#yes they seem emotionless but it’s because they’re at their job and people rely on them being factual

[iaintyourbro]

Shipping Makes Me Question My Sanity

I learned about the FFVII waifu wars after playing the remake. I played the OG many moons ago, replayed it a few years ago, but really got interested in the character dynamics after playing FFVIIR. 

I foolishly looked up “Is the remake pushing Cloud and Tifa more?” I found the shipping wars... That I never knew existed. 

You see, I played the OG and it was pretty clear to me that the story went a certain way. In fact, I didn’t even associate FFVII to romance. 

FFVII was a story about a villain who was pissed off that a grunt killed him, so he finds a way to come back from the dead through clones that his father made to fuck with said grunt and get revenge on all the humans that wronged his Mother. 

(This is my explanation in as few words as possible, because we all know explaining FFVII would take multiple posts). 

So why did I look up my question about Cloud and Tifa? Well, I was shocked at how they presented them. I didn’t remember this from the OG. Like I said, I didn’t associate FFVII to romance like I did with VIII, IX, and X. Those were clear. FFVII didn’t have this as a main theme. FFVIIR created extreme sexual tension between Cloud and Tifa. 

I remember when you finally found out Cloud wasn’t a SOLDIER, that he actually DID kill Sephiroth 5 years ago, and that he did come to save Tifa - he fulfilled his promise. The part when the main theme plays and he takes his helmet off... chills. Even now, I love that part. Still, I associated this with us finally getting answers to some of the weird shit that happens earlier in the game. And I was way too young and dense to understand the Under the Highwind scene. 

Needless to say, I wanted to see if others had the same impression. It seems they did, and those posts were then overpowered by the other side. “Yeah, I used to ship Cloti, but the remake made me see that it’s clearly Aerith.” What? What did I miss? 

So I questioned my sanity a bit. I played every quest - I did both Tifa and Aerith’s discovery quests. Until the point we get back to Tifa in Wall Market, I still was kind of iffy on how they were presenting Aerith and Cloud. They removed a lot of stuff from the OG that was a bit more direct from Cloud’s end. They also removed a lot of the jealousy scenes between Tifa and Aerith. Seems they gave all the jealousy to Cloud in other scenes. 

Cloud clearly is soft with Tifa. He remembers The Promise, he calls her beautiful, you have no choice but to give her the flower. No matter what choices you make with Aerith. He still gives her the flower. He gets jealous whenever he even thinks a guy is talking about her in a romantic/sexual way.

Then I see things like “Cloud was so emotionless and mean until Chapter 8″. HOW? And this goes beyond Tifa. Cloud had a ton of character growth during the first 3 chapters, and it continued on until Chapter 8. This was not something where he suddenly turned nice to Aerith. He had a ton of people help him out before.

Take Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. Cloud was a dick to them. I mean, he really was. I was sad for Wedge, cuz I think he’s so nice, and Cloud was just mean to him. By the end of Chapter 4, he’s much nicer to them. He’s left out of their celebration, and I think maybe this was a reference to him as a child. He thought he was better than the other kids (except Tifa). He treated everybody like shit (except Tifa) in the first three chapters and Barret told him to gtfo. 

Jessie made sure to let him know she wanted him there. Now, I’m not a fan of how thirsty Jessie is. I mean they REALLY slam it on you how bad she wants to get with Cloud. Cloud then says what I was thinking “Are you seriously that desperate?!” Yes, she is, and it’s obnoxious, but I think it’s a hilarious addition to the story. However, I think it was a light bulb moment that he would be included if he was a bit nicer to people.

Cloud and Barret start getting along more as time goes on as well. This is all before Chapter 8. So I actually have commented on these posts... “Did you play the first 7 chapters? Did you play the rest of the game?” There’s so many points during FFVIIR where Cloud clearly has character development outside of what Tifa and Aerith do. 

They ignore this. That’s my issue. The ignore everything else in the story. They ignore reality, so that makes people like me question themselves.

It reminds me of a personal situation with my job. We had a really bad leader. Like, cruel, mean. And he got away with it for a long time. You can say, “just leave”, but I think anybody with a family knows that’s not as easy as it sounds. Not when you rely on your job for not only income, but benefits, retirement, and stability. Not when changing buildings causes months of legit mental breakdowns (imagine changing companies completely?). So, it wasn’t really an option.

