#this was super easy and effective

[catwalk-kitty]

over the past week I de-yellowed my Lorna and a bunch of other dolls/parts I had using this method. Here are different results I achieved in case this helps anyone. Some details are added in alt text

#dolls #dollblr #doll repair #doll customization #doll collector #uh #doll nudity / #? #this was super easy and effective #the article tells you to check on dolls but I personally just left them in the sun for entire day and they were just fine #not pictured: a mh cam head with bad paint staining that didn't go away at all (I expected that)

[scatterbrainedbot]

Hello :D

You're so cool

Anyway have you thought that in your rat sons au Splinter might outlive the boys?

You're very cool :D love your stuff dude

(tw for some blood, light gore, implied overdose (kinda??))

hi copper!!! this is a fantastic question!

so obviously typical irl rats have far shorter lifespans than the average irl tortoise. according to google (yes, be awed by my spectacularly in-depth wealth of research) the average pet rat lives between 2-4 years ish, and the oldest on record lived to be about 7. meanwhile, an African spurred tortoise (Splinter's species) averages more around a 50ish year lifespan in captivity, tho is suspected to possibly exceed 75 or more in the wild.

Now, the mutation does give us a lot of wiggle room for playing with these numbers. For the rat sons boys, id say their natural lifespan probably clocks in at about 45-55 years old? definitely not old by human standards, but not young young either. (though, its also important to note that the boys were exposed to the mutagen just days after being born.)

For Splinter, meanwhile, aging is slightly more complicated. He lived the vast majority of his life as a regular normal African spurred tortoise (well, non-mutated at least. there were perhaps some shenanigans of a more mystical variety going on before he was mutated, but thats a separate matter) He was about 70ish i think? when the boys were born and they were all exposed to the mutagen. so he is already distinctly an old man turtle papa. id guess he'd probably still have another eh lets say 25-30 years after his mutation. he could probably push it a little farther even with some mystic nonsense, but when push comes to shove id say his 'natural' post-mutation lifespan would put his death like a solid decade or two before his sons.

of course, the tricky part of the matter is that theres no way for Splinter to know any of this. theres no way for him to know how the mutation affected them all, or if it even affected them all in the same way. especially since the boys dont show many physical signs of mutation for the first few years, and just kinda look like normal rats, (albeit with a more human sort of intelligence) — what sort of health standard do you hold them to? what if they simply dont show external signs of sickness or old age anymore? how do you actually know if something is wrong?

for a while there Splinter is very worried that one of his babies will just essentially reach the end of their normal rat lifespan, fall and not get up again.

so mostly, he just tries to live in the moment, enjoying whatever time he does have with his little ones, taking each day as a gift <3

still,

that fear

never

really

goes

away.....

#cue the 2003 tmnt dramatic Shredder sound effect TM #my art #rat sons #tmnt au #ask reply #TOOK ME A FULL MONTH TO ANSWER AND IM STILL NOT SUPER PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS BUT #also apologies if shits incohierent im v sick rn #but thank you so much for the question copper!! #a parents grief and terror at the thought of outliving their children #always gets me #and boy howdy these rat babies do Not make that shit easy for ol Splinter #all of them have brushed too close to death too many times #tbh thats probably why he started teaching them ninjutsu etc #like yeah yeah discpline and routine and practice all excellent lessons #but also #yall squishy babies and ur father is Stressed please learn to fight good so its one less thing he has to worry about #sorry splints theyre hamatos now theyre destined for danger #cw blood #cw gore

