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nalanamora-blog · 7 years

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Why

I was living with my mom. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my previous post. At this time I had already moved out from Alexis’ house. And Moe... He still had my phone. I used my sisters to text him at tell him to come over and bring it back. He did. He never hesitated to do anything I asked him to. Like many of the men I tend to surround myself with, he would do anything for me. He came over. My brother was not okay with me talking to him let alone him coming to the house. He did anyway, and we talked as my brother stood out of sight in the hallway. He was close by, still in line of sight with me. He waited patiently flipping a kitchen knife in his hands. I spoke with Moe from the other side of my gate. I wouldn't let him in. My brother would have stabbed him if he got too close. He apologized. Oddly enough I forgave him then and there. Mentioned that the trust was gone along with the rest of my desire to be with him any longer. He stayed in front of the gate. Begging me to reconsider and listen to anything else he wanted to say. He even mentioned that he didn't hit me at all. But how could I make up something like that? I wanted to strangle him. Making me seem like a liar. A part of me still loved him. I wanted to hold him and smell that cologne he always wore. Snuggle up in his arms and bury my face in his chest while he told me everything would be okay. He did that for me a lot when we were together. Thats all I wanted.For things to go back to the way they used to be. Before all this mess. He stayed away for a while. Two... maybe three weeks. I was okay. I missed him here and there but not enough to reach out. He texted me. Something about the new Finding Dory movie that came out. We had promised each other that we would watch it together. The movie theater was our thing. Now I'm not one to go back on my word.... so I went.

It was as if nothing happened.

Everything was normal. He wasn't aggressive or angry or upset. When he dropped me off he apologized time after time again and i was sick of being reminded of what happened. I told him to forget it. He rolled a blunt and we smoked. Talked things over. I wasn't ready to get back together. We both needed to do some reflecting. After that night, the next few nights we hung out. Just smoked here and there, grabbed a bite to eat. Nothing major. Things were going smoothly. We reestablished our relationship and the new boundaries necessary to make things work. Before you know it, we were back together.

My parents were not happy about that.

They questioned me. They couldn't wrap their heads around it. And to be honest, neither could I. My mother told me to really think things through. Did she really think I didn't? I wanted to make things right. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance right? He wasn't the only one at fault. I played my part in all this too. He was angry for a reason. Still, my ideas and reasons weren't good enough for them. Not my parents, not my siblings, and definitely not my friends. They didn't understand. They couldn't understand. Everything that I had been through with Moe. From sleeping in his car when I had no where else and letting me take it to work, always making sure I had something to eat, taking care of me when I was sick and none else would, going to church together, we really grew together. At the same time i knew that if I had a friend in my situation, I would be telling them the same thing they’re all telling me. Theres no excuse.

Boy should I have listened...

We continued on and off. The lack of trust changed us. There was no trust. Even though he claimed he did so much. He was constantly trying to see my phone and manage who I spent my time with. I was being micromanaged. It was too much for me. Hung out with my photographer often. He remains to be one of my greatest friends today. One day Moe called me 85 times. I couldn't even use my phone. I was embarrassed and irritated. I didn't want to do this anymore. But I did. over and over again. I forgave and forgave expecting something to be different. I had the day off. We decided to do something together. Spend they day at the park and then head to a movie. He asked me something. His old buddies form the marines were in town with nothing to do and they wanted to spend some time with him before they all wen home or got shipped off to different stations. Who was I to day no?

I damn sure should have.

The night before we spent the night in a hotel. The guys in their own room and Moe and I in ours. At first we chilled in their room. Drinking and getting to know each other. They were a weird bunch. A couple nerds and one douchey pretty boy. None of them intimidating, none of them intelligent. As the night went on i got tired. Moe walked me back to the room and said he'd be back when they decided to call it a night. I woke up the next morning next to Moe. I guess he came back and I hadn't noticed. When they called our room they mentioned something about breakfast. I was dubbed decision maker since i was the only girl I suppose. Denny’s it was. We gathered in the parking lot and packed our stuff into their car. Moe didn't have a car at the time. (Some company repo’ed the first one and the second one was an $800 pice of crap.) It was about 11am and they had decided to start drinking beers. More like chugging actually.

