#they claimed to be defending me to mutuals??? idk my first time hearing about it

[97-liners]

God ur so self righteous it hurts 😭 all u ever do is sit here and throw around ur hot takes and opinions and then expect ur little gremlins to agree with you, but as soon as its another person who has a hot take or an opinion that opposes you, and a few people defend them whether it be a friend or an anon, they are evil, and this is just fatphobia aside like this is EVERY "moral" take you have its just all hot garbage and you being a hypocrit 💀 half the time its stuff that you have literally no say on anyway.

Are you a vampire? Have you always been afraid of mirrors?

"Moral backbone" my ass you just say whatever you will think would appeal to various minorities so you can look like the good guy who happens to be blunt. Its not even being blunt you arent cool for being a cunt towards everyone and it will never be cool. Stick to talking about shit that relates to you and maybe, just maybe, people wouldn't hate on you so much. It's no wonder half of caratblr can't stand ur ass

I dont think this take is as bad as that one time, or well multiple times you have shat on peoples writing styles or the content they write about just because it doesnt fit your vanilla cis straight woman narrative, now thats awful

Or maybe the times you've vagueposted about some of your closest moots just for them to still be here, defending your ass when all you do is talk shit about them constantly

you think i’m just saying what i think will appeal to various minorities. it’s really telling that you think people have the political beliefs they do just to look good. like do you really believe people have the beliefs they do performatively? do you find it hard to believe that people hold beliefs not out of a desire to look good, but because that’s what they believe???

also because this is weird: since when have i vagueposted about mutuals. when have mutuals defended me???? like what are you actually talking about … i don’t care if half of caratblr can’t stand my ass, if they’re that willing to support anything just because a fic writer did it, i don’t really care what they think. like i say it here all the time, i don’t care what y’all think of me. just unfollow me if you don’t want me on your dash.

the main thing i have to say here though. “half of the time it’s shit you have no say in anyway” like i don’t have to be black to think that anti-blackness is bad. this goes beyond whatever this anon is talking about — the problem with “listen to x voices” is that, while it’s important to put oppressed viewpoints in the forefront of discussions, it’s not a free pass out of critical thought. ppl forget “listen to x voices” started out in academic study. it wasn’t about the ppl you choose to defend or the viewpoints you hold publicly. and it’s not about minority voices saying “x isn’t harmful” taking precedence over established theory to the contrary. i think this is something ANY poc understands acutely and painfully because it’s always the conservative and white supremacist sellouts that get put to the forefront. (this includes diasporic poc more so than non-minority people native to their nation. like how irritating that bts has a voice on violence against asian americans when their experience as native koreans has NOTHING to do with the diasporic asian experience!?)

it also gives people an out. if you believe that only x people should talk or care about x issues, then that lets you just sit back and say “well, i’m not x so i’m not involved”… and more irritatingly, it gives you the perceived right to say “well I’M a minority so my opinion is right !!!!”. being a person of color doesn’t make me an expert on racism and i don’t pretend to be an expert. there are white anti-imperialist scholars who have a better understanding of racist power structures than i do and i’m not arrogant enough to just write that off because they’re white.

#jenna is that you lmao #jenna broke mutuals like a year ago when i said it was gross for a NATO korean war solider #to go back to korea on some sort of meaningful memory lane trip #because i sincerely hold anti-imperialist view points that i believe in not just for clout #they claimed to be defending me to mutuals??? idk my first time hearing about it

[rexxdjarin]

(I’m not the anon who sent you hate about Mari!)

I really do mean this in the nicest way possible. This is not intended to insult or belittle you or your writing style at all. I just want to maybe help clear up what some people might find “problematic” about Mari (but the hate anon obviously did a poor job of voicing their complaints because it was very destructive criticism rather than constructive criticism).

I think the misconceptions about Mari stem from the fact that the majority of scenes in both Captain’s Log and Unwritten (I have read both many times) are just smut and lack a true emotional connection between Rex and Mari beyond being physical. That gives off the vibe that their relationship is only rooted in sex and that it’s the only saving grace of the relationship. Sex and love can be mutually exclusive. I understand wanting to write a sexually-liberated female character, because society severely represses women of their sexuality, but sometimes I feel like Rex and Mari are only together because of their physical attraction to one another. Additionally, there is major emphasis on Mari’s beauty from every single character (other than Rex): Shaeeah Lawquane, Omega, Wrecker, Gregor, Echo, Fives, Wolffe...the list goes on. None of her other personality traits are really complimented, just her looks. That might be problematic to some people because it fails to look at Mari as a whole person. Expanding on her intelligence, empathy, and fearlessness in both stories might help counterbalance her seductive nature while not discounting it.

