#there’s a punchline to this joke and someone else paid money to ruin it

[brucebocchi]

after reading a bunch of classical literature i’ve decided to revive the concept of knighthood all by myself

#hi. don’t reblog this without my second comment. #there’s a punchline to this joke and someone else paid money to ruin it

[bellatrixobsessed1]

A Flame For A Cabbage (Part 4)

Azula squints, her body aches from head to toe and she still hasn’t had her fill of pan-fried noodles. She had already paid for the meal too. She forces herself upright with a pained huff. It is dark, the only light she sees comes from the slant of a window on the door.

She realizes that she is alone.

Alone and in a place that has nothing but a cot, a toilet, and a copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey--she isn’t sure if this is for leisure or for toilet paper. 

It takes her a moment to realize where she is. A cell. A dreary and dank, musky smelling Earth Kingdom cell. 

There comes a screech of metal as the slant on her door slides open. A small shaft of light pours in. 

A gruff voice greets her, “good evening, princess.” 

“She’s a cabbage merchant.” Corrects a distant, feminine voice. 

“Oh right!” The man calls back. “We haven’t caught the princess yet, thanks for reminding me Long Feng.”

“You’re welcome!” Long Feng answers in that same high-pitched tone. Azula can’t even begin to fathom why the man is talking like that. 

“You’re probably wondering why you are here.” The man says.

She wishes that he wouldn’t make assumptions. The things she actually wonders about are if she will ever get her pan-fried noodles (or, at least, her money back) and how good the stock market is as far as cabbages are concerned. 

“You probably have a lot of questions, don’t you?” He continues. “ So I will allow you to ask one question and I will answer honestly. You can ask more than one but I might lie about those.” 

Now he sounds like her old history teacher; she still isn’t sure if the first avatar actually was a 400 foot tall platypus bear with purple horns and silver wings. Azula perks up, she has found the perfect mascot for her cabbage company! 

The Dai Li agent coughs, bringing her back to attention.  “Can I ask two?” She asks. A nervous sweat breaks on her forehead and she abruptly adds, “no wait! That’s not my question!” 

“You have one more question left out of two.”

Azula folds her arms over her chest and gives an indignant sniff. There are a great many things she could ask; she could inquire about why she is here, about where here is, about whether the book is for reading or for ass wiping. She could ask if they would be willing to bargain with her for her freedom, could ask who is in charge. 

She could ask if he wants to buy a cabbage…

The possibilities are endless. Endless and full of opportunity. But there is an itch that she needs to scratch, one that is irresistible thanks to her inclination for logic and perfection. She knows that it is hardly important in comparison to her other questions, the ones that can actually move the plot forward. But the one she actually asks is already out of her mouth, “why did you open another slant to talk to me if one was already open?” 

.oOo.

“My, my, you're easy to find. It's really astounding my brother hasn't captured you yet.” Sie greets. 

The bison growls at him, or maybe that was a sneeze, he can’t be sure.What he is certian of is that the Kyoshi warriors have all drawn their fans and shields. 

“What do you want with us?” Suki asks.

He very well could answer her question, let her know that he needs a disguise. But he can also make a pun. Yes a pun. Puns are good. “Who are you?” He asks, already wriggling his eyes in anticipation for the punchline. “The Avatar's fan girls?”

“Wo-ow.” Mai grumbles. “Goo-od one.” And more to herself she adds, “I bet that the cabbage merchant wouldn’t have made such a stupid joke.” 

Sie frowns, “says you.”  Great, now he is acting like the teens that he is surrounded by.

“If you're looking for the Avatar, you're out of luck.” Suki says. 

“What if we’re looking for Waldo?” TyLee taps her finger on her chin. “Or Carmen SanDieago? Where in the world, is she?”

“Then you’re still out of luck, I’ve been looking for ages!” Exclaims one of the other kyoshi warriors. 

“I knew this was a waste of time.” Mai says with a dramatic sigh.

“No Avatar, huh?” Sie asks. “Well, that's okay…” he trails off as he slides off of his mongoose-lizard. He never had figured out how to unmount these things. He stumbles gracelessly to the floor. “That’s a really cute dress and I’d love to borrow it!” He finally finishes. 

Suki’s eyes go wide, “no way, this dress is Kyoshi!” She declares. “The Autumn, 100 AG line.”

