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soft-october-night · 3 years

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The Love Interests in the Works of Jane Austen: An Assessment

This is an "extremely scientific" and "thoroughly researched" ranking based on personality, money, family and connections, and is a bit of a blend between the book characterizations and the film characterizations (and is in no way only based on my own opinions). Here we go, grouped by book but not much else.

Edmund Bertram: absolute trash. His family has treated you unbelievably shitty since day one and not only has he BARELY noticed, he ALSO has treated you shitty. Will fall in love with someone beautiful and fun and when she dumps him will come crawling to you for a rebound. His passion for you is so lackluster that even the esteemed author who wrote about it barely spared a paragraph on your relationship. Has a job but only because his dad owns the land the church is built on. You’ll gain no connections or family by marrying him, since he’s literally your cousin. 0/10

Henry Crawford: There IS such thing as too much fun, and that is never clearer than in this man, who will try to seduce you as a game, freak out when his middling overtures don’t work and then try and seduce you “for really real” this time. You will definitely move up in the world if you marry him, and if you play your cards right it seems like his sister is also just REALLY into you, so see how that goes. Life will be pretty okay until you find him in bed with one (or more, who knows) of your relations. 3/10, 8/10 if you’re into that

John Willoughby: Will be like something out of a romance novel, you’re thinking he’s going to propose and then he just fucking ghosts you and embarrasses the fuck out of you at a party by acting like he doesn’t know you. Somehow marry him (congrats on the inheritance you must have, btw) and get ready to take a backseat to the whims of his aunt for as long as she lives. 1/10, at least you get to live in a nice house.

Edward Ferrars: Oh Edward. He’s a bit of a mess, isn’t he? Super kind, your family loves him, he made a bunch of stupid decisions in his youth that are coming back to bite him in the ass. He is loyal to an absolute fault, but you luck out when his fiance turns out to be a bit of a gold digger and dumps him when his mom disowns him. He doesn’t have a job and neither do you, but his family doesn’t wanna speak to him (lucky you!) and you’ll be happy and poor together if you two can work on your communication skills. 7/10.

Colonel Brandon: He’s got a nice house, the respect of his friends and the community, and he has a LOT of passion. He’ll give your sister’s penniless husband a job, dramatically rescue you from a rainstorm, make sure his dead girlfriend’s daughter is happy and taken care of even after your ex fucks HER over too, and is all around a pretty decent guy. Just. Uh. Maybe, kinda, sorta, needs to go after women his own age and is probably with you because you remind him of his dead girlfriend. 5/10 with the wildly inappropriate age gap, 9/10 without it.

Mr. Wickham: Please don’t. He’s a thirsty bitch who lives for drama and you think he’s fun until you find out he tried to sleep with one teenage girl and is making eyes at your fifteen year old sister behind your back. Marry him (through the grace of mysterious benefactors, cause he ain’t marrying anyone unless he’s paid the right price) and get ready for a life of being surrounded by military men in the north of England while your husband tries to fuck everything that moves. Work that out somehow with him and you might actually be happy. 0/10.

Mr. Bingley: He is a softboi who will do literally anything his friends tell him to do. He is SUPER rich, and marrying him will throw your sister’s into the path of other rich men and he is REALLY into you, but get ready to be sucking up to his sisters for literally the rest of your life. Unless he can ship Miss Bingley off to live with Mrs. Hurst, have fun trying to wage a war of barely concealed insults over the breakfast table every morning, and if you’re marrying Bingley I’m sorry but that is a war you just cannot win. He doesn’t have a job but he does have five thousand a year, and neither of you can manage money. You’ll love simply and deeply and be happy as any two can be. 8/10.

