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performativezippers · 2 years

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I really hope you did not bail on continuing the dandelion Inn. That would break my heart a little. As long as I know you will continue/finish it eventually I can wait (very impatiently but still..).

Okay so typically I don't respond to things like this, but ignoring the last few I've gotten here and on twitter obviously hasn't worked, so here we go.

Yeah, don't do this.

You're trying to be funny, but this is a not-at-all-veiled "NEXT CHAPTER WHEN, WRITE MORE." And just...no.

You—and by "you" I mean the group of y'all that send comments like this to me and others, not this anon specifically because I don't know you—obviously mean for this to inspire me to write faster, but what this actually does is piss me off and make me work on something else. Why? Because it's not kind, it treats me like a production machine instead of a person, and it, frankly, makes you seem like an ungrateful asshole. Sorry! But true.

I find that people who write these comments typically—and I literally don't know who you are so idk in this situation—aren't the ones leaving long, detailed, enthusiastic comments on every chapter on every reread. Not the ones earnestly and consistently reblogging and retweeting and writing thoughtful commentary or even excited tags. You come off as an unengaged and ungrateful reader who will leave kudos but nothing else, and two days after I post will be saying "when is the next oneeeee" which is so frustrating.

I spend hours on these chapters. Literal hours of my life. If you want the next one so badly (and to be clear, I'm glad that you do), write me a long ass comment or ask about what you loved in the last chapter and what you're excited to see in the next. That motivates the shit out of me. That makes me happy and excited to write what's next.

This morning I woke up early with the intention of going into the office and working on Dandelion until my first meeting. But instead, I'm writing this. We all lose, basically. I am way less interested in writing it this morning than I was 30 minutes ago. And that sucks! I love writing, I love writing this fic, and I love being engaged with y'all. You just need to treat me like a person and understand that this "write faster, gimme" bs does not work. I don't know anyone this works for, so honestly, just stop it.

Next time you're desperate for another chapter of one of your favorite fics, try this: "Hey, I just reread [x fic] for the [6th] time because I'm obsessed!! My favorite part of this chapter is when [character] said [quote from fic]. I couldn't stop [laughing and my grandma thought I was dying]. Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about what will happen when [character] finds out [secret]. I'm not sure if she's going to [reaction A] or [reaction B] but mostly I just want them to KISS [IN THE RAIN]!!! I love you forever and ever, byeeeee"

And just in case this hasn't landed, here's another way to put it. If you are not in the following situation, I literally do not want to hear your thoughts on how quickly I write. If you're doing all of this, I welcome your feedback on my pace of fic output:

Drafting an original novel

Revising an original novel that is honestly your very best hope of being published and that is about to be sent to publishers

Watching as your second novel, Firefly, one of your loves, slowly dies in the hands of publishers, meaning that your agent, who you have worked with for over 2 years now, has still not made a single fucking penny off of you, and might drop you as a client

Celebrating your wife's birthday and generally spending time with her because you love her and value your relationship with her

Working on a long fic with a partner that you really care about and have a deadline for

Working a day job that is so intense and stressful you literally spent 5 hours the other weekend (on your writing day) ensuring that a student didn't do something to themself. Sorry I couldn't work on Dandelion that day, I need to make sure this person did not die.

Having a chronic, persistent, and ultimately probably terminal disease that makes you so exhausted sometimes you can't lift your head up after a work day

*insert gif I can't find of Lucy saying thanks for playing!*

Like I said, I hate doing this, I hate writing this, I hate responding to this, but ignoring hasn't worked, so here we are. Please don't make me say it again.

#ettiquette #fic comments #don't be a jerk #i am a person #let's never have to have this conversation again please

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bubblesthemonsterartist · 1 year

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2022 Creator’s Self-Love Extravaganza

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works (fics, art, edits, etc.) you’ve created this year and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world in 2022. If you don’t have five published works, that’s fine! Include ideas/drafts/whatever you like that you’ve worked on/thought about, and talk a little about them instead! Remember, this is all about self-love and positive enthusiasm, so fuck the rules if you need to. Have fun, and tag as many fellow creators as you like so they can share the love!

