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Understanding and Loving a Person With Bipolar Disorder (2018) by Stephen Arterburn, M.Ed. and Becky Lyke Brown, M.S. Review

★★★★★

Title, Subtitle, Preface, Introduction

Title: Understanding and Loving a Person With Bipolar Disorder

Subtitle: Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion.

Loving a person with Bipolar Disorder presents unique challenges. It's uniquely challenging because its effects and patterns are non-obvious and 'invisible'. It's challenging because part of the disorder feels really good to the afflicted. It's challenging because there isn't a cure. It's challenging because being close to someone with the disorder can lead to broken boundaries and lack of self-care. And all of this is even more challenging because from the outside it doesn't look like the person is sick.

The hope of this book is to show you the path out of that mire into a place of hope even in the midst of the pain of the disorder. Practical methods for a variety of situations common to the disorder are outlined throughout the book. Beyond all else it's important to develop empathy towards your loved one, understanding that they're sick, not bad, preserve boundaries and exercise self-care so you can love as effectively as possible, and show compassion from a place of understanding so that your loved one feels loved and honored by you.

Table of Contents

The table of contents is unhelpful.

Index/Bibliography

There is no index or bibliography.

Publisher's Blurb

This book is about how to live with hope in the face of a degenerative illness.

Practical strategies are discussed for:

When to help and when to pull back

How to develop empathy and compassion for what your loved one is experiencing.

Expert advice on when and how to seek to treatment

Ideas for specific situations and relationships (like spouse, parent, child, friend, co-worker, etc.)

Help for how to do self-care and personal boundaries

This book is meant both as a technical resource and as a source of encouragement.

Notable Chapters and Statements

Your love for the person who suffers must always be balanced with a healthy love for your own needs.

p. 7

And as those in relationship with BD have discovered, there's ultimately no way to do everything "right" enough to compensate for the person with BD.

p. 8

The following is what is essential for life with BD:

****Boundaries**** allow you to continue to maintain the strength required to love in your relationship despite the challenges.

****Self-care**** is what builds your strength and vitality up so that you aren't bringing your own wounds as a problem to the situation.

****Letting Go**** is admitting that you aren't in control of the situation nor are you responsible for the persons care (assuming you're not the parent).

****Forgiveness**** is living in freedom from the hurt in your past, especially hurt that the person with BD has caused you because of your illness.

****Beginning The Journey**** is scary but it's the necessary first step. You have to seek treatment. You have to establish boundaries. You have to do research about BD. You have to begin to practice self-care.

pp. 10-17

Naming what was really going on was an opportunity to get help and move forward.

p. 17

Mental health issues interrupt our plans for a happy life.

p. 20

When you learn about the causes and origins of BD, you can embrace empathy for your loved one. Empathizing with their struggle instead of resisting their reality can be a great support connection for the relationship. It can also help you find what you need for support for yourself.

p. 35

A popular quote says, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." The complete quote speaks to the strength of the battle. "This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavorable world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past that have skinned over but that smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us, we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self."

p. 48

Brené Brown, an author and researcher, says this regarding empathy: in order for us to connect with the other person, we have to connect with something inside ourselves that knows that same feeling. How difficult is this when we don't know what we feel or understand what they are feeling? Relationships, regardless of this diagnosis, can teach us more about ourselves, and empathy is one way we learn. When you are trying to share empathy and are unable to connect with a similar or same feeling as the other, it can be helpful to say, "I don't know how that feels; tell me more." And you don't need to fix the feeling —just be witness to it.

p. 49

Many times, people with BD think they don't need medicine, that the mood will pass and they will feel better. Others don't like the way the medicine makes them feel, so they refuse to take anything and suffer through life. It can be frustrating as you try to help them, and you may feel resentment, thinking, If only they would take their medicine, everything would be better. If your loved one is resistant to taking the medicine, rather than confronting them, encourage them to talk with their doctor about what they are experiencing and their resistance to taking the medicine. The person with BD is ultimately the one who will chose their course of treatment, which is good when the treatment is effective and frustrating and frightening when it is not.

p. 56

Non-compliance to any of the above interventions may also occur. Many suffer from the side effects, ineffectiveness, or simply "feeling flat" when taking medication to manage BD symptoms.

"I lost my creativity," said one client who decided to forgo ongoing medical treatment for her BD. She talked with her doctor about how she was unable to work as an artist because she relied on her "manic" phase, when many of her inspirations were the strongest. Her depressive cycles were short lived and managed with her counselor. She wasn't taking the medicine as prescribe, which created more side effects, such as physical illness, nausea, and the inability to drive. There were times when her depression was so deep she felt what has been called "the dark night of the soul." She lost her businesses, her home, and faced health issues through the years. However, she has re-created her life, is now employed, and has a sense of fulfillment in her family and life.

p. 60

In the midst of crisis, it is requisite that you have your own support system—family support, friends, a therapist of your own, and a small group—to help you navigate the confusion and hurt that can occur in your relationship. You must be able to ask for help. It isn't less "Christian" or less "loving" to ask for help or to set boundaries to protect yourself and ultimately the loved one who is battling this disorder.