Mr. Collins: Last resort to rescue yourself from a life of being a burden to your parents until they die and then having to become a governess or something. Has a job but never shuts up about his boss. You will have to rearrange everything in your house according to his boss’ will. 2/10

Mr. Darcy: Is a anxious disaster who doesn’t know how to talk to girls at parties and needs to learn how say no to going out when he’s just not feeling it. He doesn’t have a job because he’s a landlord; he owns half of Derbyshire and has ten thousand a year, but turns out that all of that money and land can’t buy tact or charisma. Doesn’t know how to flirt and thinks he’s doing a great job (he’s not). He’ll propose to you out of the fucking blue one day by insulting literally everything about you, but don’t worry! Reading his letter unlocks Darcy 2.0. This patched version gives him humility, a personality, and he WILL gain the ability to rescue your family from utter ruin. Marry him and enjoy a life of luxury and witty ripostes, but beware! You ARE going to have to deal with Lady Catherine until the day she dies, not to mention Caroline Bingley’s barely concealed contempt every time you meet in polite company. Darcy 1.0 3/10, Darcy 2.0 8/10.

Captain Wentworth: Absolutely top tier. Has a job, has earned everything he has, including a fortune and the respect of his peers, superiors, and subordinates. His sister and her husband are practically the only happily older married couple you know, his friends are super fun and nice (even the dour one with all the poetry knows how to have a polite conversation). If you dumped him ten years ago on the advice of your almost comically shitty family yeah, he’s going to hold a grudge, but he WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU and the MOMENT he gets over his pride will do everything and anything in his power (including leaping the bounds of propriety!) to win you back. Based on his love, money, and connections you should RUN, not walk, into his arms TODAY and allow him to rescue you from your family and whisk you off to see the world on his ship, at least until Napoleon busts out of Elba. 12/10

Mr. Eliot: Will lose all your old schoolfriend’s husband’s money in a bad deal, has debts out the ass, might be trying to get with either you or the woman your dad has been flirting with for the last few years, you’re not sure. Is totally ruining the rekindling relationship you’re trying to get going with your far superior ex. He wants the land and title your dad has and will stop at nothing to get it. Marry him and you can move back into your old house (maybe? it’s a little unclear what with all the debts) but have every single cent your mother left you immediately put into some dumbass scheme. 1/10

Henry Tilney: another softboi who just wants to act in the school play while his dad and brother plan to ship him off to military school and berate him for not joining the football team. Bring him shopping with you to pick out dresses, spend long nights over tea chatting about books. Has a job, but again, only because his dad owns the land the church is on. Loves you even though you have some very strange ideas about his house, and will forgive you when he realizes you thought his dad either murdered or imprisoned his mom. If he can find the courage to tell his dad to fuck off and let him live his own life, expect a long, happy marriage of snuggling together in a window seat somewhere, sipping tea and reading. 9/10

John Thorpe: Trash bastard man. Peaked in whatever equivalent of high school he had. Shitty and rude to everyone, would post racist memes on facebook and start fights if he could, all while being shitty and manipulative and CREEPILY possessive of you. -2/10

Robert Martin: A sweet himbo farmer who just wants to love and worship you. He has a job, is pretty rich, and while his connections may not be above his class, he’s an earnest boy who wants to take care of you and be taken care of in turn. Marry him the first time, absolutely do NOT let your friend influence you against him, because who KNOWS if you will get a second proposal! (You will, he likes you THAT much.) Marry him and enjoy a sweet, simple life of exactly zero drama (unless your friend is around). 7/10

Mr. Elton: Trifling gold digging trash who doesn’t know what the word no means. Do not marry, unless you want to be censured by decent, hardworking people -1/10

Frank Churchill: Knows how to have fun, but you know there’s something more going on. He won’t let you see his letters, he sends out secret notes, then he smiles and tells you that everything is totally a okay. Another boy with ANOTHER overbearing aunt, only this one doesn’t know how to say no. Marry him if you’ve got the money, but he will always be longing after the poor girl next door that auntie wouldn’t let him married, and would have cheated on you already if she was into it. 3/10

Mr. Knightly: He’s your brother in law and you’ve known him almost your whole life, so that’s a little sus, but he is also the ONLY person in your entire life who knows how to tell you no (and you really, REALLY need to be told no sometimes.) He is extremely wealthy, but more importantly he’s kind and caring about people who are considered “beneath” him. He will break his weird no dancing rule to dance with your shy friend, he will ream you out for being shitty to unwed spinsters who value your opinion, and somehow has the correct read on everyone all the time. You will gain no connections by marrying him, since the two of you already have the exact same connections anyway, but the two of you should be content in a test of wills that will last a lifetime. You’ll be very happy as long as he doesn’t get super pedantic and start correcting you about everything. 7/10

#jane austen #pride and prejudice #persuasion #sense and sensibility #emma #mansfield park #northanger abbey #mr darcy #captain wentworth

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tehcoop · 4 years

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I am an old. I'm an old, old fandom lurker wandering from one fandom to the other for the past (oh God) two decades. I've read in everything from Gundam Wing in my (not that) delinquent high school years to Due South to Stargate Atlantis, Harry Potter, Star Wars, yadda yadda yadda, on and on up to The Witcher, most recently.

