#you guys have stable and real jobs i really dont want to fucking hear about your problems

[troybarnesbucky]

I woke up and decided to analyze each 9-1-1 pairing with regards to timing and also buddie

I just woke up and all im gonna say right now is this: this is long-winded but basically it takes a look at all the relationships on 9-1-1 and compare the timing and level of intimacy to that of buck and eddie’s relationship. 

at the end of season 1 of 911 I remember watching and realizing they were gonna push the whole bobby and athena relationship, and I was surprised, because I didnt think there was any preamble or much hinting to it. but I guess it made sense to me - they were both single, both in the same social circle, they got along. sure, made sense. and then season 2 comes along and they’re smack dab in the middle of their relationship and we have zero time to adjust to it as an audience, but once again, we quickly did (mind you, I did not watch it live as intently as a fan would, but I do recall a lot of episodes because my mom watches the show and I remembered a lot when I was catching up myself). at this point bobby and athena are happily married and I really do love them together, genuinely.

then, maddie comes along and there’s a bit more to the story. she has a lot going on, a lot she’s been through and we spend much of her first season getting to know her and watching her confront her past and create her own present. chimney had a bit of a rough start with relationships (.... tatiana, sorry love, but you could’ve had it all sis). her and chimney start out as friends but it’s very clear from their blossoming friendship that the writers intend for us to want a relationship for them, and we DO. because theyre adorable together and genuinely have so much chemistry and they’re good for one another. it’s a bit of a slowburn but we get there eventually, so much so that in the season 3 finale, we find out maddie is pregnant! which yes, did make me cry shut up. 

hen and karen had a rough start. even if they did look happy, they went through a ton of shit in the first and second season, especially the first season. which is fair; hen cheated on karen, and a large part of her storyline revolved around her ex and having to fight for denny. but there’s so much love between them, and a heavy history that is palpable through the screen. by the time season 2 comes around, they are a bit more grounded, and more so by the time season 3, too. it was interesting to think about their relationship is comparison to the others, which we watched blossom in real time. especially in season 3, because we see their love and support of one another during their attempt to have another child, and yes I also did cry when they met nia for the first time and no I will not elaborate. hen also went through a lot of shit this season; karen, despite what she went through, was and continues to be super wonderful and supportive, if a bit wary (but its okay because drunk karen and chim was a gift and we were well fed) for a second. their relationship is everything and also karen carries the whole show’s sense of humor on her back, I said what I said. 

then we have three more main relationships: michael and athena’s, which is over in episode 1; buck and abby (im not counting ali because genuinely she was in three episodes, im only looking at the main relationships for each character), which starts and ends in season 1; and eddie and shannon, which technically starts before season 1 and kinda ends in season 2 but then she dies. 

personally I dont think there’s much to add about michael and athena’s relationship. firstly, michael is a doll and if they hurt him in season 4 I will riot. but more so, the show gave us a LOT to work with in terms of their past relationship. also, it was interesting as a viewer, to learn about them from the bottom up. we see the tail-end of their romantic relationship and watch it get replaced with a genuine love and care for each other and their family. it’s a stark contrast to what a lot of shows on television would go for; it has a bit of rough, bumpy start, but by midway through season 2, they’re both on steady ground in terms of personal family life, and it’s actually a breath of fresh air. their dynamic is heavily surrounded by love for family, and we love love love that. 

I think with abby and buck we all liked it a little, at the start. buck was sweet to her and we see a change in attitude and an effort from buck that is clear to have never been made before. abby is also a pretty admirable character; she takes care of her mother, is incredible at her job as a dispatcher, and she struggles with maintaining personal relationships but still gives it a go with buck. and buck, from the start to end of the season, grows a lot, both independently from and surrounding their relationship. as a viewer I watched the show way later on, so I knew abby was leaving and honestly, I really did like her and their chemistry. as we go into season 2, we have buck, who is still living in abby’s place, and then the introduction of eddie.