The worst part during all of that was knowing and seeing the reality of what was going on and having people flat out try to tell me that what I was seeing wasn’t true. I had conversations with other co-workers who started to question their sanity. Is it us? Are we the problem? Are we wrong? What are we missing? And that’s tough, especially when it goes on for so long.

In the real life example, there was a resolution earlier this year, where finally the guy was fired. And a lot of people were fighting him. More than you’d think. But they were scared, so they had to be careful. This is real life, not a game, so the stakes were much higher. The truth all comes out after this type of thing, and it was actually worse than we thought. There was a lot we missed, and a lot we just weren’t aware of. We weren’t crazy - there was just a group of his followers trying to brainwash us in to thinking he was great. 

The shipping wars give me the same feelings I had during that. I question my sanity and don’t get what I’m missing. This is beyond how you interpret the LTD. This is legit ignoring parts of the story as it’s presented. SE put these Cloti moments throughout the Remake to make a point. They have Aerith say things to make a point. They even have Aerith stop making moves on Cloud after Tifa comes back and she sees the obvious “thing” between them.

There are tons of analysis on multiple scenes and how Cloud reacts. Facial expressions tell a lot, so does voice acting. There are reasons they put these scenes in. There are reasons they are part of the main story and not part of side quests. There are reasons that the devs responded the way they did in interviews. 

The Ultimania clearly talks about Cloud’s feelings. The OG talks about them. 

So why do I still feel upset when I see these? Well, for one, the posters that say “I was a Cloti until..” in most cases are probably shipping the other side, but this is a great way to make people question themselves. It may make new fans not enjoy the story as much.

Then you have Twitter. And it’s a shame, because there’s some great fanart on Twitter. But, you can’t search for “tifa” without seeing some really bad posts. And it’s the same accounts over and over. There isn’t a large amount. 

The entire goal of these posters is to fight people who don’t agree with them. They also start posting similar complaints about a week after the Cloti side makes them.

The most recent being that Cloti fans are going after Nojima and it’s not going to change anything. What? I saw a similar post about the C////erith side about a week or two ago. Why are Cloti’s going after Nojima? So I went through some of his posts. I found one where he posted about FF7R. The only Cloti posts I saw were thanking him. The C///erith ones were over the top trying to say how it was all C///erith and there was no Cloti in the remake. One even said that “millions of fans want Aerith to survive.” No, I’d say the majority of fans want the original plot points to stay. 

Nojima himself liked a fanart of himself... where they called him the Cloti king.

So where are the Cloti’s going after Nojima? I only saw praise... 

The next new one is that C///eriths aren’t racist and Cloti’s are. I’ve seen this argument in reverse as well. It seems they scope out some things and repost them in the opposite argument. 

I just don’t understand the extreme nature. You can ship who you want, but you can’t erase parts of the story to make it work. Why even bother playing the game? The romance aspect is SO SMALL in the OG. 

In the remake its a bit heavier, but it’s different times. Sex sells. Let’s add some spice to the game, and they did. I felt no sexual tension between Cloud and Aerith. Jessie tried HARD. The only mutual tension felt was between Cloud and Tifa. That deep, dear lord please do something to release this tension, feeling. Cloud and Aerith had cute little moments similar to a Disney movie or a kids movie. Tifa and Cloud had the moments you see in more mature things. 

Some of these moments are optional - the resolution scene you can technically avoid every time you play if you choose to. The Clotiscrew tunnel roll is a bit harder unless you KNOW you can avoid it and/or are terrible at the game. You literally have to try hard to mess up to not get that scene. 

The Clotiscrew tunnel scene is also hilarious to watch people react to. Cuz you do feel like you need to take a quick walk to cool off from that heat. Even my husband who doesn’t give a shit was like “wow, yeah, okay, that’s... intense.” 

It didn’t have to be, it could have been a roll and release, but he holds her and says “You okay?” in that soft af voice THAT HE ONLY USES ON HER. Her response is equally sexy. Then they get up and stare. Once again, not necessary.

