#trying to sound smart with that fake book excerpt lol

[aca-4]

You Gave Me Your Kindness - So I'm Giving It Back (MLP Fanfiction)

Summary: Something has been wrong with Fluttershy lately. Discord keeps brushing it off at first, but in the end he can’t ignore the alarming changes any longer. As he looks back on their relationship, he realizes there is only one thing left to do to save his most beloved.

A/N: I once woke up with what seemed like an amazing story concept and decided to trust my sleepy imagination. After putting it on and off for like one or two years, I finally sat down and finished it.

Not my very first time writing fanfiction, and for this fandom no less, but I’m still not used to this and highly doubt I’ll ever write something again (that I’ll publish, at least).

Again, English isn’t my native language - I have however spent many years learning it. So if I still made any mistakes, please do correct me so that I can learn even more!

Rated T Word Count: 3.464 Ship(s): Fluttercord Genres: Romance, Drama, Angst without Happy Ending Warnings: like one swear word lmao

It had all started on a warm late spring day.

Discord had visited Fluttershy for their scheduled afternoon tea. Since the weather had been so nice they’d decided to drink outside, surrounded by chirping birds and flowers in full bloom.

Fluttershy had talked about something that made her smile as she poured him another cup. He couldn’t remember what it was now because he had stopped listening.

Not in a rude way, of course - at least, he didn’t think it was rude to be so distracted by your best friend’s beauty you start zoning out. Could anyone really blame him for that?

“Discord, are you listening?“, he had eventually caught her saying.

“My apologies, I believe I have something stuck in my ears. One moment, let me just…“

To demonstrate he had pulled out a red handkerchief - which had been tied to a yellow one, which in turn had been tied to a purple one, a green one, and so on. This had continued for a short while before all of the handkerchieves were out of his head.

“There we go! Much better. Now, you were saying?“

It was a lame trick and an even lamer excuse, but Fluttershy had playfully rolled her eyes and giggled anyway.

That lovely sound had been enough for him to get his focus back on her words again. Although he was tempted to check if his chaotic magic had spontaneously created butterflies in his stomach or if that was the doing of Fluttershy’s own magic.

Either way, he couldn’t complain. Not when that strange feeling made him all soft and warm inside.

It was somewhere during their long conversations and the sun illuminating Fluttershy in an angelic glow that Discord realized he was, without a doubt, utterly and completely in love with her.

-

They had started dating sometime after that.

The love confession had actually been the hardest part. The usually loud and eccentric Discord somehow always found himself at a loss for words the second he wanted to tell Fluttershy how he truly felt about her.

Combined with her timidness, it could have taken them ages to ask each other out if Angel Bunny of all creatures hadn’t let the truth slip out in frustration at the two.

Everything was much easier afterwards. It had felt so right to be together like that.

No personal kingdom of entropy could ever begin to compare to the joy he had found thanks to and with Fluttershy. She had been the first to offer him her friendship, and then she’d shown him love, too.

Everything had been so blissful in their own little world, he’d grown ignorant to all the signs that reality was becoming anything but.

-

Pinkie Pie was the first one to notice, surprisingly enough.

She normally missed a lot of social cues, yet it was her who waved Discord over when he was out visiting Ponyville one day and whispered to him her cryptic message.

“I felt the weirdest energy shift around Fluttershy the other day. This might be a bad omen.“

Then, somehow, she managed to completely change the mood in the same breath as she casually continued with, “Or it was that spoiled milk I drank before. Made me all sick the rest of the day. You really gotta listen to those expiration dates!“

Immediately back to her usual cheerful self, she’d bounced back into Sugar Cube Corner.

Discord was left a little confused but ultimately decided to just laugh at the mare’s odd behavior. Just typical Pinkie Pie.

Must have been that odd „Pinkie Sense“ of hers, he figured. Much as he enjoyed her fun energetic company, he didn’t actually believe in her crazy nonsense. Not this time, at least. She admitted she might have just misinterpreted whatever she had felt, after all.