@thelionshymnal dug this one up and while they didn't tag me, I felt the tag in my heart. Therefore, I pulled out the original rules with a little under 24 hours before the calendar flips over to a new year, I think I am safe in saying that my word count for the year is complete.

I did not write a lot this year! Comparatively, at least.* A mere 25,682 words have gone to publish. But it's also been a very disruptive year in that I quit my job of 5+ years, got rid of ALL of my stuff that couldn't fit into a tiny car, drove seven days cross country to a New Better Shinier Job (while writing a final paper), rented a 10 x 10 room above a garage for several months where my cat was very kind by not murdering me, dropped everything to sit at my dad's deathbed, went right back to work the following Monday, finished yet another graduate degree, went on a trip to Maine with friends, moved AGAIN to a much larger much more private space, and uhhh... signed up for yet another degree program. Because I have a problem. Clearly. Oh and I also broke a bone for the first time in my life! It's in my foot! I haven't gone out to do ANYTHING other than get groceries for the last two weeks and it sucks!

2022 has been a lot! More good than bad and overall improvement of everything, but a lot! And I've wanted to write. I've thought a lot about it in the moments before falling asleep! But any progress is still progress and my body comes first these days because in this house we practice self-care.

That being said, what I have put out, I've been immensely proud of. So, in no particular order and without further ado...

On the Event of the Annual Lilias Recruit Hazing Final Exam (ans, gen)

I wrote third person limited! For the first time! It was weird but also a fun to write something where the audience only has the interactions and body language to read.

2. where mended hearts meet (obiyuki, 🍋)

While I haven't been writing proper most of the year, I have been obsessing over @onedivinemisfit's camboy!obi au. It's been my personal problem, like, ever since she first introduced the concept for it and I've been screaming about it every chance that I get. Part of me much much wants to write the whole thing, but also acknowledged that I did not have the time. But also also I knew I was not going to be productive about anything at ALL until I wrote at least a little smutty smut for it. I mean, two consenting adults who are very accommodating of one anothers kinks and traumas? Sign me the fuck up, let's do this.

3. Drabble-Drabble 2022 Challenge (multiple fandoms, multiple pairings, all ratings)

Perhaps because I haven't had a chance to really focus on my writing this year, I wanted to do something uncomplicated. I remember loving drabbles back in my livejournal days. Just being absolutely laid out by 100 words precisely. But I'd never tried it myself so I wanted to give it a shot! I asked and y'all sent in around 30 prompts and I answered 26! It was a blast, highly recommend to anyone out there that wants to try their hand at it.

4. Seven Nights, Night 7 (Hakuouki, Yamachi, 🍋)

I had a moment when I went to see the timestamps of the chapters I worked on this year and it was literally just Night 7 of Seven Nights. It's split into three chapters, but it's 14k words just leading up to the final night, I don't even know what to say, y'all. Yamazaki is just real shy and writing two virgins was a lot harder than I thought (and I already thought it was going to be difficult!). I do really love it, though, they're adorable.

5. Stone Soup (Spy x Family, Yor & Yuri)

I would be remiss if I didn't include the final posted fic of the year (and my first foray into the sxf fandom!). Not only did I write a child's pov, I got to incorporate some real mean food feels into it. All together a real good time! XD

Okay! I've done it! I've said the nice things about me! Now I shall tag people, hmmm... @spoonyglitteraunt @sabraeal @claudeng80 @onedivinemisfit @infinitelystrangemachinex and anyone else who wants a go!