All the “unnecessary” touching that goes on is fun to point out. People are still finding moments, I think. During battles, in the background during other scenes. They’re making this a point. They make it a point to show shots of those two during other scenes in the game. They aren’t being subtle anymore. 

So I don’t understand how you can erase all of that. 

The other side has a small group that is completely shitting on Tifa to do it. I don’t see that as much on the Cloti side towards Aerith. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, I bet it does, but it’s not as easy to find. Almost EVERY shipping fight has something about Tifa’s boobs, Tifa not telling Cloud about his past, something. They make stuff up in some cases.

All of this is a way to recruit people to their side. To “convert” them. I feel bad for the streamers who like Tifa and you see a group come in to try and “correct” that thought. Why do they care so much? 

Maximillian Dood doesn’t seem affected by those opinions - he’s a great supporter of Tifa as a character. He was very happy with the way they handled the remake, and that says a lot. He also has some great reactions to parts of the game. He also is a more experienced streamer, it seems.

My thoughts are... the Remake has blown expectations on how it was supposed to go. Probably a lot of fans assumed they’d make a point to build up Aerith as the love interest... but they didn’t. Tifa is in almost every chapter (2 is the exception). She is referenced multiple times in Wall Market - especially if you actually listen to the lyrics for Midgar Blues. Why place that song in during that part? 

So we go to the attack mode of survival here. They’re going to change as many opinions as possible. They’re going to make people question themselves. Make people feel bad. 

The reality is, there’s a clear cut story - they’re making it that way. There’s multiple hints that there isn’t going to be a love triangle. There’s multiple hints that Zack is going to be a thing in the Remake. They’ve definitely put it on more heavy that Aerith still loves Zack. 

I can only hope that things are made clear. That this can stop. I still say people should ship who they want. Hell, I ship Vincent and Lucrecia (this was my only romantic love in the OG back then...). However, canon is that Hojo and Lucrecia married and had a child. I wanted Vincent to secretly be the father so bad, but he’s not. That doesn’t ruin the game for me, at all. 

It would ruin the game for me, in a sense, if they completely pull a 180 in Part 2 and try to “remove” all of the stuff from Part 1 from a character dynamics perspective. It would feel wrong for Aerith to tell Cloud not to fall in love with her, tell him that everything isn’t real if he does, and also have her back off completely after Tifa is back, and then all of a sudden throw herself at him. It would erase all the friendship scenes between Tifa and Aerith.

And how could you just “turn off” Cloud’s attentive nature to Tifa? It wouldn’t make sense. It would ruin it for me because that is legit trying to erase parts of the story.

I don’t think that will happen. But I still get anxious when I see shit on the internet.

#cloti #clotif #ff7r #ff7r thoughts #shipping wars #cloud x tifa #tifa lockhart #ltd #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy 7 #cloud strife #ff7 spoilers #ff7r spoilers

[moghedien]

Ok so I have a lot of thoughts on the Witcher and this may not be coherent or concise at all but I’m gonna TRY

So overall my review for it is “VERY GOOD.” If you want to read the books first and are wondering how far you should read before watching this, definitely read the two short story collections (Last Wish then Sword of Destiny). You don’t have to start the saga itself. This season covers the short stories and some things that happen between them and Blood of Elves, but doesn’t actually get into Blood of Elves itself. That’s just if you want to read the books first of course, I don’t feel like you necessarily have to. It might help make certain aspects clearer earlier on and also give you some appreciation for certain things, but its not necessary. 

I’m gonna get into spoilery things about the show and also some things/people that are likely to happen/show up in the next season. If you don’t want to know any of that I’d say stop reading now. If you don’t care, then here goes. 

So the first thing I want to talk about is probably the more...I don’t want to say controversial aspect but the thing that people don’t seem to like and criticize it for, and that’s the timelines. So the show jumps between the point of views of Geralt, Yennefer, and Ciri throughout each episode (actually Yen isn’t in the first episode but is in all of them afterward). Each of them have their own storylines and each of those storylines are happening at different times. For instance, in the first episode Geralt’s storyline takes place decades before what’s going on in Ciri’s. The main problem I see its not made immediately clear. There’s do “ X Years Later...” or “Then...” popping up as they cut back and forth between the stories. I didn’t realize that was the case until halfway through the first episode when I heard a comment Renfri made about Calanthe that set the time up as compared to where Ciri’s is at. The problem most people have with that is the lack of clarity and the confusion at not immediately knowing what’s going on. I don’t really think that’s a problem though. 