And then The Old Guard.

Guys... Guys.

This movie smacked me in the face and shook me to my core. It was everything I've never known I wanted in an action movie because it just never occurred to me that it might exist. Two female leads! One of them is black! Eighty. Five. Percent female representation behind the scenes. 85%! Amazing character beats. Everyone has their own arc and motivations. No stereotyping. It's just beautiful.

And then there's Joe and Nicky.

I have never related so hard to characters or to a relationship in my life. I love my badass immortal husbands so much. It's ridiculous. I could gush for hours. I'm nothing like them, of course. I identify as a mostly straight, mostly cis, so white I reflect sunlight (though I hope I'm at least an ally to BIPOC) woman. There's nothing particularly badass about me. But I still relate like hell to these characters.

I love to laugh like Joe, and completely understand his protective instincts. And then there's Nicky. I relate to him more than any character I can think of currently. I'm introverted and can be kind of intense, but I'm also patient, kind, and nurturing. And if anyone does anything to hurt my family, especially my kids, I can rip you apart with just my words. (Seriously, I think my mother in law is afraid of me now after she got a talking to when I called her out for being shitty to my spouse. Our relationship is Much Better now).

Most importantly, I am deeply in love with my wonderful spouse who happens to be a trans woman.

And guys, I'm angry.

Remember, I'm an old. I've been searching for scraps hinting at any kind of queer love story in all kinds of media for decades. And I'm angry because I shouldn't have had to.

I shouldn't have to read into a maybe not on purpose significant glance. I shouldn't have gotten excited when two characters grabbed each other in anger because clearly they're so in love. I shouldn't have been delighted when an actor bit his lip to hint at a love story in film, or that a writer said that a character was gay years after the books were written. I made myself believe that those little bits of subtext were enough and somehow better than getting it outright because then we can tell our own stories, right guys? I preferred reading fan fiction because I could think of the hot guys I wanted to pair up in the way I wanted. I even stopped watching a lot of gay movies because they were always so sad and full of strife, and I just couldn't relate to them. I just wanted my fluffy romantic comedies. Fan fiction was literally the only place that I could see any kind of healthy queer relationship.

Which is how I got to be almost forty and still identifying as mostly straight even though I'm in a queer as hell relationship. In each of these canon stories, the character's sexuality was part of the conflict, and I was never particularly conflicted about mine. I just liked who I liked and craved a healthy, stable relationship. Or when I did see characters like Klaus in Umbrella Academy (who I love) who is comfortable with their sexuality, he's also so fantastically ridiculous that I can only laugh or cringe at him. I enjoyed many of these stories, but still related more to the Jane Austen heroines I saw in straight stories even while I preferred to chill by reading about say... John and Rodney accidentally making a baby or something.

And then Joe and Nicky come along. And they're beautiful. They're a goddamn interracial, interfaith, committed, happy, unkillable gay couple. In canon. They are the most married. They're 900 plus years of married. Their sexuality and relationship are incredibly important to who they are and to the story without being the conflict of the story. Or without being a walking stereotype of one thing or other. Instead, you have two men casually stating their love for each other, blatantly declaring it, cuddling, and kissing all while they each have their own stories, skills, and motivations.

I have literally never seen that before. Except at home, in my own house, where my spouse and I get to be our own people, but then support each other, tease each other, and cuddle at the end of the day. It was beautiful to see something that reflected the kind of love I always wanted and now get to have. In canon, on screen. Seeing Joe and Nicky's love makes me so deliriously happy that I'm incredibly angry I've never seen anything like that on screen before. Just imagine what it would have been like seeing that kiss in a crowded theater.