*Word count by year since 2016:

2016- 97,273 2017- 167,645 2018- 138,769 2019- 130,429 2020- 126,435 2021- 91,014 2022- 25,682

#bubbleswrites #about me! meme #writer meme #2022 writer meme #i could've sworn i did one of these last year but i clearly lost whatever i tagged it as #since the last one i found was the 2020 writer meme #also when I was making this I had clearly forgotten some of the fics I wrote #I got to the b-side of pas de deux and was like #oh wow i wrote that?#how neat #good job me have a gold star #now the rest of you!#give yourself gold stars! 🌟💖

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vickypoochoices · 5 years

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ABC Fluffs.

Thank you to @krsnlove for requesting this. It’s been sat untouched in my drafts for a while, so I thought I’d finally get around to satisfying your needs!

I’ll make this ZigxLyla because she’s my most recent MC so I guess she’s still fresh in everyone’s mind. I'm gonna refer to events in Partner In Crime quite a lot so if you haven't read it and are confused, give it a read [HERE].

The L ove confession answer is a little segment taken from an NSFW chapter of PIC. I promise it's tame, I wanted to keep this clean, but consider this your warning. (I don't think it even counts but i just want to make sure no one gets upset at a slightly suggestive piece!) Apart from that, I think it's all cute and fluffy!

Also, I started writing this from Zig's perspective and it just kind of stuck.

Tagging: @zigortega4life @emerald-bijou @littlegreenmoo (I fear the fluff may kill you off, but it feels wrong not tagging you!) @krsnlove @itsalliepg @choicesthot @hustacks

If you want to be tagged/untagged in any of my future stuff, let me know.

[MASTERLIST.]

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them? We literally spend every spare second of the day together! I guess things aren't too different to how they were before. As best friends (and roomies) we always used to be around each other the majority of the time anyway, and as we share the same friend group, hanging out with them has always been something we've done together. We're still the same excitable big kids that chase each other around the apartment half naked. But I have somehow managed to persuade Lyla to join me at this new dance class once a week. She's got two left feet and hates every second of it, but my girl drives a hard bargain. I'm stuck with all the jobs she hates doing taking the garbage out and she's demanding a full body massage as well. I know she loves to moan about it, but I'm sure deep down she's happy to be doing it with me. Maybe.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them? Everything! Every single inch of her is perfect. From her fluffy bedhead hair first thing in the morning to the tiny little scar on her ankle left from when she had chicken pox as a kid. I think what has always drawn me to Lyla though is her sense of humour. We have this banter together that I've never really experienced with anyone else and it's kind of a huge turn on for me.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.? I'm not exactly an extravagant person, and it's not like I have the money to do anything over the top. For me, it's all about the little things. I know Lyla well enough by now to determine what's going to cut it, and whatever it is, I'll do it. I'll run a hot bubble bath or make a last minute dash to the shop for chocolate/ice cream/wine. And making her favourite meal is always going to be a winner. But sometimes patience and understanding is all you need. If that means holding my girl for an hour whilst she smears make up all over my top and let's it all out, then that's what I'll do.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o? In a slightly bigger apartment for starters! Don't get me wrong, we both love our little space, but I guess we both know one day in the future it's not going to be the most practical. Obviously both our mothers have already brought up the subject of grandchildren daily. I'm sure that will all come one day, but for now our dreams have only stretched to getting a pet together. Apparently Lyla is a hundred percent a cat person, but I'm hoping I can work some magic and persuade her that dogs are awesome too. I think that basically sums us up. We haven't planned out what we want to do with our lives or what career paths to take, but our biggest goal is to have a dog pet together!