Do Marines really get that bored?

Anyways, after two beers in the parking lot, we headed to Denny's. We got out of the car which meant another beer. When we got inside, there was a long line considering it was a sunday morning... another beer. I waited inside. It seemed like they were already drunk. We ate and then headed to Balboa Park. Didn't really walk around. Just got out of the car and stood there really. Super uneventful. that was, until they pulled out a massive bottle of Captain Morgan and a two liter of Coke. I wasn't drinking that shit. I was over the entire day. thats all they did! Talk about stupid shit and memories and drink. Thats not my idea of fun. It wasn't long before one of his buddies looked weary. I backed up. I knew what was going down... in they case, coming up. He sloshed his body forward and hurled everywhere. Drank too much.

Idiot.

They got him in the car and we drove off. People in the parking lot were beginning to stare. I was so embarrassed to be around them. Moe drove us away. He had been planning to get a manual car so his buddies let him practice on theirs. After stalling on a left turn, we hit this spot we call “the wash.” Moe and I would go there to smoke. It was a cool place in a tiny residential area. If you hopped the fence, you'd be sitting atop the La River. It was quiet and we had the place to ourselves. Seemed like most of the guys were pretty hammered at this point. They stopped drinking and began to teach Moe how to drive a stick shift. This went on for about 3 hours. I was bored out of my fucking mind. I wanted to leave. We ended up deciding to Watch a movie. Before we arrived, one of his buddies decided to smack the driver in the face. Since his glasses flew off we stopped in the middle of the road until he could SEE and safely pull over to the sidewalk. This guy was so drunk, he and Moe got into a fight. Thats when I told Moe I wanted to leave. The guys drove back to SD and i was suck on the side of the road with Drunken Moe. I was cold. It was already about 7pm and it was getting late. I suggested that we walk to the movies since we were already on the corner of the street. He said no. He was so upset that he got into a fight with his friends before they all left. It was the last time they were going to see each other for a while and this is how it ended. I understood his feelings and why he was so upset but i figured he would be a little more concerned for the person who gave up the day so he should spend time with them. I was pissed. I told him I was walking home. I know what you're thinking.

“Why didn't you Uber?”

Fist off, my house wasn't too far. Maybe nine blocks or so. I wanted to clear my head and spend some time alone before i went home and had to come up with an explanation for my parents on the spot. Second, I was short on money. I knew i could use that money for something more important like food. So he followed me. Even when i asked him to leave me alone. Not only did he follow me, he yelled after me, He grabbed my arms and twisted my backpack around me so that I couldn't escape his hold... It was bad. When i finally got to the stairwell in my apartment building, enough time had gone by for him to have sobered up a bit. I told him i was scared of him. The same kind of scared that i was in the car. He didn't understand. He yelled at me for bringing up the past. He didn't understand that i was referencing the feeling. I wanted him to understand how i felt. I guess he wasn't sober enough. I tried to move past him to get onto the second floor. My apartment was the first door from the stairwell. I was so close to home. Thats when he pushed me. I fell down about 5 stairs and curled up in the corner. By the good graces of God, some neighbors came into the stairwell. If Moe was afraid of anything, it was other people seeing him abuse me. I pushed past him and went home. Again, he tried to apologize. He showed up at the front of my apartment to stop me from getting into an Uber so we could talk. The Uber driver threatened to call the police but that didn't stop him from holding my door open. I got out, shoved him away and closed the door and locked it.

This was NOT love.

I always wanted someone to fight for me. Someone that would risk anything for me. But not like this. This was fucking psycho. I wanted out. I broke up with him over the phone that day. We haven't been together since.

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nicemango-feed · 7 years

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Thoughts on Manchester Attack....& Responses that Just aren't Helping

The Manchester terror attack broke my heart, as each and every terror attack does. It chilled me to my core…again.

Image from CNN.com

With the frequency of these attacks, it’s hard to process them all and properly mourn the loss before your attention is diverted to yet another tragedy.