[louismygf]

some louis tomlinsons i never posted ^_^

#louis tomlinson #louisupdates #louisprojectstracks #lfltracks #mindofwalls #tracksintheam #usertomlinsonsource #dailytomlinson #im not Getting his likeness it's making me so insane #does it look like him?!!?!? no but if i caption it louis Then u will know #anyw these r sketches that still look kinda presentable to me #souwee if these look unfinished unpolished it's bc they are shdjdjd #vans louis & chemical formula louis were way back in 2021 (when i first became a fan) #afhf one some time in 2022 #all the others were drawn in feb 2023 except the aotv one which was march 2023 #aotv being. the one where he's in a suit yup #i wanna practice drawing him some more. ive been practicing when i have time (not a lot) since 2021 basically. he's become my muse kinda ! #i need to work on my realism🥲 it's the effect of never ever stanning a real person... so all ive drawn my whole life is anime&cartoons LOL #i have to draw him everyday i wanna like. devote all my free time into getting my fanart of him to look Right #you look like youd be easy to draw BITCH. if that's an insult then saying louis is hard to draw must be high praise!!!!! #ignore the fact that it may be just a skill issue on my end #if you read this far... erm... thanks! rbs are super appreciated thank you! ❤️ #my louis #liz.art

[existentiol]

something that pisses me off in RA is that Flanagan will occasionally hype up Pauline as this super important and prominent figure in Will’s life, even treat her as a proxy for the mother he never knew, and yet will just refuse to show it beyond the like. two or three (personal) conversations that they have in canon. I get that he was attempting to make her an important person in Will’s life but why not do that by actually making her an important person in Will’s life

#hey Flanagan I hate to tell u but just because she’s married to Will’s father figure does not automatically make her his mom figure #what REALLY annoys me is how easy it would have been for him to connect her & will #like hey. if only there were a pretty clear gap in Will’s education that halt couldn’t fulfill - say for example mmmm diplomacy? #(​cause we all know how gifted halt is at conflict resolution) #then he’d have a valid reason to seek out a master of diplomacy for lessons in negotiating compromises & treaties #but no I guess not. Will’s just naturally good at diplomacy despite never really being exposed to it #yk what extra sucks? #if Pauline HAD taught will about treaties & stuff then him receiving the last name treaty wouldve been 1000x more meaningful #it would’ve spoken to her influence on him and solidified her as a sort of parental figure in her own right #AND as an extra extra bonus: if she came to the cabin to teach will about negotiation tactics and such #then we could’ve gotten more halt/Pauline interactions. as in: we could’ve actually seen them being in love ON SCREEN instead of just being #told that they loved each other #will could’ve had a chance to see how much the two of them mean to each other. and then he would’ve had some actual basis for a speech #at their wedding or whatever #but yeah no why do that when we can just imply that will & Pauline got super close off screen? same effect right????? #ranger’s apprentice #pauline dulacy #halt o’carrick #will treaty #I love these books so so much don’t get me wrong. but there are just some things…… #anyway. #jackie rambles

[teecupangel]

So i got a AC x Venom/Marvel crossover idea that ive been toying around with recently that i wanted to share:

So the reason that Symbiotes dont work so well with bonding is mostly the whole "We need to eat brains to live" thing clashes with most superhero morals, but Assassin's kill all the time so that could be a match made in heaven?

So, we could do this 2 ways: 1) is that desmond gets a symbiote when he and Lucy break out of Abstergo. Desmond stepped in some weird white and red goo, but with Lucy running ahead he couldnt really spare a thought to it. So, when he gets shoved in the trunk he gets to bond with the symbiote. Its a misfit just like him, completely alone in a world where you cant tell anyone who you truly are for fear of being discovered/abandoned/abused. So why not be misfits together? Desmond gets major flak for being such a chocolate addict, but hes losing hus mind over here so he gets his chocolate. He doesnt tell anyone about his friend until the templars show up and he and symbiote goes on an all you can eat buffe to everyones horror.

Or 2) where Desmond's body is recovered by Abstergo and during a containment breach a symbiote gets to his body and revives it(Isu bullshit FTW!) and goes on a rampage before dissapearing. Until Erudito gets a call on the emergency line from someone claiming to be Desmond.