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive? I wouldn't say either of us are like overbearingly dominant or anything, but if I had to give you a name, i'd say Lyla just about has the edge over me. I'm not saying she walks all over me or that she wears the trousers or anything like that. But sometimes I'll just go along with something for an easy life.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting? If you ignore the little disagreement about what pet we should get and all the shit that went down with Dean, we really don't ever fight. Don't get me wrong, Lyla is stubborn as hell! But I learnt a few things growing up with a house full of sisters, so I'm more likely to let things slide. The only thing I struggle with is when the green eyed monster comes out in Lyla.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them? I know this is so cliche and people always say how lucky they are to call their other half their best friend, but I genuinely can say that. Everything is just so easy with us and Lyla knows me like the back of her hand. There's this other side to her that no one else ever gets to see and I love that it's reserved for me. Just doing simple things like walking around holding hands, showing my girl off to the world, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world that she feels the same way about me. Author's Note: We all know Lyla has every reason to be grateful for the absolute sweetheart that she's bagged herself, despite fucking him in a closet and then running away to her controlling fiance, then telling him to stay away. You sure you're grateful Zig?

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything? I'm making a point now of not keeping anything from Lyla after that spectacularly backfired on me with the whole Cherry thing! Safe to say I've learnt my lesson! I want to protect her with every fiber or my being, but I know a relationship is nothing without honesty and trust.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems? I guess you'd have to ask Lyla about this one for her. I know things were a little crazy with Dick Dean, and I'd like to think I helped her as best I could through all of that during the aftermath. For me though, going through it all pushed me to realise just how much I need Lyla. I depend on her more than I ever thought possible. I was this empty shell of a man that didn't want to get out of bed when she left. I know, I know. It sounds a bit over the top, but it really is true what they say; You don't know what you have until it's gone. And I plan on holding on tight to my girl from now on, and never letting go.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it? I'm not gonna lie, it sucks when I catch a guy checking Lyla out. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna be a dick about it. Knowing I'm the one that gets to take her home to our apartment to sleep in our bed makes things a little easier too. I think she's completely oblivious to any male attention anyway. And as for Lyla, she does have a touch of the green eyed monster from time to time. It's difficult sometimes, especially knowing how strongly I feel for her, and I hope I do a good job of showing her that on a daily basis. But I know that's the kind of thing we have to talk about, instead of letting it blow out of proportion like last time.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like? A reminder of how their first kiss went;

And then their lips collided in a frenzy, neither of them sure who made the first move, past the point of caring. Zig’s nose squished against hers repeatedly as their lips smacked together messily, Lyla’s kisses quickly intensifying, her tongue insistently pleading with his, desperate for permission to continue.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o? Again, a reminder of how that went down;

“I can’t do this when you’ve been drinking. I can’t take advantage.”

“Take advantage? It makes no difference if i’ve had a drink or not. I’ll still love you when I wake up in the morning.”

Zig shook his head sadly, hating the stab of hope he felt inside at the words she’d just said. “And I’ll still love you. Partner in crime, right?”

Lyla pulled back, tearing herself away from his neck. She looked him straight in the eye, hers wide and serious as she spoke. “You’re not listening to me. I’m in love with you Zig. And I’ll be in love with you even when the bubbles are gone and the hangover wears off. I...”

He crushes his lips against hers, walking her backwards and pinning her against the wall, his hands tangling in her hair which had come loose at some point. He pressed his body firmly against her, letting Lyla feel the full affect she had on him. Her hand drifted downwards, fingers stroking his full length through his suit trousers. Zig groaned, before slamming his lips against hers once more, leaving her breathless.

“Tell me again.” He hissed, pressing sloppy kisses down her jawline.

"I’m in love with you Zig.”

