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praphit · 5 years

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Aquaman: Party through the "Meh" with mermaids twerkin

When I first heard that Aquaman was getting his own movie, I was hyped! I thought to myself "FINALLY!"

Finally, this man is going to get a chance to reveal his story to the world!" He has been ridiculed for decades - the only superhero who's this powerful, who never gets any respect! It ain't right! It ain't right how we've made fun of him. Yeah, I know I've made fun of him as well... which I will not apologize for... his power is silly. It's possible to have a special ability that is both powerful and down right stupid.

Look at Wolverine - now, I would never tell him to his face that his power is stupid, but... ... I mean, his power is taking an asswhupin. Take away his claws, questionable grooming, and attitude and you're left with that cheerleader from "Heroes" - same powers.

The X-Men could simply replace Wolverine with her. Now, they would never do that, or even think of saying that Wolvy is silly, right??! Nah, cuz he he makes it look good! We respect that man! He makes it work! He is a BAMF phosho!

Whenever there's a problem that needs a "fixer", they call on Wolverine, cuz he's bad ass. DC thought that they might make Aquaman into the Wolverine of the Justice League. I was down for it!

Even Aquaman was excited about this - he decided he'd change his look to cultivate how he wanted to be perceived. He wanted that Jason Momoa look: He dyed his hair, got some tats, joined a biker gang... JM kinda has that sexy-dirty look going on.

Here's a picture of him just getting out of the water, and yet he still looks a lil dirty somehow; it's uncanny. So, Aquaman decided that he'd lift weights on a beach that has a thin layer of trash on it - to get that look, and that he wouldn't stop lifting until the ladies start hurling compliments, phone numbers, and bikini tops at him. The Jason Momoa make-over is in full effect and I'm loving it!

We saw him with the Justice League - He was PartyMan! They were trying to save the world from ultimate evil while he was showing up late, drunk, and shirtless, being like "YEAH! PARTAAAAAY! WHEW!" Who doesn't love that guy??! Give me a movie about Aquaman drinking under the sea, making fish perform musicals for him (cuz why not??), getting high with sharks, and banging mermaids. YES!

BUT, then I started thinking.... thinking things through typically ruins fun: Sure I loved "partyman", but do I really want 2 1/2 hours of him? At some point, party men/women get tiresome, right?? I started thinking about the current state of the DC Universe - Superman and his digitally removed mustache flew off to make action movies.

Batman hasn't been looking too good these days -

Sorry, wrong one -

But, still not looking so good - (we do hope Ben gets better)

Just like us men to leave the woman behind to carry the load. Eventually, carrying the rest of the DC universe is going to wear on WW, right?? We've all known or had moms who power through their guy leaving in the beginning, while carrying a huge load. But, after a while they get cranky... maybe bitter towards men... and drink a lil too much wine every night (but we don't talk about it).

I can see this in WW's fate for the next movie. Bursting through doors, with a wine stained costume, punching all of the men (simply assuming they're the ones who are in the wrong)... eternal bags under her eyes... somehow all of her inspirational speeches end with her cursing the names of Batman and Superman. If that's how a mighty warrior like Wonder Woman is going to end up, what hope is there for a loveable, drunken, ex biker gang member like Aquaman?

Then, someone walked over to me and said "John Praphit, quit being Marvel's bitch and go support a DC comic movie for a change!" Now, people... for one that's uncalled for... and two - while I consider myself to be a patient, gracious, Jesus-loving man... if one gets out of line with their mouth, don't think I won't wait until Jesus ain't lookin and beat them down. Soooooo, that's exactly what I did to this person - with my hands around their throat, I was STILL thinking... What other movies are even out around Christmas?

That Deadpool scam? -

It's the same movie with a lil less cussing and violence in it! I hope that y'all didn't fall for this! DP and Fred Savage are out there stealing people's money.

I thought "I could go see these two assholes."

Or what about Mary Poppins?

I actually have an idea for Mary Poppins. How about Mary Poppins the Horror Film?! Picture her in the house teaching and singing with the kids, but they aren't getting it - they're such screwups... she walks upstairs into the bathroom, shuts the door, and finally snaps. She takes off her clothes except her underwear, shaves her head, opens a chest full of guns, and begins to strap them all on... puts on lipstick, but not on her lips... she smears it all over her face... drinks a half a bottle of vodka, and then walks out the door, down the stairs to the kids... that's when the fun/horror begins. YES!

While still holding this person's neck in my hands, I thought to myself "I'm never going to get THAT Poppins." So... I let him go, called an ambulance for him (cuz I'm gracious like that), and went to see Aquaman.

PEOPLE!

Meh... it was as I thought it would be. There are some fun moments - Jason Momoa's portrayl of Aqua is certainly fun, it's just that the director of this movie forgot to tell the other cast members to have fun. Everyone not named Aquaman is so serious in this movie. Again, Momoa is fun... the cg fights are fun, but... it's just meh. But, being that there's not a whole lot to see in the theatres right now, perhaps it'll be the perfect type of "meh" for you. I recommend having a few drinks first tho. The dialogue is BAD and the plot - I mean...

... it's a campaign for who should be King of the sea. Jason Momoa or this guy

(everything about him screams lame) C'mon, no need for a fight, just a quick vote, and let's all move on.

Granted, I can remember a time when we all thought there would be a landslide victory for a particular leader, and the voting process kinda failed us...

So - maybe an over-CG'd water/fish fight IS warranted. (and you get two of them).

Can you imagine if Trump and Clinton had duked it out for the presidency?? I think I'd put my money on Clinton. Sometimes, it's the angrier person who wins the battle. Clinton has all of that rage built up from dealing with Bill all of these years.

She could focus all of her rage on Trump. Finally unleashed!

Anyway Grade: generic C for Aquaman - though an entertaining generic C

What they should have done is go all in on comedy - like Thor 3 or Ant-Man. They could have even sold a fun soundtrack produced by Rick Ross and Lil Wayne. Picture Momoa under the sea, wearing a hoody with Rick Ross... while bopping his head to the beat. You could have Lil Wayne surfing on a shark above... mermaids twerkin!

OR - Give us killer Aquaman.. but still funny. You know?? - make us laugh while he's engaged in the mayhem. Like if you were to combine Jason Momoa with Kevin Hart and The Joker.

Though I believe Aquaman's powers to be silly, they could be horrific with the right mindset. There are all kinds of creepy creatures under the sea. Just have Aqua drag people down to the sea and have fun with them using some of these beauties.

Then the sequel could be Aquaman seeking redemption; realizing that he should use his powers for good. He could tweet out some apology - He's a changed man! He has found the Lord! I dont think the villain to hero story has been told quite like this in a Comicbook movie before.

And when the people don't forgive him, cuz... you know... all of the murder. BOOM! Third movie with him saying "Well, bleep y'all then!"

THAT'S a franchise that is definitely NOT "meh".

#aquaman #Jason Momoa #john praphit #praphitproductions.com #movies #Movie Reviews #DC comics #comic books #praphit #mary poppins #fish #sea

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