So why am I writing this? Because this movie is important. It's so goddamn important. I'm so happy it exists. And I want you all to know the actual weight of all the years of going without characters like this. What it means to say that I'm furious that I've never seen this before after decades of searching. How ridiculous it is that I still identify as mostly straight possibly because I've never really seen nuanced, flawed, real queer characters before. Instead, I've imagined and created evidence of gay relationships from nothing while ignoring the awful canon hetero relationships my favorite shows have forced on us. All while still unironically sighing over Mr Darcy and Clueless. I'm tired, y'all.

I want to see all the stories with all the people in various configurations. Romances, action, sci fi, fantasy, everything. The Old Guard did it. And they did it well. I'm done with the queer baiting. I don't think I can look at many of the fandoms I have loved throughout the years the same way again. I'm incredibly grateful to Gina Prince-Bythewood, Greg Rucka, Marwan Kanzari, Luca Marinelli, and the rest of the cast and crew for bringing me these already beloved characters. It's so refreshing to finally get what I've really wanted all these years. Representation absolutely fucking matters.

And now? I'm gonna go back to being a lurker. I'll read all the Old Guard fanfiction I can. I'll watch all the movies, read all the comics because I want more stories like this, dammit. I'll probably go back to giggling over and overanalyzing little character moments in all kinds of fandoms again. Mostly, I'll just go back to quietly taking care of my little family. And I might post something again in another couple of decades when my kids are off to college. And God, do I hope it doesn't take another couple decades to get more characters like this. I hope that my kids get all kinds of stories I never did growing up so that they can figure out who they are and who they relate to before they're almost forty frigging years old. It's about goddamn time.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

#joe x nicky #nicolo di genova #yusuf al kaysani #the old guard #2020 is the year we consume media that turns us queer #done with this shit #look i wrote a thing #oh dear God i wrote a thing #gonna go hide again now #i have no idea how to do a read more sorry guys #immortal husbands

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tanmath3-blog · 7 years

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Jasper Bark is infectious – and there’s no known cure. If you’re reading this then you’re already at risk of contamination. The symptoms will begin to manifest any moment now. There’s nothing you can do about it. There’s no itching or unfortunate rashes, but you’ll become obsessed with his books, from the award-winning collections ‘Dead Air’ and ‘Stuck on You and Other Prime Cuts’, to cult novels like ‘The Final Cut’ and acclaimed graphic novels such as ‘Bloodfellas’ and ‘Beyond Lovecraft’.

Soon you’ll want to tweet, post and blog about his work until thousands of others fall under its viral spell. We’re afraid there’s no way to avoid this, these words contain a power you are hopeless to resist. You’re already in their thrall and have been since you began reading this bio. Even now you find yourself itching to read the whole of his work. Don’t fight it, embrace the urge and wear your obsession with pride!

Please help me welcome the amazing Jasper Bark to Roadie Notes….

1. How old were you when you first wrote your first story? If you count comics, I was five years old. I saw a kid’s TV program in which other kids, a little older than me, were drawing their own comic books and I was beyond excited. I don’t think any idea has ever appealed to me so much in my life. The kids on the TV were using paper, felt tip pens, a stapler and their own imaginations. I had access to all those materials and I had more imagination than was healthy for a boy my age. I sat down right away and began making my own comics. I became so obsessed with doing this that, the next Christmas, my parents actually had to confiscate my pens and paper, so that I would stop drawing and come and open my presents.

If you count prose stories, then I was six. My dad used to bring home old log books, from his union (he was a shop steward at the local shipyard), to use as notebooks, and I began filling them with stories and illustrations. I was a lousy artist, but I got a lot better as a story-teller over the years.

2. How many books have you written?

I’ve written five novels, four novellas, nine graphic novels, three collections of short stories, twenty children’s books, countless pages of comics and even a couple of books of poetry (I was young and I needed the money, though if the truth be told, I’d have made more doing porn than writing poetry).

Now that I’ve counted them up, I’m quite surprised actually. Because I’m always beating myself up about not working hard enough.