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like? It's not something we've talked about but there's no doubt in my mind, Lyla is the love of my life and there's nothing I want more than for her to become Mrs Ortega. One day though. There's no rush right now, despite what our Mum's might want from us. I want to do it right. After all that shit with that sham of a wedding to Dean, Lyla deserves to have the perfect day. I'm not saying i've thought much about how exactly I'd propose, but I do know it would be in the apartment. Regardless of if we still live there or not, that's where it's happening. Candles can make anything look beautiful right? As for the wedding, it can be whatever Lyla wants. We could get married in a castle, church, hotel, barn, even the middle of a mall if thats what makes her happy. As long as our friends and family are there and it's Lyla saying 'I Do', that's all I need.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o? Damn Aaron and his catchy nicknames! Lyla has taken to calling me Ziggypop since I let slip how much I kinda actually hate it. And she's a fan of rolling out my full name from time to time. As for me, I guess I'm kind of boring. I stick to babe/baby. And let's not forget beautiful, because I love how that still makes her smile every time I say it.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings? Well judging by how I reacted after our brief time apart, I'm a miserable prick without Lyla, so I'd say it was pretty obvious for others just how much I love her. I don't really know how to answer that one about what I'm like when I'm in love because it feels like I fell hard for Lyla the minute I laid eyes on her. I've spent years clutching on to those feelings, and hoping people didn't cotton on. We're both guilty of expressing those pent up feelings freely, now that we can.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching? We're definitely that couple that everyone hates. I love Lyla, and I don't care if we're in a room alone or surrounded by people. If I want to kiss my girl then nothing and no one will stop me. And it's not like Lyla holds back either!

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship. I think I'm quite good at reading people, females in particular. Definitely a benefit from growing up in a house full of girls! Nothing really scares me or surprises me now with the opposite sex.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative? What wouldn't I do to make Lyla happy? I've sat through every soppy chick flick known to man with Lyla and I know I'd do the lot. Kissing in the rain, the iconic lift in the water, some sexy pottery making...Seriously though, I know I might joke about it, but all I really want is to see my girl smile, and to be the one making her smile. Whatever she wants, it's done. I might not be full of amazing romantic gestures, but I'll still try my hardest all the same.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them? Lyla will rule the world one day I'm sure of it. I mean, if that's what she wants to do. She's been stressing out recently because she doesn't have her whole life figured out yet, but I'm doing my best to convince her she doesn't have to. She's amazingly smart, and she can pick things up quickly. Whatever she eventually decides on, I'll be there to support her the whole way. Lyla has this awful saying that apparently all of the cool kids say 'Live your best life' that she constantly says to wind me up. And annoyingly it seems to do the trick. I'm planning a few more dance classes just for starters, so she might end up regretting those words of encouragement.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine? Spice up our relationship? That makes me cringe, I hope we never get to that point! Lyla is all about routine in everything. I've watched her do the same things day in, day out for the last three years. And now we're together I'm here to shake things up a little bit. I said shake, not spice! I'm not really making her try out new things forget about those dance classes. I just think life could still be fun if instead of getting up an hour early for work to eat breakfast and slap make up on, she spent that time in bed with me instead. She's too beautiful to hide behind make up, and obviously I wouldn't say no to an extra hour in bed with my girl.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic? Pretty good. I know that Lyla's favourite coffee is a salted caramel machiato with a heart drizzle on top but she doesn't even know that herself. I know she bought a load of cakes in the first time she met my Mum because she wanted to make a good impression, and ended up telling her she'd baked them all herself. The lie still lives on, and Lyla has to fill the sink with dishes everytime Mum visits! And I know that she got her stubborn streak from her father, which explains a lot!

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life? There is no comparison. Aside from my family, Lyla is the single most important thing to me. That question is like asking a fish how important water is to them, that's what she is for me. I don't just love her, I need her.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

"Babe, have you seen my jacket?"

Zig stopped in his tracks, his mouth falling open and his eyes widening in disbelief as he drank in the sight of Lyla.

The shiny black leather was a stark contrast against her pale skin, a touch of pink barely visible as it crept along the exposed flesh of her neck, her long hair twisted to one side.

She stood with her back to him, head cocked to the side as she peered at him from over one shoulder. Her teeth sank in to her full bottom lip in an attempt to suppress a giggle.

Zig swallowed hard as his eyes slowly lowered. Past her small shoulders, the excess material bunching up and hanging off of her. His tongue slowly traced around his lips as his gaze lowered further still, finding her hands bunching up a fistful of leather, the curve of her bare ass now visible. Her hips swayed seductively from side to side, her voice vibrating in her throat as she let out a low purr "This one?"