Also, you reblog posts that include details about Rex and Mari’s relationship in the tags, and that’s the only tell about how Mari helps the clones. The audience doesn’t see that in the actual stories because there’s no explicit subplot that shows Mari helping Padmé in the Senate during the Clone Wars. So for those who only read the story, they wouldn’t know Mari’s political background with Padmé, other than an offhand mention of it.

Again, this is no hate toward you. I’m just trying to help elucidate the arguments against Mari. You’re an amazing writer and I admire you so much for your dedication and passion for your stories! I sincerely hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings because that isn’t what I intended at all. I’m open to hearing what your response to these claims, in case I missed something in both stories; you’re the expert!

I don’t even know what to say to any of this. Because despite literally every single thing I’ve put into this story, as much emotion as I can possibly put into the subject matter, I still have people saying and believing this.

Like first of all, Unwritten isn’t finished. I am only 3 chapters in. I have not gotten to explain any of the times she has done things and will do to help the clones politically socially etc. I literally haven’t written them yet.

Captain’s Log started as a reader, so a lot of the things I attribute to Mari weren’t initially in that story because it didn’t start out as being an OC story.

At the end of the day, I feel like I’ve put so many conversations and situations between the two of them that are so much bigger than just sexual stuff.

I’m just writing my stories the best way I can. To sit here and try this hard to dissect my characters and my story is incredibly hurtful. We’re all just here writing stories for fun on the internet. I feel like lately people on here are trying so hard to make me feel like I’m not allowed to do that.

I haven’t written or published anything in so long. I have had a miserable and extremely difficult year as it is which has made writing the stories I love basically impossible. I was really excited to try to get back to my stories. Receiving messages like this from you and others really doesn’t make me want to continue.

“I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings” while simultaneously calling for me to somehow defend my response to these claims….like wow. Idk how anyone would take this any other way but to be really hurt by it.

So thanks for this. Really made me feel awesome.