so here’s the thing; this is where I was trying to get to. the show (the writers) made and continue to make interesting character and relationship choices. with eddie and shannon, there is a very clear closeness and chemistry between them that yes, does get revamped for a little. there is also history, which is very important and can’t be disregarded. but more than anything, we are looking at timing in this meta. eddie comes along in season 2 and there are a lot of things happening: hen and karen are getting back to normal, athena and bobby are suddenly dating, buck and abby are - despite what buck thinks - very over, and chim is single and ready to pringle, plus maddie is new and freshly separated from d*ug. as we go through season 2, we see development with athena and bobby, very clearly on their way to a stable relationship and marriage. hen and karen are working through things, we don't really doubt their relationship either. both maddie and chimney are single, and they become friends, and we very quickly, as viewers, realize where the writers are taking us and what they want us to think. 

so now im gonna get on my clown shit when I talk about buck and eddie. specifically, regarding the writers and their timing and why I think they’re either really stupid or actually very smart.

listen, everyone loves slowburn. hell, I'm writing a buddie au that will probably end up being like, upwards of 80k words and it’s gonna be a slowburn. buck, at the beginning of season 2, is in denial. im not gonna go through details but I will say that like..... okay, he’s heartbroken and thats fair. eddie, through means of “what a man,” is introduced and within one fell swoop, buck is immediately jealous and then like, twenty four hours later, they’re besties. tea. totally fair. in terms of timing, especially regarding relationships, there really aren’t many things to note: buck goes through that weird thing with taylor kelly, eddie goes through his drama with shannon, and when shannon wants a divorce, it kinda all goes to shit. by the end of season 2, we have buck trying to move on (and also nearly dying by means of a firetruck but thats not my point but also writers wtf) and dating ali (guys how do you spell her name lol) while eddie deals with the aftermath of his (ex, technically but I don't know if its mean to say that) wife. there are more than a few moments between buck and eddie that hint to a potential romance and feelings, like the santa scene and multiple others. then, season 3 is very very interesting. 

buck and ally(? seriously I don't know) are broken up, eddie is focused on christopher and actually, also buck, and then the tsunami happens. there is also not much going on in terms of other relationships on the show; maddie and chim get their shit together while also having a crazy season starting and ending with talking about having kids with a brief intermission of “I cant say I love you” and nearly dying on both parts and albert appears lol (and then disappears, too?? wtf). athena and bobby are pretty cool, hen and karen are trying for kids and hen wants to be a doctor. we have some others, like josh, who go through too much shit for my liking and deserve better, and michael, who...... deserves the world. 

okay. cleared that up. but timing-wise, if we look at the writers and their regard for timing, then we see this: any time two characters are single and there’s an ounce of friendship even hinted, they end up together. fine, that’s fair to say because we’ve seen it, right? after the tsunami, which is a WHOLE OTHER thing im not getting into, we have the lawsuit, eddie fighting, lena bosko (yall can be mad but she was hella cool), hen killing that cello (I think) player, michael getting sick, wow this season was fucking insane holy shit.

but in terms of character relationships and timing, a lot goes on with buck and eddie. in this one season alone, we go from eddie being the first one to hug buck at his surprise party and christopher giving buck a card with “bff” on it, then buck almost dies (again) and eddie is, quite frankly, the only one who takes no crap from him after he quits and then the tsunami and buck literally tearing himself apart to find his best friend’s son and collapsing at the sight of them reunited and then “there’s no one I trust more with my son than you” (is that the quote, I don't know it by heart) and THEN heart eyes, and then the lawsuit and supermarket and “you’re exhausting” and “christopher misses you” and “I couldn't even call you to bail me outta jail” and then the “I’m hearing a lotta ‘I’s, buck” and “I forgive you” and then the Infamous Kitchen Scene and me endlessly screaming WHY WAS BUCK’S HAND ON HIS BELT LIKE THAT? but also very pointedly I will say eddie fighting specifically when he can’t talk to buck and then it stops around the time he can hmmmmm. and also “this is eddie’s house im not really a guest here” then the fuckaifajfgkjfglgakjdgag tunnel collapsing and buck literally, once again tearing himself and everything apart for a diaz, digging with his bare hands and the defeated look on his face and refusing to think about eddie dying and eddie very nearly dying but then recalling christopher, his family, buck, then christopher and buck, then christopher and buck again, then a rare shannon appears, and then it’s just-

okay. OKay. O K AY. ok. here’s what I think. either the writers are incredibly smart or just viciously stupid, or the third, lesser liked option, they know what they’re doing and don’t give two shits. they are sitting on, and quite frankly they have created, a fucking goldmine. but in terms of timing, and relationship choices, we have eddie and anna(?) as a brief thing that will either reappear in season 4 or never be touched again, then abby’s lame-ass apology that was just her attempting to justify her actions by claiming she simply just should’ve told buck sooner. but a lot of this season explores buck’s loneliness, and in a way, too, eddie’s. 

