#this is not a callout for book blogs just some observations on reading culture and how it changed with the internet

[rhysintherain]

I don't think most people, even the ones who regularly read books, appreciate how much the internet has changed book culture.

In the early days, when manuscripts had to be handwritten, or each letter had to be set by hand, books were as much a status symbol as they were entertainment. But that's not how it was in the last decades before the internet.

When I was a kid, I lived in a house with walls lined with books. I'm not exaggerating when I say my mother had thousands of them. They weren't expensive; most of them cost around 25 cents at thrift stores and garage sales, with a few notable exceptions, like medical encyclopedias and obscure off-gridder manuals on how to make your own solar panels and build a house out of discarded bottles or whatever.

So, even though we were pretty poor, we had books. Even then, between my mother's lousy taste in fiction and my absurd pace of 3-5 books a month, I was constantly cycling material from the public library. Books were on every available flat surface, to the point you often had to move some to sit down. The books I was reading were piled beside my bed. The ones my mom was reading were on the coffee table. You could tell my books because they had streaks of nail polish, like ghostly pencil marks, where I'd dragged my finger across the page and my dry nail polish had left a line. If I was going on a trip I had to guess how much I was going to read, and weigh being without a new book against the space it would take up in my bag. Stories were readily available, but they were only accessible through physical volumes, one per story.

Don't get me wrong, the internet was there; it had fanfiction, which I occasionally read, but it didn't have books the way it does now.

But now we live in a world where books are available anywhere. Even if I don't have internet everywhere, I can download hundreds of books on my phone, or thousands on my Kindle.

Most of the ebooks I buy cost less than 10 dollars. My sister didn't pay for books through all of highschool, she just read pirated pdfs on her laptop.

And books don't hold the power over stories that they used to. You can find stories in twitter threads, and tumblr posts, and independent blogs, and fanfic sites.

Just as the mass manufacture of books brought the consumption of fiction to the masses, the internet brought them authorship. Anyone can write an original story, or a reimagining of a classic one, or the next chapter in their favorite saga. They don't need to meet copyright requirements, and they don't need to sell it to a publisher. All they need to do is write it and post it, and people will find it.

So now we're back in a world where physical copies of commercially distributed stories are a status symbol. Self-proclaimed Book People post pictures of their shelves, aesthetically arranged by color, and talk about how eReaders "just aren't the same", and treat books as sacred vessels of narrative, too precious to be marked or folded, even though they could get the same story for free online.

Because anyone can have stories, anyone can make stories, through the internet. A 14-year-old reads crime fiction for free on her laptop; a single mom gets through her days reading 3-dollar romance novels on her battered Kobo; a bank teller writes fanfiction about his favorite monster-hunting tv show that have far better character development and pacing than the original.

And the Book People tell us this cheapens stories. They're right, of course, but only in an economic sense.

You see, simply reading isn't enough to prove you have the money to buy books and the space to store them anymore. Anyone can read nowadays. So we've moved the status of the activity onto the aesthetic: shared stories to the feel of paper under our fingers, literary critique to carefully curated "currently reading" photos.

In a hyperliterate society, how do we define ourselves as readers? Not by our stories, but by our books.

#books #reading #fiction #stories #i finally managed to get my complicated feelings about #book bloggers written out #this is not a callout for book blogs just some observations on reading culture and how it changed with the internet #sometimes it makes me a little sad #what would Anne have thought? or Matilda? or Lazlo? #would they be sad at what books have become? #or elated at the possibilities for stories?

[chaosbcrne]

i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.

i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.

before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.

as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.

the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.

for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.

there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements. 

however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.

what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.

for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.

it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.

for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.

obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.

if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.

if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.

i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail [email protected] is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.

as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.

as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.

if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.

it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.

thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.

once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.