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croimilis · 2 years

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If the World was Ending

title: if the world was ending

character: jake ‘hangman’ seresin x ex!reader (he calls them peach/peaches)

rating: 13+

words: 10k +

themes: angst, hurt-comfort

warnings: hangmans an asshole (with good intentions), cursing, alcohol, drunkneness, crying, heartbreak, soft hangman, discussions of depressive episode, minor snooping?

summary: “would you love me for the hell of it? all our fears would be irrelevant”

Despite breaking up 5 years ago, you are the one person Jake would turn to if the world was ending, which it might be given he thought the only time he would see you again would be the end of the world. The worst part, he didn’t even mean to call you. Didn’t even know your cell number was still in service, or that you were in the same city as him and yet here you are, ushering him gently into your car and taking him home.

a/n: this is part of the ‘fly me to the moon’ universe. parts of this are rushed and not great as i wanted to get it out, never the less, i hope you enjoy.

tags: @xoxabs88xox

Jake was absolutely fucked, the room was spinning and he could barely stand by himself and had to be supported by Coyote, who was currently helping him out of the bar. They were the last two standing from the group of Rooster’s groomsmen who had gone out for an unofficial bachelor party and Coyote only really stayed to make sure Hangman didn’t hurt himself or drown himself in his sorrows completely.

Coyote leans his best friend against the brick wall of the bar and looks him up and down with a sigh. Hangman was usually so good at holding his liquor, was good at making sure he didn’t overdo it and yet here he was, as if he was a barely legal college student experiencing the freedom of legally drinking once again. He was a mess and Coyote didn’t know what to do with him.

Coyote crossed his arms and gave his friend a stern look, “Stay here.” He goes only a foot or so away to make a call, his eyes lingering on Jake to make sure he did as he was told. As the person on the other side of the phone answers with a soft hello, Coyote turns away for a few seconds.

In that time, Jake clumsily fishes his phone out of his pocket and struggles to unlock it, entering the passcode in wrong twice before face id kicked in and it unlocked automatically. He smiled wistfully at the image on his home screen, it was years old but it was still one of his favourites that he transferred between phones. In his inebriated state, he only wanted one person and he scrolled through his contacts until he reached the one he wanted in the ‘L’ section labelled as ‘love of my life’.

He presses the call button, like he had done a million times before but unlike the times before it doesn’t ring out. Instead, after a few rings, there's an answer and a soft and muffled ‘hello?’ is spoken from the other side. Jake's eyes widened slightly and his head rolled back against the brick of the bar. He wasn’t expecting you to pick up, certainly wasn’t expecting to hear your voice again after 5 years and the sound made him dizzy.

Another ‘hello?’ comes through the line, this time followed by a gentle “Jake?” He smiles at the sound, having missed it all these years, and melts a little on the inside the same way he used to when you were his. “Miss ya peaches.” His words slur together and, combined with the southern twang of his accent now fully presenting itself, you struggle to understand what he’s saying, your eyebrows creasing together as you slowly sit up in your bed,

“Why are you calling me at 3am?” Your voice is soft, but still holds a firmness in it that you usually used when you were cross at him. Despite the crossness in your tone, he still relished in the sound and closed his eyes to memorise your voice once again. A few seconds of silence roll by and Jake hears shuffling on your side, you’re moving to swing your legs off your bed, shoving your feet into the running shoes you always kept by your bed.

“Jake.” He hums in response, and you roll your eyes on the other side. You knew rightly that he was drunk beyond belief, it was the only time the cocky pilot was ever this quiet and not firing off some flirty remark. “Where are you?”

His eyes look at the signboard outside the bar, the writing was blurry and unfocused and if only the goddamn thing would stop spinning he would be able to tell you for certain where he was, “The Fo…Frog and the…” He squints his eyes to see if that would help, it didn’t really, “meal..smart”

Your eyebrows pinch together in confusion and you let out a small sigh, the gears in your mind grinding to try and make sense of what he was saying when it finally hit you, “You mean the Dog and the Metal Smith in San Diego?”

“That’s the one.” You can hear the grin in his voice through the speaker and you just sigh as you lift yourself from your bed, grabbing an old jumper that was on your vanity as you walked past, “Stay there, I’m coming for you”.

You hang up your phone and Hangman lets a goofy smile spread across his face, one that has Coyote concerned as he turns back to his friend, his own conversation over. Jake looked like the cat that ate the canary the way his lips spread in a cheshire cat grin and so Coyote approached him apprehensively.

“Hangman…” He places a hand on his friend's shoulder, leaning down slightly so he could look Jake’s slouched form in the eyes, “Phoenix is gonna be here in 15 to bring us home.”

A giggle passes through Hangman’s lips and Coyote almost flinches back, it was a sound he hadn’t heard from Jake before. It was foreign and a far cry from the confident man he knew, more so verging on a sound made by a lovesick school girl when discussing their crush, and suddenly Coyote’s concern level rises.

“Jake….dude are you okay?” Jake looks at Coyote, and he looks almost as love sick as he sounded, “(Y/N)’s coming to get me Javy”.

Coyote lets out a small sigh, eyes trailing over his friend with sympathy. 5 years later and he still wasn’t over you. “(Y/N)’s not coming buddy.”