yes, eddie has christopher, and the others? they have families and significant others. buck has no one (except maddie but you get my point) to go home to. I think, in terms of timing and thematic elements, this season took the time to explore the loneliness of two men, but also by doing so, only high-lighted their need for one another, their love for one another. in the past, that has lead to two couples getting together: athena and bobby, and chimney and maddie. 

so, my point is, season 4 is the make it or break it point. we got (weak-ass) closure with abby, eddie’s anger and regret with shannon (and yes, christopher), an exploration of both of their loneliness, and a very, very clear rocket launch of their closeness and dependence on one another, in season 3. it started with a lot and ended with closure on all extraneous factors that could have possibly deterred the two of them from a potential relationship. more so, abby is getting married and buck has no choice but to move on; he may not have loved her anymore but he needed the closure (and no I do not think it was good enough and I think buck deserved more but that’s not my point).

this can’t be read that much into. it’s not subtle, it’s not subtext. it’s very clearly there on our screens, with every small or big line. they mean a lot to each other. anyone with eyes can say that, has to say that. the problem is, what’s the intention? like, are the writers actually doing what I've just said, setting up for a slowburn, taking it season by season. you can look at it that way, and it actually doesnt take a lot to get to that point of a thought process. there is a HUGE, fundamental shift in buck and eddie’s relationship in season 3. there is a perceived difference in their friendship versus both their relationship with others and the friendship between others. denny doesn’t call chimney his best friend, “his chimney.” athena has never once told hen she trusts her children with her more than anyone in the world. 

there are a lot of interesting choices that have been made over the course of three season, particularly this past season. there are also a lot of possibilities for the upcoming season. we may see a return of that teacher, we might see buck fall into other women, we may see eddie not fully over shannon, or (hopefully not) an abby return. it’s just a matter of waiting, but there’s no denying the way things were left off; buck and eddie were both single throughout the entirety of season 3, considerably closer and not guests at each other’s place, both very lonely in spite of the people around them, closer to each other than the rest of the 118, both have a family member (or more than one for eddie) to keep them anchored. buck is, yes, more lonely, but they are both left off in the same place. my question, more than anything, is whether it’s intentional after all that’s said and done. and if it’s not, then why, pray tell, are the writers following their OWN very clear and self-fulfilled pattern of timing and relationships to an even stronger extent than they ever have? 

#buddie #911 meta #9-1-1 #911 on fox #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck x eddie #chimney han #maddie buckley #bobby nash #athena grant #henrietta wilson #karen wilson #michael grant #long post #but yeah #this is my thought process

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P

#its literally going on 5am as i finish this #im so sorry if this is shit hsfhfnsjkf #im not what they call a writer #but i do love to talk abt things like astrology and my fave characters sjjffj

[metamorphosingbrick]

One last time

st He is back and i have no clue whow to deal with the vaccum. I have no feelings but my heart starts beating really fast. I dont want to care to be honest but the truth cannot be denied. It feels awfully bad to not have what you desire and that person living under the same roof. 

This is probably the last time i will mention anyone, anything- I will probably stay silent. Choose to stay quiet in the lot and be on my own. I want to be the girl i was who when someone ignored, went right upto them to remind them that I gnore your more than he ignored me. 

I wish to be the fearless girl who once in office just knew that every problem has a solution and it cannot be justified if someone did not come up with one. Live is much difficult around here to give two fucks to be honest. 

I want to validate every thought but not with you anymore. I have greater things to do and more important things to take care of. So, i am going to just study and get done with my part of the job. The main idea is to not lose focus and concentrate as much as possible in my life. 

We all fall apart but giving up is not an option. We don’t give up on situations because every problem has a solution. Studies are better than exam - they love you if you love them dearly. Better than cigarettes which does not ruin your health or wealth. You say no to them and a no means no. Anxiety or no anxiety, it does not make sense if one has to deliver eveything by themselves. Every task on this face of earth is doable. 