#I just #I think I need to take a break #clearly that’s what you guys want

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Breakfast? Rio: What's on the menu? Buster: All sorts by the looks Buster: I can't take no credit, like, it's all the girl from last night's doing Rio: At least you were honest Rio: but I'll stay here then Buster: At least come and grab a plate for them Buster: There's shit loads Rio: Just save some Rio: I'm not dealing with the second-hand embarrassment of your morning-after Buster: She's not that bad Buster: And she's not staying long Rio: Bit weird Rio: and trust, she'd rather I didn't Buster: Only 'cause you're making it like that Buster: Don't Buster: Come and eat Rio: Was only next door, you know Rio: not dying to put a face to the voice Rio: 😶 Buster: Suit yourself Buster: Not sorry one of us had a good night Buster: And especially that it was me Rio: Fuck off Rio: don't gloat Rio: not room in the bed for 4 Buster: Shame Buster: Plenty of room in here Rio: Shut up or I'll send them down Rio: swarm of locusts would be preferable Buster: Not much of a threat when it solves my problem Buster: Couldn't get rid of this girl any faster myself Rio: thought she weren't that bad Buster: Doesn't mean I want her getting comfortable Buster: You ain't that bad some of the time but still fuck me off Rio: 😂 Rio: Doubt she's bought her toothbrush, babe Buster: She doesn't need to in order to outstay her welcome, believe me Rio: Dickhead Rio: let her finish her breakfast first, at least Buster: why should I? Buster: Didn't ask her to make it and she got what she really came for Rio: She still did though Rio: Roll with the punches, kid Buster: Says you hiding under the bed covers Buster: I already said my thanks Rio: What have I got to thank her for?! Buster: Breakfast, if I've gotta Rio: I see what you're trying to do Rio: but I'm not scaring her off for you Rio: perfectly capable yourself Buster: And you reckon you're the polite one Rio: I didn't fuck her Rio: not my problem, or responsibility Buster: Dramatic Rio: says you Rio: wanting to make this into a full cast production Rio: poor girl Buster: I was just trying to give you some fucking pancakes or whatever Rio: some fucking pancakes Rio: 😂 Buster: Shut up Rio: You're funny Buster: Obviously Buster: Got many talents Rio: Spare me the list Rio: barely opened my eyes here Buster: Coffee's on Rio: 👍 Rio: you owe me bed delivery Buster: Do I have to fetch and carry for them as well? Rio: they aren't awake but waft some fucking pancakes under their noses and they'll love you forever Buster: I don't owe you that big Buster: In fact, you owe me for last night's heroics. Becoming a habit for you, ain't it Rio: Technically, Edie owes you Rio: take it up with her, like Buster: I told you, I didn't do it for her Rio: Reckon it's more of a habit for you to offer up your services then Rio: but fine, what you want? Buster: I'll think about it Rio: You can have a bonus on the cab money Buster: I don't need that Rio: What do you need? Rio: Already know your silverware's stocked Buster: No rush is there, you don't have anywhere to be until this girl leaves Rio: Would be shaming for you and her if we beat her to the door, yeah Rio: up your game Buster: Enjoy your coffee, babe Buster: You know I don't feel shame Rio: Evidently not Buster: You've got it covered for us both though, like Rio: You what? Buster: You can come out now Buster: She's gone Buster: Stop cringing Rio: That's different Rio: Not my shame to own Buster: There's no shame for none of us to own Rio: You reckon? Buster: Yeah Rio: She's walking it rn Buster: Says you Buster: She's going home happy Rio: You let her take a doggy bag? Rio: Thoughtful Buster: Fuck off Rio: Chill Buster: Chill yourself Buster: Back on the judgement this early Rio: I ain't judging her Rio: empathizing Buster: Whatever Buster: Don't compare me to the cunts you hook up with, cheers Rio: How do you know they're cunts Buster: It doesn't take a genius Rio: Fuck off Rio: and I'm being judgy Buster: Not fun being on the receiving end, is it? Rio: Whatever Rio: Didn't call out your taste Buster: Only 'cause you know it's decent Rio: Decent and expensive aren't always mutually exclusive Buster: I know Rio: Made it to Sunday Rio: got any sins to confess? Buster: Not yet Buster: Still early enough Rio: That's the spirit Rio: Just glad I'm going back with both of 'em and nothing too horrific to hide from the parentals Buster: You're welcome Rio: Claiming that win as entirely your own are you? Buster: As good as Buster: What good were you, like Rio: Ha Rio: you'd have found out if I weren't here Rio: welcome from the drama I saved you from, wanker Buster: Yeah yeah Rio: 🙄 Buster: What you doing today besides giving me grief? Rio: Nothing Rio: Just chillin' 'til we leave Rio: what're you up to? Buster: Football Buster: Come and cheer me on if you want, I know you love it Rio: Ha Rio: Idk, is any of your team fit? Buster: Only the captain Rio: Unless you're coming out and this is the love story of the century Rio: shut up Rio: Indie'd be about it though so why not, time to kill Buster: Alright Buster: Try not to let the enthusiasm go to my head Rio: If you wanted a WAG reckon you just let her leave 🤷 Buster: You're really gutted she's gone, aren't you? I'll give you her number Rio: Funny Rio: as if you've got it saved Buster: Fair Buster: Can't deny that Rio: Mhmm Rio: got your number, McKenna Buster: You wish, babe Buster: No need to go that far Rio: Deny it all you want Rio: 1-0 to me Buster: How do you reckon you scored? Rio: Being generous and just counting from the numbers bit Rio: we know there's been plenty more before but don't reckon you was on top of your game so Buster: Always at the top of my game Rio: Good to know Buster: Didn't see that one coming, with all your insider knowledge? Rio: Had my suspicions but consider it a free kick or whatever Buster: 'Course you did Rio: You can't be surprised? Buster: Nothing surprising about you, babe Buster: I know what I'm getting Rio: Fuck off Rio: Call you basic ONE time Rio: let it go 😏 Buster: Who's gonna make me, you? Buster: Like to see it Rio: I know you would Buster: Scaredy-cat Rio: Nah Buster: Sounds like it Rio: Dunno what you're hearing then Rio: Not me Buster: Prove it Rio: Alright Rio: How? Buster: You tell me Buster: You're the one bossing me about like Buster: Thinking you can tell me anything Rio: Clearly love it Rio: Given you the chance to take control and you've chickened out Buster: 'Cause you're not ready for it, babe Rio: You reckon? Buster: I know Buster: Been giving you chances since you got here Rio: You're crazy Buster: You reckon? Rio: not 100% on that one Buster: At least you're admitting that Rio: Only fair Rio: as you went first there Buster: 😇 Rio: Bit late for that 😂 Buster: Stop trying to get me to church, I see you Rio: You need Jesus! Buster: He needs me Buster: I'm good Rio: Sure he wants you on his team Rio: Idiot 😏 Buster: Who could fill pews faster? Buster: Got girls praying I'll look their way as is Rio: I'm ignoring you now Rio: That's blasphemy and bullshit Buster: Can you? Buster: Good luck Rio: Easy Buster: Go on then Rio: I'm coming down to get food Buster: Need an excuse already Buster: You're shit at this Rio: No, I'm telling you so you vacate Buster: Why would I make it that easy, you've got that covered, so you reckon Buster: I won't even be a distraction like, you're that good at ignoring me, yeah? Rio: I don't need you staring at me Rio: creeper Buster: Just want Rio: Obviously not or I woulda asked you to stay Buster: Obviously you're trying to save face 'cause you couldn't ignore me if you tried Rio: Eurgh Rio: Can't say I didn't try and warn you Rio: I look like hell so enjoy 🖕 Buster: Relax, I'm going Buster: Don't need to see the state of you Rio: Thanks Buster: Purely selfish act Buster: Trying to keep my breakfast down Rio: Changed your tune Buster: She's gone now I can admit it tasted alright Rio: Funny Buster: Accurate Rio: You chat such a load of shite Buster: Should be easy to ignore then Buster: Step your game up, babe Rio: Polite, ain't I Rio: and you're loud, so Buster: More fool you Buster: And none of you are giving me peace & quiet, thanks Rio: You want me to ignore you? Rio: Come tomorrow, wish granted, like Buster: Thank Christ Buster: Can't come soon enough Rio: You and your heroics Rio: Gotta stop offering, like Rio: Learnt your lesson? Buster: I can't help how desperate you are Buster: Gotta sort that yourself Rio: Please Rio: Had it all handled Buster: Nah Buster: You're chatting shite now Rio: Never know now Rio: Hypothetical, init Buster: All I know is you can say please to me next time Rio: Already thinking 'bout the next time Rio: who's desperate? Buster: Gotta Buster: I know what you're like Rio: No gotta about it, boy Buster: Says you Buster: I'm not that cunt Rio: I am? Rio: Charmer Buster: I never said that Buster: I'm just saying I'm not sorry for giving a shit when you come to me needing it Rio: Okay Buster: You sure about that or you wanna take the piss some more? Rio: I weren't Rio: just defending myself Buster: Whatever Rio: It ain't Rio: but you know, IOU Rio: good on my word, whatever you think Buster: Easy to say when I haven't asked for anything yet Rio: Yeah Rio: Try me Buster: When I know what I want, I will Rio: Cool Rio: Know where I am Buster: Yeah

