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floressyfobias · 3 years

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IDK just crying

I haven't written in here in so long, i mean, i barely did but anyway. Read tags.

I don't know why i'm writing here and why in a language that isn't mine, i guess it's just the safety that no one here cares about me but i still can be seen. I'm thinking about opening a sideblog just to vent, idk.

SO much has happened in the past year, and i don't mean Covid, i'm kinda glad i don't have to go out. I spent years of my life without going outside, literally, so this is an awful blessing. I'm selfish, i know, people are dying and i can only think "Wow, finally no one will judge me". In my defense, i have always been a disgusting, selfish human, so its fine.

How do i start? What's the start? I think about the start of my life as 6 year old me trying to commit suicide. I guess the start this time is BPD, i mean, is good to have a diagnosis i guess and it explains a lot. Isn't that what i started therapy for? So, let's see. PTSD, Depression, anxiety, phobias, disordered eating, insomnia, BPD, what else? I refused to answer a poll or whatever for bipolar disorder, i'm not gonna have anything else. Not for now.

My mood swings are more and they are more violent too, i do my best to lie about it. I try so hard. I can't sleep. I take so many pills yet i can't sleep, it's fine, my nightmares are awful but being awake isn't any better.

I lost so many things lately. Not only is the lack of sleep and food making me lose my mind, but i lost all sense of safety. Now, i'm gonna proceed to be more selfish, i'm sorry in advance, or not. I don't really feel sorry but i should.

When i was 9 years old, i would watch Glee in secret, because i was young and my mom thought i wasn't ready. When Santana came out of the closet, i was in an awful school trip (thanks mom and dad for not listening to what i wanted) and that episode was aired, i remember how much i cried and i knew why i was crying, because someone was expressing what i felt, someone i admired, althought, with so much violence going on at that time, i did not deal with being a lesbian for years, i had too much already.

My biggest (and most useless) talent is that i know EVERY Glee dialogue, in English and Spanish. Not only did i use Glee (and Naya, not Santana) as an excuse to stay alive, but as a safe space. Then i went from Glee to Brittana scenes mostly, no need to explain why.

When Naya dissapeared i was watching Glee. Prom Queen. One of my safest episodes. I NEVER pause a Glee episode, never. That night i did and i went to make tea, why? I don't know but i checked my phone and i had lots of messages asking if i knew something. Something about what???? Then i saw it, then i didn't sleep for days, then, thank God i had my therapist.

When i was a child, i learned about death in a weird way, no need to go into that but i hope my children (if i ever have any) won't learn about it in that way. Since then, i was obsessed. Okay, so i can kill myself but also, people can kill each other or get sick or have accidents or or or so many things can happen.

When my aunt died when i was 14, everyone asked how i was. It was disgusting, i felt disgusting. Now, something similar happened. Everyone asked how i was, even people i hadn't talked to in years. How are you? Stupid question. I wanted to be mean, i wanted to tell them things i can't write here. Only one person didn't ask, she simply sent me an "I love you". I don't believe her, the way she treated me, you don't hurt that way the people you love, she was so violent, so abussive, so mean and even years later, i love her and she knew what to say. She knew that asking how i was was stupid and mean. She knew me.

I fell in love this year. This girl, how do i describe her? If rising in love had a face, it would be hers. And she liked me too, she says she does but, as always, someone else came and she likes me but she likes this other girl too.

You know when Santana sang Songbird to Brittany on Glee? The feelings, that's how i felt and suddenly, everything got destroyed. And we still talk, i only told one friend about her, i'm used to being the second choice, i have always been just the side girl people have fun with and that was fine by me, really, but this time, god i feel so humilliated. Why did i even thought i had a chance? I mean, yeah, she confessed to me but still, i should know better. And we still talk althought not as often anymore, i just feel so used. She knows i can't leave, i'm not strong enough and she is a great friend but she broke me. You know who would get me? Santana. But i can't watch Glee since July 2020. I tried. It ended in panic attacks. A child lost his mother and i'm here being a selfish bitch acting like i have a right to be sad for losing the only thing that made me feel safe.