During the time I finished up this very blog post, I heard of deadly attacks in Baghdad and Kabul. It's hard, so hard to take it all in and grasp the magnitude of loss around the world.

My thoughts are with all those who have suffered.

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The Manchester attack targeted children while they were out having fun, enjoying music, enjoying life...

Image from here

It’s those very freedoms that terrorists hate, they abhor those who don’t live in the same ideological cages as them.

I sit here and try to absorb all the fragmented commentary coming from all angles, trying to make sense of this, trying to understand how we can change it for the better. How do we stop this from happening? I don’t know.. because the terrorists motivations seem to lie in a tangled web of things, parts of which each side wants to deny. The most obvious of those is extreme blind faith in an ideology they consider to be infallible.

I look around me, and see there’s nothing new here…

The left though well intentioned, nor the right, theists, nor atheists - no one is hitting notes (on this subject) that deeply resonate with me anymore. It’s pretty much the same tired commentary, the same motions we go through after each terror attack.

“Islam is evil”

“”Nothing to do with Islam”

“Muslims must do more”

“Muslims should not have to apologize for something they have nothing to do with”

“Islam is war”

“Islam is peace”

“Its all about foreign policy”

“Its all about religion”

We really have to do better than this, because neither side on this issue is getting through to the other. Just screaming at each other till we’re blue in the face isn’t going to accomplish anything.

It’s obvious this is a problem that needs to be addressed, denying links to Islam as people shout Allahu-akbar and take lives just doesn't suffice. It’s not helping anyone, least of all muslims.

This isn’t to say that how all muslims practice Islam is hateful, divisive and dangerous...but we must acknowledge that some extreme muslims do take it this far, if we want to start solving this. Of course every community has it’s extremists..but Islam does have a lot more Westboro Baptist equivalents …and too many who are even more extreme than Westboro level.

There is a fundamentalism problem coming directly from the rigid orthodoxy that Islam commands in the 21st century. Our communities can certainly do more to promote diversity and inclusivity…we do fall short there, we’ve got to own it…only then can we begin to tackle it.

All that said though, here’s another thing thats not cutting it; Laying the blame on all Muslims collectively.

This is like me saying portland, Quebec, NYC - white supremacist murders all by you white people. Its just not right to lump innocent people of the same demographic with violent savages who murder people.

In this case in particular, it’s not fair to say Muslims could have, or should have done more as a community…as the bomber, Salman Abedi had been reported to authorities multiple times. There are mixed reports about him being banned from his mosque, so I'm not sure about that. But mosques can always do more to try and root out extremism.

Full story here

With a frightening surge in white supremacist and anti-muslim attacks in this Trumpian era, the polarization amongst us is growing at such an alarming rate...I fear we’ll end up at a point where we have to pick a side between nazis and jihadis. Already people seem to think you can’t care about both…each team trying to emphasize the horrors of ‘the other side’ while trying to downplay or deny the horrors that come from people within their communities.

Full story here

We’ve got to do better, all of us. Looking inwards, is important for all communities, self-critique is how we improve.

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The post terror attack scenario, is sadly our reality more and more often…around the globe. I understand its a moment of panic, anger, high emotion. People aren’t always thinking clearly on any side of the debate. But we have to do better, it’s the only way we can beat this monster. The one thing they want is to divide, disrupt and create chaos, sow hatred... in the days, weeks, months after…it’s something we should not let them have.