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Most Likely Emotional Abuse/Manipulation, Suicidal Ideation)

So I’m not sure if this whole thing with my family is legit because of events that ended less than a year ago.

Because I’m 95% certain I’ve been emotionally abused before. But it was by a “friend” of mine. I think I may have told you about her before, but I don’t know if I’ve told you the whole story.

(I really hope she doesn’t find this. She’s on tumblr, but I’m not gonna tell you the name because she doesn’t deserve that kind of publicity, I don’t want anyone sending hate her way because fighting fire with fire is a bad idea, and I’m scared she’ll find me again.)

So I moved school districts in seventh grade and, at my middle school, there was this girl in my Adv. English class. We didn’t talk much in middle school, but she seemed nice enough to me. Tall, light hair, pretty slim, dancer-type girl. Let’s call her Alana (I apologize to anyone who’s actually named Alana).

Like I said, Alana and I didn’t talk much in middle school, but the times we did talk, she seemed chill, laid-back, pretty Type-B personality. She was also into theatre and, in high school, we were both in drama and the speech team.

Fast-forward to junior year, around late January/early February, I was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. There was another girl who, by this point, Alana and I were kinda mutual friends with. Let’s call her Misty. Misty had been in choir with me since freshman year and joined our high school theatre sophomore year; she was also on our school’s speech team. Misty and Alana had gotten incredibly close, to the point where they said that everyone’s a 3rd wheel when they’re together, even Misty’s boyfriend.

