#trans ricky or bust

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

headcanon: ricky's name was a nickname his dad gave him based off his deadname when he was little, and he hung onto it extra hard after he left. it stuck over the years until he came out at fourteen and made it official, and while he has a lot of mixed feelings about his name--ranging from the baggage of how he got it, to the relief of how much easier it having already been his nickname made his transition--it's his and he's proud of it.

#sdmi #scooby doo: mystery incorporated #ricky owens #trans ricky or bust #those flashbacks are the Most Baby Transmasc on First Year of Hormones Voice and Facial Hair #i'm just saying man #i think he was just unusually Focking Tall and Lanky to start with and that's why he passes as easily as he does that early on #even though he didn't start T until after he'd been through a few years of estrogen-dominant puberty first #assigned long long man at birth

[yespoetry]

Jason Phoebe Rusch: The Legend of Ricky Bobby as a Metaphor for Trans Time

Nights in Talladega: The Legend of Ricky Bobby as a Metaphor for Trans Time

 I am cuckold, eighties anthem, gold stars

a mother’s curio cabinet, slumber, waste

at middle-age bleached coral sapped of self:

puberty denied me, eating flaked skin,

 licking dust mites from my childhood’s dim shelf.

Speed calls to me, road rushing blood, rubber

cock almost a live thing inside my jeans:

I’m electric baby, hear the thunder

 my pheromone a secretion of shame.

If fathers weren’t false axioms, scalped tickets,

taking mothers in bathrooms since ’78:

a one-time deal, a painted yellow stripe.

 What can I tell you, kiddo that’s been me

wrecked sides rolling fiery over my life

 *

 Wrecked sides rolling fiery over my life,

I’d let myself be crashed to remind me

my rising sign: failure. Side-tire blubber

grease stain on the sky, sent-back fast-food toy

 these my tendencies in work, love and play

doomed hull-clinger, plankton, slow flagellum.

Each night I dream a stadium wet for me,

me legible anything, wanted fresh

 and riding, riding bright blood down a track

I’d like to live to see myself perform

some adrenaline-fueled, miracle act.

To bare my chest, to yowl, scratch genitals

 to crest some Arctic storm, grin all the pain.

I could live quite long watching strange TV.

 *

 I could live quite long watching strange TV,

in some paneled-off section of my head

like a room with heavy curtains, lotto

numbers before they are called, cheap beer

 spilled on my underpants. A long nose hair,

a snore, a crushed Cheeto ground into rug:

that which persists the same each day after

next, and for what, and for what and for what

 to paw after a person to soundtrack?

To look more suave and better on paper?

To stand in public grabbing my own crotch,

to dance fondling my own butt cheeks to praise?

 For photo on hot-dog restaurant wall

For Day-glo revelation of mundane?

 *

 For Day-glo revelation of mundane,

for onion rings and gas station aisles

for the music the speakers sometimes play,

I have boringly soldiered through hours

 obeying the imperative to be

rev whatever pistons we can obtain

my phallus hologram powered by fuel

oily and viscous, subcutaneous shot.

 My blankness projecting into future,

a tunnel riddled with limbs, aphorism

makes for better press. I could speak to folk,

inspire them. An option: be professionally failed.

 Make profit from the melting and the loss.

An embarrassment of flesh, blushing cost.

 *

 An embarrassment of flesh, blushing cost

my wife left me for a former version

I learned early men could not be wives

nor women husbands, nor could my body

 elope with itself, far outside its birth.

So I hunkered down like creeping sludge trail,

stored decades of inertia in my bones

I gnawed my skin to sleep, cut axles loose.

 I Shake-and-Bake and break my own steady

it looks noble but really I lost nerve

my arm like my willpower emerging

like an infant’s from a place before life

 rasping it’s your time now, Ricky Bobby,

but never like you thought before, again.

Jason Phoebe Rusch is a queer trans writer from the Chicago suburbs. His writing has appeared in The Rumpus, Lambda Literary's Poetry Spotlight and Bust magazine, among others. His first book, Dualities, will be available from Hobart's SF/LD books this March. He can be found online at www.jasonphoeberusch.com.

#Jason Phoebe Rusch #poetry #special feature

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

10-08-19 (Tuesday)

God things were different back then. I don't miss it. It was awful. But some part of me still feels like I'm chasing it. Like maybe I belonged there. In that time. In that situation. Fucked up as it was... I felt more equipped to deal with it.

I realize that's the trauma. It's the realization that the coping skills I'd developed for over two decades are no longer applicable and grasping in vain at the past because it was what I knew.

Because I understood how to navigate that situation. And I... find myself more and more looking back at my early involvement with TSA as the source of that feeling. There's one moment that sticks out in my mind.