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle? I think the problem with us has always been that we're too affectionate. Not that I'm complaining! When I hold Lyla it's like I've got the whole entire world just sat there in my arms and I never want to let go. The fact that I can hold her all night long and kiss her sweet lips until we need to come up for air is just an added bonus! So glad we're out of the friend zone!

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of? Something like spending close to every waking minute of the day for weeks on end trying to find a way out of an unwanted marriage for her? Or is that too specific? I would do anything and everything for Lyla. Nothing is too much for the woman I love.

#choices #zig ortega #zig x mc #zig x lyla #fluff alphabet #choices fic #choices fanfiction #choices fandom #choices fanfic archive

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jannepaule · 5 years

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In Retrospect: Black Holes and Dark Days

I’ve been working on this for several weeks, trying to revise it to a much retrospective version. The first draft of this post was dated July 27, 2017— according to my trusty notepad app with 2500 words.

Between 2011 to 2015 were some of my darkest days and to some extent— 2017 the year I wrote the first version of this piece.

Fair Warning: Long Post Ahead.

I was in a bad place during that time but here it goes.

The “D” Word

I've read stories from real people about it. I've heard number of spoken word pieces about it. I've seen countless of articles about it in this wild wicked world of social media. I've seen people who turned it into art.

I was never clinically diagnosed so I have no the right to call my case depression. More importantly, it is something no one should casually throw around to describe whenever you are feeling down.

A lesson I learned is that people should stop using disorders as adjectives. It's unhealthy and destructive.

I am generally an ‘okay’ person but I've had my dark days.

It started after graduation when my high school boyfriend and I broke up. It's silly to admit that even now. I mean who gets depressed over a teenage break-up? People move on and get over it. I did.

However, for a long time I refused to deal with the pain. I thought having a strong facade by not admitting that it hurts and not crying is a sign of strength, it was otherwise. And it does more harm than help in the long run.

Later on I realized that maybe this reaction (or lack thereof) towards a painful experience was an accumulation of all the times I suppressed my emotions.

That's what happened when you grow up in a family that doesn't openly talk about feelings, that a more common response to hurt is anger.

Years of practice of tricking myself not to feel, I developed an automatic blocking system against anything that could potentially hurt. Every negative thought and emotion was boxed and pushed towards deepest part of my head hoping I'd never have to deal with them.

But as Sigmund Freud once said (or written),

"unexpressed emotions will never die they are buried alive and will later come in uglier ways"

And boy it was ugly. It wasn't a 2 AM kind of demon. It haunts you in broad daylight and attack you with ice bullets. If it was anxiety or panic attacks or some sort of condition, I've no idea. And it was all my fault.

Theater Days

I only figured out that something was seriously wrong with me when I joined a theater organization during my college freshman year.

Thespians are the most passionate and most emotional people I've ever known while I stand on the other side, feeling nothing. None. I was empty. There were lots of emotional exercises and scenes from plays that would’ve helped me, but I couldn’t even cry.

I was miserable.

There were days when I literally felt nothing. I laughed and I knew I was happy but I couldn't feel it in my heart. I watched very emotional movies like Miracle in Cell No. 7 and there were scenes that any normal person would be bawling already, but I didn't. My system could not process the feeling.

Detachment was a mean defense mechanism. It suppresses not just the pain but everything else. It leaves you with hollow feeling on your chest.

My Heart and Other Black Holes

There were days when I'd cry for no reason. One moment I was in pain then in one snap-- gone. I feel nothing again.

Other times, I felt like I was being drained, sucking life out of me as I spiral down uncontrollably into an unknown bottom. You know the vacuum sensation? It was terrible. I literally had to catch my breath.

I called it my "black hole episodes". There were black holes residing inside of me for a long time and I didn't know what to do with it.