(Also, I’m pretty certain that the night we got kinda close, Alana told us that she sometimes fishes for compliments? IDK, just keep that in mind as you read on)

I got close to the two of them in early February and told them about my depression and anxiety. I’d never really had a friend group in my life, at least as far as I was concerned, so this was a first. But I was so scared to lose them, so I got a bit clingy, I guess, but especially to Misty. I mean yeah, that was kinda my bad, but I was also fairly suicidal at that point and I was looking for anything to stay afloat. I was having a terrible relationship with my family. And I hated myself so much. I was also in my very first AP course, which was probably not the best idea for my psyche (but it was kinda fun, though. Aside from the shit-ton of note taking and stress).

As junior and senior years went on, I began to notice that Alana and Misty rarely left each other’s side. Alana was really “protective” over Misty (but now that I look at it, it was more like elusively controlling). If I admitted I was jealous of her, even if I said I was still happy for Misty, Alana would tell me that I wasn’t allowed to say that.

Alana also joined choir in 12th grade, which Misty and I were both in and she auditioned for Chamber (she said that Chamber was the only small group she would accept). Also I know Misty was a really good actress, but the first time she auditioned for the student-run Shakespeare show, Alana was one of the directors and Misty got one of the leads.

I had confronted these girls about things they’d done that made me feel bad or left out, but either I didn’t have enough evidence to back it up or one of the times I told them I felt like they weren’t including me in conversations when I sat with them at lunch, they didn’t do shit to change it and Misty, who was kinda under Alana’s thumb at that point, told me I needed to speak up. But when I did, I still felt like I got ignored.

One of the red flags that should’ve lead me to the conclusion of emotional abuse was when we were coming back from a choir trip to NYC. I had an aisle seat which I was relieved to have because, on the flight to NYC, I had a window seat and had to pee really badly, but something about my bladder won’t let me pee on planes. So when we landed, I wanted to get out, but there were so many people ahead of me and there was a traffic jam. And I REALLY had to go at this point and I was like, “If I don’t get out and get to a bathroom in the next five minutes, I swear I’m going to kill a bitch.”

Anyway, at the airport to go back to MN, Alana came over and asked if I had an aisle seat, which I did, and she asked me to trade with her window seat because she was tall and her legs cramped up when she was in a window seat, which made sense to me, but I also didn’t want a repeat of the flight there.

I was thinking through my options when she said, and I still remember it to this day,

“Think of all the things I’ve done for you.”

And in my head, I was like “whoa whoa whoa” because I recognized that as guilt-tripping. In defense, I told her that I’d done something for her last night and she got kinda grumpy and went back to her seat. I felt kinda bad so I went over and asked her why she asked me and she said it was cuz I was nice, which I like to think is true, but I also wanted to take my own needs into consideration.

So, being a Ravenclaw, I decided to find a way we could both get an aisle seat. Luckily one of the first people I asked had an aisle seat and was willing to trade.

The next day, I was still a bit disgruntled over being guilt-tripped, so I texted her about it and she told me that I did the same thing, like asking her to sugar-coat things and shit. I know for a fact that there’s no way that I did that, so I tried to defend myself. I also told her I didn’t want this to end the friendship and such. She accused me of talking to her like a 2 year old and that conversation left me in tears. It was one of the first times that year. And that would not be the last time.

Her manipulation seemed to carry over to Misty, who asked me if I’d been flirting with a guy we were both fond of, but I knew he was fond of her. As far as I knew, all I did was ask for hugs and talk to him. I ask for hugs and talk to my friends literally all the time, but she still accused me of flirting with him because she and Alana could apparently tell if I was flirting, even if I couldn’t.

The realization came in late-May. I’d applied to a couple of different colleges, one of them was the one Misty goes to and keep in mind, to this day, I’m still not exactly sure why I applied to that college. That day I’d gotten a letter in the mail saying I’d been accepted, which was the second college I’d been accepted to. So I told Alana, who expressed concern at first because it didn’t really have a good theatre program, which she knew I wanted to major in. Fair point.

Then she asked if I applied there because Misty had gotten accepted. I texted her back that I didn’t remember why I applied there and immediately after that, she outright accused me of applying there because Misty was going there. In this rage, I got scared and admitted to her that I was considering killing myself after I turned 18 because I was scared of the world. She told me to tell my dad and then after I did, went on about how I needed to deal with this on my own.