Looking back, he really shouldn’t have dismissed her words so easily. Especially since they involved his dearest Fluttershy.

-

Rarity was the next one, discreetly pulling Discord away from the group one day to give him a piece of her mind.

It had been during last year’s Hearths Warming Eve no less. Quite rude of her to judge him during the holiday celebrating ponies coming together despite their differences and finding peace, he had told her irritated.

At least that’s how he had felt then. Now he could only repeat Rarity’s words in his head over and over again.

“Listen here, I know you and Fluttershy are close - and Celestia knows how you even deserve her kindness after everything you’ve done - but I still don’t trust you. If she wants to be with you, then fine. Who am I to tell her how to live her life? But if you as much as harm a single hair on her head, I swear I will personally harness the power of the Elements of Harmony and banish your ugly patchwork behind all the way to Tartarus!“

He’d faked a sarcastic oath then, thinking the unicorn was only being melodramatic as always.

Rarity had scowled at him for that and returned to the group with a final: “I am only worried because she is a very dear friend of mine. If you truly care for her as much as you claim to do, you will not hurt her.“

Discord had watched her take a cider off the table, take one big unladylike gulp of it, and sit back down between Applejack and Fluttershy.

Now that he was replaying the uncomfortable memory in his head, Discord couldn’t deny that he’d long broken the promise he’d never made in the first place.

Despite being surrounded by the most loving friends in all of Equestria, Fluttershy had looked almost annoyed by the shared laughter of the other ponies. Out of all the blurry images in his mind’s eye, a single gray hair stood out on the pegasus.

-

He definitively should have known something was wrong when Applejack and Rainbow Dash tracked him down to interrogate him.

At the time, Discord didn’t understand where their sudden hatred had come from. He thought they’d actually gotten along better over the years. He never believed he’d even have this many friends, but it seems that was just the positive influence Fluttershy had on him.

So seeing them this furious at him hurt. Although not nearly as much as the accusation itself did.

“You’ve done something to Fluttershy!“, Rainbow Dash yelled, flying up to him and pointing one hoof right at his face.

“Now, we don’t know that yet for sure, Dash.“

At least Applejack seemed more civil, pulling the loud pegasus down by the tail. Despite her words, she was clearly just as upset.

“Fluttershy’s been acting mighty strange lately. Think today was the worst I’ve seen ‘er lash out in… well, ever.“

Discord already didn’t like where this was going.

„We just figured, since y’all have been together for a while now,-“

“And because you used to be a manipulative villain!“

“-ya might know what’s been going on.“

“So spill it! What are you hiding from us?“, Rainbow added impatiently before Discord could even ask them what had brought this suspicion on.

So they explained.

Apparently, during one of their group’s regular meetings, Fluttershy had seemed disinterested. Pretty unusual already, but nothing of concern yet. She often got stuck in her own head with all her worries, after all.

It wasn’t until one of the others had asked if she was feeling okay, and she’d glared and spit at them, that it became obvious something was very much not okay.

To cut a long story short, kind concern was met with harsh words, turned into tough love, but was all ultimately ignored and Fluttershy had left with her nuzzle held as high as those snobby high-society ponies from Canterlot.

“Ya got any idea what that could have been about?“ Discord ignored the accusing undertone in Applejack’s voice.

He knew they were all thinking the same thing. He just wasn’t sure how to reply to them. It’s not like he wanted Fluttershy to act like that ever again.

“So…?“, Rainbow urged him for an answer.

But his mouth only hung open uselessly.

Instead, Discord excused himself and teleported himself home so quickly and abruptly that it made even him dizzy.

-

He had missed the first warning, and he had certainly missed many more. He’d like to think it was because it happened so suddenly that none of them could have known what was to come. Except they did.

All of them but Discord.

But it’s not like he didn’t notice something was off at all!

After he’d moved into her cottage and saw her everyday, he truly began to see the change in her behavior for himself.

It was in the way she treated her animals; Food heedlessly spilled into bowls instead of lovingly prepared (if she didn’t forget completely and Discord had to remind her or do it in her stead.)