Another giggle passes through Hangman’s lips as he thrusts his phone toward Coyote, the device still unlocked, and Coyote takes it from his hands with a questioning glance before he looks at it. It was on the recent call screen and there it was, “Love of my life….5:00”. Coyote still didn’t believe it. The number could have been reassigned to someone new and Hangman was probably just mumbling incoherent nonsense to some poor stranger on the other line. Coyote was going to break the news to Hangman, but one look at his friend's face and he stopped. He looked hopeful, almost childlike with glee, and Coyote couldn’t take that away from him.

It had been obvious since Rooster had announced his engagement to Angel that something was off with Hangman, the other’s didn’t notice it but having known the Texan for so long Coyote noticed. Though he smiled and congratulated the couple, it didn’t really reach his eyes. Instead, there was a lingering sadness in his eyes and maybe a look of regret. And usually, Jake was the life of the party but the night of the announcement, and even tonight, Jake was quiet and reserved. Keeping to himself for most of the night, simply observing the rest of the pilots as they celebrated with eyes glazed over as though his mind was a million miles away.

Coyote had his suspicions as to why, had managed to pull a small confession from the man after a few beers at his place, though it was like trying to pull teeth, in which Jake admitted to that it reminded him of the biggest mistake of his life. Coyote was then able to put the pieces together, he knew what Jake's biggest regret was, it was you. Well, not you as a person, not your relationship with him, god your relationship with him was probably the best thing that ever happened, what he regretted was leaving.

Coyote let out a small sigh before leaning against the wall beside his friend, watching him from the corner of his eye as he simply stared up at the sky with a lovesick look and a goofy grin on his face. He was going to be heartbroken when he realises you weren’t actually coming. They stand for that for a little bit, Hangman simply staring up at the starless sky and Coyote watching him carefully to make sure he doesn’t tumble to the ground and hurt himself, or choke on his own vomit.

The sound of a car pulling up causes Coyote to turn his eyes away from Jake for a few seconds to check if it was Phoenix who had pulled up, it shouldn’t have been because she had said she was going to be at least 15 minutes and it had only been about 10, and it isn’t. The car that pulls up is an old ford truck that Coyote instantly recognises from the bit of customised body work on the side of an apple tree with your family name through the bark. His eyes widen and his jaw goes slack as you climb out of the driver's side, having instantly spotted the inebriated blonde leaning against the wall.

“(Y/N)”

He tries, and fails, to hide the shock in his voice and his face as you give him a small smile. “Hey Coyote.”

He props himself up from the wall and gives you a hug, you were friends before everything went down and he missed you. “What are you doing here?” You return the hug and give him a small squeeze, you adored Coyote and had missed him as well. The two of you would frequently have wine nights together whenever he was in town while you and Jake were still together.

“I’ve come to take the cowboy home.”

As you pull away from Coyote your eyes rake over Jake's figure slumped against the wall, he had yet to see you instead keeping his eyes on the night sky his mind somewhere other than the present moment. You had only seen Jake this drunk once before, it was at a frat party while you were in college (he had gotten some time away from the naval academy and had come to visit you) and he had got into a testosterone filled competition with one of the members and ended up doing a high number of mystery shots and a keg stand. The night ended with you dragging him back to your room at your sorority next door and Jake admitting to be in love with you.

“Do you know where he lives?”

You look up at Coyote and shrugged your shoulders, “I don’t but I don’t live too far and was planning on bringing him to mine.” Coyote nods slowly at your words, he had a small smile on his face and his eyes were soft. He was surprised you were here, mainly because he wasn’t convinced Jake had actually managed to get in contact with you but also because he knew Jake had broken your heart 5 years ago, your life had fallen apart because of the man and yet, here you were. You always were a caring soul, one that was prepared to drop everything for someone you loved and cared for no matter how long ago it was you loved them.

“It might be best to take him to his own place, that way he’s close to base if he gets called in suddenly, I can give you the address.”

“Okay, let me get him into the truck first”

You approached Jake slowly, afraid to startle him with how drunk he is but he fails to notice you even as you stand directly in front of him. He was well and truly gone and you wondered if he would remember any of this in the morning. You reach out and gently touch his shoulder.

“Jake?” Your voice is soft, again trying not to startle the man, and you could swear that the goofy smile he was wearing got bigger at the sound of your voice. Slowly his head dips forward from where it was leaning against the wall so that Jake is now looking at you.

“Peaches!” While your voice had been soft and quiet, Jake’s was loud and a little high-pitched as he called your name out in surprise, and you jump at it slightly since you weren’t expecting the volume. Jake clumsily pushes himself off the wall, standing to his full height while stumbling a little, and wraps his arms around your body to pull you into a tight hug.

You let out a small grunt at the force he uses to pull you into him and though you wrap your arms around Jake, more so to steady the tall blonde than anything, you cringe at the smell. You were used to Jake smelling fresh, like clean linens and whatever aftershave or cologne he was wearing, but now he absolutely stunk of whiskey and cheap beer. You scrunch your nose up at the smell and Coyote chuckles at the sight, causing you to flip him off as you manage to pull back from Jake’s death grip.

“Let’s get you home cowboy.”

Jake hums and sways where he stands as you fully separate from him and take a step back expecting him to follow you, but he just stands there with the goofy, toothy grin still on his face as he watches you. You huff and cross your arms over your chest, looking over to Coyote for help, “Come on cowboy, I ain’t strong enough to carry ya.”

Instead of replying, he just reaches his arms out to you wanting nothing more than to have you in them once again. You sigh again and Coyote lets out another chuckle, which gets a quick glare from you, but he steps forward and wraps his arms around his friend. “C’mon bud, let’s get you into the truck.”