(Backstory: sometime before the incident, I went to see my dean about my suicidal ideations, at Misty’s recommendation. I was really scared, though. Misty seemed to figure this and then accompanied me for a few minutes. Honestly our friendship may have cooled off, but she was still one of the sweetest people.)

Anyway I told her I was scared to go to the dean’s office by myself (also the last time I went there, they didn’t do shit. I was just sent home for the rest of the day) and she told me “Tough luck, buttercup.”

She’s also accused me of fishing for compliments, as if she didn’t admit to doing it herself the first time we met. She also went on about how she could just let me drown, but holds on because she doesn’t want me to. (Bullshit. I hear her voice in my head telling me I’m worthless and to kill myself and shit like that). That lead to another breakdown.

Later that week, I made the mistake of texting her when I felt suicidal and she claimed I wasn’t even trying to get better, but do you realize how much more difficult it is to alleviate depression when you’re autistic? And that’s saying a lot because I feel like it’s incredibly difficult enough when you’re allistic or NT.

And how do I know Misty was under her thumb? Misty, who has depression herself, told me that she agreed with Alana and I was even making negative progress. But she was a bit easier on me. Alana was a “tough love” kind of person, whereas Misty was better with tactful and kind honesty, which I prefer to sugar-coating and tough love.

My initial realization was that Alana was emotionally manipulative, but now I’m pretty sure she was downright abusive. Unfortunately I didn’t cut her off right away?

Why not? Idealism. And the fact that Alana could drive me to Chamber because I don’t have a permit or license, but mostly idealism. Many times I convinced myself that she was a good person and a good friend and my first solution was to simply distance myself until later on and then we could try to repair the friendship.

So then how did I manage to cut it off? Misty. The two of us had gone to see a movie a few days before I was supposed to move into my dorm and, on the way back, I’d told her about the incident back in May and that Alana may be making my depression worse. She took it pretty well, considering how close she is with Alana. She told me she didn’t like to take sides or get involved in problems between two of her friends. She was the one who told me that, if it was that bad, I should cut Alana out without telling her. So that night, I did. I blocked her on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, almost any social media I had followed or friended her on. Though I fear Misty may still be under her thumb. The last time I saw those two was at the holiday choir concert at my high school and they only left each other’s side like once. Plus Misty blocked me on Facebook and Snapchat. Guess it’s her loss, though.

Because of the damage it caused me, I was slightly distrustful of making friendships when I first came to college and I still am.

I dunno if these feelings and events invalidate the possibility of emotional abuse in my family, but they sure don’t help it either.

Plus, it just so happens that Alana lives in my neighborhood..... Yay.

I don’t have the spoons to write out everything that happened, but yeah.

#emotional abuse #autism #autistic #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #sweet and savage autistic

[fairybrights]

what really happened pt 2

here comes this part

the first year we were together, he sent me a song he said he wrote. he sent me the wrong file. it came with a file name and an artist name. i didn’t open it until he fell asleep. (by this time, i’d stay up at night and wait until the morning so we’d be on the phone while he’s on his way to school.) i looked for the artist name on google and then i found this person’s twitter. it was a different guy. super small following but he was talented. and then i cried. 

i already had a hunch but i didn’t have solid proof that he was really a catfish. 

that morning, we were on the phone, and i told him that i knew what he was hiding and that he had to tell me. we went back and forth for awhile. he didn’t say it DIRECTLY but he knew what i was talking about and i knew what he was talking about. and guess what? hindi ako nagalit. 

hindi ako nagalit cause i knew that if he knew that i knew, he’d stop doing it. he wouldn’t hurt me again. boy, was i wrong. 

for the first few weeks after confronting him, i was normal. i was clingy and loving and all that. but he wasn’t. he was awkward and guilty. he was not temperamental anymore. he was much more gentle but still awkward. 

until he wasn’t anymore. 

he became sweeter, of course. admitted to me how the face he was using wasn’t really him. and then showed me another photo. another face. claiming it was him again. i believed him. because i thought he didn’t have a reason to lie anymore kasi di naman ako nagalit. i didn’t try to leave. so why would you still lie? i was also VERY wrong. 

anyway, that year was really bad for our relationship. 