Sie sends a blast of fire at the girl. He needs that dress! 

It goes so well with his eyes! 

And it makes a great disguise. 

Miles away Iroh eats some fries. 

Mai takes this as her cue to toss a few shurikens. She doesn’t particularly pay attention to where she throws them, which is probably why they all hit a tree instead of any of the warriors. “You're so colorful, it's making me nauseous.” She remarks before actually putting some real effort into her attack.

“You're not prettier than we are.” TyLee says as the author squints at the episode’s transcript and decides ultimately that this is random enough on its own to be left as is. She quickly chi blocks her more unsightly combatant. 

Sie shakes his head a coaxes a green flame into his palm he tosses it at Suki and Appa. The bison lets out a terrified groan. “Afraid of fire, I see. That's good. You should be.” He too is afraid of fire and yet here he is, a firebender. He is, in fact, afraid of most things. 

The air around Suki seems to glitch, a staticy haze silhouettes her. Through the static it is hard to make out her voice, “go, Appa! Fly away from here!” There is something else layered on top of it...a yellow sponge wearing pants of the square variety shouting, “just get out of here you stupid dumb animal.” The image and audio overlaps Suki in such a way that they both occupy the same exact spot in space and time at the same time. Sie covers his ears and squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again the world is as it should be. He is growing tired of these nightmarish glitches. 

Appa is still not gone though, he squeezes his eyes shut again. And when he opens them, there is no more Appa. Sie’s stomach lurches, spirits, what kind of power has he acquired.? And why has the author chosen to leave that period in there instead of just deleting it!? 

Suki opens her fan once more. 

“Don't you know fans just make flames stronger?” Sie asks. Agni, some people lack basic common sense. He runs into a jump and brings a halo of green fire to his feet. Suki’s eyes widen...

*Insert really bitchin’ scene break here*

Azula sighs, maybe if authors actually knew how to write, she wouldn’t be in this situation right now. As it were she is forced to listen to the fussy, extremely sexy, but really loud and obnoxious man she had been dragged here with.

“You have to believe me, they're firebenders! They won't stop until they win the War!” He declares. 

She cannot see what is happening but she can hear it. 

“Calm down, you're safe now.”

Maybe she should open her eyes. 

But it is so late at night, she needs her rest if she is going to have the wit to sell cabbages to shady organizations. Curiosity gets the better of her. She peers into Jet’s cell. The boy is surrounded by a metal track. There is a lantern rotating around the track. 

“Our economy would be ruined, our peaceful way of life – our traditions – would disappear. There's no war in Ba Sing Se.” 

Azula chuckles to herself, but otherwise remains quiet. She doesn’t want to give them a reason to strap her to that chair. 

“You might as well say what you wish, cabbage merchant.” The man frowns, “you’ll be in this chair soon enough.”

Well in that case… “There is clearly a war and you know it. In fact, I sold many cabbages to many soldiers who were trying to stop the walls from being breached. I’ve been all over the world trying to sell these cabbages, I’ve witnessed the fall of Omashu; sales were dreadfully down during that. Have you ever tired to sell a cabbage to people who are pretending to have pentapox? By all means, I think that I have heard of that, but they clearly weren’t sick.” She takes a breath. “I’ve seen decrepit cities, crumbling because a dreadful wartime economy and I’ve seen Fire Nation banners arise all over the Earth Kingdoms. There was also this particularly dull-headed man who decided to destroy the moon. One minute I was writing a letter to my father, the next I am in the dark, unable to see my letter, and wondering where the moon went.” She takes another breath. “Only a fool would destroy the moon.Do you know what other nation needs the moon?” She doesn’t let him answer. “The Fire Nation. They need the moon too but someone decided that the moon is not important. How did you hide that from your citizens?” This time she leaves room for an answer. One that does not come (because logically, such a tremendous feat cannot be covered up). “Both water tribes have fallen, and your hat is on crooked and makes your forehead look comically large.”

“Yeah, you over-grown butt hair!” Jet adds. 

Azula frowns, he has just made a mess of her insult. “Please shut up, you beautiful man.” 

“Sorry.” He mutters. 

The agent blinks. “Long Feng, we’re going to need a more powerful lantern!” But Long Feng is not there. His presence is required in another scene; “Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia, the last one on Earth.” He says to the Avatar. The arrowed boy and his friends look at him with horror, at the implication of just how in the dark the people of Ba Sing Se are. “Myself and the rest of the Dailluminati are making sure that everyone knows that.” 