You mouth a quick ‘thank you’ to Coyote as you walk around and open the door of your truck as Jake stumbles behind you with the help of Coyote. “C’mon, in you get.”

You step to the side of the door to allow Jake to climb in, which he struggles to do. He misses the step a few times, causing giggles to spill from his lips every time he misses and small ‘yes!’ to slip when he finally gets the step and manages to push himself into the truck. You affectionately roll your eyes at his antics and smile to yourself as you reach in and make sure his seatbelt is buckled.

As you finish buckling him in, he reaches for your face and turns you toward him for a kiss but you swerve your head just in time so his lips land on your cheek instead. You close your eyes as you feel your heart clench at the action, and you hate yourself for it especially as you close the door and see the sad look in his eyes and pouting lips. But you have to ignore it, if you didn’t your resolve would break and you would be left heartbroken all over again.

You join Coyote at the front of the car and lean against the hood with your arms crossed, matching his pose but your eyes are cast to the sky while his lingers on you. You sit in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the soft summer breeze and the presence of one another. You always felt safe with Coyote, like you could lay the very secrets of the universe at his feet and he wouldn’t tell a soul, his energy was calming.

The quiet was broken by Coyote, who had been eying you up and down with his eyes lingering on the oversized jumper with a faded imprint of ‘Navy’ on your figure that obviously belonged to Jake at one point in time.

“I can’t believe you came.” You shifted from looking towards the sky to looking toward the ground as you let out a small sigh before looking up at Coyote.

“Neither can I.”

“Why did you?”

You sigh once again, something you seem to be doing a lot tonight, and shrug your shoulders as you chew on your bottom lip. You didn’t even know why you came yourself, for all intents and purposes you should absolutely despise Jake Seresin. Should hate him with your entire being. Yet, you can’t. Something inside of you just refuses to let you hate him, probably that stupid part of your heart and mind that still clings onto the love you had for him.

“I don’t know.”

Coyote doesn’t question you further and the two of you fall into silence once again, one that Coyote once again breaks as he glances back at your car. “Can’t believe you're still driving this thing.”

You snort and smile up at him, “Please, as if I was gonna let him into my jag like this.”

Coyote lets out a low whistle as he raises an eyebrow, “A jag? Damn girl, have you gone all upper class on us?” You roll your eyes and push at his shoulder with a laugh. You had genuinely missed Coyote, missed the banter with him.

“How ya getting home, Javy?”

“A friend, Phoenix..er.. Natasha is coming to get me.”

You nod your head, a contentment settling inside you knowing that Javy was going to be safe seeing as your truck only fit you and Jake into it. Speaking off, you glance back into the car and see that Jake had his head thrown back against the headrest with his eyes closed. He looked like he was sleeping and part of you felt relieved that you wouldn’t have to try and converse with the drunk Texan while you brought him home.

“Speaking off, here she is.”

You look back ahead of you, seeing a brunette step out of a car with a bit of a sour look on her face, probably from being woken up at such an unreasonable hour to come pick up her idiot friends. Coyote turns to you as she approaches, telling you Jake's address and giving you a tight hug that you gladly return and whispering a quiet ‘take care of him’ as he pulls away.

“Don’t worry, I’ll uh… I’ll stay the night. Make sure he doesn’t choke to death in his sleep, y’know.” Coyote chuckles at your comment and places a quick kiss to your forehead as you round him and head to the driver side door, hearing the brunette grumpily ask who you and why you have Jake in your van, smiling slightly as Javy simply says your an old friend before the conversation fades out as you close the door.

---

For the most part, the drive back to Jake's place is relatively quiet. He had, in fact, fallen asleep in the five minutes you stood with Coyote and waited for his ride to arrive. The only sound is the rumbling of your engine alongside the soft snores and grumbling that fall from Jake’s lips until a rough speed ramp jolts him awake.

Waking with a start, Jakes head whips from side to side as he tries to figure out where he was, if only the world around him would stop spinning for two seconds. He groans loudly, head falling forward as he closes his eyes to stop the spinning and the nausea starting to creep its way through his body.

“Sorry.” Your voice is gentle as you glance at him from the side of your eye, concern falling into place on your face as you watch the aviator try and right himself. Another small groan falls from Jake’s lips in response as he lifts his palms and digs them into his eyes, rubbing gently at them in a desperate attempt to prevent the spinning from happening again once he opens his eyes.

“Here” You had reached down into the console beside you and lifted a bottle of water that you had grabbed from your fridge as you rushed out the door, the bottle was slightly slippery with the condensation that covered it. Jake's eyes opened, and though the world had stopped spinning like he was on a carousel it swayed gently and he was still seeing double, something that was evident as he reached for the bottle of water and missed.

After a few tries, in which his face scrunches up in concentration, he finally gets it and gives a small mumbled ‘thank you’. You smile to yourself, biting down on your lip to suppress the giggle that was bubbling its way to the surface slowly, which became even more difficult as Jake struggled to open the bottle in his hands.

Finally a small giggle slipped past your lips and Jake's look of concentration finally broke as he smiled at the sound, you always had the most beautiful laugh and he was so happy he got to hear it again in person. In the time since you’re break up, on nights he couldn’t sleep, he would watch old videos he had taken of you just to hear your laugh after he told some stupid joke. It was during the nights that Jake missed you the most, when he was at his most vulnerable and the adrenaline from the day faded, leaving him with little to distract him from his thoughts.