Except making a person love you or care for you. Stay silent and that’s all which can be regarded. Just shut yourself down and you’ll know how many things you notice and observe 

We cannot take into account the beauty of concealing the scars. What we can regard as important is the emrgence of understanding the dept of the wound and how things can be responded in accordnace to that. The wounds will be lovely in the skin, a gush of invisible blood - pouring into the ears of people. It is the expectation and desire of human which makes a person hover over the flat surface and cry out loud for the point it is required to make. The dramatic dilemma added into the soil can be understood wth the tears flushed down the drain. 

This is a situation i cannot run over in my head but simply behave with the flow. The love is incurable disease which once entered our heart - it shuts logic down. It becomes inexplicable to the people in front with the idea of incurabiliy and no ray of hope or no light in the end of the tunnel. We can rejoice with the choices made over the past or just accept the incurability of the situation. It is a virus which runs through our blood and probably an external blow of injection can cure the disease. The crying or leaking your feelings over others will make things worst. This year has already taught me so many lessons, it becomes a beautiful journey in itself to enjoy and ponder on. 

Starting from the new year’s eve, the night where i wrapped myself with a human who was no stranger to my heartbeats and enjoyed the power he had over me. The fun and frolic a person feels when they have the other perosn over their impression is a beautiful feeling. I know because i am no starnber to the spell myself. It’s an unconscious thing. Trying ot handle every part of my asisgnment which coudl not be caotured in the rear view of the situation but alas, i lost the hope and faith. But from 16th I reconquered myself with the amount of life i need to breathe in a few justification of success. A thridt to prve myself my value and if i see a hollistic view, the pang and animosity will take me noweher but breaking the jedgements of peopel and the fun of tastig success will be my endeavour. I will recapture every battle i lose wih the grace of god and balance my life the way i want it to go. Not wasting more than 10 minutes talking. Not bothering about anybdy exceot the people i really care aboutlike my family. Not talking and wasting time over love and bullshit. There is no thing as love. What someone said recently to me, was the idea of being emotionally stable which is important. If someone can be logical and practical in controlling their emotions- they win the battles in life and rule the world. When i pass this course, i will rule over the world and enjoy my life to the fullest like everyday is my last. 

The most achieveable things is what you dream and if you can dream it, you can do it. Finishing everyday goals through taking action and making the world a better place by contributing your ideas for betterment. I know no guy will be with me until i learn to be with myself. At that time i was ready to be with myself hence somoene could love me. I was willing to help through the process to myself and heart break was not a big deal to run through. 

You see yourself, 5 years down the line. I can see a heart broken girl who has hidden her feelings and emotions inside her files and papers. A very cynical individual who does not beleieve in stopping the wheel, who believes in breaking the wheel and asking people to run behind her in every sense. People will treat ourselves as we treat us, if i treat myself with repsect - people will do the same. If i am all work and no play then they will take me serously, how difficult is it, to make things different without context. One thing i have learnt firstly in this house more because of steoehn is how to ignore things whenever possible. Ignoring people followed by ignoring the person’s feelings. But no more, i will treat myself according to the time gifted to me by the universe. Utilise every bit of it and relish the ideas to make myself a better human my parents would be proud of. It’s true when maa said that when things go wrong, they blame the mothers and daughters themselves. Each day i will remind myself of all teh sufferings i went through to be a part of this universe. the anxiety and horror of the situation which i faced just to emerge enlightened and loved by myself. I will commit from today onwards to my books and career because it wont wake up one morning and say i dont like you like that anymore or god wanted this to happened and leave. I will have a stable guy who i dont love and be independent of all the needs and desires. 

From today onwards, i will talk less and less possible and work more and more as i advance. No give a shit about what people feel and just do my work like laying the brick mostly perfectly as a brick can be laid. The watch is the time keeper which will witness my chnage and sing with joy in every success melody. I will talk more logical and insightfully by doing homeowrk and keeping lists.