Youth Group still met at the YWCA and it was within a year of my joining. This one group that usually came together. Billy, Fatalany, and Mitchell (now called Maya). They all left to go to their car and some old dude drove by in his car and threatened them and called them faggots and they ran back inside. I was ready to bust heads. I was so new at it and I didn't realize the danger I could be in. And everyone looked at me like I was crazy. It was commonly accepted you just felt grateful to be alive and moved on, remembered their face, and kept going.

In that moment, I felt helpless. I couldn't save them. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom and rage. I had to let it out.

When I got back out, they'd gotten to their car safe and left. But I remember feeling... So broken. It was like a wave of realization hit me. My life was changing. I was less safe.

And then... At last year's TDOR, I saw Elliot staring at the candles. And he was crying. He was having that same moment. It just didn't manifest as rage so much for him. There was definitely anger in his voice as he described his emotions but... he just looked so dejected. He was realizing the long hard road before him. Like I had. Ever since then, I have tried to send upbeat trans memes to the ever-dying group chat, hoping he'll find something good in that.

I wonder if that's what my face looked like. Defeated.

Elliot is a strong kid and I really hate that he and other queer and trans kids will have to go through these things. I hate it. But right now... It's a thing I cannot change for them.

I also just... Everything was far more underground feeling if that makes sense. Like, it... Wasn't as advertised for a long time. There were no news spotlights about our events. Good or bad. And... A core group of the time would show up. People would come and go but I would just sit there watching, never leaving. Always there. Sometimes people would move away. Sometimes they'd feud with the group. And sometimes... They died. And left their books to TSA. I still have a copy of the celluloid closet I have thusfar refused to read. It's too much. I can't.

There's this rich history of queerness in America. And we all know it. We queers know our history. But like many, ours is a story told orally. Very few written records exist of the early days of consistent uprising. Because you could get thrown in jail and that'd be proof of your homosexuality.

I know a fair bit of Evansville's (and the surrounding area's) history. But mostly a couple years before I joined (joined 2008) onward. I know there was a bar called Equals in Owensboro a few years back. Couldn't tell you when it closed but it was before my parents booted me(2013) but after I'd graduated high school (early 2010). Used to see ads for it in the newsletter. Never went. Was never old enough and it was in Owensboro. Went to Brickhouse once before it shut down. With Jessi. Ran into Jake Svetska. Hadn't seen him in years. Jake wasn't the brightest bulb in the box but deep down, he was a good guy. Josh on the other hand... Manipulative and kind of shithead in general. But dumb as a box if rocks. They dated for like a week before Josh upped the cling to maximum overload and Jake was like "Um, no."

Josh is "engaged" nowadays. And he's actually been engaged for years as opposed to how he used to declare he and a guy engaged and then they'd break up after like a minute of that because he hadn't even proposed and we were all like 15 - 18 year olds. He and Randy (Randi at the time) would go through twelve people a day between the two of them it seemed. Randy would find a new girl and have her calling him all kinds of names before he'd basically dump all his shit to be an ass to her. And then act like this had never happened twenty thousand times before and that she was crazy. He was a control freak and honestly probably abusive. Idk.

And Caitlin. Heard she is doing well. Can't remember if she moved away or not. Eliot (not Elliot) is doing great things. Super proud of him. Does a lot of radical work.

Katie... She's... An ex-gay therapy advocate. And works with Eren. One day she stopped coming and I asked eventually and was told "She has a boyfriend. She's saying she's not gay now. We're leaving it alone." Learned later that her parents forced her into it. College tuition or be a gay. Saddest thing too. She was a nice person. I hope one day she can unlearn all that and be happy.

Emily is still around and is still a waitress. She and Kris broke up a couple years back but are still close friends. Emily is poly anyway so she probs saw no real need to be bitter. I don't think Kris was really cut out for being poly/with someone who's poly. And that's fair and Emily is smart enough to understand that (Honestly believe she's super smart.)

Jim has severe health issues and will probably die within the next five years.

Eddie is still with the same guy he no longer loves.

Mark is still a flaming garbage can who thinks he's better than everyone and has this deep fetish for british culture as if it's superior (which he has explicitly stated btw)

Paul... Still creeps me out. Like he's been a dick to me before. But like... He creeps me out and I am not entirely sure why.

There were more. But... I'm not sure the others were really worth getting into. Those were the ones I knew best.

Zed is still around clearly. Working for the city. But... They... Things were weird back in the day. We kinda hated each other. Like a lot. We were absolutely awful to each other and idk how we ended up friends but it's definitely Grover and the fact that we were both fighting against Wally together.

I don't need to tell you all about what's happened on Wally's front lol.

Michael moved away and Married Ricky. Always hated Michael. He was such a self-important ass with no concept of the idea that throwing perfectly good things out was wasteful and taking things home that would otherwise be in the trash is not greedy. Ricky was chill though.

Gabriel overdosed too much and has seizures now.

There were a few more but I'm blanking on them.