Which was how he found himself with a new woman in his bed almost every night, his reputation as a playboy developing out of a habit of not wanting to be alone. Of wanting something, or someone there to distract him. But even then it didn’t help, when the fun was over and the women were asleep his mind still drifted, memories of you at the forefront of every thought and how no one would ever compare to you.

Jake had regretted breaking up with you every day of his life since he left, but Jake Seresin was nothing if not a proud man and refused to acknowledge the regret, instead burying it so deep inside himself that he came of as callous or cruel whenever someone mentioned your name and he simply dismissed it, moving the conversation on in such a manner that it made it seem like he regretted the relationship itself, though that was such a far cry from the truth. Each day he craved and yearned for you, but he was too proud to admit it.

Too proud to admit he had made a mistake. Too proud to let anyone know that every night he lay awake and thought about having you in his arms once again, thinking about what would have happened if he had stayed. Would you have settled down by now? Would you be living the picket-fence dream that you have had since you were a child? You and him and a couple of little rugrats running around one of your family farms? He imagined it all in those sleepless nights, how much different life would have been and how much happier he could have been if he had just stayed.

Jake says nothing as he finally manages to unscrew the lid of the water bottle and downs the entire bottle, it doesn’t sober him up completely but it makes the room stop spinning a little and it settles the nausea climbing up his throat. He wants to speak, wants to say anything just to have a conversation with you but a little voice in the back of his mind tells him he’s better staying quiet. Better not ruining a moment he may never experience again. Better off just basking in your presence in the car next to him.

The silence between the two of you isn’t awkward like one would expect, it’s calm and serene as if you were simply two friends, maybe two lovers on a midnight drive just watching the lights of San Diego whizz by as you drive. But it had been a long time since the two of your were lovers, an even longer time since you were just friends, and a voice in the back of your mind reminds you not to get comfortable that when morning comes you would leave before he ever wakes up and that he probably won’t even remember anything, so there was no point in trying, no matter how desperately your heart was screaming at you that this was your chance to rekindle the love you once had for Jake. The love you truthfully still had for him if you were to be honest with yourself, but you were rarely honest with yourself when it came to your emotions. It was hard to be after locking them away for so long.

You arrive in Fightertown quite quickly, the streets of San Diego almost completely empty and letting you drive without having to stop, and you’re quick to follow street signs until you reach the street Coyote told you slowing down the car and looking at the house numbers as you drove past to make sure you were stopping at the right one. Though, you ended up not needing to use the numbers recognizing Jake’s pride and joy sitting in the driveway, the same old truck he got in high school that he meticulously maintained to this very day.

You smile to yourself, pulling into the space behind it before turning to Jake, who was already staring at you with a small smile on his face and a wistful look in his eyes. It was a look you were all too familiar with, one you wore yourself countless times whenever anyone brought Jake up or when you visited home and you passed by Jake’s family ranch, his parents always wanted to see you but you always claimed you were busy.

It would have broken your heart to see them, they had been like family to you growing up and even more so when you and Jake got together with his mom and nana always insisting that they knew you and their Jake were gonna get married one day. You had seen them once since the breakup, at your brother's wedding a year after you broke up and they insisted that their Jakey was still in love with you, that he always wrote to them and always always asked about you and how you were doing but that just tore your heart to shreds again after you had just started to piece it back together again. So you hadn't seen them since, it was selfish and you knew that, knew they missed you because your momma always let you know that they were asking about you and when you were gonna come see them, but you couldn’t put yourself through that pain again.

You’re shaken from your thoughts by Jake's soft voice calling out the all too familiar nickname he had given you in high school, “Peaches?” You let out a shaky breath and blink away the tears starting to form your eyes as Jake reaches out to wipe them away before they fall, and gods do you wanna reach over and pull him into you.

Hold him tight to your chest and never let him go again, kiss him again and again until your lips are totally and completely bruised because even drunk out of his mind he was still the most handsome man you had ever seen and his hands on your cheeks almost burned from the heat radiating of them and the blush quickly rushing over your cheeks.

It was actually the first time he had really touched you since you met him at the bar, had fleetingly touched you to try and kiss you when you buckled him in but this was different. This was tender and soft as he wiped at your lash line as tears continued to fill your eyes despite your best attempts to keep them down. It reminded you of all the times Jake had held you while you went through law school with every breakdown and exam and rejection. It reminded you of when he loved you and that thought almost ripped your heart out because he didn’t love you, not anymore. He made that clear the day that he left.

Jerking your head away from his hands, you rub at your eyes as you quickly climb out of your truck and take a few deep breaths before making your way over to Jakes to open the door, prepared to help him out but he manages by himself, only stumbling slightly as he starts towards his door. You were avoiding looking at him, so you miss the frown that has settled on his face, miss the heartbreak in his eyes at the fact that you had pulled away from him.

You close the door to the jeep, locking it as you walk towards Jake who is fighting with his front door, trying and failing to insert the key into the door. The frown that was on his face had been replaced by a look of frustration with his eyebrows knitted together revealing the furrows that had formed on his forehead over time. Gently you reach out, taking the key from him and insert into the door and turning until you feel it unlock. You open the door and step back, letting Jake step into his home with you following behind and slipping your shoes off at the door.

“Okay cowboy, let’s get you to bed.” You watch as Jake stumbles about a little, leaning against the walls for support as he slowly makes his way through the halls of his home with you following behind to make sure he didn’t truly fall and injure himself. After about a 5 minute struggle of stumbling and having to stop every second for Jake to lean against the wall to gain his bearings, you finally make it to his room where he flops down on the bed face first.

