A message of love and hope for queer, trans, and non-binary kids (and adults) considering suicide, from an old queer bog witch who's been where you are. Spoken from the heart, not scripted or rehearsed, so please forgive the ums and likes. You will not find any Jesus here, so it shouldn't trigger any religious trauma.
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I wonder how long he is gonna hold his breath 🤔🤣
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What is it supposed to feel like?
One of my most humbling experiences was when I asked my friend, “what do you think gender dysphoria feels like?” Nothing could have prepared me for what she was going to say. “I am not sure, I guess it’s feeling that you’re in the wrong body?”
I felt myself get angry because of how many times I explained it to her. So many horrible thoughts ran in my head as I felt myself heat up. I sighed, mentally taking a step back and realizing the only person I am mad at is only myself. It was not her fault, but I did not know where the pain in my heart came from.
Within seconds, I looked at her replying “you aren’t wrong, but that isn’t the most part.” Memories flooded in reminding me how hard I tried to explain my dysphoria to her, but I ended up struggling. I never found the right words to explain the heaviness lingering on my heart, the pain that inhabited inside my gut, the feeling your soul and brain being detached from your body or seeing a random a male stranger in public and feeling attached to them because of how masculine presenting they are.
“I wish I could explain it in detail, but it’s difficult for me to.” I felt the cartilages of my throat tighten, making me struggle to speak or breathe. I stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for this horrible feeling to leave my body.
I remind myself every now and then that not everyone feels the same as me. Other people, unlike me, did not grow up wanting to “look like the other gender” or had that “sudden change of clothing” that my mom refused to get me in the store. Back then, I didn’t know what that feeling was and why I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.
Those feelings, I could not interpret and still cannot until today, were only mine and no one else. Not for someone who felt euphoric and comfortable in their own body. My one and only wish is to have these happy and good feelings towards my own body.
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