He’d assumed it was the stress finally getting to her. With all those animals in such a tight space, it was no wonder she looked more tired, and he couldn’t blame her for letting out her frustrations on others.

It did surprise him a little when she’d locked Angel out of her own house when the bunny (that at least half of the time didn’t deserve its name) refused to eat his dinner because the slices weren’t evenly cut, or something petty like that. He’d even laughed in mockery as the little devil was left scratching at the door.

He was more surprised when he’d looked out of the window the morning after to see Angel still waiting outside.

He had mentioned it to Fluttershy, confused that she hadn’t let him in as she normally would after giving the annoying brat a little time-out. She’d said he still had to learn his lesson if he wanted to live under her roof.

Discord had agreed with her at first, not very fond of the bunny’s picky eating habits and general rudeness, either.

He’d only grown concerned when another night came and rain began to fall. Angel had still been outside, curled up and shivering at the doorstep, when the guilt became too much and Discord let the little guy in.

As he was drying him off, Fluttershy had come into the room, looked the both of them up and down, and just turned back around with a scoff and the words „you pity him too much“ muttered under her breath.

Discord and Angel might never have seen eye to eye on things before, but in that moment, the bunny looked at him with such deep concern that Discord simply couldn’t deny Fluttershy’s worrying state any longer.

-

“So, the others have already talked to you, I’m assuming?“

Discord only nodded a remorseful yes.

They had done much more than that. Left him cryptic warnings, gave him a stern talking-to, even straight-up yelled some sense into him, and yet he had brushed his friends off every time.

He wasn’t all that close with the five ponies, not the way Fluttershy was, but he trusted Twilight the most. It’s why he had eventually decided to confide in her.

“I’ve noticed it, too. Much too late, I have to admit, but her outburst the other day and the way she’s been avoiding us ever since are really worrying me. Do you know when this drastic shift in behavior started?“

The fact that even Twilight Sparkle didn’t notice sooner was only slightly reassuring.

The Princess of Friendship always seemed to have her nuzzle stuck in paperwork or research for personal projects, whereas Discord was always right there, frequently visiting for an afternoon tea or whatever other excuse he came up with just to be with Fluttershy.

If anyone should have noticed right away that she wasn’t acting like herself, it should have been him.

In all honesty, he didn’t quite know when it started. So he told Twilight what the others had already said to him; including Pinkie’s odd comment from about a year ago, which suddenly didn’t seem so random anymore.

“Her Pinkie Sense… I’ve long given up on trying to understand it but it’s never been wrong even once…“, the alicorn had already started muttering to herself.

Discord was left to watch her sort through the books on the shelf behind her. Spike had been there, too, offering his help to search. Otherwise he kept himself out of the conversation.

Although, knowing him, he had probably noticed before anyone else that something was wrong. If the others hadn’t listened to him at first or he had kept it to himself for whatever reason, Discord didn’t know.

But just seeing the guilty look on the young dragon’s face now, he didn’t need to hear it to know how bad it was.

“Hey, Twi? What was with that book about balancing magic that Cadance gave you on your last birthday?“

“The Theory of Magical Balance“, she corrected while skimming over various book covers in deep concentration. „Yeah, you might be onto something.“

Twilight flew over to a different section of she shelf and pulled out the book Spike mentioned.

The contents were still rather speculative, as there weren’t many cases recorded to prove the theories. Personally, Discord never cared for any sort of magical science and laws of physics anyway, since he could defy and bend them to his will.

But just this once he looked over Twilight’s shoulder to read about the exact thing that was happening to his dear Fluttershy:

“… if such opposing magical auras were to meet, they might balance each other out; each taking a part of the other and thus intertwining. But that raises the question: What if they were imbalanced? If one such aura was too strong, or both exposed to each other for too long, the weaker one could be overtaken completely. Or, perhaps, one might give all of itself away and…“

Discord stopped reading right then and there.

He didn’t want to accept it. He never wanted from the beginning and it’s why he’d avoided acknowledging it for so long.

Twilight began to speak carefully, trying to piece together all this new information.