You let out a small sigh and poke him on the back a few times, “C’mon you, you can’t sleep in your jeans.” With his face buried into the blanket, Jakes words are muffled and you can’t quite make them out but you were sure he was arguing with you so you just turn away from him and scan the room looking for a dresser. When your eyes land on them, you walk over and begin rifling through them to find a set of sweats and a t-shirt that he could throw on.

You quickly find a shirt and move onto the last drawer of the dresser, as you pull it out you notice a photo wedged in between all the sweat pants in the drawer (seriously why did one man need so many sweatpants?). Part of you wants to ignore it but another part is filled to the brim with curiosity and you have an internal battle with yourself as to whether or not you should reach in and have a look.

Ultimately your curiosity wins out and you finally realise why the saying is curiosity killed the cat, the photo is of you and Jake a week before your breakup at your sister's wedding. You looking stunning in your bridesmaid dress and Jake handsome as ever in his fresh pressed suit but where Jake would usually be wearing his cowboy hat, you had it on instead and you both had the widest grins on your face. Your eyes scanned the photo with a sombre smile as your heart constricts as what should have been one of the best weeks of your life, celebrating your sister and her new husband, quickly became your worst.

Quickly, you shove the photo back into its place and pull out a pair of sweats while wiping the tears from your eyes. With sweats and shirt in hand you walk back over to the bed and poke Jake in the back once again, “I’m going to get you some water and advil for the morning. You better be changed by the time I get back.”

The tone of your voice is one you usually reserve for clients, or your niece and nephew when you have to be strict with them, its one that demands respect and obedience and Jake lifts his head just enough for you to head a slurred “yes ma’am” pass his lips. You nod your head at the response and leave the room, giving Jake privacy to get changed, and head to the kitchen you passed on the way in.

It was a mess, takeout wrappers were lying all over the counter and there were empty beer bottles on the small island, dishes were piled up everywhere and it shocked you. Jake was a clean man, the navy had drilled a certain level of cleanliness into him and even before that you knew his momma had drilled it into him.

You quickly shake the shock out of your system with a shake of your head, it was not your problem. With a quick look through the various cupboards you find a clean glass and fill it almost all the way to the top with water, and quickly find a small drawer full of various medicine including advil which you pop 2 out of the packaging.

Once you have everything you need, you make your way back to the bedroom and see Jake has managed to get himself out of his clothes but was struggling to get his sweats on, hopping about on one leg as he struggled to get the second leg in. You cock your head to the side slightly, looking at him with an amused smile as he continues to hop around for a few seconds before finally managing to get both legs into the sweats and pulling them onto his hips. Which you were glad for, because you were not prepared to help him get dressed.

Jake plops himself back into bed, this time on his back, as you place the water and advil beside his alarm clock, making sure to keep your back to Jake as you did not want to see that lovestruck look he seemed to have since you picked him up. You also knew that if you turned round and acknowledge him, he would try and convince you to get into bed with him. To stay the night cuddled up in his arms, and while you missed cuddling up with Jake, this was not the time or place for you to do that. No, you were gonna stay on the sofa and leave in the morning.

Quickly you turn away from Jake and leave his room, missing the pout on his lips and the way his hands reach out to you for a hug, closing the door behind you just enough that you couldn’t see him but would be able to hear him if he were to fall during the night. With a sigh, you settle down onto the couch for the night, not needing a blanket as the June heat continues into the night. Eventually, after hours of staring at Jake's ceiling you fall asleep to thoughts of how much you missed the blonde.

---

With a groan, Jake slowly blinks awake. The small amount of light that filtered through his blackout curtains was proving to be too bright as it caused a surge of pain through his head. Which, by the way, felt like there was someone was power drilling into it. Slowly, so as to not provoke his hangover any further, Jake sits himself up in bed with his back against the headboard as he reaches to rub up at his eyes and search his memories for how the hell he got home last night.

Truly he couldn’t remember much after the 4th shot he had taken with Fanboy and Payback, which had been after god knows how many beers and at least 3 whiskeys on the rocks, he could vaguely remember Coyote helping him out the door about 2 hours after the shot, it had been his last drink with Coyote swapping out anything he ordered with a water, but Jake had been none the wiser meaning he was slightly more sober when Coyote was helping him, though his memories were still fuzzy.

He could remember calling someone, the screen of his phone fuzzy in his memory and the conversation that was had on it completely gone from his mind. He remembered a truck with an apple tree on it and a figure with (texture) (colour) hair, it was weird, he was almost certain it had been you but it most definitely could not have been.

You weren’t even in San Diego and even if you were, he was sure the number he had for you had been disconnected as he had tried phoning you multiple times since the breakup. It must have been Phoenix who had got him, though that didn’t seem right when he thought it over.

Finally pulling his hands away from his eyes, Jake looks to his bedside locker to take in the time and he groans as the digital clock reads 14:00. God he had slept late, the first time since he was a kid, having grown up on the family ranch Jake was always up at 6am almost every morning since he was 10 years old and could go out and help his dad, a habitat which came in handy when adjusting to the military schedule.

Eyes moving past the clock, Jake clocks a bottle of water and two advil sitting beside it, which didn’t exactly scream Phoenix to him. The girl would relish in the fact that Jake was massively hungover, so maybe Coyote had left it for him. Jake quickly takes the pain killers and downs the whole bottle of water, sitting for a minute with his eyes closed and leaning against the headboard to let the medicine start to take effect.