The world is there to eatch you and not punish you. Just the humans are not believeable and not worth spending time about. My phone and anxiety will be doble tapped to knock out. The peron beside me will hear no voice of mine untill - he or she thins i am intimidating. The world would be a different place and I would be a different perosn. The one who just talks when required and every word would make more sense to everyone that they will quote me. That is how i want to be, knwoledgeable and bold, Who cannot be hurt or bend over to have fun with or bullied to the point where she shuts and reflects on her decisions. There will be no advancement in the issues anymore and everything i say will be taken seriously with the idea that my words add value to the world. Be it James or Stephen, nobody can come cose to the idea because i wont be scraed or timid or expressive anymore but bold, fearless and unapproachable. We all change and become the humans we were destined to be, I will be the same and i will be successful in everything i touch because i will lay the brick as perfectly a brick can be laid to build the wall around me to not let people see my emotions.I will be that person quite soon. We come into the world with a purpose, when someone is earning money, nobody cares to ask the rank because its evident that money is equal to a high rank. I will recah that rank very soon and accomplish what i have came here to accomplish. In the coming months, I will talk less without emotions getting involved, pull my guards up and not talk that i will regret and stay away from Stephen. laugh and smile less to the point where people see a serious face. The interesting thing wil always be how people thought i was the fool who understood nothing but i will turn out to be the branie. Yes, this reuqires practise but learning the hard way - we change ourseleves and becime who we were destined to become. No talkings and not caring what they say about you - we are the real deal. I can visualise my tomorrow starting to end the Agile framework by 3 and lseeping till 7 am to wake up and go for a run for 15 mins and yoga for 10 minutes with stretch and surya namaskar - this goes with a bath and then leaving for college to work on the case study. I will discuss and put forward right points to the meeting and make james think and go yes. I will conquer tomorrow’s discussion. Post meeting i will start off iwth the 5th and 6th prt of agile by 4pm. Sit with Shalu from 4 to 6 to start my campaign on marketing for movies. Make a logo and download adobe to create an instagram channel talking weekly themes and genres and wriitng how it could have been marketed differently. How movie marketing can be started off with the blend of digital media and outdoor campaigns. best of movie outdoor campaigns- best ambient movie ad- how can you apply it too ypur shirt documentary - collab with documentary. Then come back home to read the questions and answers to explore the qestions in the website. This can be followed by reading up all the questions and answers in the leaflet to understand the frameworks and agile techniques again. tomorrow i wont be clulesless and thisis exactly how the day wil go and I will learn to do smart work. this would make me regret less about my existence as i am in control of every frame of the situation. Love the way you can behave and make things better ofr good of the people. DOnt forget to eat fruits and not smoke and pray to god for such a life. You are talented and gifted but the actions you atke now, the future self will be proud of you. Beautiful in every way possible. Love you and love your ideas. Talk less, remember to control your emotions and not react to everything. You protect yourself and if you mean no harm to anyone then yes, you should not feel bad about anything. I love you a lot 

[thedisasterhasarrived]

A Short Story Of How She Met Her Best Friend

Alright. The other day, I was just laying in my bed. The lights were off, and I was in the middle of yet another existential crisis. Here I was, just gradually losing all concepts of reality, sinking into an eternal abyss.

There I was, in a ninja state, consumed by my downward spiral, when all of a sudden, my phone scared the holy spirit out of me, by ringing as loudly as possible.

You may be thinking, that's not so bad. But, being me, I rolled off my bed onto the hard floor, tangled in my blankets, and ended up getting my hair caught in my earbuds that I had lying next to me, by my phone. Perfect, right?

And so I very aggressively answered the phone politely with a whisper, saying, "Hello, how may I help you?"

I guess all of that training in Mc Donald's earning money for college was finally starting to take effect.

I hadn't even seen the caller ID, but as soon as I heard the voice I knew who it was.

My best friend, possibly only friend, Cade. That's actually his middle name, but he refuses to tell me his first to this day.

So, being himself, Cade replied to me with a very cautious, "I don't have time for your social awkwardness right now, I need your opinion on something."

Really sweet guy, Cade is. A real teddy bear.

But in all honestly, Cade is the literal light of my life. Being an only child, Cade was basically a miracle from Heaven. Though, Cade's family believes in this weird religion that requires some weird shit. Like, I'll just be hanging out with him in my room, and then he will jump up, yell something about Oh Styx, and disappear for a few minutes. He will then reappear covered in golden glitter. Weird, as I said before.

So, I don't know if I told you this before, but in my little time here, we are going to be talking about Cade.

Moving onwards, I said Cade is really nice. But, in all honestly, he's the most antisocial pessimistic hypocrite you've ever met.

I'm going to tell you how I met Cade. Sound cool? No. I told all of my family a different story. Something I created to satisfy their questions.

This is the first time I'm ever going to tell the truth.