Thoughts & Notes:

I imagine the symbiote to kinda look like Carnage & Anti-Venom, mainly being white with red details: his fingers are blood red that fade into black the closer to the hand you get until the black bleeds to the white in the middle of the fore-arms(the legs are the same). Instead of the spider symbol on the chest and back, he has the AC logo.

In option 1, idk what name would fit the symbiote, but in nr.2 id defo say they would name themselves Revenge for what Abstergo did to them.

Desmond would at first have issues eating people, but the symbiote does need it to live and if they stick to Templars and bad guys hes happy, so eh. Just make it a quick and clean kill, its the assassin way.

Idk how the others would really react really, but Bill would defintly go "This we can use, you are the perfect Assassin now", much to Desmonds frustration. Does Bill even see him as his son anymore?

Im all out of ideas now, what do you think? ^^

The origin of the Symbiote can be:

If we’re sticking to keep this as a Marvel/Venom/Spider-Man crossover, the Symbiote keeps its Marvel origin

If we’re keeping this contained into AC world, we can morph the Symbiote into a failed Isu experiment. In this route, the Symbiote could have been a failed plan to create an armor that can withstand the Solar Flare. It gained sentient due to some sort of Solar Flare-induced mechanical failure in its containment or lab and it spent centuries being alone until Abstergo got it.

Regardless of which route we choose, the idea would be: In Abstergo’s hands, it was studied and experimented on without realizing it was sentient which meant Abstergo was hurting it without realizing it.

This way the symbiote would have a reason to hate Abstergo and the Templar Order.

Or, you know, he could just like Desmond and be like “I like you so I’ll eat them.” kind of deal.

Another way that can be a combination of Way 1 & 2, Desmond got the symbiote when he returned to Rome to rescue Bill.

During the chase and ‘fight’ scene between Desmond and Cross, Cross could have accidentally shot the symbiote’s container and Desmond stepped on it in his mad dash to take down Cross as soon as possible.

The symbiote only started talking to him once he’s back in the Grand Temple and he believes it’s a more severe version of the Bleeding Effect first.

Actually…

Regardless of which Way we go for, Desmond wouldn’t immediately believe that he has a symbiote. He would cling to Lucy’s words that he’s hallucinating thanks to the Bleeding Effect and he would think the symbiote is more or less his mind trying to keep him sane by creating a weird sorta-not-sorta-shapeless being that seemed to be a mirror image of himself: completely alone in a world where he cannot tell anyone who he truly was for fear of being discovered, abandoned and/or abused.

The first time the symbiote would make itself known to everyone would be either from a battle with Abstergo (for Way 1 &2) or to actually protect Desmond from the device’s recoil because, while it cannot take the full brunt of the Solar Flare, the device’s recoil? Yeah, could totally do that.

Other Unorganized Notes:

I’m kinda imagining the Assassin insignia to start out more like ink blots with small veins stretched outward and the more Desmond and the symbiote ‘connect’, the more the Assassin insignia becomes clearer until the ink blots disappear but it’s an Assassin insignia that has small vein-shaped lines stretching outward.

I kinda like the idea that the symbiote’s name would be connected to either having an Assassin as its host or eagles in general. On the top of my head: Revenge (like you explained), Soar (which gives us a chance to make a lame joke of someone mishearing it as “Sore”), Flight, Leap, Hidden… or, you know, we can go for “Assassin” because no one can think of a better name or even “Bleed” because sometimes the symbiote suit looks like it’s bleeding and as a reference to the wrong idea they have that this might have been some kind of genetic mutation caused by the Bleeding Effect.

Shaun and Rebecca would freak out (Lucy too if we’re setting this in a timeline where the symbiote’s connection to Desmond made him stop before he stabbed Lucy) but they’d try to understand. Shaun would definitely be more on the side of poking it to see what it does because his self-preservation flipflop a lot while Rebecca is more worried about its effect on Desmond’s overall health in general.

Bill would definitely go “we can use this” the first time he heard of it then ask if Desmond’s alright later but, by then, the damage has been done. Even if Bill is genuine in his concern, Desmond don’t fucking care anymore.