he spoke to his ex when he wasn’t satisifed with our conversations. i caught him creating a secret convo in his messenger actually. hahahhaa. nahuli ko yun. nagulat din ako. naka-open lang kasi yung messenger niya sa phone ko. and i saw him talking to her. she was even asking him bakit naka secret message. hahahahaha. and he was asking for reassurance sa kanya na hindi siya masama ganto ganiyan. 

he’d even ask his girl best friend the same things. him and his girl best friend were close. uncomfortably close for me because he would act with her the way he’d act with me. nagpapalambing siya and shit. and as uncomfortable as i was getting, i never told him off. i never told him to stop talking to her kasi wala naman na ako don best friend niya daw yun eh. pero tangina hahahaha nakita ko before pinagusapan nila ako. nilang 2 ng best friend niya. the girl was telling him na weird daw yung mukha ko ganon whatever. and he didn’t even try defending me. he just kinda agreed with her. lol. tangina nasaktan ako non sobra. di ko yun inamin sa kanya until a year after. andami niyang ganon actually. andaming tao na nagchat na sa kanya about me and they’d say some ugly shit and he wouldn’t even defend me. to think ha we were onto our 2nd year together. hahahaha. 

one time, i even found a conversation of him and his ex talking about how they used to have sex before. hahahhaa. vid call ok. they talked about that habang kami. magkaaway ata kami non. hahahahaha. bwiset. hahahahaha. tangina. sobrang sakit non. hahahaha. 

anyway, that whole fucking year, he used different faces with me. cause i’d ask him if he was lying. every time he lied, i’d hit him with a “even if i die tomorrow”, and then he’d tell me the truth. siguro naka 3 na siya na mukha non. tangina. wala na. di na ako naniniwala sa kanya. pati lahat ng dance videos niya. hindi sa kanya yun. lahat. lahat ng photos. he said everything is fake, except for his name and his feelings for me. lol. 

the catfishing really traumatized me. but the cheating traumatized me even more, really. because this wasn’t my first time getting cheated one. it’s my 4th. so you can already tell na sobrang baba ng self esteem ko. sa lahat ng friends ko, my self esteem is the lowest, ironically, because i take so much photos of myself. but i am. because yan lang ang alam ko. it’s been proven na i am replaceable. kasawa-sawa ako. i get boring by time. god, my mom was already the worst. then these men come into my life and prove her right. hahahahha. 

i developed really bad trust issues and i get triggered really easily. when i hear anything that has to do with catfishing. when i hear “may sasabihin ako” KAHIT KANINO PA GALING YAN. when i hear “i wanted to tell you pero baka magalit ka” or “baka magalit ka” or “wag ka magalit pero..” I CAN ALREADY HEAR “i spoke to her” or “we talked” iN MY FUCKING HEAD KAHIT KANINO PA GALING YAN. IT’S LIKE A BULLET THROUGH THE CHEST EVERY FUCKING TIME I HEAR IT. 

anyway, ikkwento ko na. cheating naman mga ginawa niya non. pero ito yung icing on the cake. 

december 2016, he ran away. i tweeted some shit about telling people to message him with words of love and encouragement because he was feeling down. and unloved. and all that shit. 

this girl, who was my mutual, told me she’d message him. i said go lang please. it didn’t really bother me kasi other were doing it din. 

tapos nakita ko yung message ni girl sa kanya. it was different from the others. it was long and loving and sweet. i didn’t really know what to feel. it was as if she had this idea of him and knew him that way. doon nagreply si guy. they were friendly but not too friendly. 

since then, napansin ko, the girl would like his tweets. kahit yung mga walang kwentang tweets illike niya. i had a hunch she liked him. and i told him. that was a huge mistake. hahahahaha. kasi since i told him that i was bothered by her crush on him, parang pinapansin na niya si girl. i thought i was crazy and paranoid until one night i was awake and he wasn’t and his instagram was on my phone tapos naka-on pa yung notifs ko non sa lahat ng apps. nakita ko yung username niya minessage niya si guy. i didn’t open the dm. he was asleep. i told myself “if he tells me about this, di ako magagalit sa kanya” PERO TANGINA PRANING NA PRANING NA AKO. 

the next day, he woke up, tapos refresh ako ng refresh ng direct messages niya sa ig. hanggang sa nakita ko dinelete niya. FUCK. MY HEART FUCKING BROKE YO. FOR REAL. i told him. calmly. i asked him. calmly. and he said “ayoko kasi mag-away tayo” haha classic. 