But Azula has no knowledge of this, she only sees the lantern continuing its rotation around Jet’s head. “Spirits, that must be annoying.” She mutters to herself. 

The Dailluminati agent pinches the bridge of his nose. “Do you know how hard it is to hypnotize someone with all of this side commentary?”

“About as hard as it is to sell a cabbage to rouge bison-stealing sandbenders who claim that are trying to flee the scene of the crime?” 

The Dailluminati agent blinks again. “Yeeeeah...sure.” He turns to his companion. “Hey, Kiko, can you put this one back in her cell?”

“I’ll put myself back in the cell if you buy a cabbage.” 

He tosses a handful of coins at her. She doesn’t have her cabbage stall, but a true cabbage merchant can create a cabbage from nothing. She closes her eyes,takes a deep breath, and wills a cabbage into her hand. She hands it to the Dailluminati agent and makes her way back into her cell before the cabbage can disappear and he can demand his money back. One day, she will be a true cabbagebender.

She lays upon her bed and listens to the ambiance of Lake Laogai. 

“There is no war within the walls. Here we are safe. Here, we are free.”

#Avatar #Azula #Cabbage Man #Jet #Mai #TyLee #Suki #Fanfiction

[imadethisatage11]

Live-blogging my reaction to Spiral: from the book of saw

Spoilers under the cut

TL;DR: my overall review is that it was good but I’m going to go watch DPS to cleanse me

- ok so that woman got robbed and for what

- I had to pause to find out who this detective’s actor was Bc it was driving me nuts and it’s MCMURRAY FROM LETTERKENNY???

- love that they’re gonna fuck up this train conductors day lmao

- LOVE genuinely that we’re back to looking gritty and having an old tv play the video and having some rapid cut camera work early 2000’s vibes I embrace you

- why does the voice sound like that,, I wasn’t expecting John but why is it so non threatening now it’s literally just Some Guy™️

- I am glad I paid $15 to listen to Chris Rock talk about Forrest Gump. Worth my money and I mean it genuinely I love Chris Rock he’s great. Stream Everybody Hates Chris on Hulu

- “Z?” Zeke who just had his cover blown: this MF

- “do I look like a fucking Jamaican nanny?!” I- 😀🤚🏽

- ayo Max Minghella

- Chris Rock falling just short of being convincingly aggressively cynical Bc he is Chris Rock with the voice of Chris Rock

- it sounds like he’s setting up jokes that don’t have punchlines and instead they’re just like,, mediocre cynic cop dialogue

- while looking at some pretty fucking intact teeth: this bum is gonna be pretty hard to ID

- I mean I guess the homeless don’t have dental records but were you not even gonna try?

- I’m very pleased Chris Rock put on gloves before handling the strange package I love actually smart character choices that would make sense for them to make

- I.e. the cop knows how to properly handle unexpected unmarked packages delivered to the precinct

- “I thought the jigsaw killer was dead” “well if it’s another copy cat…” another wait is that referring to Logan (which Logan pinned on the other coincidentally crooked cop whose name I’ve forgotten) does that imply Logan only did like? The one trap? And hasn’t been active? Just waited ten years after John died recreates the one trap he was in and then stops?? I mean don’t get me wrong if movie wants to ignore Jigsaw (2017)’s existence I’m game but like what

- also why do the packages look like they’re wrapped in Tiffany boxes lmao

- oh yay they did run dental

- Chris Rock is an asshole but they should go with protocol if that’s what they’re doing

- ordering a man mid piss out of the men’s room to yell at Zeke

- does conflict of interest matter when the whole precinct knows the victim?

- uncomfortable stand-offs with your ex while at the home of a grieving friend

- Samuel L Jackson!

- “I could’ve killed you!” “What are you talking about, I have the gun!” *SLJ pulls a gun out* “I could’ve killed you”

- daddy issues

- “you think this is linked to John Kramer?” Bruh you think it’s NOT??

