#unless it’s a cishet transphobe who misgenders you on purpose. but yeah

[appreciatingtokrev]

okay so i.. just gotta vent/rant. don’t read if you’re uncomfy? also brief tw! suicide mention in the 2nd last paragraph

i can’t exactly tell you why yet, but god, i’m not okay right now. i’m angry. sad. hurt. i feel played. yk, my ex is abro & genderfluid? i think? at least their insta says that, tho idk how often they update that. but his whatsapp pfp currently has an mlm & a trans flag on it, so, at least rn, they’re trans mlm and i think he goes by he/they? and, like, i’m happy they’re comfy in his identity and all that shit. like, pop off, ig. nice you can be you. but i feel so fucking played by this goddamn bitch. at least i’m now 100% sure that i’ll never ever go back to them no matter what?

when we were in a relationship (that was uh 8 months in 2020/2021, from october until very early june) he basically forced the label 'woman' onto me. back then, they were a non-binary lesbian going by they/she, i think. not too sure about the pronouns, but that doesn’t really matter. the problem was the label lesbian. they knew well before our relationship that i identify as demiboy. and for me, there was nothing lesbian or wlw about that. i identified as omni ace, with a pretty big mlm lean. they knew there was zero girl in me and still identified as a lesbian, saying i’m an 'exception' and all that stuff. tbh, i don’t think he ever saw me as anything that doesn’t include girl or is heavily male. and, idk, i’m just fucking angry. because, now, after a year, he’s fucking gay. they’re identifying as a person that could be attracted to me with labels that i’d be okay with in a relationship. (like, idc if you’re lesbian & attracted to me. kinda contradictory with my identity, idc tho. but as soon as we’re dating & you’re a lesbian, i’m not comfy.) it’s fucking with my head, fr. why?? why could he never be gay for me??? why did they have to be lesbian?? i forced myself to be genderfluid for them. we called our relationship lesbian because he wanted to. i ignored all of me and tried to identify as a non-binary lesbian for them, just so he’s comfy. and now, suddenly, he’s fucking mlm.

i know they aren’t at fault for identifying the way they do, but it fucking hurts. like, i made myself out to be a whole other person for 8 months!!!! eight!! while not comfy at all!! and 4 out of those, i wasn’t even happy, and only stayed bc i was 99% sure he’d go kill himself once i break up and i was so fucking afraid of that!!!!!

i can’t fucking put the shit i’m feeling right now into words. i’m not livid. i’m not bawling my eyes out. i guess i’m just angry. pained. disappointed. hurt. idk. but not happy, not happy at all.

#idk just a rant/vent #i fucking hate them. i hate them!! i hate him!!!!!!!!! #i hate him so much. i hate them! i hATE THEM!!! I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!! #sorry that felt good. that was very good i wish i could’ve screamed it #man i’m so. fuck i hate him so shitty fucking much!! there’s not enough swear swords to describe it #i could fill books with all of the things i want to tell them but i don’t think it’ll ever be enough #it makes me very sad too. we had an amazing relationship as besties #(at least before i noticed how toxic he actually was all the time lol) #ngl i don’t think i was a lot better but i can’t remember any of my actions so i’ll never know for sure #also. no. i’ll never forgive them. and i’m okay with that #and no. i don’t think talking it all out is an option. i don’t think we could ever work together again #no matter in what relationship #i want to tell him all of these things but i don’t even know where to start #maybe i should really just write books lol #also look at me trying to gender him correctly and use the correct pronouns. they’re a fucking ass #but ig he still deserves the basic right of not getting misgendered #and no this isn’t me trying to look like a good person #this is me trying to get people to understand that misgendering is never okay #unless it’s a cishet transphobe who misgenders you on purpose. but yeah #no misgendering people you hate ty

[perihel1on]

why are the cis... Like That. like my best friend, she isn't transphobic per se, she does honestly try to be an ally but there's just... so many little things... she does that eat at me and i'm SUCH A COWARD i don't know how to bring up my concerns so all i can do is make venting posts like this ghsjfjksjf like 1. doesn't seem to recognize the importance of using someone's correct name and pronouns whenever it is safe to do so, regardless of whether they're out in real life? our mutual friend is out on the internet as a trans girl but closeted in real life, and she continues to refer to her as 'he/[deadname]' in conversation with me even though we're both well aware of her identity. 2. following from the above, she'll use 'they' for me generally but when my brother (who i'm out to) was misgendering me in group chat, not only did she not comment on it she REVERTED BACK TO USING SHE/HER FOR ME HERSELF LIKE GIRL!!! WTF!!!! [okay i did actually call them on that one, it took me two days to work up the courage but i was LYING AWAKE THINKING ABOUT IT SO--] 3. me: *gushing about When the Moon Was Ours, a beautifully written book with a trans boy POV character, who's in a relationship w/ the other POV character, a cis girl* friend: yeah, bless [author] for giving us the good gay content me: ...uh well he's a trans boy so the main romance in the story is actually straight. her [uncomfortable]: ...oh, well, yeah, technically. me: *screaming internally WHAT DO YOU MEAN TECHNICALLY HE IS A BOY IT IS STRAIGHT THERE IS NOTHING GAY ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP UNLESS YOU DON'T SEE HIM AS BEING FULLY HIS GENDER--* 4. either forgetting about the T, or intentionally using 'gay' as an umbrella term for the whole community like... her [a lesbian]: contemporary LGBT poetry is amazing but everything else is so boring. cishets are banned from writing poetry, gays only now, go home me: *screaming internally again... are trans ppl not contemporary lgbt poetry, or does it only count if they're gay--* like... i really should just correct her when it comes up bc i KNOW she's not doing it on purpose i just... gh... aggh

#aphelion.txt #long post #gender stuff #misgendering #transphobia jic #caps