#woeifjowfjwf

[ikari-cat]

An update near the end of this year :/

Currently typing this at my room, specifically at the desk, Azure roams the room. It's raining, which adds more to the state of mood I've been in during these past couple of months. Bare with me as usual, then again that's expected huh, I still think after years that no one bothers with these posts and really just hope to see art lol

I didn't have a good semester as expected, despite taking only two classes, both are them are filed incomplete and essentially I'm hoping to still receive aid in future semesters to come. For advanced stats, I essentially freaked out, I couldn't believe an undergrad like me was passing the class. I felt like I wasn't learning anything, and no matter how much I tried to keep up, it just felt like I was trying to hang on to this class and was not happy with it. The only good thing that came out of it was that the professor gave me the incomplete so in order to not get an F yet I will have to take the class within a year, and now I just hope to learn at a better pace without spiraling down again.

As for the other class, quantitative studies, the group project we had basically reminded me of how much of a mess I am as a person. I hate the study that was chosen, I hate how it took one person in the group that annoyed me to fall apart altogether, and I hate that in the end, I was the one to quit despite knowing I could have sucked it up to the end. But we will get to the real deal-breaker, for the semester however I know I could be better and I have to really work on myself.

The dealbreaker was that my mother, once again, got us all in trouble this time with a possible eviction notice, and I say possible because she wants to take it to court but the manager hasn't said anything the past 2 months. So, my only hope now, is that the manager chickens out and we continue living here. That way, I can still save money somehow and well hope to find a place that's secured down the line. I, usually, don't like getting into how things are going in my relationship with M since yeah TMI but overall a part of me feels like despite the decade we've almost known each other,,,, I'm the one to overthink things to the point it still feels one-sided? I still don't feel we can openly talk about things, and communication is key, so sometimes it does feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger despite the years we've known each other. I'll regret mentioning us in this later for sure, but, maybe it will help future me decide on things and the way they are headed.

Throwing in some positivity though, I'm thankful to have gotten my license this year as well as a car. Now, the car payments are ridiculous, and despite my dad helping me with co-signing for it,,,,, he definitely did just that. I'm hoping the aid kicks in soon, otherwise yeah back to 2 jobs and being part-time in school. The worst-case scenario, if we're being evicted, is that I'll have to take out a loan in order to support a new place,,,,but yeah as cringy as it sounds I don't think I can move in with a partner if we're not married. This brings up another good thing, I'm really thankful to the friends I've reconnected with. Despite the little we see each other, it really makes me feel safe, that I can be open to people. I KID YOU NOT, I've talked to myself so much these past years that I know I need help, but with covid it's hard to essentially see someone.

As for interests, I've been fixated on Fire emblem Azure Moon route this whole year, specifically Dimitri and Byleth (literally my nsfw twitter account is just dimileth hell lmao) and with Pokemon I've like spiral down the negative route,,,but really looking forward to Legends! Still loved the dceu with ZS involved, and Sasusaku is still a good ship that deserves all the attention lol

I'm sure there is more not mentioned but I'll limit it for here, for now just hoping to not get evicted and continue school full time despite the dark days we are in. My main presence is at my nsfw twitter account, but considering it's just for one fixation, it's why I haven't linked it yet. I'll well queue things up eventually, but for now, I just needed a place to type up my thoughts so here we are! I hope everyone stays safe, and that we can all get through these tough times, despite feeling like I'm barely holding on,,,,,I don't think I'll quit living anytime soon (the pro to having a emotional support pet)

#cat's random rambles #long post #it long #kinda dark but well #as expected #woeifjowfjwf