#they weren't jumping at shadows they were responding to real threats when isolation was the only option and thx to them i'm here

[monsterkissed]

anyway reading my brains book more and as a prsn diagnosed as Resistant to treatment a lot it is. almost annoying to have things spelled out like: if a prsn is doing smth bad for brain, and they keep doing it, even tho it’s clearly making them bad in the brain, maybe there’s like, a reason? that’s personally resonant to them on some level? and dismissing that out of hand won’t help?

like for e.g. i get stressed about writing things, and i would talk ab this with psychs and therapists and get told variants on:

well it’s supposed to be a fun hobby so if it’s not fun don’t do it!

what’s the point if it’s not fun? it’s not doing anything for you

the stress is your brain’s way of saying you should go outside instead

all the anxieties about writing are silly anyway, who cares if it’s “good” or if people “like it” a healthy prsn wouldn’t worry about that

why not stop writing for a month and see how you feel?

a more active hobby would make you feel much better btw have you ever jogged?

mnundfulness

and it literally never worked or did anything and always left me feeling still bad and faulty but also with the lingering sense of real defensiveness? and anyway i was reading this book and it’s all “hey maybe ppl don’t want to change things ab themselves bc those things represent things they like about themselves or value in their life, not bc they love being miserable for no reason except to annoy their therapists”

and it’s really annoying bc. yeah that’s exactly it isn’t it? i really care about my writing and all the work and skill i put into and it’s important to me on a very fundamental level and no amount of telling me i shouldn’t care about it or that i am caring about it wrong will ever, ever work. there is no version of me as i am, no matter how healthy, that just does not care whether i write and does not care if i write well, because writing matters to me and i like that about me. i do not want to be a person with no anxiety about that. it would be throwing away one of the things i love about who i am. things you love are worth worrying about? i want to take the anxiety i have, that is there to serve a purpose, and dial it back to a point where it can do its job without overshooting and paralysing me. not discard it utterly or demean it and the parts of me it’s there to serve. and that is both more realistic a goal and one that honours a thing about me that gives me joy and purpose.

and idk since reading that and working from that principle i am both feeling better about it generally and also, shockingly, worrying about it less.

#same for all the ppl trying to get me out of social phobia by telling me it's fine everything's fine it's silly to worry #what do u think i went thru? how rude is that to the parts of me that kept me alive when everything was Not Fine? #they weren't jumping at shadows they were responding to real threats when isolation was the only option and thx to them i'm here #and if one day things are Not Fine again i want them still there. still looking for exits. they might have to save me again #i can learn to be more relaxed ab going out and talking to ppl without demeaning that part of me or calling it names #mental health #long post