#when my baseline is PAIN and self hatred and unexplainable symptoms. new symptoms dont make me go hmmm

[justtogetthrough]

I spent FOUR GOD DAMN HOURS at a walk in clinic tonight to get my stitches out because my arm has not been healing well, I was worried they'd fall open like the other one did and didn't wanna deal with it, and the stitches are really tight and i wasn't sure I could maneuver scissors one handed and just... overall didn't wanna deal with it.

But where I'm from we don't have walk in clinics so I wasn't expecting to wait FOUR HOURS. The small town hospital would have been quicker than this city clinic. I was getting more and more distressed and was about to leave to come home and get really high and just rip them out of me because I'm so sick of how painful they are. Then the doctor called me in.

I took off my sweater and explained I usually just take these out myself but I'm not healing well, this other one with all the steristrips popped back open when I removed the stitches, and I'm also kinda concerned these ones are infected so wanted someone else to do it this time.

He took one look and was like holy shit yeah that's infected, I am absolutely not taking those stitches out right now with all that going on because you don't want open wounds with that much infection. You need to clear up the infection and probably leave the stitches in for 10-12 days in order to have a chance to finally heal. (I explained today is day 8 so they're due to come out, nevermind that I usually never leave them in past 4 or 5 days...)

So anyway it's so bad he not only gave me 10 days worth of antibiotics but also LITERAL NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS because of how nasty it looks. I didnt even ask for painkillers, he straight up offered. And I feel so vindicated because now I realize my arm has been infected for probably like 5 or 6 days and that I'm not being a baby with how severe and unbearable the pain has been. I told him I've been using a topical antibiotic with lidocaine to try to control the pain and asked why the antibiotic part didn't treat this and he was basically like, a topical ointment won't do shit for what you have going on unfortunately.

I went to the clinic for 5 pm when they opened so I took the dressing off around 3 to dry out the ointment and stuff so he could remove the stitches, and the 7 hours of not having antibiotic cream on it has really shown that that shit was merely holding the infection back, minimally, at best. In the 7 hours it's been uncovered my skin has become so swollen and blistered and it's actually so painful I can't turn the key in my car or even shift from park/drive/reverse or do anything with my arm that requires force or strength.

And I almost walked out of that clinic before being seen because I didn't bring any meds with me or anything to do and wasn't prepared for hours of waiting around sick people who were so god damn overstimulating and so I was on the brink of meltdown all night. My friend offered to come sit with me at 9 after class if I was still waiting and I told them if I'm not seen by 9 I'm going to decapitate myself in the god damn waiting room. And then suggested maybe they don't wanna be around me while I'm this distressed lol. Thankfully the doctor called me in 5 mins later.

My arm is fucking gnarly and I'm putting the lidocaine cream back on it because my arm is so puffy it looks like it's being suffocated by the stitches. I wonder if I have a hydrocortisone cream. I am so motherfuckimg distressed by this and a systemic infection probably explains why I've spent so much of the last 3 days sleeping (I fell asleep during a meeting today even, and have done almost zero work this week) and why my other wounds aren't healing and why my skin is blistering from medical tape and idk just a whole assortment of things that have been weird but not evidently something serious on their own.

At least now I know why this hurts so god damn much ;___;

The antibiotics are supposed to start helping by 24 hours so wish me luck.

This has been the worst 3 weeks of a loooong time and I'm fucking mad about everything.

#cw cutting #ive surprisingly never had a serious infection before #i cant believe it took me so long to be like hm maybe this needs medical attention #but i hate myself so much i just dont... look at myself? i dont acknowledge my body? #same way it took me 12 weeks to realize i broke my toe tbh #when my baseline is PAIN and self hatred and unexplainable symptoms. new symptoms dont make me go hmmm #i just got god fucking damn it. and then assimilate that into my daily lived experience #until i try to do something else and a doctors like GOOD GOD NO THIS OTHER THING IS VERY VERY WRONG #sigh #personal