Though he was trying to stay in bed until the medicine took effect, the sound of movement in his kitchen puts him on alert. Who would be in his home? Coyote? No, Coyote would have texted him that he was coming over. Rooster? Nah, he was 100% sleeping off his own hangover or spending the day with Angel.

Gently, Jake slips from the bed and for the first time he notices he’s been changed into a pair of black sweats and an old t-shirt and he scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. He didn’t remember getting changed, still trying to fight to gain the memories of how he got home, and so he hoped that he did it himself not wanting to be embarrassed to find one of his friends had to strip him down out of his jeans and shirt.

Moving on from his confusion, Jake slowly makes his way out of his room, trying his best to be quiet so as to not spook whoever was moving about the kitchen. As he steps into the kitchen, Jake comes to a standstill and he begins to think he was still drunk or maybe he was high, or just hallucinating due to a combination of sleep deprivation and his hangover. Because here you are, flitting about his kitchen, which was definitely cleaner than when he left the night before.

As you turn towards Jake, you jump and place a hand over your heart to try and stop the rapid beating because, despite it being his apartment, you were not expecting him to be standing behind you looking like he had seen a ghost.

“Fucking christ Jake!” The shock of the scare finally settles, though the beating of your heart doesn’t. If anything it increased under the intensity of Jake's gaze. It had been a long time since anyone had made your heart beat like this, with such intensity and strength that it felt like it could break your ribs and rip itself out of your chest. In fact, there was only ever one person that made your heart beat like that and he was standing in front of you.

From the look of confusion on Jake's face you gather that he didn’t remember much of last night, didn’t remember calling you or you picking him up to bring him home and you couldn’t really blame him for not remembering with the amount he had drank, according to the messages you had exchanged with Coyote on your old cell.

Jake stares at you, his hangover pushed to the back of his mind, leaning against the counter of his kitchen with your arms crossed against your chest and your eyes cast to the ground, avoiding looking at Jake. Jake thought he would never see you again, that you had disappeared from his life forever when you broke up five years ago but here you are. What shocked him even more was the fact that it was you last night, you had come and picked him up and made sure he had gotten home safely, looked like you had stayed the night as well if the dishevelled sofa was any indication. Probably to make sure nothing happened to him in his sleep.

“You came?”

You finally look up at Jake, a soft smile on your face and he could melt into the ground at the softness in your eyes. You should hate him, should absolutely despise him, he wouldn’t blame you. He knows he gave you a million and one reasons too when he left, when he broke your heart and left you crying in the corner booth of the cafe. You should hate him, he broke your heart into a million pieces and left the country like a coward while you had to stay in your shared apartment, with your shared friends, in a city you saw yourself settling down with him in and piece yourself back together by yourself. He hated himself for that.

---

He had asked you to meet him in the little café that was a 20 minute walk from your old highschool that had been opened by one of your highschool friends, you had promised to always drop in when you were in town and had been there quite a few times already since arriving only a week earlier. But he hadn’t been in it since that day, he was sure he would have hot coffee thrown in his face if he dared show his face.

As usual, the two of you were nestled into the booth in the furthest corner of the cafe, just hidden enough that nobody could see the two of you but you could still see everybody bustling about. It was the perfect spot for people watching, which you usually did, pointing out people you once knew and discussing the latest in their lives (whether or not any of it was true was beside the point), but that day was different. Jake held a tension in his body, one you hadn’t seen before. One that quite frequently scared you, it put you on edge as if one wrong word and Jake would explode. It was like he was teetering on the edge.

The silence was stiff and thick with the same tension Jake held in his body, it felt suffocating and the air around you felt like it was compressing your chest. Until it was shattered and suddenly it wasn’t the air stopping you from breathing properly but panic as Jake uttered the words you never wanted to hear.

“I think we should break up.”

You drop your cup on the table, thankfully it was nearly empty so there wasn’t much of a splash back as the ceramic collided with the table and shattered into thousands of pieces on the table. You were sure that if someone looked at your heart at the very moment, it would be in a similar state. Shattered beyond repair.

“W-w-what?” You can hardly hear your own voice from the way your heart is thundering in your ears, can barely see the ceramic pieces that have fallen onto your lap as the tears begin to fill your lash line and threaten to ruin your mascara.

You certainly can’t see the twitch of Jake's jaw and how his eyes are cast out the window of the café avoiding looking at you, afraid that if he did he wouldn’t be able to do this. You don’t see the way he picks at his nail beds or how his adam’s ` apple bobs as he tries to keep his composure and convince himself that this was for the best, that its better for you if he was out of your life. If he broke your heart so you would never think of him again, so you could let him go.

You want to turn to face him, want to look into his eyes as he does this. But you can’t, your eyes are glued to the space in front of you, pupils wide and mouth open in shock. “I-is there someone else?” The thought absolutely destroyed you, that Jake was cheating on you that he found someone else. You close your eyes so tight that it hurts at the thought, preparing for the impact that yes there was someone else. But what came was so so much worse.

“There’s no one else. I just don’t love you anymore.” A sob racks through your body and pushes through your lips as the tears that had gathered in your eyes finally springing free and streaking down your face rapidly. Jake closes his eyes at the sound and clenches his fists, each sob you let out breaking his resolve. He needed out. Needed to go before he fully broke. It was better this way.

So he does. He gets up from the booth and leaves the cafe, not looking back at your shaking form as your friend approached having heard the shattering of the ceramic. It was better this way. Jake would rather you hate him for the rest of your life than you be left heartbroken because he was never coming home.

