#tw: violence in response to stimming

[stuff-my-smalls-like]

Someone reached out to the autism community, wanting stories from autistic voices for a book. We decided to send them ours with a warning that because we are an ra/mc survivor, they could be retaliated against if they shared it specifically with our name and face attached. They sent back a short reply, saying they didn't want to share it in any way because of that (although I honestly suspect there was more to it than that, due to both gut feeling and something else that they said) so we are just going to share it here (if it seems awkward in any way, it's largely because it was based off a series of questions):

Tw: ra/mc, homelessness, dissociative identities and integration

We are 22 years old. We are using plural pronouns to talk about ourselves because in addition to being autistic, we are a dissociative system.

We developed a dissociated identity in childhood as the result of long-term organized abuse by multiple perpetrators, including members of our own family.

Because of the nature of our situation, we were not given a paper diagnosis that any professional outside of the abusive group could access, but there were doctors and psychologists involved and they did pronounce us autistic when we were very young. 

While there was a lot of deception involved in the abuse and we've had to do an extensive amount of recovery work in order to get to where we're at now, we have reached a place where we trust their diagnosis to the very core of our being. 

In some of our earliest memories, we displayed common traits of autism (stimming, meltdowns, being nonverbal when most other children would be talking, obsessively arranging our stuffed animals into patterns and rows, being highly precocious in certain areas while delayed in others, and so on), but in response, we recall receiving consistent neglect and abuse by those who were supposed to have cared for us the most. 

We were subjected to extensive conditioning by our abusers, aimed at minimizing any traits in us they found undesirable and exploiting any traits they felt they could use. All in all, it was probably just about the worst situation an autistic child (or any child for that matter) could ever have to endure. 

The core goal of the abuse was always to shame us into behaving the way they wanted us to, so we grew up feeling very bad about the autistic traits they didn't want us to have. 

Only through trauma work as systematic and painstaking as their abuse have we been able to cultivate the self-acceptance required to embrace ourselves as the autistic survivor we are. And amazingly enough, this is something we have been able to do (most victims of the situation we grew up in are not gifted with such a privilege). For the past five years, we have been integrating our many dissociated identities into one and we can honestly say that despite all the healing we still have left to do, we love ourself today. 

We have always been a highly observant, introverted and intellectual person with a wide range of interests, including math and science, music and art, people and non-human creatures alike - especially dogs. We've always gotten along better with dogs than people, but we love people too. Some non-autistic people think that all autistics lack empathy, but we are proof that autism runs a full spectrum when it comes to empathy, as we are actually hyper empathic to the point of crying simply from seeing suffering people on the street. 

This is something we are experiencing a lot right now, as the street is currently our home. Due to the combination of our childhood situation, our autism and our status as an LGBT person (we are queer and trans), we have been sleeping on the street and in shelters on and off since we were fifteen. 

This sounds terrible and I won't deny the inherently traumatic nature of living outdoors in the society in which we live (we are American), but we don't do it alone. We have yet to find a therapist who can work with us effectively, but we have a wonderful partner who has faced somewhat similar difficulties in his life and an online peer support system that is remarkably extensive. 

We are too disabled to work a regular job, nor have we found social security benefits to be an option for us, but thanks to food stamps, soup kitchens, some assistance we and our partner get from his family, and the bit of money we make from singing on the street, we get by. 

We have actually recently come to embrace a nomadic lifestyle and before we ever settle down to a life indoors, we want to travel the country on foot, soaking up all that we can of the freedom that adulthood and our own perseverance has granted us.

Hopefully by now it is evident to the reader that we are a relentlessly positive person, despite all the grief our traumas have caused us. I would honestly say that is our greatest strength: in the face of horrific violence and continuous deprivation, we have always been able to see the good in life and in the world.  

#our posts #ritual abuse survivor #mind control survivor #cult survivor #mk ultra #monarch mind control #autistic #autistic and dissociative #dissociative identity #integration #deprogramming #mind control deprogramming

[butterflyinthewell]

“Stigma” #AutisticsSpeakingDay2017

*** ***

* * * TW: Religious imagery, violence, torture, blood, restraints; mention of ABA, electroshock, bleach enemas and other abuse (via thumbnail image). All clips of me stimming and having meltdowns were recorded and uploaded by me. * * *

My Catholicism is totally hanging out in this video and I’m not sorry. This is how I see it through my faith.

My speech is clear because I wrote what I wanted to say and read it for the camera. Anyone who sees my off the cuff videos knows I stumble and have a hard time putting words together.

*** ***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNN4mzAjKf0 

(Transcript below, anything in brackets is image description. Apologies for any weird “digital” noises in parts where I’m not talking; I tried to digitally remove the annoying click of my camera’s autofocus, but people wearing earphones may still hear the weirdness. I just can’t win with audio. -_-;; )

[Title screen is “STIGMA #AutisticsSpeakingDay2017″ in white text.]