I wouldn’t have necessarily been bothered if they had used title cards to clearly set the timeline up, but I think how its done is the better choice. I think using title cards might have suggested that Geralt and Yennefer’s stories are just backstory/exposition to a main Ciri storyline. Having them all have equal footing feels very intentional and I feel like is better for the storylines and the characters. Also, I don’t think its bad to assume that your audience is smart enough to figure things out, and its ok as an audience to be somewhat confused and not immediately understand everything that’s going on. As long as things become clearer over time, I think that’s perfectly reasonable story telling, and probably better than just spoonfeeding information to the audience. The show gave enough details to show you the timelines were not linear throughout each episode. As I said, I figured it out in the first episode with the comment about Calanthe. Other episodes make it clear too by showing characters that have already died or places that have already been destroyed. Or showing characters as children in Yennefer’s storyline who in the same episode are adults in Geralt’s. The viewer will figure it out eventually, even if they miss the first few details that show this. It’s not bad or wrong to ask the audience to actually watch the show and pay attention to what’s going on. Having them think about what things mean and what’s going on is a good thing. 

Also, I think the non-linear story telling really did a good job of making sure the audience spent time with all of the main characters throughout the show. We knew who Ciri was before she was even born. Had it been linear, we would have gotten little of Ciri until the end, and I really liked being able to build her up as a character and have her experience things throughout so that when the ball gets rolling next season, we already understand her and spent time with her. It makes it clear that this is as much her story as Yen or Geralt’s. They’re all given equal footing throughout and built up as characters throughout, that balance couldn’t have been accomplished with a linear storyline just because of the fact that Geralt and Yen have lived so much longer than her. 

I feel like I should talk about the characters more but I’m honestly not sure what to say except THEY GOOD. 

I will say that I was nervous about a few things with Yennefer. I was afraid that her deformities being corrected would be framed as her glow up and that would be when she really becomes the Yennefer of Vengerberg we all stan. I’m very pleased to say that wasn’t the case. We actually spent a lot more time with Yennefer pre-magicial spine surgery than I expected and while you do see her slowly becoming more and more the character we know over time, she really begins to become peek Yen before the transformation. She has somewhat of a shell to come out of, but she’s pretty clearly Yennefer the entire time and I think that’s fantastic. I really loved that her backstory wasn’t just “look at this sad girl. don’t worry she’ll be hot one day and then you’ll all see.” It could have so easily been that and it wasn’t at all. 

In general, I think Yennefer is really well done. I loved Anya playing her and I really like that she was so unapologetically Yennefer. She rubs people the wrong way and she does not care. No excuses are made for her, but also she isn’t villianized for it. You understand why she’s doing things. You understand why she’s like this. You either accept it or you get out of her way. 

Her motives of wanting to have a baby is a cliche and for good reason. Even knowing it was part of Yennefer’s character beforehand, I was still like “yeah ok.” But I really did think the show did a good job with it. Her wanting to have a baby wasn’t some off handed thing that came from no where and had no reason to affect the character as much as they wanted us to believe it did (*coughcough* Black Widow). It’s not just about the baby with Yen. It’s made clear that she just wants control over herself. She doesn’t necessarily want the baby, she wants the ability to decide to have a baby. She sacrificed the ability to decide in order to do something she thought would give her more control and power, but it didn’t. So she removes herself from there and from the influence of the Brotherhood, and tries to find real power that she has complete control of. But she tries to take back the one thing they still have that’s hers, which is the potential baby. 

But then, it is also about the baby to Yennefer. Or not the baby, but the person that it would be. Someone who would rely on her, and who would need her, and for whom she would be important. Lovers come and go thus far in Yennefer’s life. They’ve proven to be not as reliable as she’d hoped. But, of course if she did have a child, she would be the most important person in that child’s life for a significant amount of time, if not for their entire life. Her dream wasn’t to be a mother; it was to be important to someone. Being a mother would just make it all the more certain for her that she would be important to at least one person. So yes, its a cliche motive for a female character and for good reason, but they at least made it make a whole lot of sense for Yennefer. And it’s gonna really add weight to when she does meet Ciri and really becomes Ciri’s mother.