An incident back when I was doing my internship in a radio station in 2014 was one of the worst episodes. I ended up crying for an hour or two at the HR's office. The HR manager who happened to be some sort of counselor asked me what was wrong and I could have told her everything, she was a shrink anyway. But I couldn't even get my mind straight so much more my feelings. The memory of that afternoon was blurry.

All I remember is her telling me to try talking to someone openly and honestly.

I knew I needed professional help but shrinks are way too expensive. And honestly, I was more scared to find out that it was just all in my head than to know what sort of medical condition I was in.

I wanted to disappear sometimes, amidst all the numbness and emptiness. It’s like being trapped in oblivion.

I wanted to disappear but I still hoped that someone would find me and pull me out of that dark place but I didn't know how to ask for help.

Flash forward to 2015

Before I started dating a guy from my first job after college, I had one major episode that worried the shit out of my him and my friends. So I told him about my blackholes and finally, I felt like someone is willing to listen. Even when I couldn't explain the things going on inside my head he just listened, patiently.

The thick walls I built around myself started crumbling down. The flood gates of my heart opened and somehow, I felt lighter each day. I started feeling genuinely happy again. That shrink from the radio station was right after all. I just needed someone to talk to.

We had a brief time together but I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. It was batshit crazy, but I felt every tiny bit of it. The blackholes are gone but so he is.

I was devastated and hurting everywhere literally and figuratively but I allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry all I want, and to mourn for as long as I needed to. I was drowning but that time I didn't feel empty. I still thought of skipping all of those excruciating times but thank God, someone a.k.a my favorite team leader sat me down ane told me this:

“You know better than anyone why you need to go through this. You are so much braver and stronger than what you give yourself credit for,”

Looking back, it was the bravest time of my life. I confronted all my fears of feeling pain. For the first time, I didn't run away from it. I nursed my wounded heart like a normal person.

I was blessed with people who were my guiding light through that journey.

I’ve moved on and no longer in love with that person, in case you’re wondering.

The Bad Bitch of a Black Hole is Back

2017 was another awful cruel year. I had a relapse after trying so hard to be okay for so long. Bad case of rejections, job being terribly toxic, and my whole life was a mess. The blackholes came back, just dressed up as adult problems. My life was falling apart AGAIN and I was lost. I couldn’t focus.

I watched my plans fail and slip away from my fingers and did nothing to stop it. 2017 was so much worse because even if I wanted to run away, I didn't have the energy and will power to do it.

I needed help. I don’t know how but I was sure as hell that I didn’t want to go back in that shithole ever again. I thought writing would help me get it out of my system, it did. I talked to some friends, subscribed to an online life coach for advice, and learned to practice mindfulness via Headspace app. I prayed so hard to make it all go away.

I honestly still couldn’t remember how I did all those things and managed to pull myself out of that dark place. My best guess? Divine intervention. Thank God and all the angels for not letting me get swallowed by darkness.

I look back and see how far I’ve come. It was a long tiring personal battle I had to brave through to be in a better place where I am today. No more blackhole episodes since 2017 and if ever the bitch decides to show up again, I know I would make it out alive like I always do. Hopefully, it wouldn’t.

Communicating my feelings is still a struggle up to this day but knowing how to acknowledge them is always the first step. Still growing and learning to cope up with all the things life is throwing at me. The process of healing is long, painful, sometimes boring and questionable but I don’t think I would ever do it otherwise.

Being able to write this in retrospect is a milestone worth-celebrating. A long dark chapter of my life was over. I am grateful.

Thank you for reaching this part, dear stranger. This is probably the only time I will ever share about this. I hope you know that this is a personal experience and does not mean to say that you need to get your heart broken to get over a dark phase in your life. We all have different ways to process experiences.

I hope you find the courage to ask for help from the people you trust and professionally, if you must.

I pray that if you’re going through dark times, may you always believe that there is a light that never goes out.

Sincerely, J. 🖤

#personal #non fiction

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