#yes ive been listening to close every door and thinking about kon for days. listen.

[mamawasatesttube]

going to bed but thinking about kon and his suicidality as selflessness and how heroism and self-destruction share quite the overlap and how saving the world with his death was heroic but also the culmination of a pattern of passive suicidality he displayed since practically his first day alive. what does it mean when you're so eager and willing to help at any cost to yourself that you assume you will not see yourself grow up? "i don't care what happens to me" is a scary place to be, but "i don't care what happens to me, so long as i can save everyone" is noble and brave, right? so when does heroism become an act of self-destruction? when you truly believe in helping others, but you also think you'll die doing it one day and that isn't enough to stop you... where's the line?

#yes ive been listening to close every door and thinking about kon for days. listen. #''i do not matter / i'm only one person / destroy me completely and throw me away'' #''if my life were important / i would ask 'will i live or die?' / but i know the answers lie / far from this world'' #is this about humility and the knowledge that the singer is just one of many lives and no more important than any of them? #or is it about the singer seeing himself as disposable? #is there even a difference between the two? #why is humility to the point of destruction so praised in martyrs yet frightening to encounter in a loved one? #(perhaps the loved ones of a martyr would say it *was* frightening) #what is heroism if not the pursuit of martyrdom? #like obviously that's not all there is to it but from the kon context (the kontext if you will). #the themes. the motifs. and my agonies. they are all there and real. #suicide ment cw #kon #rimi talks