#who she thought she at least partially shared ambitions with doesnt want that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lavendersage · 3 years

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Your blog is a great source of comfort for me. While I know that the workings behind it is just a kindhearted person selecting tender content in their free time, there's something almost fae about the calm it gives me.

I hope it's not the wrong choice, but for a while I've wanted to try something. I come to this blog everyday for some peace -- sometimes I don't even check the rest of my feed, I just come straight here. This year has been dreadfully taxing on everyone, and I'm one of those everybodies.

I hope it's okay, but for a while I've had this idea of writing my heartbreak down and dropping it here, almost like letting it go on a scrap of paper in a stream. I havent been to the woods in a while; I'm a teen in a city that's been beyond ravaged by covid.

But still, I found time for a little #longing. Let's call her Jay. She's smarter than a whip. Math prodigy, piano prodigy, in line to be valedictorian. I, one might say, am nöne of those things. Someday she'll have a PHD, and all I'll have is my ADHD. I'm the class clown, a freelance dunce, but due to some stroke of luck, the same perfectionism that drives Jay's brilliance doesnt allow her to relax easily. I can make her laugh. She values that in me. I found a currency for which I could pay for her time.

I've loved her for years, Lav. And what hurts more is that I know she loves me too. The kisses I've stolen light a fire in my stomach at the thought of them. The memory of closing the distance between us in the big guest room bed when I used to go to her house to sleep over is what's keeping me from going mad during this third round of total lockdown. When we are alone, she is mine, and I am whole. But like I said, if Jay is anything, she's a perfectionist. We were once scolded for being too "flirtatious" at a dance -- the only instance of discipline she's recieved all high school (meanwhile, I have a desk in the detention hall that literally has my name on it). She's desperately closeted, and terrified of losing her image. That's the thing about people who study until they sweat blood so that they never fail: the only thing they never learn is that failure isnt the end of the world the way us flunkies do.

I keep asking her to be mine, publically. Or, perhaps not fully publically, but at least socially. Our peers have more than caught on to what's going on between us and are overwhelmingly positive. And while we'd still have to hide from the adults, that would be accomplished whether we did it totally and miserably, or with room for partial sunshine. My heart and my honor cannot stand the sneaking, the slinking. I am not a secret to be kept. But Jay isnt ready, so I suppose I can learn to behave as if ashamed of my love for her sake.

I fold this message up, and drop it in your stream, Goddess of The Pure Calm. Grant me peace.

first, i just want to say that i can neither confirm nor deny that i am fae 🧚‍♀️ i am so glad that you visit my blog so often and that it grants you peace throughout the day. it always boggles my mind to hear things like that from you guys 🤧

and please, as always, take my words with a grain of salt--i’m not an advice blog (i’m not even sure if advice is what you’re looking for), but i will do the best i can 💚

my heart breaks for you, friend. my teenage years may be behind me but i still remember how hard it was to exist in that stage of life. it’s hard in a way that adulthood isn’t.

i was a lot like you. i was always “the funny one” and never really stuck out academically. i was friends with a lot of people whose intellect and ambition intimidated me to no end. to be in love with someone like that must feel like something else entirely.

that being said, i can feel how much you care for jay just in the way you talk about her. “i can make her laugh. she values that in me. i found a currency for which i could pay for her time.” this made me tear up a little, i won’t lie. and darling, i’m sure she values you for far more than your ability to make her laugh. but i get it--people like us use humor for a lot of things, maybe to make up for something we think we lack, or as a way to get other people to see us as worth keeping around. i assure you, love, you’re worth keeping around if you’re the funniest person alive and you’re worth keeping around if you never utter another joke again. your presence in your friends’ lives is valuable. your presence to miss jay is valuable. your presence on earth is valuable.

it must be incredibly hard to be in love with someone who reciprocates your feelings, but be unable to move forward with your relationship. you don’t want to be a secret, you don’t want to sneak around. of course you don’t, love. i’m so sorry that you have to wrestle with those feelings.

however...i’ve also been in jay’s place. back then, i wasn’t necessarily concerned about my image, or my reputation, but before i was out, i was terrified of what my family and friends would think of me if they knew the truth about who i was. i lost my chance to be with someone i really cared about because i was too afraid to go public, and they weren’t willing to wait. i simply wasn’t ready.

i of course don’t know her personally, but it sounds to me like jay isn’t ready, either. it’s great that your peers are positive about your potential relationship, but there are probably some of outside factors that are scaring her out of wanting to go public. it doesn’t mean she’s ashamed of her feelings. it doesn’t mean she’s ashamed of you. she simply isn’t ready. and for plenty of folks, it takes time to reach that point.

i can only speak from my own experience and what i’ve witness in my friends’ lives, but darling, once you’re out of high school and move into adulthood, so much changes. you get the freedom to more deeply explore who you are. i cannot even begin to stress how much change you will go through in your late teens and twenties. i don’t even recognize the person i was back then, and chances are both you and jay will have plenty of time to grow into the people you’re meant to be.

i don’t want to turn this into an “oh, it gets better when you’re older” type of response, because that’s redundant and it isn’t even always true, but there is a lot of value in the freedom that comes with leaving high school and getting out into the world. you will experience it. so will she. give it some time.

jay may decide that her feelings are more powerful than her fears, and she may need more time to reach a point where she’s comfortable sharing that part of herself with the world. i truly hope that she comes to that decision in her own time, at her own pace.

i also wish you well, friend. i will keep you in my thoughts as you wrestle with these feelings of longing and frustration, and i will keep jay in my thoughts as well. if your situation changes, feel free to let me know. my inbox is always open.

lots of love to you both, and stay safe 💚💚💚

#asks #long post #if any followers have kind things to say feel free to comment!