The symbiote is the easiest way to stop Desmond’s Bleeding Episodes although it also likes to talk to his Bleeds. Altaïr finds it fascinating. Ezio is wary of it. Ratonhnhaké:ton just talks to it normally although there’s a hint of cautiousness in his tone.

It would be funny if the symbiote starts Bleeding Desmond’s ancestors once they reached a certain ‘connection level’ but instead of its personality being overwritten by the Bleed, it’s like the symbiote creates another ‘head’ to house the Bleed instead. This turns out to be the best way to keep Desmond from Bleeding but they can’t control who Bleeds, him or the symbiote… not yet anyway.

#it was meant to be symbiote focused #but i accidentally added the bleeding effect #sorry about that #shaun and rebecca are trying to be supportive #but they’re worried #super worried #so if you want desmond to go rogue #this is an easy setup to do it #just make desmond feel their worry and misunderstand it as distrust for him #not the symbiote #and not believing him #when he says he’s fine and this is a good thing #ask and answer #assassin's creed #desmond miles #fic idea: assassin's creed #fic idea: venom

[malhare-archive]

Thank you so so much to everyone who has donated and reblogged my post, it means the world to me!! It's a massive psychological weight off my shoulders to be able to buy medicine or groceries without obsessively budgeting to the cent to ensure that I'll make rent

#Update for anyone who is wondering: My mom is out of the ICU and back in the regular wing of the hospital which is a good sign #She's fatigued; uncoordinated; and a bit confused but otherwise so far it seems like she doesn't have any super serious side effects #I've been with her at the hospital today and I've had to tell them THREE separate times not to give her fent. Tiring day. But Im home now #Hopefully she'll be able to come home in a few days because I loathe being in the hospital it's kind of triggering #As soon as I was like 'I need to stop oversharing online' I was like 'jk I just had a major family emergency let's tell the internet' #It's not easy for me to be vulnerable so thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me during this #malhare.txt

[elegyofthemoon]

reading springfest now after everything in nagazora is making me crave more fu hua and mei interactions. i feel like thus far in my go through, i've never actually seen them interact, but it's kinda fun that the person who made the recommended reading order put springfest after nagazora (though of course this is probably in preparation for whatevers going on with senti/fu hua rn in ch 19)

but the way that the empyrea isolates herself so she doesn't have any attachment to those who she will outlive and how she winds up becoming lonely as a result threw me back to mei isolating herself in world serpent so that she can protect kiana and just... idk..... i think the two talk about that isolation would be interesting

also. i love fu hua. she's still at the top of my list for best character so i'm just a happy little guy getting more fu hua content now in the story :> yippee fu hua

#idk who to ramble to about honkai so hi #avil plays hi3 #ill probably liveblog my thoughts as i read through springfest and UH #blade of the empyrean! #but im excited :> then after that i gotta go through the 7 blades visual novel ^7^ that one has sushang!! i havent met her in the game yet #but i do have her !!! #its kinda interesting though because sushangs ultimate in hi3 is yanqing's ultimate in hsr. or i guess yanqing as a boss??? #idk. so im like HMMMMMMMM WHATS UP THERE WHATS GOING ON #i wonder if theres a character sorter for hi3 actually #if i had to say who my top 5 are atm for honkai #its probably like fu hua mei kiana kevin and sakura ??? #kiana is so easy. like if i loved oz vessalius how could i NOT love kiana we sure love vessel characters LJSHDFLASKDHFLAKSH #maybe its also recency effect though for mei but also. characters who isolate thinking that its the best htey could do to protect #like NO YOU IDIOT GET LOVED!!!!! GET L O V E D #they kinda get me #AND WELT I FORGOT WELT HOW COULD I DO THAT...... #i feel like welt over kevin tbh #but thats super hard to say on my end alkdjfha #YOU KNOW i wouldve also said rita because i think rita is so fun #but i still dotn know enough about her #but personality wise i think shes so funny in a very stereotypical anime villain esque way LOL #also she is so catty too like what was she doing picking a fight with natasha LKAJHDLAFKJSDFH #OH I ALSO LOVE RITA AND NATASHA... #tbh i havent run into a character that i absolutely Hate in honkai yet.... #at least not that i remember #if i hated them i probably forgot about them LMAOOOOO #like even durandal? i love durandal in the manga. she doesnt really stand out to me MUCH yet in the game but i loved her a lot in the manga #but for me durandal is low on the list for now. but that doesnt mean i dislike her i think shes cool but just hasnt done anything in #particular that caught my attention yet alskjdfahl #rambling WHOOPS ASLKJDFA