Speaking of, I am in awe of how the show ended, which made it explicitly clear that Ciri and Geralt’s relationship wasn’t the only one being guided by destiny. Yennefer’s relationship with Geralt and Ciri is equally destined. Geralt and Ciri have one exchange with each other. The first and only thing Geralt says to Ciri is “People linked by destiny will always find each other,” and the first and only thing Ciri says to him is “Who is Yennefer?” Then is cuts to his face, realizing that there is no reason she should know that name. No reason that she should bring up that name except that Yennefer is also destined to be part of this relationship. Then it cuts to black. They didn’t even introduce themselves. They didn’t even say their own names to each other. The only name mentioned in this exchange is Yennefer’s, who is not even there and who has no reason to be brought up now, of all times. Only, there is reason for her to be brought up now. Because Yennefer is Ciri’s mother. They are linked by destiny as well, just as she is linked with Geralt and Geralt with Ciri. They are both Ciri’s parents. End of discussion. Destiny has decreed it as such. I loved this ending, so damned much. 

Geralt, I feel like could have been so easy to get wrong. He could very easily be made into the broody man archtype. Geralt as a character has always been that to an extent, but I think it more plays with that idea. He quite literally plays with the world’s assumption that he is a hard, emotionless man that just cares about himself, but it’s obvious that isn’t actually the case. His moral code is defined pretty early on, and you see that he cares deeply about people and the show gets that right. And as much as I don’t like Henry Cavill as a person, I do think he plays Geralt well. 

The other characters, I am pretty satisfied with. Jaskier/Dandelion was cast so well. I wasn’t expecting quite as much of Tissaia as we got but I liked all that was given. I really was NOT expecting Vilgefortz to show up, much less be Yennefer and Triss’s new father (thank you so much Triss Merigold for that comment). Triss I adored and I really loved the actor playing her. Respect her or fight me. Fringilla, honestly what the fuck she was terrifying but we can’t help but stan. Honestly, I’m glad we got Triss, Fringilla, and Sabrina all making clear appearances and having roles established for them, because it really gives me hopes for the Lodge of Sorceresses in future seasons. I will cease to be corporeal if/when we get the first meeting of the Lodge in (most likely) two or three seasons. 

Speaking of the Lodge, everyone who has paid attention to my blog at all knows I’m so sad that Philippa Eilhart isn’t in this season but I gotta admit that was probably a good call. The only places she really would have shown up was in the scenes in Aretuza with the Brotherhood and at Sodden Hill, and she really had no reason to be either place. First of all, we would have been introduced to her character there and for what? A few shots of her yelling at people in the meeting or fighting in the battle? Adding her character there would have taken away from the established characters we already had there, and frankly probably would have been a waste of her character introduction. 

As it is now, there much potential for her when she does show up. She can, first of all, make the proper entrance that she deserves. Second of all, it adds some tension between her and Yennefer and the others. She wasn’t at Sodden and they were. Imagine the bickering that will occur when she comes in and puts herself in charge of situations. Imagine it. Revel in it. I could eat this hypothetical tension up with a spoon.

And of course I can write two paragraphs about a character who is NOT in the show, because I am first and foremost a Philippa Eilhart stan account and secondly gay, which is basically the same as that first thing I said. 

As an adaption, I think it did pretty dang good. There are certain things I’m kind of sad got changed. Like I’m so sad that Geralt’s introduction to Yennefer wasn’t her hungover as shit in a trashed hotel room, naked in bed at noon, and demanding he bring her some apple juice. But at least there was apple juice! The short stories themselves would be tricky to adapt outright, and frankly not all of them are really important, but some of them are very important. Adapting it like this was a good move. Because this season (and I hate to phrase it like this because it really makes it sound unimportant or like its just exposition) is basically a set up season for the next, which appears to be when they’ll start adapting the saga itself. We get the important stories of Geralt and Yen that take place before the saga and we get more of an introduction to Ciri than we really get in the books. Having this season be basically the short stories plus the events that took place immediately before Blood of Elves was a good call I think. 