---

“You called”

Your voice is soft as you stop in front of him, your arms still crossed against your chest, and you look up at him through your eyelashes. Jake’s are filled with shock, as if he can’t believe you’re really standing in front of him.

“Why?”

“I guess I’m just a sucker for torturing myself.”

Jake wants to reach for you, to pull you into him and hold you for the first time in 5 years. Wants to wrap his arms around you and never let you go again. But he doesn’t, instead he stays glued to the spot, mouth opening and closing as he tries to form some kind of coherent thought or sentence.

“H-How?” Jake mentally slaps himself, of course he knew how he had phoned you. But, the number he had for you was disconnected. He knew this because he sent you message after message only for them to not be delivered and he had called for it to go straight to voicemail, he shouldn’t have been able to reach you.

“I broke my phone and had to pull out my old phone while it’s getting repaired. It was pure luck that it happened now.”

Jake feels himself nodding along dumly, that made sense, if you had changed phones and left the other one to die and only be used as a backup then of course none of his messages went through, of course none of his calls went through. Jake clears his throat, the ability to think and speak finally returning to him as the shock of seeing you finally settles.

“What are you still doing here?”

You shrug your shoulders gently, eyes moving around the now spotless kitchen and the tidy living room, “Wanted to make sure you were okay. That you didn’t choke on your own tongue or anything. I woke up at about 11ish and was going to go home, but I…I couldn’t make myself do it. Was still worried about you so I kept myself busy as you can probably see.”

Jake's eyes move over the kitchen, you always had been an anxious cleaner and if the cleanliness of his kitchen was any indication you were plenty nervous. Though he wasn’t sure if you were anxious about being around him or because you were concerned for his well being.

“I should go now though, I have client meetings later.”

You go to move around Jake, but he follows your movements and holds his hands up in front of him to stop you.

“Let me get us lunch as a thank you for looking after me.”

You really shouldn’t, should get going so you can shower and get changed for heading into the office. Should leave and never look back. Shouldn’t let Jake Seresin back into your life. And yet, you just nod your head and tell him “okay”.

---

You sit in a semi awkward silence as you wait for the lunch to arrive, the air is thick with tension and unanswered questions. Jake had a million and one he wanted to ask you about your life, about how much had changed in the past 5 years, about your family, about everything and anything under the sun just to talk to you. You had one question and one question only.

“Why did you do it?”

Your voice is soft as you play with the ends of your (Jake's) jumper, eyes cast down to look at what your hands were doing rather than what Jake was doing.

“Do what?” You can hear the genuine confusion in his voice and can imagine the way his eyebrows would be all scrunched up as he thought about all the things he did.

“Tell me you didn’t love me anymore.”

“It wasn’t true.” Your eyes snap to Jake, watching as he picks at his nail bed and avoids looking at you, and you scrunch your eyebrows up in confusion. “What?”

“It wasn’t true. What I said that day.” Jake clears his throat as the words get caught, “I-I lied. I thought it would be easier.”

You can feel anger rising in you now, disbelief settling in as you raise your eyebrows at Jake. “Fucking easier?” Jake flinches at the harshness in your voice, sinking back against his sofa, as you stand and cross your arms over your chest, scoffing at his comment that it was easier.

“You broke me Jake. I was depressed for months, had to take time off work because I just could not function enough to get myself out of bed. Desi and Cori were so concerned about me that they alternated staying with me because they were scared for my well being. I stopped eating and ended up in hospital. You think it was fucking easier to tell me you didn’t love me?”

Jake looks up at you shocked, eyes wide and mouth hanging open slightly, he didn’t realise how much you suffered when he broke up. You were always so strong that he expected you to pick yourself up and go on with life, never realising just how broken he had made you. He gulps down his shock, instead opting to finally tell you the truth as to why he left.

“I thought it would be easier for you to hate me. I watched wives and partners destroyed with the news that their husbands weren’t coming home and I was being sent away on a mission where there was no guarantee that I would come home. I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want you to have to bury me.”

The anger inside you fades away slowly as you take in his words. He didn’t want you to bury him. You had never thought of that, sure you worried when he went on missions but you stressed about his safety but never once did you consider that he might not come home. Maybe that was idealistic of you, maybe some part of you refused to acknowledge the fact that Jake might not come home to keep you safe, to protect your heart.

But still a part of the anger remains as you grit your teeth together, “That was not your decision to make Seresin.”

Jake flinches at your use of his last name and sighs lightly and rubs at his face lightly, “I know I know…I…” He lets out a sigh and reaches out to take your hands into his, rubbing his fingers over his knuckles. “I was stupid and naïve. I thought it would be easier for us both if I just left. You could hate me for the rest of time and I would eventually get over you.”

Your gaze is harsh, eyes narrowed into a small glare that was slowly softening at every word.

“But god are you hard to get over, I still think of you…Like every day. I think, hey (Y/N) would love this when I see something I know you’d like. I think about telling you about my day, about how you’re doing and if you ever got that promotion. I dream about settling down with you. About taking over my farm or the orchard with you. About having a family with you. When I’m flying, I think about you. About your smile, about how your eyes light up when you’re talking about something you're passionate about. It grounds me, keeps me level headed because some part of my mind is still telling me I need to make it back alive…that I need to make it back to you.”

Tears start to gather in your eyes at the confession, and you bite down on your lip as you take a second to compose your own thoughts. You thought about him too, all the time, even when you shouldn’t be.