The dictionary defines "stigma" as "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." The plural form of this word is "stigmata", and those are also the wounds inflicted when Jesus was nailed to the Cross on Good Friday. Stigma isn't something people are born with. It is inflicted, like the holes caused by the nails hammered into the hands and feet of the Man who saved my soul because He loves me. [Images of Jesus in undignified states during His Crucifixion and a closeup of His beaten, bloody face.]

Many autistic people endure something like crucifixion without being able to fight back. Their dignity is stripped, their privacy violated and their humanity ignored. They endure what Jesus did. And so do I. As an autistic person, I feel the piercing stigma nailed into me and all other autistic people on a fairly regular basis.

Every time a parent tells me "you are not like my child" when I try to help them see things from the autistic point of view, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time someone rebukes me with "you're so high functioning that it doesn't even affect you" because I can talk, get dressed, put on makeup, sing with my church's choir and do some tasks for myself, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time the response is "you have no clue what living with this is like" when I mention I can't live independently, have extreme sensory issues and have violent meltdowns with self-injurious behavior, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I'm told "they don't feel embarrassment or know better" when I tell a caregiver they are violating an autistic person's privacy, dignity and autonomy when they post behavior crisis moments online, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time people tell me "you don't know what you're talking about" when I speak up about why Autism Speaks is a damaging charity that deepens the stigma against autistic people, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I hear a caregiver say "they can't communicate" as a reason to shut me down when I question why they don't ask the autistic person if they are in pain or upset about something, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I was bullied for being different from my peers, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

Every time I am ignored when I speak out against the injustices committed against autistic people, wham goes the hammer. [Black and white image of a nail being hammered into Jesus' hand.]

But guess what? You can hammer nails into me all you want, but it won't stop me from speaking the truth. Just as death could not hold Jesus prisoner, you cannot keep the truth held prisoner either. And just as Jesus rose above death on Easter, so to will autistic people with all kinds of support needs rise with the truth. We have endured our Cross, and now our "Easter" is dawning. This is our time to be heard, and this is the truth. [Images of the empty tomb on Easter, and Jesus showing one of His wounded hands to his disciples to prove He really has risen from death.]

You co-opt the autistic identity when you call yourself an autism parent. It's hypocritical of you to identify yourself that way, but tell me "no, honey, you're a person with autism!"

SHUT UP!!! I am talking now, and YOU will listen!

[Images of me stimming, lining up nail polish bottles and slapping my head during a self-injurious meltdown] I am like your child. 

I am neither high functioning nor low functioning because those labels are damaging and dehumanizing, and your view of me will probably vary depending on what you see when you first meet me. 

I know exactly what it's like to be autistic because I live it every day.

I am so disgusted by your refusal to presume the competence of someone you claim to love.

I do know what I'm talking about when I say Autism Speaks is a harmful charity, and I will keep talking about it until something changes. [Photos of me taken for #REDInstead where I protest against Autism Speaks. 1st photo has my mouth taped shut with "Autism Speaks" on the tape while surrounded by Post-it notes saying "Broken, not a person, tragedy, burden, financial drain, missing" and one more above me with "autistic person" and an arrow pointing down at me. 2nd photo has me holding a sign that says "Not a puzzle piece!" 3rd photo has me holding a sign saying "Stomp out stigma! #REDInstead" 4th photo is my shirt, which says "I can't keep calm, I'm autistic" with a sign that says "Not a tragedy, not an epidemic, not a crisis, not a burden, not missing."]

Communication is a two way street. Communication isn't always words. YOU are the one who can't communicate. [I point from my eyes to yours, from my mouth to yours and from my ears to yours. This is followed with clips of me stimming with Wile E. and having a meltdown where I beat on a pillow with my fists. All of this is autistic communication.]

I was bullied for how I looked and acted. I didn't deserve it.

People blow me off when I speak out on ableism committed against autistic people. I speak out anyway.

And I will keep talking. With my words, my behavior, my text posts, my photos and my videos. I will endure the metaphorical hammer and nails for those who can't defend themselves because Jesus endured the same, and more, for me. What you do for those society sees as the least, you also do to Christ. Guess where you put autistic people? [Image of Christ's beaten, bloody face again.]

I am autistic. I am speaking. This is my language. This is me.

And this is what society does to people like me. [I stand back and hold up my hands to be "crucified" by a series of words: (Center, like thorns on my head)Burden, Broken, Crisis, Fear, Inhuman, Tragedy. (Right hand) Cure, Awareness, Prevention, Lovaas ABA. (Left hand) Electroshock, Chelation, Bleach enemas. (A blue puzzle piece and text obscures my mouth) AUTISM SPEAKS. This image goes by fast and it intended to be subliminal. It is also the video’s thumbnail.]

But not today. 

Today, I am speaking. 

YOU be quiet and listen.

#actuallyautistic #autism #autistics speaking day #Catholic #stigma #my video #long post #tw for a lot of things

[dont-reblog--i-moved]

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