So, I lived in an apartment building, with my two lovely parents. I didnt have any friends. School was hell. I was bullied because I was and currently am, Asexual. I like people, but I don't really want sex. Like, at all.

Anyways, I'm going to share this secret for the first time. In this story I was 15. I am 16 now, and Cade was 14, currently 15. At the time of our first meeting.. I was not mentally stable. I was depressed and suicidal.

I finally gave up. I was ready to die.

I was up at the top of our apartment building, which is a few stories high. It was a tall building. So I was standing on the edge, about to end it all. I was crying, obviously, and there was only a little breeze. I was swaying, as if I would magically die standing still. Dont get me wrong, I wanted to die. I wanted to jump. But how do you say, I choose this second to jump. All it would take is one tiny step. I would fall through the air and then splat. No more me. I was frozen. How do you pick the one second to say, oh, this is a good time to die.

So, there I was. Then, out of the blue, I heard a voice speak behind me. "What are you doing?"

I of course, spun around and almost fell to my death. My stomach flipped and I tripped back onto the gravel roof.

I looked up and saw a skinny emo teenager. He looked tired. And disappointed.

I felt confused.

He spoke again, saying, "What are you doing, you idiot? Are you serious? I don't have time for this."

I, being the depressed yet feisty woman I was, kind of felt offended. Who is this dick head to chastise me as if I was I was himself sitting at the dinner table trying to figure out the last problem on his calculus homework.

I glared at him, and smartly said, "Excuse me?"

He then sighed and punched his nose.

He proceeded to ask me questions.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?"

I nod.

"Are you going to kill yourself?"

I nod.

"Are you going to jump off of this building?"

I nod.

He sighed.

I was trying to hide my shaky hands, and wiped my ruined make up. I was crying, guys, and do you know what happens when you wear mascara and cry? It streaks down your face like black sharpie.

"I have to stop you, now. You know that right?" He glared at me as if I was a minor inconvenience. A rock in his shoe.

Fuck that guy, I thought.

I made a show of standing up and getting back up on the ledge. I was again felt the crippling terror of staring downwards.

I heard him walk over to me. Then he was standing next to me.

I knew what he was doing. He was going to say if I jumped he would jump too. I voiced this accusation, and he laughed.

"Well, yeah. But I don't really mind. I don't really want to be alive right now either. I'm just floating through life. I have no purpose or reason to live."

I felt aggravated at him. This guy sucks. Whatever.

And I thought, fuck it, I am going to die tonight, I domt care if he dies with me.

So I stretched my legs for a minute, balancing precariously on the edge, getting ready to jump. Stalling I know. But who cares.

So, I counted down from 10.

10. Beathe in.

9. Breathe out.

8. Breathe in.

7. Breathe out.

6. Breathe in.

5. Breathe out.

4. Breath in.

3. Breath out.

2. Breathe in.

1-

"I have a family waiting at home for me."

His words shocked me into standing still. I was so close.

"I have a twin brother. His name is Austin, and if I die, he is never going to get to see me again. He saw me this morning at breakfast. The last thing he said to me was, bye. Love you. That means if I die right now, he will never see me again. I will disappear off of the face of the earth. He will never hear me ask him for help with English homework again. I have two dads too. One is gay, the other is bi. The bi one is named Liam. He is a doctor. He loves his job, saving people. But, imagine his inner pain at not being able to save his own son. How does that make you feel? My other Dad is named Nicky. He lost his mother at a really young age, his father didn't care about him for a long time. He only had his older sister. Her name was Tay. She then abandoned him as soon as they got a new home with a different family. He was staying at a foster home. She got the choice of staying with him or going off to an all girl's school. His sister left him by himself at age ten. She then died not even a week later, in a freak accident. He was completely alone in the world for a few years. He also went into a lot of other shit just like that, going through hell, literally. After all of that, everything finally went right for him. He is happily married, with a sister, and he has two children whom he adores. Do you really want to put him through more? He already had a bad life. Do you want to ruin all that he earned through unknown pain and self hatred?" Cade ranted for a few minutes.

Damn him! How can I ruin his family's lives? Fuck! FUCK!

We stand ins silence for a long time, and I decide to just quit. I get off of the side of the building and walk back to the stairs. Another time, I guess.

Cade follows me. As I am about to walk down, leaving him forever, he gives me his number.

"Call me."

The only words we have spoken to each other since his speech.