“It was stupid.” Jake chuckles at your bluntness but as he looks into your eyes he sees no malice or cruelty behind the words, the glare you previously wore not gone from your gaze. Instead there was a lingering sadness, a pain that seeped into his bones as you stared at him.

“And it was mean and callous and cruel, and I should hate you Jake Serein. With every fibre in my body I should despise you. But…I…I just can’t.” You let out a shaky breath, a few tears now falling from your eyes, “God I wish I could hate you. It would make my life so much easier, would make it so much easier to just move on with my life. But…but part of me still loves you. Still wants you. Still thinks about you, every goddamn day.”

Jake stands, he wants to pull you into him and kiss you until the sun goes down and he would have, had the front door not gone with the delivery driver standing outside with your lunch. Instead, Jake hangs his head and lets out a sigh before lifting your hand to his and pressing a soft kiss to the back of it.

---

Lunch is quickly eaten and, needing some air, you suggest going for a walk in the neighbourhood after you cancelled all your afternoon appointments citing you were feeling unwell and didn’t want to pass it on, as partner no one really questioned you. The walk is nice and you feel nostalgic. Though the warning bells are going off in your mind telling you to walk away, that nothing good can come out of this. That, despite the fact you had forgiven Jake for what happened, you didn’t know if you were ready for this again. But those warning bells are drowned out by the sound of your beating heart rushing in your ears, encouraging you to give in to your desires for once, to give in to the feeling of once again being loved by Jake.

You walk for hours, the confessions earlier in the day opening you up to talking like old friends would, the vulnerability you both showed letting you open up to once another once again. Catching up on the intricacies of each others lives that you had missed, you let Jake know you were now an aunt to a darling little niece called Adeline and a menace of a nephew Carson who wanted nothing more than to help his mom and dad in the orchard and loved to climb trees to do this, almost giving your sister a heart attack in the process, and Jake lets you know that his baby sister is engaged to her high school sweetheart who was now teaching at the school with a wedding due in September time so they avoid the scorching summer heats.

You tell him about making partner at your firm and being relocated to run the San Diego office and he is so so proud of you and how far you’ve come. He tells you all about the dagger squad and how much he’s loving being in San Diego but misses home and can’t wait to get home in a few weeks time for the wedding, which he has a plus one for by the way.

It’s like old times, you fall into the conversation with such ease it was like you were never separated. Like you were never angry at him.

By the time sunset arrives, you and Jake are standing side by side on the beach admiring the changing of colours in the sky when suddenly the colours of the sky are blocked out by the figure of the tall blonde. Both your confessions from earlier still hang in the air, seeing as you were interrupted by the delivery driver at the door and you avoided the conversation your entire walk, finding something new to talk about whenever a silence fell between the two of you to avoid it coming.

Because, frankly, you were terrified. It had been such a long time since you had let yourself be so emotionally vulnerable and that was scary, you were scared of Jake was going to react, despite practically ripping his heart out and placing it in your hands himself.

You raise an eyebrow as your heart begins to pound in your heart, Jake looked serious and his adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he tried to think of what he wanted to say, didn’t know how much more he could say after spilling his heart out.

“Can we- can we try again?” Though that wasn’t exactly the words Jake wanted, the words having been already spoken earlier, his voice is soft as he reaches out to you, hand moving gently up your neck to cup your jaw with his thumb rubbing soft circles on your cheeks. You lean into the touch, against your better judgement, and let your eyes flutter close your own hands reaching out to touch Jake.

You wanted to, god did you want to give Jake another chance, but again the alarm bells were firing of in your head and this time they were hard to ignore. They were reminding you that Jake was still enlisted, he could be shipped off again to god knows where and you wouldn’t be able to follow, he might not come home, he might not come home and you didn’t know if you could survive that.

“I’m scared Jake.” You let out a shuddering breath, eyes opening to look into Jake’s. There was nothing but gentleness and love reflected back at you, and god how you missed looking into his eyes. Missed the tender moments where you would just hold one another and bask in each other’s presence, enjoying gentle caresses and fleeting touches used to ground one another. “I…can’t…I can’t do that again. I can’t go back to that dark place” Your eyes fall to where your hands are placed on Jakes chest, the temptation to draw them back and retreat flowing through your mind.

Your voice is rough and breaking as your eyes gloss over with tears at the thought of him breaking your heart again, at the thought of him leaving, of him dying, and he couldn’t blame your mistrust. Couldn’t blame your fear. A second hand is quickly up and cupping your jaw, fingers now wiping away the tears forming in your eyes.

“You won’t have to. I’m permanently stationed at top gun, training as part of the dagger squad and instructing.” You sniffle a little and look back up at Jakes face, “And if it means getting to be with you again I will give up dagger squad. I’ll go to instructing full time. I’ll stop flying.”

You roll your eyes at him, “You could never give up flying Jake, it’s your life.”

“I would give it up for you (Y/N).” You can see the sincerity in his eyes, the truthfulness there. He would genuinely give up flying if you asked him, and though you never would, knowing he was that dedicated to having you back ebbed your fears a little, though they were never fully away. It would take a while for that to happen. But you could feel your resolve break, every fibre in your being that was screaming for you to say no drowned out by the beating of your heart that was screaming at you to say yes.

“Okay. One date.”

Jake’s lips stretch into a cheshire cat grin and you roll your eyes at him once again, shoving him gently away from your body, “One Seresin, and we’ll see where we go from there.”

“Oh Peaches, one date is all I need.”

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