Things are different. I'm... Still expecting things to suddenly go back. Like... One day I'll wake up in my parent's house. In my bed. And it'll be 2011. And I'll have my coping mechanisms set to what they can do to help me. Which... I don't truly want that. My life really sucks sometimes but there are some very good moments, too. And... Idk. If that did happen, I think I'd just get off my parent's insurance, get into ECHO and pay out of pocket (I would still have money in bonds) and wait. For Sara. Or maybe I'd just go find her outside of ECHO. Idk. Something. Drop out of school if I even started yet. Get a place, apply for SSI. But... Idk that's all just what ifs. I don't have those what ifs. I have now. And here. And idk. I think I needed to get all that out.

[itsjaybullme]

The Sexiest Celebrity Halloween Costumes of All Time

1 of 18

1. Mariah Carey

David Westing/Getty Images

The super-successful Mariah Carey always had a way with her head-turning, attention-grabbing outfits, and Halloween is no exception. She did so this time dressed in a sexy mermaid costume. 

2 of 18

2. Ashanti

Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

The Grammy Award-winning R&B singer stunned this night in her sexy cat costume. Sexy and seductive enough to punch her ticket onto this list.  

3 of 18

3. Jessica White

Jemal Countess/Getty Images

Model Jessica White, aside from being drop-dead gorgeous, had all eyes on her as her Halloween costume featured a pretty sizable snake around her neck. 

4 of 18

4. Kim Kardashian

Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images

Mariah Carey wasn’t the only celebrity on the list who stole the show in a mermaid costume. The always-popular Kim Kardashian did so as well. It’s hard to decide who did it better. 

5 of 18

5. Alessandra Ambrosio

Jerod Harris/Getty Images

Only model Alessandra Ambrosio could look runway ready on the one day that you're supposed to dress as outrageous as possible. Her Queen of Hearts costume is definitely deserving of this list. 

6 of 18

6. Carmen Electra

Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images

Carmen Electra nailed a throwback costume from when she played Baywatch babe lifeguard Lani McKenzie on the TV show and the original movie.

7 of 18

7. Heidi Klum & Gigi Hadid

Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images

In case you're looking for Heidi Klum, last year she took her costume to a new level as she transformed into Jessica Rabbit. On the other hand, Gigi Hadid looks exactly like Sandy from the movie Grease.

8 of 18

8. Beyoncé

Jackson Lee / Splash News

Beyoncé took her nickname “Queen Bee” literally as she showed up in a cute bumble bee costume. She clearly is the queen of everything she does.

9 of 18

9. Kate Upton

Richie Buxo / Splash News

The gorgeous Kate Upton is known for her curvy figure, but stands out here for being bony. Some well-done body paint keeps Upton sexy and unique in this stunning costume. 

10 of 18

10. Jennifer Nicole Lee

KDNPIX/Splash News

Fitness model Jennifer Nicole Lee is most definitely a Wonder Woman. If you live in the warmer regions, Lee will be perfect for you to check out this Halloween on the beach. 

11 of 18

11. Nicole Scherzinger

WeirPhotos / Splash News

The multi-talented Nicole Scherzinger is looking lean in her black leather costume. If a Catwoman remake happens, they might want to look in her direction. 

12 of 18

12. Dorothy Wang

@Parisa/Splash News

Rich Kids of Beverly Hills star Dorothy Wang is already a princess, but wanted to dress as one. Her costume comes complete with a matching tiara.

13 of 18

13. Karrueche Tran

@Parisa/Splash News

Actress and model Karrueche Tran shows off her petite figure in her sleek bunny costume complete with ears and tail.  

14 of 18

14. Abigail Ratchford & Lindsey Pelas

Jackson Lee/Brian Prahl/ Splash News

We can only imagine how many necks Abigail Ratchford and Lindsey Pelas broke that night. As a model, all eyes are on you anyway, but these two took it to a new level on Halloween dressed in sexy genie costumes. 

15 of 18

15. Nicki Minaj

Photo Image Press / Splash News

Nicki Minaj has become an absolute pop-star who loves to have fun. Minaj shows off her curves in this sexy fairy costume. 

16 of 18

16. Katya Elise Henry

Instagram / katyaelisehenry

Katya Elise Henry is a true workout warrior and has earned the crown of Gym Crush in the past. Her lovely figure fills out this cop costume perfectly. 

Click here to see the full post. 

17 of 18

17. Lottie Moss

Ricky Vigil M / Getty

With all of the over-the-top Halloween costumes out there, sometimes keeping it simple is the way to go. This look especially goes great on Lottie Moss in this dress, with skeleton hands right over her bust. 

18 of 18

18. Monica Sims

Paul Archuleta / Getty

On the opposite end of the laid back theory for Halloween we have Monica Sims. This playmate left little to the imagination as a moto x racer in a barely there costume. 

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