“I know it’s been a long time now — and I do trust you not to go back on your word to never cause harm ever again! — but you have to admit, she has been acting…“

Discordant.

She didn’t have to say it out loud for they both were thinking it.

Years ago, when Discord had initially been freed from his stone prison, he had hypnotized and tricked his former enemies into turning the complete opposite of themselves. Back then, it had been so fun to watch them like that; arguing and in disharmony.

Fluttershy had been different, though. He’d had to actively cast a spell on her in order to turn her mean-spirited.

(And even so, despite everything he’d done… it was her who had shown him the light of friendship in the end.)

But now… now, without even trying, without any intention, his chaos magic was affecting her once more.

“Are you sure this is it? Isn’t there any other explanation?“, Spike tried against all odds to hope.

“I’m not sure… I’d have to ask Celestia if she has any more books on the matter. Or, who knows, maybe it’s the same type of magic that turned Luna into Nightmare Moon centuries ago? We cannot leave out any possibilities! Spike, take a letter…“

Discord had teleported out of the castle once Twilight went fully into study-mode. 
He appreciated her help, and he’d tell her so the next time he saw her, but deep down he already knew what was going on and what he needed to do to stop it.

There was only one thing he could do to help Fluttershy now. No matter how much he dreaded it.

-

In the dim light of the room, one might not immediately notice the gray fur on what once was a brightly pastel colored pegasus. Discord, however, can’t help but stare the truth right in the face.

“What?“, she asks, annoyance clear in the way she practically spits out the word.

This monochrome impostor is still his beloved, he needs to remind himself. It’s his fault she is like this to begin with, so he has to make it right again.

“We need to talk“, Discord finally brings himself to say.

“Sure, whatever. But it better not be about those Celestia-damned ‘friends’ of yours. I’m not apologizing to those—“

„It’s not about that“, he cuts her off before she can finish the insult. He knows she doesn’t mean it. Not her true self, anyway.

“What is it then?“

She starts getting impatient. Her hoof taps against the floor, wordlessly telling him to go on already. He isn’t sure if he can.

“It’s about us“, he says quietly. He feels small, all of a sudden, wringing his paw and claw together and looking meek. Shy, even.

(He’d laugh at the irony, but she’s giving him that disinterested look again.)

“So?“

“I think it would be best if… we broke up.“

A heavy silence lies between them. He forces himself to not look away.

Slowly, Fluttershy’s emotions change. She raises her eyebrows, opens her eyes wide. She looks at him, through him, to the floor, to the wall. Then she snaps her head back, turns up her nose and glares at him with the same intensity she normally uses for her infamous ‚Stare’.

“What?“

Her words cut through the air and through him.

“We can’t go on like this“, he admits. „This close exposure to my magic — to me — has turned you evil. This isn’t you.“

“I’m fine!“, she huffs and stomps her hoof for emphasis. It only proofs his point further.

“I never meant to do this to you. I can’t control it. And now look what it’s… what I’ve done to you.“

For the first time in his life, Discord is painfully aware of just how much influence he really has on the world around him. How easily he could affect those close to him.

He is the only one to blame here, he is now certain. It’s all his fault for not stopping this sooner, for so selfishly wanting Fluttershy to be his, that he let her become a twisted and malicious version of herself.

“What kind of bullshit reason is that?!“ Cursing sounded so wrong coming out of her mouth. “You know, if you don’t love me anymore, you could have just said so!“

“I do love you. That’s why I have to do this.“

Fluttershy looks at him like he’d done the opposite of growing two heads. She probably isn’t used to him being this calm and reasonable. It’s like they switched places.

“Are you fff— ha! Are you serious right now?“, she half laughs in utter disbelief.

“I wish I wasn’t.“

Fluttershy makes a few faces as she wildly looks around the room again. She then settles on one emotion she’s grown way too accustomed to the past year.

“Fine! See if I care!“, she yells. “I never liked you anyway!“

She is lying through her teeth now and he knows it.