- ik this is SO far fetched but I rlly hope this movie tells us wtf happened to Dr Gordon. I’m sure it won’t but a girl can dream

- “should we tell Zeke?” “Fuck him” I get you guys don’t like to work w him Bc he’s an ass but like. You’re just not doing your jobs now you’re just proving he’s right that you’re untrustworthy

- splitting up and not telling ppl where you’re going is the number one way to get kidnapped or murdered but way to go cop instincts

- what is this Chinese finger trap ass shit

- love the blue tones tho very Saw

- all it needs is to become uncomfortably green

- fun fact I actually watched the first saw w my friend who is red green color blind and he said it looked AWFUL and I was like oh yeah everything is blue tinted like twilight blue tint and later it’s green just FYI (he thought that made significantly more sense than whatever shit ass color palette he was perceiving)

- being mad at your son for turning in a dirty cop Bc now you’ll have to mess with internal affairs

- and then assaulting someone??? SLJ is an even worse asshole lmao

- another Tiffany box bound in twine maybe it’ll be one of those cheesy diamond heart necklaces

- HELLO what is that ugly ass pig puppet

- also the voice is so stilted did the killer use fuckin text to speech so they couldn’t unscramble the voice like they did to Hoffman?

- cops finding dead pigs, a little on the nose

- oh so this dude has a history of “fuck it” ok well screw that guy then

- SLJ deserves to be pissed at that cop for letting Zeke get shot but like what an unhinged man he threatened to kill him and then actually assaulted him HOW did he EVER get in charge to begin with

- ok wait is Zeke actually the only decent cop (inc his dad but maybe excluding the newbie)

- that is a truly gruesome way to lose fingers tho I must say but he deserves that shit

- wait did the trap not go fast enough or was there a way for him to do that faster and I missed it

- like should he not have hesitated Bc there was a time limit or was it just rigged

- cuz the machine had to pull them off he couldn’t just cut them quickly

- so are they just gonna leave broken leg Dude there or

- also just now I tried to talk abt this movie (so far) vs Jigsaw (2017) to my mom and I got too excited and referenced some character names she didn’t know and she shut me down and said she didn’t care 😀

- live-blogging to my, like, five followers that compromise one one (1) person that knows me IRL, one (1) Sawtual, and a handful of ppl only here for my main DPS content to fill the void of emotional parental neglect. What a great website

- oh no did the rookie die :( he was actually sweet

- I feel like he was too important to kill offscreen tho

- like they’re TELLING us he .. was skinned.. but was he REALLY

- Chris Rock having a revelation: AH FUCK

- everyone else at the crime scene: ….

- favorite thing abt movies that were already gonna be rated R is when they’re like “well if we’re already at R we might as well say fuck”

- she has to SEVER HER SPINAL CORD? Why was she deemed the biggest asshole

- also how on earth was this trap portable it IS in their basement right

- transporting the hot wax is just what gets me

- Chris Rock rn: are you tired of being nice? Don’t you just wanna go apeshit?

- was this abt his dad the whole time???

- does it count as live blogging when I do one big post instead of several small ones lol I just want it to be avoidable for ppl who are just here for Dead Poets Society

- man’s fully abt to cut his arm off like barely even hesitated long enough to notice the bobby pin he could pick the lock with

- there’s a body here suspended

- not hanging mind you

- but covered and suspended

- and I bet it’s the newbie

- ah damn it’s Pete that’s disappointing

- it’s possible the trailers just made him seem more important than he was

- why are they punishing Zeke for reporting a dirty cop and having his career accordingly ruined like he did the right thing and already suffered for it? This killer doesn’t like crooked cops?? Why does Zeke have to be tortured by hearing this dude die like that’s what they want isn’t it?

- I think it’s too late pal

- the glass trap was pretty fucking cool though

- I KNEW HE WAS ALIVE

- I didn’t think he was a MURDERER but I KNEW he was alive

- OH SHIT THE DIRTY COP ZEKE TURNED IN KILLED NEWBIE’S DAD??

- I’m terrible at guessing endings but it makes viewing more fun

- honestly,, do it Chris Rock ACAB

- “you want me to kill cops?” “No, fuck no, just the bad ones”

- what a fun villain though

- I have no idea what the Ultimate Game Plan™️ is here though is he gonna make him kill his dad? I mean his dad does suck but making a dude KILL his DAD? That is a tall order Max Minghella

- ok but literally why wouldn’t you listen to him here shoot the target??