[sirwogbog]

And thus I have beaten Risk of Rain Returns. God Providence is cool.

Time for 200 hours of extra runs

#risk of rain #risk of rain returns #Loader gang #Loader isn’t even my favorite character but he sure is effective #glad to see it’s still possible to cheese god by just grabbing some extra charges of his shield skill #it doesn’t make is super easy just kinda easy #Wog Remarks

[dredshirtroberts]

finally tackled the absolute mountain of laundry in various states of cleanliness around my room. now all of it is sorted and put into its respective zones of "away".

#98% of my room being clean with visible floorspace is just finally handling the laundry #i am ashamed and embarrassed that i always have so much dirty laundry #eventually i'll get back to the point i was at when i was the coach of laundry where i'll have like a week's worth of shit to get done #and not a backlog of several months #eventually #and i will be working on not feeling so much shame about the state of my laundry #i don't *like* that i do it but there's nothing inherently immoral about it like the voice of my mother that shouts in my brain thinks #the put away laundry plus the effort i've been making to Make My Bed before sitting in it has helped me feel more settled in the space #so that's good #when i am not as concerned about blocking the various registers in my room i will be in business #(mattress on the floor only fits in one specific corner right by the intake) #(output register is awkwardly directly in the middle of the opposite side of the room which makes arranging the furniture where i'd like it #an interesting endeavor that i'm not super excited in attempting to orchestrate in the future) #i know where i'd *like* things to go #whether or not that'll actually be feasible is another story #also i think i'm going to have to just go through my clothes with the mindset of actually getting rid of things #i threw out a couple pairs of socks because they were worn so thin i'm not sure mending would have fixed the holes #like that that point i'm making a whole new sock and you know what i could do instead? not do that #i also have a lot of Baggage Items i haven't quite gotten around to divesting myself of #(as in the items of clothing have a lot of emotional baggage tied to them that i may or may not be using to negative effect on myself) #lots of old shit lots of things that don't fit lots of things i don't even like actually #but it was free or nearly so and i've just held onto it because free #only a few things are kept because i like wearing them and the texture is nice #so we'll just. go through some stuff and eventually i'll get to the point that even if *all* of my clothes are dirty and on the floor #it doesn't take up my WHOLE goddamn room #that said this has in fact been a problem my whole life and so i don't imagine it's going to be quick or easy to fix lol

[smokedanced]

still absolutely hilarious how i feel like sam's mass effect verse involvement is something that i know more of even than dean's mass effect verse... what with, i don't even write sam as a muse, and it's dean's verse lol.

#; outofsmoke #so many thoughts about sam as this supervillain biotic mercenary leader #possibly taking over eclipse after archangel recruit #and dean secretly being in contact with him all these years without telling anyone #without even telling any potential love interest #dean's second game loyalty mission involving sam going from regular superpowered biotic merc #to his supervillain era #and like the obvious solution for shepard would be to kill sam #but this would lead into disloyal dean or even dean fucking off normandy a #hung up on his baby brother who he practically raised? seem #seems legit #but like sksksksksksksksks #i guess it's because dean is and always will be a tertiary muse for me #someone i like to write but definitely not someone who is easy to write or super fleshed out in comparison to primaries #IF I HAD VOICE FOR HIM I WOULD JUST PICK UP SAM AS A MUSE #i would have a mass effect verse for him ready and all looool #but i write a shitty as fuck sam so nope