There are a lot different types of counterproductive behaviour that emerge right after a terror attack, I feel we can make an already horrendous, painful situation a little more bearable if we refrain from this type of behaviour:

'The Nothing to do with Islam’ chorus - I get it, it’s a reflex to distance either yourself (if you’re muslim) or an already persecuted minority from the worst, most violent people among them. But as all the liberal/muslim defenders of the religion will tell you, Islam is not a monolith. There are many people, majority of muslims in fact who manage to ignore or ‘re-interpret’ the same verses that drive the terrorists to kill. Why then does it all of a sudden become a monolith with boundaries that exclude terrorists when convenient? You simply cannot deny that those verses too come from the same religion. Just a different interpretation…if you start defining ISIS as ‘not real muslims’ you are playing their game. This is essentially what they do to dehumanize muslims that aren’t living up to their barbaric 7th century standards. The defensiveness and the desperation to distance terrorists from the religion that they themselves claim inspires them, makes defenders appear intellectually dishonest or in deep denial. In order to see the whole picture we cannot keep hiding from the fact that religion has a major role to play in religious extremism. There is hatred of music, hatred of women, of LGBT, of non-muslims coming from Islamic scripture, and theres no way you can modernize, reform or improve things if you at the very least don’t acknowledge that this problem exists. Fine…say this is not how you read it, but you can’t deny that the raw material exists for others to interpret in more violent ways.

Sharing selective out of context Quran quotes guy - Nope. If you think you can share selective positive quotes, then don’t forget that people can and will rightfully share selective violent quotes to counter that too. This just looks like dishonesty or incomplete knowledge (which is also an issue, as many muslims are taught a curated version of scripture and often in a language they don't understand, I honestly didn’t know the existence of some of these verses till I did some research on my own…and hence, ‘ex-muslim’...

I’ll make the same point for those who randomly share selective violent Quran quotes in the aftermath of a terror attack…not as a rebuttal to anyone denying violence in scripture…but just putting it out there that ..’look the scripture is violent… this scripture ALL muslims live by is dangerous” - no, this isn’t the time or place for that. I wholeheartedly agree…the scripture is vile, violent and all that. But tying ordinary muslims to these violent words when they may not fully be aware of its meanings, or even know of its existence is just in poor taste when they will likely already face a backlash of anti-muslim sentiment after an Islamic terror attack. I would say at other times, absolutely share this stuff, make muslims aware that this is what it says, and ask them to question if they’d really endorse this stuff. But RIGHT after a terror attack? Not a good idea imo. The bible has some vile violent verses too…we’ve just reached a point where many people don’t take it literally, and I hope we get there for Islam too…but if thats the goal tying *muslims in general* to violent verses in ancient scripture post-terror attack is harmful and counterproductive.

Reminder, for the 'but what about Islam' types, I'm not sharing this to deny or shift blame from the fact that the Quran has equally violent, abhorrent verses that do inspire such horrors. But just to demonstrate that it is not uniquely evil, it is just unique in how seriously it is still taken today by many...unfortunately.

Being blindly narrative driven without any regard for the truth - whether on the left or right, all muslims bad or all muslims good. This can take the vicious Nazi-esque Katie Hopkins form (far more dangerous and sinister of course), or it can take a well-intentioned but dishonest form from a magazine trying to portray muslims in a good light. You might be well intentioned but if you knowingly lie about things (see Cosmo screenshots below), ultimately you’re doing more harm to Muslims than you are good, and also providing fodder to the far right…who will find it easier to dismiss positive stories about muslims because of things like this.

So they seem to know it's a Sikh person at this point...

How then...does this dishonest headline get printed? I mean there might very well be muslim Taxi drivers doing this as well, but juxtaposing it with this picture of a Sikh man, is really misleading!

Jump to Islamophobia concerns community leader - usually a guy being interviewed on TV who actually barely says two words about the horror of this attack before turning it around and making it about him and his community. Come on dude, priorities…yes there will likely be an anti-muslim backlash…i feel you…I get your concerns, I think anyone of muslim background shares those…generally people with brown skin might be fearful, as some non muslims have been killed as well in anti-muslim attacks. So i get it, legitimate concern….but in the aftermath of an attack, the first thing on your mind shouldn’t be the impact this will have on you…have some sympathy for the victims, for the horror their families will be dealing with.