And that, my friends, is how I met Cade.

[itsfullofair]

so my artwork is torn to shreds by two adderall addicts who if you ever think about them well if I ever think about them I can feel them astral breathing in my skull because they try so hard to moan and fuck in my pineal gland to sound cool because of my brain parasites like these people are judging my artwork and they are demanding that I post the blood work proving that I have a brain infection while they continue to FUCK MY BODY AND MOAN IN MY SOUL AND MAKE FUN OF ME AND REFERENCE GAIL THE SNAIL WHEN THEY THINK ABOUT ME WHILE I KNOW FOR A FACT THE GUY HAD A CRUSH ON ME THAT HE WAS NEVER WILLING TO ADMIT BECAUSE I WASNT PRETTY OR SMART ENOUGH FOR HIM. THESE ARE REAL ENCOUNTERS RELATIONSHIPS THOUGHTS AND MOMENTS IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! THIS ISNT A STAND ALONE RANDOM LIFE THIS HAPPENS EVERYDAY EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!! AND THERES SHOOTERS EVERYWHERE TENSIONS ARE SO FUCKING HIGH BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE SO MOTHER FUCKING SHALLOW!!!!!!!! i have been using twitter and other accounts to try my best as a disorganized schizophrenic to get people together to spread these ideas and messages and to just get help because I need it like, personally, and everyone would rather just ignore me and take what they please with what I said like one supportive idea for their friend and fuck the rest of it like this is really fucking upsetting to live with I CAN HEAR SO MANY OF YOU JUST LISTENING TO THIS CHICK ON MY SOUL AND HER BOYFRIEND BOTH ON ADDERALL AND I THINK WITH STILL A COKE ADDICTION THAT THEY WILL LOSE THEIR MINDS OVER IF YOU BRING UP BECAUSE THEY HAVE STABLE JOBS AND LIVES AND ITS NOT A PROBLEM, ME I’M THE PROBLEM!! THIS IS REALLY A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC!!!!!!!! Like thinking your neighbors all hate you and want to get you is a phase I went through but it was only about a year or so of learning how to balance my soul with the void so I  could stay calm and interpenetrate what I was receiving correctly. Now I know most people dont just blindly hate me but THIS COUPLE HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS COUPLE!!! AND LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO LIKE NOT SAY THIS??? NOT MENTION PEOPLE DO THIS ASTRALLY???? 

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

period orrr

march 18, 2018

big apple, lil shuco

I am experiencing tremendous moods on this period. It is so hard to distinguish if they are real of if they are just maximized due to mother nature. Today i have felt nothing but sadness and a strong desire to give up and call it a day. I definitely snowball my feelings and its for good reason, i feel in the same place from last, having to hide what I actually feel in fears of being criticized and minimized. All i want to be is acknowledged, I don’t need to be right or wrong just simply acknowledged that i have feelings and emotions. I also realized that it doesnt feel right. It doesnt feel right that I am constantly inventing plan b in my head because I feel the ground under me can be swept up at any moment. I dont feel secure in any aspects of this relationship, i dont feel emotionally secure or financially secure, here are a few examples of plan b (while we are at it)

-b) keep pennies ready to find sublet in ny for the summer, put deposit down, land job, land nu nu PAID internship, begin marketing self and finding new marks. be frugal, save stack, and get ready for a rough and new patch. 

-b) break up and change phone number and procede w plan b numero uno

-c) dont go to la and dont talk to him for the rest of my life and change number

-b) stay in ny, i think is an accurate portrayal of plan b, there is more opportunity here and distraction than nashville could ever give. I understand that i coudlnt run away from the consequences of my feelings and that could make it a tough transition into a new life in a new city. 

whatever. anyways im feeling like I want out and through and through its becoming clear to me he isnt the one for me and hes also not exactly what I want for myself or for life. I guess i have been misleading myself into beleiving what society wants me to beleve and primarily what s wants me to believe, that love is love and love is this and it is that, and it is the most highest, most purest concept, and that bc i am a girl, i want love and bc of that when someone says they love me or claim theyre actions reflect love, i must adhere and adopt this conept as my own. and unfortunately, i never wanted love, i dont care for it, i want coins- not love. I dont feel anything when it comes to love, i merely understand it as a concept, and to my understanding again, its like a trap. Romantic Love equals too many things to be adopted in as my own, it means being selfless, it means sacrificing, it means constantly compromising, it means talking to someone about a decision (permission), it means settling for what is given. 