[babisawyer]

Late night with the devil was fun because it scared me but also because it had worms! 🪱

#🐇 #I knew it about about demons obviously which I already shouldn’t have watched it #but they kept fucking looks into the screen and directly speaking to me so I was fucking bugging #I also can’t decide if the cgi is like camp to me or not #like movies like this where it’s meant to look like found footage from a different time having super obvious cgi feels weird #and it’s hardly ever in a good way but I don’t feel like I minded it here??? I hated the cgi black vomit though that would’ve been SO fun #as a practical effect and super easy too. the chair lifting also #but I thought it was fun. I need to consult my pendulum now #omg also tell me why one of the cut away cards was a drawing of the twin powers and it made me gasp like I’d been jumpscared lmfao

[vampirecatboy]

every so often i enter mini-hyperfixation mode and spend like an hour or so trying to assign partner pokemon to my ocs before getting bored and/or frustrated and closing all the bulbapedia tabs i have inevitably opened, and i enter a sleeper state until something else awakens the hyperfixation and the cycle starts anew

#stuff and things #anyway Aja's partner pokemon is Ninetales #easy pick it's the fire fox #Weiss i had it narrowed down to a few #the only of which i can remember is Primarina #and my reasoning for that is it's a very high femme pokemon #but it's the final evo of a starter #who only have a 1/8 chance of being female #what i'm saying is Primarina is the drag queen pokemon so obvi i'd consider that for Weiss #it'd also be super effective against Ninetales which fits for Aja and Weiss' dynamic lol #but the colors don't fit #Weiss needs black gray white red purple #wait duh #Gothitelle of course #now i just need to figure out Dmitri #boy what the fuck are you #are you Bisharp #there are so many tags here #my bad i'm not quite out of the hyperfixation

[merriclo]

bro just beat totk. goddamn.

#spoilers incoming #!!!! #anyone who doesn’t want to be spoiled gone?? yall are gone? yeah?? ok good. don’t continue. spoilers. #ok so. the final battles were kind of super fucking easy 😭😭😭 #and ngl i’m a little disappointed that it didn’t include like. anything from the zonai. we could barely use the sages. #the arm was useless aside from bettering weapons #aside from that tho beautiful fight the animations and visuals were gorgeous #the story was sick as hell #while it definitely could’ve been more effective in some ways it was still great overall #tulin dropping in and being like ‘you don’t have to fight alone’ I LOVE YOU LITTLE GUY #don’t mind that the final battle was literally just Link and then Link using Zelda to get leverage on dragon ganon 🏃‍♂️💨 #still a wonderful game tho. wish the sky was involved more and that the depths were advertised more #bc. so much of the game is in the depths lmaoo #and the zonai research team felt underutilized 😭 for how often you ran into them they did very little #aside from the one quest with Paya and Tauro #idk. wish they had more. like they could’ve been the one investigating caves and such and that how you came across murals like the ones— #—under the castle which could’ve been the memories instead of the glyphs which were difficult to get in order #‘uh they told you how to get them in order—‘ not everyone immediately went to the forgotten temple 💀 #sonia dying was the second glyph i saw bc i went out and explored thinking ‘oh it’s a non linear game!! surly the memories will match that.’ #plus the grave glyph was very obvious #the memories and the sky are rlly my biggest gripes w the game i think. they’re good but idk they could’ve been a lot better #loved the depths tho i was all up in the depths #i couldn’t get enough. still can’t tbh #love that shit #it’s so cool #the shrines were super fun as well #loved the mario kart one #and the clothes were all super fun to find!! #why are lynels still harder to beat than ganon for me 💀 #uhhhh good game. rlly good. link is so fucking pretty and so is riju and i love tulin what a cutie pie

[vonaegiremblem]

It's a shame that Fire Emblem Cipher is discontinued because you know that they would have made up a design for the Emblem of Foundations and it would have owned

