve hit the point where i got too distracted and i’ve lost my train of thought. i don’t know. i think i need to shower and i’ll probably think some more and cry some more tonight. i feel buzzy, and not in a good way. 

i see an anxiety and/or panic attack in the forecast for tonight. also, i just googled the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack just so i wouldn’t be insensitive.           ???????????????????????????

[talkingbricks-blog]

do you only love me when you’re lonely?

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love me for being emotional

love me for being extra

love me despite i’m slow

love me because i’m learning

love me for giving my all to you

love me for all i’ve done for you

i don’t even know what you love me for or if you love me anymore.

[talkingbricks-blog]

i completely forgot to make another post. i thought about it, and then immediately forgot. 

i’m at a coffee shop right now because i wanted to be super productive and work on music but i didn’t bring the right headphones and my back hurts. excuses, excuses! i know. 

i had a couple chats with the guy who works here which is nice. and tomorrow i’m gonna bring lunch to one of my coworkers at her other job, so that’s also nice.

i can’t think very well right now. i don’t necessarily want to go home because i’ll be bored, but i don’t necessarily want to stay in this coffee shop because i’m bored (and my back hurts). i really just want to watch a ghibli movie with my friend.

i’ve been really bad at hanging out with friends. i promised two lunch chats with people that i haven’t gotten back to them about. i’m a little afraid to at this point as if i have waited too long. i need to push myself and just do it. 

i really really can’t focus. i think i’m gonna leave this coffee shop and stroll through a couple thrift stores to pass time and keep my brain busy. note to self: don’t spend money. 

[talkingbricks-blog]

hi!

i’m feeling pretty okay today! i think i want to talk about being able to feel satisfied in solitude and find comfort in being alone. 

i used to be extremely dependent. dependent on social media, family, a boyfriend, teachers, and friends. i was dependent on them for generally the same thing which was validation. i was also dependent on these people for other things, such as happiness from a boyfriend, money from my family, or help from my friends. of course in moderation i can sometimes expect these things from these people but i was solely dependent on these people for how my life turned out. 

it’s really frightening to look back now and remember that mindset.

to be honest for the longest time i was fine with that mindset and lifestyle. this is because i didn’t realize what was going on. i didn’t realize how dependent i was on everyone. i didn’t know that it weighs on other people knowing that someone (me) couldn’t function without their company or assistance. if i was ever called out for this behavior i would obviously deny it. i knew that it was a bad thing, but i couldn’t see myself doing it. i liked to tell myself that because of all that i have gone through and overcome, i was independent. 

after a lot of arguments and exposure to this idea i came to terms that i was indeed a very dependent person. i don’t think i ever said it out loud, though. i know i wrote a song about it. i originally wrote the song pointed at someone else very close to me whose dependency, among other traits, were weighing on me. in writing the song i realized that my behavior checked all of the same boxes. 

once i came face to face with that i really didn’t know where to go from there. for the majority of my life i have had my hand held. now i knew i needed to pry that hand away and learn how to function and feel on my own. the first thing i did was log off twitter. that sounds pretty pathetic but i knew one of my main areas of dependency was seeking validation on twitter. i made a brief tweet about how i would be taking a hiatus and deleted the app off my phone. for the days after i found myself opening my phone to tweet or scroll through my feed by force of habit. i didn’t, though, because the app was gone. i would draft tweets in my head and even wrote down some in my notes that i thought would get a lot of retweets. i didn’t want to log back in until i went a certain amount of time not thinking about twitter. i didn’t log back in for about six months.

those six months were for the most part wonderful. i learned a lot about myself and how i feel.  

i challenged myself to not sit by my phone awaiting a mundane text from someone who wasn’t nearly as needy as i was or avoid posting a selfie on my social media knowing i would be flooded with compliments. it took a lot of time because my dependent, needy thoughts lingered. i started going to stores and restaurants by myself to prove to myself that i didn’t need to be in the company of someone to do an everyday task. that wasn’t so much dependency as it was social-anxiety but hey, i overcame that in the process so that’s gotta count for something. 

it felt really good to recognize that i was doing things for myself, by myself. i was feeling happy on my own. i was feeling pretty on my own. i could look in a mirror and know in my heart that i was actually beautiful. i didn’t need anyone else to say it for me to know that truth. i stopped wearing makeup everyday and only wore it for the proper occasion. i could look people in the eye without having to dress up and act a certain way to feel that simple courage. 

i logged back onto twitter, twitter was my biggest downfall in dependency so logging back on was a symbol of true change for me. when i got back on and scrolled through my feed, i noticed i was really out of touch with my friends. i didn’t know what anything they were talking about was really about. i realized i had distanced myself from a lot of my friends almost all together in the process of bettering myself. now, i will admit that in that process i rid of a lot of overdue toxic people in my life and that was and still is awesome. but, i also distanced myself from some really good people. there wasn’t hard feelings in those relationships but they were just... abandoned. i immediately tried to make a smooth transition back into those relationships but it hasn’t returned them to what they used to be, yet. 

i really am sorry to everyone i drifted apart from. they probably don’t think much of it, or maybe they do, but i think about it often. i don’t know how to rekindle our relationship but i will do my best to try if i think something is still there.