I am not down, I really am not. Everything provided for me I am thankful for but tbh i dont need shawn to pay my bills or get my pennies up, but I guess he needs me so he doest feel so lonely or miserable about his existence. In a way, he is a dull star merely shining from light years away, while I am a cosmo twinkling as bright as the sun throughout the vast depths of the solar system .. but i am getting drained of my shine and i dont like it. 

i can work but not under these circumstances, and i know people are critics of wanting the perfect circumstances as being unrealistic or unfeasible to my generation or age, but when else will anything be at an arms length. It is feasible and realistic bc i work for it and believe it can happen. 

 and people say relationships aren't easy but worth it? WHERE SWAY and how and for why for the sake of a societal institution called love, for prison? In this expose it has been exposed I might be emotionally under developed or quiete the opposite, emotionally over developed. 

i daydream about cheating, i think about just moving on and changing my phone number. I think confrontation is obviously the biggest challenge i have here. but in a weird and oposing twist of events, i have mislead myself into believing i have morals and righteous character by not allowing myself to cheat, but the truth is i care bc it would make me look like a salty bitch trying to get back at someone, or thats how i would look to myself i guess. 

I am just over it, i am beigging to have little tolerance for this and no longer want to be in this no matter if it means going to europe or traveling bc i can do that my damn self. ookay/ also I am a hoe at heart, i like flirting with guys and getting to see what they can do for me, i also like being out and about on the scene, i like being a whore and working for my money, i like being in the company of older wealtheir folk, i like the surroundings, i like learning, and i dont like being all that stable, i like having friends. I like being a smart thot, i like being that bitch, beauty n brains and thats that. 

in light of these thoughts, here are some of the most annoying things this week: 

- “young hot girls”,whatever right? yeah except it really does bother me,why bc of the circumstances we met in its almost like being disrespectful of me or our progress and reminding me that i am replaceable. putting himself on a pedestal of desire, thats cool expect we are trying to get past that and it seems he is ever so obsessed with these stories, and the mere idea that this is him inflates his ego. its just greasy n disrespectful. you dont here me constantly talking about wealthy old men and they this and they that. my disgust turns into anger and the anger turns into a sort of vengeance, i imagine myself being a hoe again and going out taking advantage of men in turn stacking bands and exploiting the young hot girl phenomena but not with him, bc hes gross. 

-my way or no way. Pouty pout pout. how fucking old are we, I think i am constantly taking care of people in very twisted ways. Literally he has been acting like a teen age boy, emotionally underdeveloped from years ago, he can throw temper tantrums about this or that and i listen, i look to see what i do wrong and i change..maybe not all the time but for the most part, i havent asked for anything since our conversation and i also havent brought up or complained about any sort of travel. I must be the perfect stepford gf and never complain about anything..noo i must only be thankful and grateful that somehow in nashville this godly man was given to me and i must take care of him and obey him for another man will never come my way and omg they will NEVER EVER provide for me like he does and omg they will never ever ever evr care for me, and I will always just be a hole to men, so i must keep this one happy and i am lost without him, i dont do well on my own. I must have the direction of this omg man that was sent down from the heavens, a once in a lifetime chance at anything and this is the pinnacle of my life and omg HAAA. right. 

-not being listened to. I dont know wht the hell i have to do around here to be fucking acknowledged as a whole ass human, cool you keep me fed or clothed but not really actually now that i think about it. i cant compalin about shit without being made feel like shit. I cant get a fucking word in without being argued against, i can barely get through half an idea before i start hearing why my logic is wrong. if i was to express that i am utterly disrepected and disgusted when he mentions the phrase young hot girls, im deemed irrational, jelouse and that its just a joke, that i am too sensitive and take things too personally, that its not real until i hear it again. im just taken for a joke in this relationship its liek i dont really even exist and for what? for what? for fun trips that i only get to enjoy with this person i dislike, for a few coins in the bank? I can do all of this shit by my self, i can! If something doesnt give I am out, i no longer have the energy to be carried around only to be unacknowlded and barked at. and of course, if he was to read this it would be a “false narrative I invented“ 

men r so predictable

anywyas im gonna write my paper now.

#dummies outchea longhairdontcare