#tragedy isn't beautiful being healthy and happy and working on getting better is beautiful actually

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recovery quote of the day except its the recovery quote of every day all day all the time: “this is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain” (- ursula k leguin)

this!! this quote!! i won’t beat myself up for romanticizing my own suffering, because it was a coping mechanism a much younger version of me took up when they were hurting and scared and didn’t know how to fix it so they decided to embrace it. they were doing their best. but i will unlearn that behavior because  the longer i romanticize it the longer i want to Stay in it, and there is no point in that!!! pain is boring!! being sad and self destructive is so dull and monotonous and it Feels all rebellious and wild and Alive but it is killing me. there is nothing alive about that!! hope is rebellious kindness is Living learning and growing and exploring and healing is wild!! i am so tired of being all muted and subdued and sick. it’s not helping me, it’s eating at my energy and focus and taking up my time that i could be using to learn new things or pick up new hobbies or consume new media or even just rest.

anyways yeah lmao i am feeling very strongly about this currently. nobody is obligated to read this obv btw, i am just screaming into the void bc i am Going Through It but /pos for the first time in a while

#tw vent #? #kind of? #more of like #a ramble #about how things r going for me rn lmao #but yeah like. im done glorifying my own pain so i feel all hot and tragic instead of fucked up and sick and Killing Myself Very Slowly #tragedy isn't beautiful being healthy and happy and working on getting better is beautiful actually #castle's musings #personal #ok to reblog

[kawaiijellymonster]

Thinking about the tragedy of Akihiko x Ugetsu. I know he was kind of the "drama ship" or whatever in the fandom who wanted Ugetsu out of the way and for Akihiko and Haruki to just get together already. But I think that relationship was really central to the main theme of the show, which is that you can love different people in different ways, similarly that one kind of love while important to you can be unhealthy for you.

The main example in the snow is Yuki and Mafuyu who loved each other so much, but it was also a kind of unhealthy codependent love where neither knew what to do without one another, they were their entire worlds and didn't know how to cope with the emotional disconnect of their fight. Yuki thought Mafuyu should understand why he didn't want him in the band and Mafuyu didn't understand why Yuki didn't want him. In every other instance, they were borderline telepathic. That love was important and it was valid, it made them who they were, but it also wasn't healthy which is part of why it crashed and burned.

We rehash this with Akihiko and Ugetsu. Aki was drawn to Ugetsu, he was this incredible beautiful talented fairy, being around all that talent was addicting. He really loved Ugetsu I think, aside from just the drug-like nature of being around someone amazing, he kept trying to make the relationship work functionally. But, it was an Icarus kind of love because it made Aki feel inadequate. It made him feel like he wasn't doing enough and that maybe if he practiced harder he could do better. When Ugetsu got caught up in the music it made him question if Ugetsu really cared about him. Their different musical talents created a different kind of power differential that you might see otherwise in significant age gaps where one keeps wondering if they matter enough, (good enough, are loved enough, offer enough to the relationship, etc) and the other is largely unaffected until it blows up. Ugetsu knew it wasn't working but also didn't possess the ability to talk it out and figure out how to make it work because his whole world revolved around music, everything else couldn't compare. Again this isn't a "bad" love, when it started it was really beautiful and they were both really happy. But I think it's best demonstrated by the quote "We all want to be loved by someone in a way that makes sense to us" and they weren't able to love in a way that met the long-term needs of one another. They both loved each other but there was an emotional disconnect like when you love someone who likes to be hugged and you keep giving them presents because you like gifts and hate to be touched and they keep hugging you and you hate it. POINT BEING, THE LOVE WAS THERE, IT DIDN'T HELP ANYTHING, IT ACTUALLY HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING, BUT IT WAS THERE, AND THAT'S THE PART THAT MATTERS.

#i'm obsessed with tragic romances #the kind where people love eachother and it hurts but its there and you don't know how to love them right but the person matters #personally i really connected to the ugetsu relationship because of my gymnastics experience #I loved gymnastics alot but I didn't have the talent and it hurt to see other ppl who did just do better #it made me feel inadequate and it made me push myself #I loved gymnastics but gymnastics didn't love me back and I never found out how to do it so it didn't hurt me and I had to move on #Given #Ugetsu #akihiko x ugetsu #akihiko x haruki #mafuyu x yuki #mafuyu x uenoyama #meta #thoughts #tragic ships #love in a tragedy