3. Anything you won’t write about? Y’know, I’ve asked this question myself, on quite a few writers panels at events over the years and the responses vary. At first, most writers will say “no”, there isn’t anything they won’t take on. Then, when we begin to probe the subject, they all end up admitting that there are things that are taboo for them.

My own experience is, that, things will surface in one story, that I will find I’m unable to write about, so I will consider that topic, out-of-bounds. But then another story will start to go in that direction and I will find myself writing about something I thought I could never address. So whenever I think I’ve found something I can’t, or won’t, write about, I end up finding a way to address it.

As writers of dark fiction, we are often confronting the darker sides of our nature, the things we fear most and the things we’re least proud about in ourselves. The same is very much the case for readers of dark fiction too. Dark fiction, whether it be gritty crime, weird stories, or out-and-out horror, is a way for us to face up to, admit, and examine that dark side to our nature in the controlled, and a safe, environment of a story. As a psychologist friend of mine once said: “If you can play with it, you’ve got it. If you can’t play with it, it’s got you.” Fiction is the best way to play with out dark sides, and we should approach it, with as few limits as are comfortable for us.

4. Tell me about you. Age (if you don’t mind answering), married, kids, do you have another job etc…

I’m in my late 40s, I’m married to an amazingly clever, talented and beautiful woman called Veronica, but every calls her Ronnie. She runs her own Marketing and Communications business, and she’s a wonderful role model to our two teenage daughters – Freya and Ishara, who are every bit as indomitable as their mother.

I write full-time and have done since my kids were born, having previously been a national film and music journalist and a professional stand up. I’ve been in and out of trouble most of my life and, in spite of my age, have yet to develop the wisdom to avoid this.

5. What’s your favorite book you have written?

That’s like asking me to pick my favourite child, they’re all special in one way or another. However, like most writers I know, my favourite book is always the one on which I’m currently working. It’s my chance to redeem myself for all the books I’ve already written, for which I had such high hopes, but which, inevitably came out flawed. The book I’m currently working on, still has that possibility to be great, to be my legacy to the world, so, for that reason it is my favourite.

6. Who or what inspired you to write?

Just about every book that I’ve ever read. The great books inspire me to reach similar heights myself, and the lousy one make me think: ‘wow, I can do better than that, maybe I’m not so lame after all’.

7. What do you like to do for fun? I recently joined an all female, octopus mud wrestling team. I’m not actually female (as you probably guessed) and I can’t wrestle for shit. But I think the other ladies let me join because they find it hysterical to see me getting my butt kicked by all manner of octopi. Recently, they’ve taken to replacing the mud in my bouts with avocado puree, jut for the hell of it. It certainly seems to please the crowds, but it leaves me picking green goo, out of unmentionable places, for at least a week afterwards. Mostly causing my poor, long-suffering wife, to raise an unamused eyebrow at my antics.

8. Any traditions you do when you finish a book?

Yes, I sacrifice a virginal avocado, on altar of mud and avocado stones, in front of a select audience of pre-eminent Octopi. This is mainly to increase my standing within the Octopoid community. As you’re probably aware, octopi don’t read, so they have no clue about my literary reputation, they only know me as the short, strange guy who constantly gets his ass whupped in a big vat of puree. So, these rituals help me gain their respect a little more.

9. Where do you write? Quiet or music? I have a study at the bottom of the garden, that used to be a garage until we converted it. It’s full of thousands of books, and hundreds of spiders, who sometimes like to descend onto my keyboard, in the middle of the night, when I’m right in the middle of a particularly disturbing passage.

I sometimes write to music and I sometimes write in silence, it depends what I’m working on. If do write to music, it has to be something without lyrics. Like many writers, when I’m working on fiction, I like to use film scores, as these are composed specifically to support a narrative art form, and as such are really good for getting you in the right mood to write.

10. Anything you would change about your writing? I like to think that through the daily act of writing I am already changing it and growing as a writer. So if there is stuff I’m not satisfied with, I trust to the process to eventually fix it, and allow me to grow out of it. In fact the wonderful thing about being a writer is that, right up until the point of publication, if there is something you don’t like about your writing, you can always go back and change it, and even change it some more.