“I really wish it didn’t have to be like this.“ — She ignores him. — “Please know that I’m doing this for your own good.“

“Whatever. Just go.“

She refuses to look at him while Discord isn’t sure if he can bring himself to ever take his eyes off her. No matter her current state, somewhere in there is still the sweet, gentle Fluttershy he fell in love with.

Despite all her anger and harsh shouts that he should leave already, tears are forming in Fluttershy’s eyes. He wants to reach out and dry them, tell her everything was going to be okay and that he’d stay here with her forever. But he knows he can’t.

The damage had already been done and the only thing he can do now is return the kindness she had given him all those years ago.

So with a strained smile he says „Goodbye, my dearest. Thank you for everything.“

“Don’t you— Don’t you dare say that! You don’t get… get to say something like that!“

Discord has to tune out her cries as he opens the door and steps outside. He allows himself to look back at her only once, only briefly, to see her let her wings drop to the floor, ugly tears streaming down rosy cheeks.

Among the ashen gray hair is a single pink strand, encouraging him to close the door and open up a portal to his old home.

Only once he is back inside the cold walls with forgotten furniture floating past his head upside down, does he let himself cry, too.

––––

MLP:FiM and its characters belong to Hasbro

I only own the artwork and (I still can’t believe I’m saying this) the story

#mlp fim #story + art #fluttercord #fanfiction #on the rarest of occasions that i write and it ends up being angst #canon-divergent i guess #as in i tried to reference canon from memory but gave up #vague headcanons never to be seen again #weird tenses that hopefully make sense #trying to sound smart with that fake book excerpt lol #listen i was half asleep when i came up with this- #this is why i'm an artist not an author #no beta because who the hell would i even ask

[strangerays]

Nothing in Particular Update #3

About seven months and I finished the first draft at 93k!

I always imagined how it would feel to finish a first draft (I’ve been writing novels “seriously” since about 2017) and now that I’ve finally done it, I can say it’s a better feeling than I imagined! Telling my friends and family (and even my doctor, who was really quite excited about it) was an amazing amazing thing. I’m generally pretty nervous to tell people about my work, but I had a really positive reaction. Honestly all of it has me on a creative high (not sure I’m coming down from that any time soon lol).

I’m going back for my last year of school in two days, which means I’m not going to have as much time as I did to write all summer. This is okay, because I’m actually going to take an entire month off of writing! I’m really burnt out - don’t want to start editing a story that’s so near to me if I don’t feel ready. I’ll talk more about editing when the time comes!

In a lot of ways, I found that my life mimicked my art. I think for a lot of people, it tends to be the other way around, but this story did a lot to heal me.

Going to hop right into excerpts now! I’m not going to explain much this far into the story because I would like to try to publish this story (FAR in the future) so I apologize for that! Also, I stopped naming most of the chapters until I go back and edit because there are just SO MANY and I didn’t have the time to stop and think of cool names. Anyways... enjoy!!

(Here is the link to the original masterpost!)

#1

text: Rays of gold curled to the ground, primordial and shy as the fire reeds on the cusps of shallow pool around the bay outside of Mothouse combed them to fine sparkles. I remembered the way Lonan kneeled on the edges of this pool. He never dove in – just blinked slowly as he watched crabs and minnows chase each other in a swirl of sand. I could not resist the water. I’d made it a part of me. My hair was longer then; down to my elbows, fading from dark red to orange and white, soaked always. Lonan let me borrow his shirts when I forgot to bring my own. They hung from my waist, too big for me, and I was warm even as the breeze rocked us inside.

#2

text: The sky was never blue in Point Blink. At least, I couldn’t remember the last time the clouds hadn’t given way to a dark gray mist. Jude was here. I was out of place. I was floating – watching slender, underfed pines wave in the breeze behind houses on the water before they disappeared underneath furls of cloud. Bursts of warm light shone in windows on the bay, like hungry eyes watching for a storm. A group of kids our age chaffed on a rocky expanse, their heads popping over pockets of darkness when they laughed. Froths of cloud stretched across the sky, moving the ground with it. Long stretches of trees and islands far on the other side of our small pocket of ocean looked more like large freight ships. Lights glittered and beamed on the roads and highways that belonged to the city. Pink was starting to show over the horizon. Lonan was on the other side. Somewhere.