#fire emblem #fe #fee #engage #I finally got around to beating engage #after grinding out every single support #I enjoyed the last couple of chapters; though they were profoundly easy due to having a cavalcade of busted units #due to all the grinding I had to do to get supports #the idea of having emblems representing the bosses of other games and making their associated emblem give effective damage was cool #though I did not see a third of them because I obliterated sombron so quick #I probably could have skipped the second batch too if I had focused down on him a bit harder #anyway engage was absolutely better than three houses. the gameplay is fantastic and it leans super hard into its campiness

[incendiorum-arch]

heat has absolutely zero fucking effect on io. if it's 100F out, they'll still wear long-sleeves and jeans and sleep underneath all of the blankets. they cannot physically be burned by heat and they will absolutely abuse that fact while in the kitchen, grabbing hot pots and pans with bare hands and just blinking innocently when people react to it.

#◜❝ 𝙰𝙱𝙾𝚄𝚃. ⟩⟩ i’m losing myself to rage. ❞◞ #and. I mean??? they don't need to cool down like ever so they don't sweat for that reason 😅 #other things have no effect on io either #like smoke #they can inhale it just fine without any negative reaction #hot water? SUPER hot water? like would burn other people? io loves it #hot drinks? easy peasy io will drink em just fine

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#im seeing a new psychiatrist next week. #&when i prep for specifically these types of appts its really important for me to like. sit. w myself. &bleed lmao. #metaphorically. of course. lmao. #but its a process thats important to me bc like. i dont. want to go into an appt like this unsure about my goals #&ESP unsure about what about me i. dont want. to give up. defective or not. something can only be a mistake if it isnt useful. #whether its a cause or effect or nature or nurture doesnt matter in the end. theory isnt relevant when talking about actual impact #except for comparison which is ultimately the goal w these periods: me now vs me post-intake lmao. what makes me. idk. me? #what cant i live without? what cant i live with? what am i willing to have diagnosed&dissected&medicated? #the new doc is bc this Bad mania stint has been. bad. lmao. &it isnt making it easy to see myself thru a lense #that isnt super fucked up&broken. idk if im thinking too highly of myself or being too self depricating. #idk if anything is worth keeping if the goal is supposed to be. settling? i dont think im made to settle lmao. #my physical health would probably be a lot easier to manage if i wasnt. oh. batshit insane. lmao. so i cant fault the hypothetical. #but also i dont think i was. made. to settle. lmao. the anxiety i get when my skin feels too tight is too big a part of me. #idk who i would be without the constant. hunger. lmao. #i feel absolutely everything in extremes. obsession is like. my default setting. its also what i operate best at. #both my fear&my hope is having that. disappear. having the intensity simmer down permanently. #i am. ravenous. lmao. i can never describe this constant. feeling. w/o referencing v specifically hunger. lmao. #i know it probably isn't like. healthy. lmao. but this feeling of. intensity. that makes up like the backbone of my whole personality. #when its gone i feel. nothing lmao. #maybe its bc ive overloaded myself so much that not feeling EVERYTHING feels like not feeling. anything. lmao. #maybe its bc i. dont want. to go back on lithium. #i dont like. who it makes me. or the fact that it comes out at times like these where its easier to knock me out than deal w me #so they inadvertantly make it impossible for me to do the evisceration i need to get myself back together. lmao. #also i just. dont like not feeling. lmao. #this glorification of coldness&apathy&individualism to the point of toxicity is so. boring. to me. lmao. #i dont want to not feel. i would rather feel everything than nothing. i would keep my obsessive personality&my obnoxious intensity #if it was a choice between that or floating in a constant state of half disassociation where it isnt even worth my time #to go out&find trouble&be my favourite type of selfdestructive. lmao. #im rambling&also being horrifically overdramatic lmao. if i survived one round of the stuff i can sure as fuck survive more. #... i just would prefer not to. lmao.