11. What is your dream? Famous writer?

Over the years, so many amazing writers have had such a profound and life changing effect on me, have written stories, essays and books that have meant to so much to me, that I can’t begin to list them all. They’ve totally changed the way I view the world, and my place in it. They have given me hope in dark times, joy in sad ones and entertainment in periods of unimaginable boredom.

My real dream, as a writer, is to be able to write something that will affect a reader in the same way, that will move them as I have been moved, so many times in the past. If I can give something back, like that, to even a handful of readers, then I will have fulfilled my dreams ten times over.

12. Where do you live?

Why Becky, don’t you already know? Isn’t that you at the bottom of my garden watching me through binoculars?

Wait, no… sorry, that’s my FBI handler, they’re easy to confuse with a stalker, but they’re usually a little more polite.

To go back to your question, I live in the small medieval town of Bradford on Avon, in the UK. It’s quite close to places like Stonehenge, Glastonbury and the Georgian city of Bath, only it’s less well-known, but no less beautiful. If you’ve ever read a novel by Jane Austen, or Thomas Hardy, you’ll have encountered the corner of the world in which I live. It hasn’t changed much in the preceding 200 years and you still can’t get a good broadband connection.

13. Pets?

Well we do have a couple of cats, and the disembodied spirit of a lobotomized gorilla hanging around our cottage. He was a bit unnerving at first, but we’ve taken to leaving out bowls of warm ectoplasm for him, and he’s actually become quite endearing. He even has his uses, such as scaring away Jehovah’s Witnesses and other door to door tradespeople.

14. What’s your favorite thing about writing? It’s that moment when the writing really begins to flow, when you sink fully into the world you’re exploring and time stands still. When the story itself takes over, when you hear the characters voices so clearly in your mind it’s as though they’re there in the room with you. When you’re as utterly surprised and delighted by your work as anyone else who is going to read it in the future. When it goes places you never foresaw, and reveals things you knew nothing about until you began to type it up. When your fingers can hardly keep up with all the words that are tumbling out of you.

Those are the moments we all live for as a writer.

15. What is coming next for you?

Hopefully the shambling hordes of the undead aren’t coming for me.

I have a new novella out, called Quiet Places, which is a story of cosmic folk horror with overtones of psychological horror, set in the wilds of the Scottish Highlands. Unusually for me, it’s an entirely bloodless affair that depends more on atmosphere and dark folk-lore. There is no sex, no violence, yet it is probably the most disturbing thing I’ve yet written.

You can grab a copy here: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Places-Novella-Cosmic-Horror/dp/1640074708

I also have a new graphic novel out as well, it’s called Parassassin and it’s a dark blend of sci-fi and horror. Politics, parody and paradox collide in a tale of time travel and attempted assassination.

It’s available here in the US: https://www.amazon.com/Parassassin-Jasper-Bark-ebook/dp/B074Y5NGPS

And here in the UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parassassin-Jasper-Bark-ebook/dp/B074Y5NGPS

Aside from that I have a novel and a novella due out next year, a lot of different anthology appearances. I also have a graphic novel starting on Comixology in 2018 and a couple of hush – hush projects, I’m going to allude to in an annoyingly vague way.

I am launching a new webcomic, called ‘Fear Fix’ on my website. It’s very much in the tradition of those classic black and white horror comics from the 60s, 70s and 80s, like Warren and Skywald, and also EC horror comics. Like those comics it has a horror host, but, in the tradition of Rod Serling, I am the host of the comic. It has some of the best artist from both mainstream and indie comics and it will be running monthly. You can read the first story – ‘The Bad Girl’s Guide to Making a Killing’ here

I’m also turbo charging my YouTube channel, with monthly updates, the first of which you can see here

And I have just launched a Patreon page, why not check it out and become a patron here You can connect with Jasper Bark here:

Here’s the link to my Patreon Page again: https://www.patreon.com/JasperBark

Here’s a link where you can get a free eBook, a free story and an exclusive video of my blooper reel, by signing up to my mailing list:

http://www.crystallakepub.com/jasperbark/

Really, you’d be foolish not to.

Some of Jasper Bark’s books:

Getting personal with Jasper Bark Jasper Bark is infectious - and there’s no known cure. If you’re reading this then you’re already at risk of contamination.

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