#3

text: 

Jude sucked her lips in and flopped onto her stomach so she could see the blue below her feet. Her dark curls draped over her ears and hid her nose.

“I can’t see the bottom of the ocean.” She cupped her fingers with the other hand. “See where the water fades to white and back again? The endless tide. Why do people say the ocean is blue?”

I leaned forward. She was right. Blue ocean climbed up the side of the cliffs and turned the rocks a dark gray; ate the erosion as if from a plate. I’d never had the ocean explained to me that way before.

“I think I like it that way,” I said.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was at the bottom of Point Blink.

#4

text: 

She smiled weakly. “It’s okay. This is just guesswork. Patchwork.”

I wanted to apologize again, but I had a strong guess that it might make her annoyed with me. “It’s kind of like… I’m just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

She wrinkled her nose and eyebrows, scrunched up her little face. “That’s dumb.”

“I think it’s a smart way to live.” Sometimes it felt like worry was the only thing that kept me alive. It wasn’t dumb at all.

“You’re going to be fine though. We’re going to be fine. If something bad happens, we’ll deal with it. Don’t let it eat you.”

There was wisdom in what this seventeen-year-old girl on my bed had offered me. I caught it like a gold coin. Before I could reply with anything, she launched into another question. I didn’t want to think much about change anyways.

#5

text:

“Oh. Wow. That’s like, next year.” I sort of laughed.

“A year can be a long time,” Lonan said with a wince. “What do you think?”          

I sighed through my nose and leaned back with him. The sun was going down. Sometimes, my life felt less like a golden hourglass and more like a stopwatch with a broken face.

“For once, I think I agree with your mom.”

Lonan just stared at me, with something like awe.

“I think you should do what you want,” I said.

 “Ray,” Lonan started.

“No,” I interrupted him. “It’s not about me. She’s stopped you from doing anything and everything you’ve wanted to for the last four years, so when you go to college, you’ve got to separate yourself from this place.” I pointed to him. “You’re allowed to do this.”

#6

text: 

Maybe I was just being strange. Lonan was my best friend. It didn’t help that there was a little bit of him in everything – the tide pools, the echo of shells, my broken camera.

Soon, we stood in the center of the field. A breeze whispered through the cattails, fanning against our knees. Ellis loped behind me as I stepped in and out of tire tracks under the cloudless sun. She wasn’t much different than Jude. Her footsteps crunched excitedly behind mine, excited at the prospect of an unprecedented adventure. I’d missed those.

Lonan said he didn’t like to walk in fields because the wind tricked him into thinking that someone was behind him. Every brisk of his heel was a trick of the mind. Sometimes I felt the same way, like I might be haunted.

#7

text: 

The ageless water begged me closer, frizzed my hair and swathed my arms in a sweet, familiar scent. I remembered galloping down to the shore with a childhood friend in one May. Soft piano accompanied croaky lyrics from someone’s radio when we fell chest-first into the water. Static erupted in my head. There had been nothing new for me in Point Blink for so long that I’d forgotten what it was like to float. Grass turned into pebbles, and I heard Ellis’ footsteps soften to the beat of the sand. Our eyes crumbled the shells that walled the long expanse of dark sand where waves rolled in. We leaned over like two swans, crunching shells beneath our feet, displaying shells to one another, naming the ones we recognized, and when I looked out at the horizon, I saw blue.

Red plastic cups, cigarettes, and even some broken glass stuck out through the sand as we made our way further down the shoreline, as if someone had thrown a party. My brow furrowed. Maybe this part of the beach wasn’t so abandoned after all.

Between the spit of the waves and dry sand lay some sort of book. Sand trickled out of the pages and onto my shoes when I swept it out of line of an oncoming wave. Ellis was beside me in moments. Shells tolled under her shoes.