in distancing myself from people i learned a lot about how i should talk to myself. i mean learned how to encourage and respect myself. i learned that i should only be surrounded by people who would do the same, encourage and respect me. obviously at this point i didn’t need them to be doing that for reassurance, but what i’m trying to say is that i didn’t want people who wouldn’t treat me as i would treat myself. i didn’t need people in my life who would unnecessarily mistreat or demoralize me. that may have been the greatest lesson i learned in this journey. 

i’ve become very comfortable in my own skin. i’ve become confident in my abilities. i know that i am pretty without social media telling me so for me to feel that’s true. i know i can work and make money on my own without my family’s help. i know that a boyfriend is truly in love with me by his actions without needing the constant reassurance of his words. i know that i am smart without a teacher having to tell me. i know that i have good friends not by the number of them, but by the fact that they’ll stay by my side. i know that i am all of these things and so so so much more without the methods of validation i used to seek. 

i get so excited now to be alone. to be in my own skin and feel at peace with who i am, who i’ve become, and who i want to be. it’s very warm and comforting. i could be surrounded by the most supportive and reassuring people, which is absolutely wonderful, but i know that the most supportive and assuring person has to be, and is, myself. 

that’s my journey of finding satisfaction within solitude, something that i never really thought i would ever be able to achieve. i’m not perfect, of course. i still have my doubts about myself or find myself almost reverting to my previous behavior. i think i’ll always have the moments but they are nothing against how far i’ve come, and who i’ve become to be. 

this felt good.

[talkingbricks-blog]

hello again. 

so currently i’m laying in bed with horrible cramps, a very uncomfortable headache, and a lazy n’ sore body. i’ve started my period today after not having it for a few months because of my anemia, so it’s extra miserable. not trying to start this off on a complain-y note but just documenting the status of my human. i have a math test to study for tomorrow as well as math homework, something else i’m forgetting to do, and a long overdue shower. i’m not doing any of it and instead passing time with youtube videos and annoying him with messages while he does productive stuff that will further his future.

if i keep talking like this i’m going to fall into my period’s depression. let’s talk about the wonderful bits of today.

- i went for a three mile walk/run before choir rehearsal! 

- choir rehearsal! i cried because i love music so much and i started feeling really justified in what i’m doing again. more on that later.

i just remembered i need to listen to today’s band rehearsal. that’s what i forgot. more on that later, too.

there were more fun things to today but man am i in pain. this entry is very cloudy and i’m too miserable to elaborate. the point is, i followed through on making another post. 

i really don’t want to look at my screen now, i’ve just decided. i promise i’m gonna go shower and start knocking off things from my to-do list. it’s predicted that i *might* have a snow day tomorrow and i think that preemptively slaughtered my work ethic and motivation.

before i forget- hey self, what would it look like if i made visuals to these entries kind of in the style of notjustblonde on youtube? maybe try it sometime. also, tomorrow let’s try to stay on track. your mind is wandering a lot today. tomorrow you should write about how you’ve become comfortable with solitude.

my mother just turned on the shower. i missed my chance lol. i’m going to lay in bed with my eyes closed until she’s done. my body is not terrific right now but don’t get me wrong, i had a very good day. 

[talkingbricks-blog]

this is the first entry into my online diary. i’ve really wanted to create this for several reasons, but first i need to set a rule or two for myself.

- i will not edit or think too much about this entire blog and what i’m writing. this is because i am so easily swayed into acting like someone that i’m not (something that i’m working on) and will speak in a way that may appeal to the right person or crowd. 

- don’t worry about writing in first or third person. whatever happens, happens. kind of like referring back to that first rule. 

- do not lie. if this is documenting, be completely honest for the sake of accuracy and reflecting on these entries later. 

- don’t use your own name as well as not using anyone else’s real name. your life is too insane and unsure to put yourself or anyone else in danger like that.

- don’t worry about the aesthetics too much. you’re already questioning the *title* like crazy and i think that goes back to rule number one. 

- i don’t know, you know better. just be yourself and don’t think too much about this.

- *edit: sigh, just broke a rule. but i’ve now decided just fifteen minutes after that i don’t want any titles, i think. am i thinking too much about this already? i’m already viewing this like twitter. wait. nevermind. idk. 

now, i want to record the reasons why i have felt compelled to create this.

- the slight edge by jeff olson. everything from a gratitude journal and wanting to document my progress. nuff said. 

- in an effort of silence. almost named the blog that. i wish i was more quiet about my personal life to other people because it’s gotten me in trouble when i wasn’t. also i like the idea of being mysterious. and yes i have to admit it’s because he dismisses or doesn’t care what i have to say at times and i want to train myself to only talk when it’s super worth the air. even around other people i just ramble and catch myself going nowhere. i don’t think that’s unreasonable. 

- i do better and keep to my word when i say it out loud or write it out like i’m promising it to someone. that’s why i almost made this vlog in the form of a video but after some thinking i came to the conclusion that would be a little too risky. 

- to be honest i just got up and forgot the other reasons i had thought of and i’m a little too tired to get into that thinking space again. 

persevere. 

- i think it’s healthy to write it out. it’s a good way to calm down, to cope, to heal, to think things through, and to exercise your mind. also i’m so emotional that i think this will be beneficial in balancing that out.

- i love documenting things. i love looking back and seeing where i was at vs. where i am now. seeing the progress or decline in certain parts of me. and i suppose it’ll help with my poor memory, too. 

i’m tired. good job. don’t format this too much with a sign-off. i’m proud that i wrote as much as i did being so tired and lazy.