p. 72

When we feel like we are being trampled over and disregarded, we don't feel loved. Creating boundaries for your own well-being and safety will create the best environment for love to flourish in the relationship. You don't love when you aren't fully present in a relationship because you've checked out to keep the peace. Failing to create healthy boundaries isn't loving. Love require presence, and sometimes that will mean you have boundaries that the other person wouldn't' choose. He or she may even rail against them. But just because the other person is protesting doesn't meant the boundaries aren't healthy. Maintaining them is hard, but it can be the most loving thing to do.

p. 74

What does it look like to love when the actions and behaviors of the person are unlovable? What does loving the person with BD look like? It may look like you are assisting with their treatment process. If they are resistant and combative, loving them may mean setting a boundary and letting them manage the care process on their own. Confusing as it may be, loving them might require letting them experience consequences instead of forcing your control in the situation.

p. 79

The biggest expression of love when dealing with BD is courage: not being afraid to ask the person what is wrong or if there is anything they need help with. It also requires courage to establish a boundary as an act of love. Saying no can feel very unloving but may be the most loving thing you can do, as many times people with BD can overwhelm the relationship.

p. 80

Do What You Can

Romans 12:18 reads, "Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone." It doesn't designate who "everyone" is. In The Message translation, it reads, "If you've got it in you, get along with everybody." This isn't a directive to be codependent; instead, it addresses the challenges we will all encounter with relationships of any kind. If you are struggling in your relationship with a person who has BD, living at peace with them may be having a good boundary. It may mean disconnecting, respecting their right to deal with the disorder in the way they so choose.

All relationships are teachers. Even when it seems that the relationship isn't "working" due to BD, you are able to learn about how others experience life. It can give you an opportunity to develop compassion, empathy, and perhaps stretch your patience so you can have more for others! We are all flawed, and some of us have a diagnosis that describes our experience of life. However we experience the world and those around us, we have the opportunity to learn from each encounter. We are exposed to our own weakness, strength, gifts, and talents as we interact with others. To try to avoid those whom we might think as too difficult, challenging, or even "imperfect" is to lose the opportunity to grow, learn, and become more aware of the needs around us.

Whether you are married to the person with BD, or whether they are a sibling, friend, or coworker, you will experience the pain of the illness, the relief of stability, and the depth of sorrow—maybe all in the same day. And you don't have the disorder! You will have to make decisions in your relationship to safeguard against unhealthy patterns and behaviors that can become "normal" in this unique relationship. If you are feeling like you are treading water more often than not in this relationship, it isn't working. That does not mean you just quit; as you know, it is not that easy. But you need to pay attention and take action ta address the issues.

Recognizing what you expected from the relationship, making peace with the fact they were not or cannot be the person you expect them to be, and forgiving them for the challenges you have experience as a result of the illness are the steps you need to follow. Begin to recognize some of the things in your relationship with them that you can be grateful for. If you have made the decision to move on, you can still recall some of the better days. If you remain in relationship with them, begin to develop a relationship based on who they are now, utilizing boundaries and self-care and accepting who they are and the gifts they have despite the challenges they face. Seek out support groups; create your support team, which might include a family member, counselor, trusted pastor, and close friend you can call any hour of the day or night. It is worth the effort it will take to make it work—whether you move on or stay in the relationship

pp. 113-115

You may be at a stopping point, feeling like there is nothing else that you can do and like you have completely run through your resources. If you feel that way, it is a pretty good indication that you need some self-care, respite, and time to recoup your energy. There will be a thousand reason you can provide for why you cannot do any self-care. If you are feeling this way and you don't know how to even start the process of self-care, begin with stepping out of the situation. It may be as simple as going for a walk around the block, or it could be more like you need to take the weekend and go check into a hotel for a good night's rest.

p. 116

Everyone is struggling with something. When you are in relationship with someone with BD, you may feel like the rest of the world is carefree and you are the only one facing this difficulty. This isn't a result of you not doing something right, not finding the right doctor or treatment center. This is part of the imperfect world we live in, and we all need help now and then. Make the choice to seek supportive relationships, to practice self-care daily, and to know when you cannot continue in the relationship any longer.

p. 119

What is Understanding and Loving a Person With Bipolar Disorder (2018) about, as a whole?

The book is about understanding what Bipolar Disorder is and how to love a person with Bipolar Disorder effectively while maintaining your own health.

What is being said in detail, and how?

The book establishes its credentials by accurately describe what living with and loving a person with BD is like in chapter 1. Chapter 2 is about BD specifically, what it's like to experience it, and what the various symptoms and types of it are. Chapter 3 is about how to build, maintain, and express empathy for your loved one. Chapter 4 is about finding treatment, especially about how to establish sensical expectations for how treatment will go and how much effort will be involved. Chapter 5 is about loving your loved one by loving yourself. Chapter 6 is a collection of specific situations and recommendations for each. Chapter 7 is how to figure out whether you're unable to keep going and strategies for emergency responses. Finally, chapter 8 is about how to find endurance for the long road ahead with many direct and personal words of encouragement to stay the course if you can.

#book review #bipolar disorder #stephen arterburn #becky lyke brown #self-care

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