#8

*Warning for mention of blood (fake blood and fake knife!!) this takes place on Halloween haha*

text: 

Jude held the container in her palm, kneeled down so we were shoulder to shoulder. Her eyes fixed on the knife in my neck, mine on her hands, then her focused expression. Her fingers tipped my chin up, cold on my skin. I tried not to move. Suddenly, I wasn’t thinking about Dad, or Raven, or Lonan. I only let Jude in – this girl who had come out of nowhere and wrecked me, saved me. And she didn’t know any of that. I didn’t owe anything to her, but I needed her. She kept us afloat when I couldn’t even keep myself above water. Her fingers painted blood over the center of my throat, our breath quiet on each other’s cheeks. She held my shoulder as she set back.               

“Absolutely feral,” she said.

#9

text: 

“Point Blink is all I have. It’s where I am, what I am.” My throat was tight. “It’s all I’ve known. I am happy with my life. And I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to throw all of that away so we can dig up answers. I want to stay.”

 Jude sat there for a moment. I think Florian and Ellis had turned to look at us, because when we went silent, I could no longer heat their hushed whispers, only the sound of water as it rose and rose and rose. I wondered if it would rain.

Jude sat up on her hands, then her knees, then she stood over me.

“Is that what you honestly believe?”

Tears bubbled in her eyes. Blood streaked down her cheeks. I’d been so focused on not crying, I had missed when she started to.

“Point Blink is just the same as anywhere,” she said. The words sat somewhere above her inside her chest, weak and frail, as though they’d been realized a long time ago.

I’d stared into her eyes until they disappeared. She grabbed onto a branch above her and quietly swung herself around a corner. Her footsteps echoed until they dissolved into waves and birds and frogs and left me in the dark.

#10

*Warning for strong language!*

text:

“Why didn’t you tell me how you’d been feeling?” he asked after a few moments of silence. It was beginning to stretch uncomfortably.

“I know I don’t deserve to know,” he added, “but you’ve always put me first.”

I picked at the wood that peeled from the fence.

“I just want you to be okay,” Lonan croaked. “Please tell me what to do.”

Even when we were together, we still worried about each other. It wasn’t always that way. Maybe that was my fault. I didn’t want to think about it.

 “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I mumbled into the crisp, red air. “To be fair, I didn’t know it like I know now for a long time. I think sometimes I got the same way as a kid. Now I have a name for it, and I still don’t know if it feels right.” I sighed. “I guess… I guess I just thought that was how things were supposed to be. I thought I was only the humming low and the high.”

“Of course that’s not how you’re fucking supposed to be.”

 I coughed on a laugh, wiped away a new set of tears. On the rare occasion that Lonan did swear, he sounded much like he was doing it for the first time.

I hadn’t fully realized what I’d said before Lonan’s hand was around my arm. He pulled me close to his chest. I felt smaller than him; warm and safe. I exhaled and sunk into him, didn’t allow anything else in. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like.

“You’re funny and smart and better than a lot of people.”

And... that wraps up all of my excerpts for the time being! I really enjoyed writing the last four chapters of this book. Of course they aren’t perfect. A lot of the book needs improvement. There are entire characters who are flat and plot lines I just forgot about! Come October, I plan to get back into my edits/rewrite the story.

Really quick before I finish writing this:

I just wanted to thank everyone who read about my story and showed genuine interest in the characters. Had I not received all of this love from people in real life and online, I might never have finished this draft at all. When I started this story, my mental health was really quite bad. (I’m doing a whole lot better these days!!) I guess you could say the idea started as more of a journal entry. All of these characters are like little parts of me coming together to help the main character, and I think there’s something really special about that.

Thank you so much! Good luck on all your creative endeavors! It pays off in the end, I promise :)

tag list (ask to be +/-); @wannabeauthorzofija @a-completely-normal-writer @baguettethebooklover @corkytheguar​ @writeherewaiting @cryptid-s-wips @kingsinking @author-a-holmes

#my little note at the end says it all haha #thank you so so much for reading! #I still can't believe I finished this book on five hours of sleep