Similarly, on the fliplside theres the 'You can only care about one thing at a time' person - To this individual if you are concerned about a woman’s hijab being violently ripped off at the same time as the attack, you clearly have no regard for the victims of this brutal attack. This seems absurd to me. You can simultaneously express concern for both…because both harm innocent people. To assume there is no real violence being committed against perceived muslims is deeply foolish or deeply sinister…this isn’t about a few mean words hurled at muslims. This is about pregnant women being kicked till they lose their babies, this is about innocent people being killed. Their lives are no less valuable than those who went to the concert. You can and should express concern about both, of course one of these is not a large scale terrorist attack so one is more pressing and urgent, but this doesn’t mean that anyone expressing concern for both cares any less about the victims of the actual bombing. It just means they are looking at the bigger picture and concerned both about longer term as well as immediate effects. Sad this has to be explained, but there are many 'skeptical takes' out this week saying the victims of the bombing take a backseat if u care about anti-muslim sentiment rising during this attack. Its not one or the other, this is tribalism, plain and simple. And until we stop making it about us vs. them…and see that it is a cyclical problem where hate feeds hate...and that far right anti-muslim hate also fans the fires of Islamism, we won’t be able to combat it.

The niqabi who decides to wear a grenade t-shirt on TV - ok this is rather specific…but i’m referring to a real fucking person who thought it was a good idea to be on TV and be interviewed about radicalization in the muslim community while wearing a black t-shirt that spells love in fucking *weapons*.

At first i thought it was a photoshop job.. but sadly not...See video here

What kind of a person thinks thats a fucking good idea..? I mean of course Tommy Robinson was all over that. I don’t think it necessarily says anything about her sympathies or affiliations, as it appears to be a widely available

t-shirt,

but I mean the optics of this on a hipster kid and on a niqabi talking about extremism on TV after an *islamic* *terror* *attack* are completely different. Of course people are going to draw conclusions about what she was thinking. It might very well be that she foolishly thought it was a good ironic msg about peace, love and being anti violence or something…but fuck...it does not come across like that. Terrible terrible idea. NOT HELPING.

'Hashtag Terror attack you say?!...Buy my books because I generally talk about Islam & stuff' person -

Seriously...don’t be that person…don’t plug your non-specific stuff using a terror attack that took many lives. Of course some content is genuinely helpful and some content has been created as a specific response or commentary to this attack. That’s not what i’m talking about… it’s perfectly ok and also necessary for us to have access to different commentary and viewpoints after an attack. It’s how we process and form our opinions. This very piece is that… I’m talking about unrelated things that people are plugging using the hashtag and all. Don’t do that. That’s really in poor taste.

Projecting negative intent on anyone that’s visibly muslim - Don’t be like Molyneux, probably a good rule in general.

(This is from the London attack, but the point remains.)

Whining about how people express their grief - Im sorry but people cope in different ways... are you that miserable of a person that you cannot let people heal in the ways that suit them? Coming together in groups, singing, feeling part of a community can feel powerful....and unite us at a time we feel so helpless otherwise. It can make us feel like we're doing something at least. Expressing ourselves through music and song is one of the things jihadis hate... its why they attack concert halls ffs. Don't be the guy that piles on to that. "Liberals just sing while the terrorists bomb us" - right cuz the singing is how they specifically plan to combat bombing. Liberals would go to battle ISIS armed with Jon Lennon songs I'm sure.

I mean can people seriously have a problem with this kind of thing?

Goosebumps! The amazing moment Manchester crowd joins in with woman singing Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger after minutes silence http://pic.twitter.com/Cw4mOq8yde

— Josh Halliday (@JoshHalliday) May 25, 2017

Is this not a valid & beautiful unifying, powerful response to human suffering? I don't understand the pettiness...

But What about [Name other Tragedy] - This isn't a contest, human suffering isn't a contest, please don't try to negate one tragedy by saying another deserves more attention. Yes some things get more air time than others, sometimes because it's closer to home, other times because of some aspects of the story. I wish i knew how to insure that all tragedies got equal attention, but this doesn't happen in the real world...so please don't take away from other horrific acts because the one you're talking about got less coverage.

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I’m sure there’s a ton of more examples of unhelpful behaviour… feel free to add your observations too, in the comments below. But I just felt I had to put this out there after seeing so many cringeworthy takes, making an already tragic situation worse.

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