Overall, I loved this show. Like, a lot. Like, I watched the whole thing in a day, and I think I’m going to go watch it again after I post this. I think it’s really faithful and true source material that people love while not isolating the people who are being introduced to the Witcher saga with this. It doesn’t really hold hands or make efforts to seem overly familiar to the audience (its not trying to be game of thrones and people can just shut up with that comparison), but it’s not gonna be work to watch and enjoy it. I really did love it, and I am so relieved that they already have the second season confirmed because knowing what comes next, I know the second season should be even better.  

#witcher #witcher netflix #the witcher #yennefer of vengerberg #Geralt of rivia #ciri #cirilla fiona elen riannon

[kensingtngore]

@bestcrow i know you blocked me and stuff but i’m pretty sure you check my blogs and this is just weighing on my mind so i’m gonna post it and hope you see it. i guess it’s okay if you don’t but i think it would be important for you. please spencer you can’t internalize things like this. they’re not direct criticisms or things that are inherently part of you that you can’t fix. they’re things that i think you should confront that will make it easier for you in the long run. and i feel terrible because i never really said what i thought and i enabled you to think everything was okay when it wasn’t.. but people told me i shouldnt feel bad for that so idk. i’m sure you already know lots of this too but along with that youve been pretty consistently ignoring my feelings and i really need you to understand how i feel in all of this. anyways here’s some things that i’ve been thinking about (way less accusatory than my last post about it).

it’s not normal to make your partner be completely responsible for you and have them tell you when to do everything and just not do it if they don’t say anything. it’s not. i never really thought of it as weird when it was happening but i told nico and manda and they were both really weirded out by it because it’s not healthy!! i KNOW you know that and i KNOW we addressed it but it’s going to cause some serious lasting issues for me. now i’m going to feel like if my so isn’t totally dependent on me, something is wrong. and it caused problems for me in the relationship too. i had breakdowns over it because you made me directly responsible for your success or failure and subsequent self-worth (’when you stop pushing me it feels like you’re giving up on me so i give up’) and i literally could not handle that. and nobody should have to put their life on hold to take care of you. it has to be equal, and putting that much responsibility and pressure on someone is not healthy or balanced in the least. 

i honestly don’t think it’s dramatic to say that getting angry at your partner for having emotions is gaslighting. making someone repress their feelings is literally a form of gaslighting. you cannot expect other people to be emotionless, spencer. and i know that’s what you wanted from me because you literally told me that. on top of that you can’t tell someone not to talk about how they feel on tumblr/wherever, but then get upset and angry when they come to you like you said you wanted. i know you think i betrayed your trust by having the vent blog but i did not have any other options. and YOU have a vent blog AND a private vent!! once again i know this is something you know but it’s extremely damaging. and if you think YOU have trust issues because i didn’t tell you things, imagine how i feel believing that my partner is going to get pissed at me for being emotional. something i already believed but now it’s amplified x300! :) 

getting a job is something that NEEDS to happen. maybe you can live off your parents but i can’t and chances are the people you date later on won’t be able to either. i know that you know this but the fact that you shut down and guilted me into promising not to do something that i desperately needed to do to SURVIVE is not okay. i know it sucks, i know you have separation issues, but it’s NOT fair at all!!! there has to be a better way to deal with that!! and another thing: you got so upset when i mentioned college because you thought we would move in together sooner and me going to college would prevent that, but then when you started having issues you decided moving in was too big of a step. i totally understand the latter, but i feel like it was really unfair to do that to me. your partner’s future cannot be determined by your impulses and mood swings. it honestly fucked me up because i felt like i had to depend on your success, and that’s something i struggled with when you broke up with me too- i didn’t have any plans besides You, so i felt so lost and alone!!! nico put it very succinctly: you isolated me and then left. and you cannot keep doing that to people. 