pero ever since non, praning na praning na ako. 

one time, we fought about it, and i asked him to be honest with me. i asked him if he liked her. he said he didn’t. he said he was just interested. because she was interested. and fucking HELL. he liked the attention. he always loved attention. yuck. hahahaha 

ok oo nasaktan ulit ako pero SIGE GO LANG DIBA MAHAL MO DIBA ANO HAHAHAHA 

ok tapos around november of that year, we got into a big argument because i wanted to see him. i wanted to see him before i started working. he had a ton of excuses as to why couldn’t see me. we “broke up” but not really cause we still talked everyday. he was actually trying to win me back. he was courting me again and shit. nung ready na ako ulit to let him in, he started becoming cold. and i didn’t know why??????? and then i asked him and he said na he didn’t want to get back together yet kasi he doesn’t wanna hurt me daw. and he can’t act the same way anymore like he can’t but he doesn’t want me to change. he wanted me to stay the same. loving him and shit but he couldn’t do it daw. AND AGAIN I WAS LIKE ??????? “CAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF????” i was FURIOUS BECAUSE THAT DIDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME AND AYAW NIYA TALAGA ayaw niya talaga bumalik sakin. ayaw niya makipag balikan. but we spoke everyday. when we couldn’t, he said he had places to be. nung christmas, he called me and told me he loved me over and over and over. 

that next year, i started getting dreams of him and her talking. idk how i started getting dreams like that but i did. then i confronted him and asked him about it. he said they talk sometimes. but they’re just friends. and they just talk about their problems and they’re just being good friends to each other. i asked him if they ever did anything sexual, he said no. he said he’d never. ahahHAHAHA IW AS WRONG. 

nung feb, he started courting me again cause he wanted me back. sent me a fucking sunflower, even. i posted it sa twitter. nakita ko na nagtweet si girl. she was furious. she was mad at him and mad at me. but wouldn’t speak to me. she’d only speak to him.  idk what the fuck they ever talked about ok. pero nagpaparinig lagi sakin si girl. mga “she’s cute but she’s not me” type of shit. i was so confused cause why the fuck would she act this way kung friends lang kayo. so i told him he had to tell her off. and he said he couldn’t cause he hates confrontation. but???? this girl is hating on me for no reason???? i don’t fucking understand????? then he said he’d try. i waited for him. tapos sabi niya ginawa na niya daw. kinausap na niya. 

pero nagpaparinig parin si girl sakin. i’d stalk her everyday. nagpost pa siya sa ig ng picture na may paper na nakasulat ng “i love you” and i asked him if siya yun. he said no daw kasi di naman daw sila nag landian. 

hahahahha. 

during the courtship and him trying to win me back, i’d have episodes. because i was hella fucking heart broken when i found out they were talking and that they were close. kasi nung kami, parang kampante ako na at least di sila close wala mangyayari. pero pano na ngayon? may relationship na. there’s a bond already. anything can form. and he kept saying di yan mangyayari. i was so so so paranoid. i was at the edge of it. we had a bad fight. it was one of my first times to leave him alone because i wanted to be alone. i wasn’t having it at all. i really wanted out. i slept on it. one of the very rare times i did. 

about a week after that, the girl messaged me. okay kami ni guy ok. she was blunt. she told me na they have sex (phone sex) and that they were basically dating. hindi lang official. they say i love you to each other and shit. 1 month na daw. edi tangina nauna yung iyak kesa sa luha. hahahaha. nauna yung galit. i sat there in disbelief. and kausap ko siya ha. kausap ko si guy non. 

inamin niya na di niya talaga aamin until nahuli siya. i was so mad at him. she sent me screenshots ng mga convo nila. tangina. sobra sobra akong nasaktan. ISIPIN MO MAG 3 YEARS NA KAMI.PUTANGINA. MAGBBIRTHDAY NA AKO GAGO everything he used to call me, he called her that din. everything he’d tell me, he’d tell her. EVERY SINGLE THING, OKAY? HE SAID HE LOVED ME. HE SAID HE LOVED ME MORE THAN HE EVER LOVED ANYONE. 

GOD. 

i remember how i felt nung araw na yun. i couldn’t sleep. he cried a lot. was just apologizing. 

since then, i couldn’t sleep well.