Then, there's my friends. Or ex friends. One of them left, i mean, she has time to find a new boyfriend but not to be with me, fine, whatever. And i'm staying because i'm stupid. Then, the other one, S, okay her dad died in December, exams started, she is stressed. She told me she was not gonna talk to anyone for some time, i was fine, FINALLY someone tells me, FINALLY. But then, stupid me, i asked how everything was going with school. Literally just that and she tells me that if she hasn't talked to me in a month i shouldn't invade her, that i frustrated her. That scared the shit out of me. I just asked how everything was going with school, we went from having Spotify dates every night to that. I'm so scared of talking to her now.

And then M. Fucking bitch M. Last year with me starting all the conversations and her never replying but posting about how awesome her other friends where. I tried, then i thought i would not talk to her for a week cause she will miss me, right? She will miss me asking about her day, talking with me about This Is Us, listening to music together, she would miss me. But no. She didn't miss me for a month, then i brought it up and she said she missed me but she didn't. Then she forgot about my birthday, the most important day for me and she went on to ignore me until March when i asked if we were still friends, she said yes, she apologized over my birthday only after i mentioned it, she didn't even realise she forgot and then, more ignoring me. Me crying every time i saw her online with her other friends, people luckier, more loved than me. Then me telling her i could just not be her friend anymore, what we had wasn't a friendship. The crying got worse, it all ended with a long message from me, telling her about my year. The falling in love, embroidering again, more birth chart readings, everything she missed that year. What did i miss? I don't know. I don't know how her year was. Is school going okay? Did she found a new song she liked? Is she eating and resting? How's everything with her boyfriend? Did she catch up on This Is Us? I know i won't do it, it was our show. I can't. What sense does it make? And then, after that long message, the blocking. The disgusting obsession. I still cry every day, why can't i be her friend? The disgusting obsession of missing her, i stalk her twitter almost every day. I miss her. I broke things up only cause i was hurting yet i keep hurting and i'm more obsessed. I feel disgusting.

Then, my dad. The only man i keep talking to, the one that hurts me, that leaves me waiting alone in places or doesn't show up. He had Covid, i was so scared. I had to be responsible for everything, obviously.

Everyone was so mad at me when i was worried yet when he, the man that told me to kill myself if i so wanted to do it, thought i finally did it, was worried, everyone felt bad for him. And me, growing up scared of losing him, didn't have a right to be worried? How does that work???

I miss watching Glee. I miss being mad at someone and putting on Glee, i miss being sad and watching Glee. I miss Santana. I miss Naya. I miss having something safe. I miss my friends. I miss the love story i didn't get to have. I miss having a little bit of hope, now i don't have any. I know i will live like this forever, getting obsessed and crying my soul out when they leave. Should i stay away from everyone? I miss so many things. I was never happy, not at all, never thought happiness was real but now, i don't even have that hope. I miss eating well, i miss sleeping and i'm scared of it. I miss hurting myself, i miss it SO bad. I need to self harm. I need to hurt myself in order for others not to hurt me and i deserve to hurt because i'm disgusting and obsessive. Why can't people care about me? I hate this. The friends i currently have don't have time to be with me, because no, talking to me is NOT being with me. Quality time is. Why am i not enough? Why does no one want me, not even death? Death doesn't want me. It never works. I'm tired. I'm tired of being so stupid. I'm mad at everyone telling me how amazing i am yet not even bothering to take 5 minutes to listen to a song with me. Why am i here? Why? It makes no sense. I have nothing. My friends clearly don't care enough, my idol is dead, my fish are dead, i can't even see fish without crying. My parents will be so much better without me, they will have more money and less to worry about. Why can't death want me? How many tries does it take? I'm doing it slowly now. Eat less. Sleep less. Give people my stuff, in case they miss me, which they won't. Burn myself a little bit. Doing it slowly. I have nothing left, just my obsessions. Can death want me already? Please do. Please do. I don't wanna be here. I'm too tired.

#may be triggering #bpd thoughts #venting

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