#usually titanic related things dont affect me so hard other than a distant sense of mourning

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

i watched a documentary about the Titanic (one of those "real time" animations on YouTube) and was once again struck by the musicians playing till almost the very end. except this time i learned that their final song was "Nearer My God To Thee", which actually made me start crying

i'd always considered it an act of kindness to the rest of the passengers, but now i'm certain it was at least partially for themselves. they were musicians dedicated to their instruments and knew the likelihood of survival was slim. so rather than fight the remaining 1500 people for the last 100 or so seats on the lifeboats, and leaving behind the instruments that were rarely far from their hands, they played.

i'm a choir kid, and my brother was an orchestra kid. music is how both of us cope with hard times. when i'm afraid or hurting or grieving, i sing. when the world feels like it's shattering around me, i sing, i sing, and i sing until my throat closes and my voice crumples.

(in more amusing light, just ask anyone i play online games with, anytime i get spooked or chased by a baddie, i do literally start singing like i was in the middle of an opera)

sure, maybe the musicians on the Titanic wanted to play a lullaby to the passengers in hopes of easing their last moments, but i'm now convinced they mostly did it for themselves. not selfishly, music is never selfish, it's always an act of sharing.

if i were a professional orchestral musician, my life would revolve around the instrument i play. i might know the instrument better than any human partner. and if i knew that this would be my last chance to play a beautiful song before being swallowed by the Atlantic, i'd play it over and over and over until gravity and ice cold water forces me to let go.

not to comfort the passengers anymore, they're beyond comfort now. i'd play simply so that the last thing i hear before the water takes me is the sound of my cello, or violin, or viola, or double bass softly crooning the saddest, gentlest hymn to the night. i'd want to feel the vibrations under my fingers no matter how frozen they are, because i won't be able to do it ever again.

what the fuck i'm crying again. i always had an appreciation for the musicians, but it didn't actually strike me so hard until i related to them on a personal level. i don't think they were trying to be heroes, they were just taking comfort in their own craft.

#tink rambles #titanic #usually titanic related things dont affect me so hard other than a distant sense of mourning #but nah this one fucks me up #music #choir #orchestra