this is a smaller one and pretty much only applies to us but. okay. yes i know i have problems with jealousy and being paranoid but you did Not help with that. it’s not okay to act like how you and nadia did. and it’s not fair to make me feel like i overreacted to you guys being affectionate when you said. directly to me. ‘if you did the same thing with nico i would freak out’ (or something to that effect). you knew it was something that bothered me and something that would bother you too! you knew it wasn’t a normal behavior! you can’t belittle your partner’s feelings over something like that (you made it very obvious you thought it was stupid that i was upset over the thing w your sonas). the only times i got upset that you hung out were 1. when you were together irl (warranted, maybe it’s a novel idea but i kinda wanted to be around the person i was dating :P) and 2. near the end when you were barely speaking to me but hanging out with her and being affectionate and sexual all over tumblr (warranted, because you were pulling away from me while doing that). and now you’re using my fear of the thing with jd against me... that wasn’t even unwarranted either. it’s a romantic relationship in canon and as lame as it is to get upset over kin drama it’s like... it’s real to you!!! so it matters!!! maybe instead of trying to paint me as jealous now you could maybe try to see where i’m coming from. 

it is not fair to say that you cannot control things because of your mental illness. i didn’t think it was bad at the time but as i’m thinking about it it gets more and more upsetting and seems less and less healthy. you Cannot say things like that i’m sorry. i feel so out of control sometimes too (recently!!) but some of the things you said or did and then went ‘can’t help it, it’s my illness’ were just not okay at all. it’s like when you were snapping at me and i told you you were being harsh and you’re just like ‘i can’t stop myself’... things like that aren’t okay!! and i’ve been talking to people who have similar issues and even they think it’s not good to fall back on that as an excuse. 

your mood swings made me SO nervous spencer. i hate to say this but they reminded me a lot of my mom. i’m not trying to say you’re like her in that you’re abusive but i’m sure you know how it feels when you’re on unstable ground with someone and their emotions can change at any time and things you do can set them off and it’s impossible to tell what’s going to happen. it terrifies me. this fits in with the control thing because i know it’s hard when small things set you off, but the same exact thing happens to me and i try really hard not to take it out on other people and so do plenty of other people i know who struggle w it too. 

it’s also not fair to rely entirely on your partner for support. i know you have a hard time talking about things. i know you shut down. but it is entirely unfair to put one person in charge of your emotions and depend on them for everything. i enabled this because i’m naturally sort of a ‘caretaker’ and i worry that if i’m not being useful to people then i’m useless, but it’s honestly had a really bad effect on me and it’s something that hurt me while we were together too. i feel bad that i never said anything but i hope you can take it to heart now. i hope you can get help for it.

semi-related, and maybe more specific to us but i think it could be a factor in every relationship you have if you don’t look for outside help: i really feel like part of why you stopped having feelings for me is because i stopped helping with all the bad things in your life. looking back on things... you know how it was in the beginning. you said something to the effect of ‘a few messages from you and i’m like depression who? i don’t know her’ when we first started talking. and then later on it was pretty clear that that wasn’t the case and things just started spiraling and getting worse. i know you say you don’t understand why things changed but i really do think it was due to that, at least in part. and i think that’ll just keep going with anyone you date unless you really try to deal with the actual root of your issues. people can’t fix you. but you are very strong and resilient and you can do things to help yourself, i know it. 

i don’t think you’re a bad person at all. i’m not just talking about you to talk or ‘implying you’re toxic’ just because. these things have been weighing on me and i’m dealing with all the emotional fallout and feeling miserable so i know they’re real. i may not be happy with you and i may wish we hadn’t met but i don’t think you’re bad or abusive. i'm sorry things turned out like they have. i’m sorry i tried to hurt you with that other post and i’m sorry i’ve been pretty terrible about messaging you. i’m sure there are things that i did that bothered you too-which you’ve said- and i KNOW i have issues that need to be worked out. i wouldn’t claim otherwise, and you’re free to talk about them if you need to. (you can talk to me if you want even.) but you have to understand that i am deeply hurt and you hurt me. not only by leaving but with things you did while we were together that are going to be lasting and hard to shake. like i said you cannot internalize it when people tell you things like this. i know it’s so hard, but none of this is intrinsic to you and you can change. you’re a good person, spencer. you just NEED to start taking responsibility for the things you do and work on them instead of shutting down for fear of being an abuser.

#if you read this you can message me or post about it or anything you need. i understand whatever you need to do and i won't be mad. #i'm sorry things turned out like this.