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rosykims · 3 years

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2, 7, 11 + on what, 18, 21, and 29 for miss gracie AND ! 3, 8, 9, 13, 18, and 30 for mr rhys !

THANKS BESTIE <3 <3 <3 <3

18. Kissing: tongue or no tongue?

heheh :) definitely tongue <3 I MEAN IT REALLY DEPENDS like gracie doesnt care much for pda unless its Tasteful, plus in her few relationships prior to ambrose i dont thik she wouldnt felt comfortable enough to let loose lmao, but with ambrose specifically, and in private? ya she’d definitely feel safe enough to get a lot more intense and like. hm. Win i suppose JKJDKJKDFJ

21. What would it take for them to break up with someone? What would be the last straw?

hmmm more than anything i think she never wants to feel held back? so, in the nicest way possible, if someone consistently got in the way of her ambitions she would cut them loose. alternatively just people who dont Try, or ppl who make HER feel bad or stupid for trying !!!!

I FEEL BAD BC I KEEP THINKING OF MORE LAST STRAWS LOL shes a very high effort gorl !!!! but i also dont think she’s a fan of clinginess. it doesn’t irritate her so much as make her feel guilty and awkward bc she just shows her love in very different ways than that? i dont think she’d be able to handle a relationship without very clear boundaries and personal space (since she so desperately values both of those things)

29. What recurring dreams do they have?

tbh i dont think she remembers a lot of her dreams BUT i do have an Extremely Iconic headcanon ive never shared before where like. on occasion gracie and nick end up sharing the same dreams??? either because nick subconsciously reaches out to gracie in his sleep, or gracie’s thoughts are projected into his head - either way they sometimes wake up like 👀 girl we both need therapy So bad huh <3

and for rhys !

3. Ask them to describe their love interest.

“Describe de la Cruz?” Rhys glares at you suspiciously before his demeanor suddenly shifts. You watch him mull over the question with a frown and a dramatic sigh. “Let’s see . . . pale, six-two, bright red hair. Speaks with a distinguished Czechian accent. Partial to cashmere sweaters and flare jeans. The last I heard from her, she was boarding a cruise ship to Madrid. This is about the warrant for her arrest in Colorado, yes? The . . . the car incident?” He winces. “Because those charges are completely unfounded, for the record. Absurd. Ridiculous. The ones in Boston, too.”

(hi the joke is he’s talking to a cop or smth idk i finished writing this and realized it wasnt funny JKDFJKDFJKFDJ)

8. Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them?

BOTH <3 rhys likes the ego boost of being the smartest person in the room and really enjoys Figuring Things Out for his own satisfaction but also. while he is v smart he’s also not a genius by a long shot, so his success rate is um. a little all over the place lmao. he’s the type of person who gets SO pissed off trying to figure something out/fix a problem and will become 100% consumed by the issue until its solved. v much the definition of IT MAKES NO DAMN SENSE >:( compels me tho :( only 6000000000000% more melodramatic

9. Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)?

hmmm he doesn’t assign them human traits or anything like that but he does get attatched to certain objects ! books and artifacts and antiques usually, plus his car! mostly it’s just to the meaning he personally derives from them though, or how they remind him of other people!

13. Name one thing their parents taught them.

I WAS GOING TO OPEN WITH A DARK DADDY ISSUES JOKE BUT IVE PUT HIM THROUGH ENOUGH LOL. so despite the rocky relationship with his father, he definitely got his talent for history/writing/reading from him. whereas from his late mother, he inherited her sense of humour and introspection/sensitivity (which arguably arent skills to be taught but. yes they literally are so shush)

18. Kissing: tongue or no tongue?

both !!!!!!!!!!! like gracie it really depends on the circumstances, but rhys is a very Intense partner and tends to get a little carried away/lost in his feelings. he does prefer to take the other persons lead though so he wouldn’t go too overboard if the other person wasnt matching that same energy

What would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?

rhys, at least prior to meeting zelda, doesn’t care much about if people forgive him, so forgiveness doesn’t hold much value unless its someone he really loves (and hes certain loves him back) i think if anything he mightve told liam how he rly felt, which he never Actually did because it was (at the time) the one relationship he was afraid of screwing up :(

#THANKS BABE LOVE U BABE MWAH #again apologies for the lame answer to q3 JKDJKFGJ #oc: rhys #oc: gracie #trvelyans

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