#writing my messed up steam of consciousness at this point idk

[kimmkitsuragi]

not to be like waah waaaah im so upset about my life while i have a nice and good life in general compared to so many people here but. i still feel like the art piece "here's the life i've always longed for". i keep thinking about my father almost crying talking to me on the phone at the election night. he kept saying he doesnt want me to feel like this country's fate is my only choice, and my life will not be ruined by these terrible people. but it feels like that sometimes. a lot of times actually. and i mean im trying to do things to change it really. but also im not trying hard enough. i get mad at myself for that. then i am mad that i live in a reality where i have to try so fucking just to have a chance of living in a decent reality. and what if i cant do it... i have to try harder i really have to apply myself i dont want to be a disappointment and a regret for my future self. i hope she is in a safe and beautiful place, not here. anywhere but here. please.

#yeah i cried while typing this keep scrolling #the thing is sometimes i think im just exaggerating everything in my head like. what's the worst that can happen right #but the truth is #I'm really really scared for this country's future. i dont know how bad it can be but it is already not good and still going worse #so. i dont think we are reaching when we panic about our future everyday #I know this is because I'm likely severely mentally ill but i cant live with this some days #the normal thing is obviously just. continuing to live #but the fact is that all this shit we've been going thru in the last year (before too. but especially 2023) #have pushed me to the point i was having panic attacks everyday lmao so like. yeah i guess it is fair that i want to gtfo of here #so compared to how ive been im really better #but still i dont apply myself the way i should. and it feels so bad because so many ppl worse off than me are pushing for their survival #everyday while im like waaaah wah i cant focus oh how will i get out of this country oh poor me wah :( lmao #girllll just work on it just do the things u must do. okay this whole post got way out of focus im just #writing my messed up steam of consciousness at this point idk #but. i cant help but say it's hard it's so hard to live everyday for me it's so hard to breathe sometimes #and i know that's a *me* problem. if i was not like this i could do so much #I should be doing so much #to get the life i want for myself. but it's so hard. i hope i wont die unhappy and full of regret #neg #🗒 #okay i dont even remember what i wrote here exactly but it's probably the saddest post I've done in a long time #dont know if anyone actually reads it it's so embarrassing when i think abt it 👍 i dont even know where this came from #it's not even a Bad day