- ANGIE! It WaS aNgIe

- killing this man is not correct justice anyway Zeke

- shot the target! Good man

- groovy of them to play the Hello Zepp soundtrack rn

- oh shit what’s going on SLJ knows what it is

- oh.. w o w. Brutal way to go. Very heavy handed imagery

- and that’s all I guess who the fuck knows what’s up w Doctor Gordon

- and I guess Max Minghella is just gonna get away now but tbh Chris Rock only seemed truly mad at him for involving his dad

- nice rap remix to the OG Hello Zepp score very cool credits music

#spiral #spiral from the book of saw #live blogging #spiral 2021 #mini vent

[imagining-supernatural]

548: Down With Me

By @sadkido: Aw man I'm so happy you're close to 4,000 followers. Honestly you deserve that and so much more 😊 I absolutely love your writing very much and I hope to read many more. I'd like to choose 548 and would it be okay if I requested a corny dad joke like "when did the man go to the dentist?" "Tooth-hurty" 😂😂

Word Count: 1018

A/N: X Ambassadors… What can I say about them except that they’re absolutely wonderful? I really tried to capture the kinda bittersweet, hopeful, sad yet bouncy vibe that I always feel when I hear this song, but this song is just so hard to write!!

Version en Español: 548: Down With Me

Song 548: Down With Me by X Ambassadors 

Man, I really need to hustle some pool soon, Dean thought when he opened his wallet to find only a twenty pillowed in the old, worn leather. Then he shrugged. He’d already paid for the hotel room for the next three days and he had a stash of cash hidden away in the Impala. He could wait until tomorrow. Tonight he just needed to unwind from the last hunt.

He was about to catch the bartender’s attention and get his drink when he heard the absolute best sound he’d ever heard. Laughter like a stream in the woods, bubbling over rocks reached his ears and he immediately sought out the woman who could make his heart skip a beat just from her laughter.

And that’s when he saw her. In this dim, hole in the wall bar in the middle of nowhere Nebraska, there was a woman who absolutely radiated all of the pureness and innocence that was left in the world.

*****

“You are so dumb sometimes, Dean.” She shook her head at him fondly. “I know you and I wanna be with you still. Ain’t nothing gonna change that.”

“I literally just showed up on your doorstep covered in blood and you aren’t running away?”

She just smirked and shook her head. “Not at all. In fact…”

Dean had to laugh out loud when she got down on one knee and looked up at him with hopeful eyes.

“Dean Winchester? Will you make me the happiest woman in the world and marry me? I don’t want you showing up on anyone else’s doorstep covered in blood except for mine for the rest of my life.”

It took him a moment to realize that she wasn’t standing up and shaking it off. He sobered up and felt his heart stop when he locked his eyes with her beautiful Y/E/C ones. “You’re not joking, are you?”

“Not at all. Marry me, Dean.”

*****

Dean shook his head at the weird image that popped up in his mind when he looked at her. He knew that his brain could come up with some crazy thoughts, but a woman like her wanting to marry a guy like him? No way that would ever happen.

He tried to push that scene from his mind and turned back to the bar to finally order his drink.

Even if she did pay any attention to a guy like him, Dean knew that he would have to leave her alone tonight. She was way too good for him. That bright smile and contagious laughter would be ruined if he ever introduced her to his world.

Still though, Dean couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering over to her every few minutes.

*****

“Daddy!”

Dean dropped his duffle bag just in time to catch his four year old son who came hurtling towards him like a torpedo. “Brenden! How’s my boy doing?”

“The dinosaurs made the cars get into a GIANT crash and everybody died! It was so cool!”

With his son wrapped around him like a spider monkey, Dean headed through the house in search of his wife. “Really? Did the dinosaurs die too?”

Brenden scoffed. “No! Dinosaurs never die!”

Dean finally found Y/N in the office, working on the computer. She glanced over and a wide smile broke on her face. “Dean! You’re home!”

Y/N saved her work on the computer before swiveling around in the chair and struggling to stand up. Her swollen, pregnant belly made those simple tasks difficult, and Dean quickly was at her side, helping her as best as he could. “Careful there, sweetheart.”

She shot him a dirty look. “I’m not fragile, Dean.”

“I know, Y/N.” He leaned down and kissed her, breathing in the comforting vanilla scent that always hovered around her.

“Yuck!” Brendon exclaimed, wiggling down from his father’s arms. “Daddy! I learned a new joke!”

“Another one?”

“Yeah! When did the man go to the dentist?”

Brenden giggled, already losing it over the punchline. Dean pretended he didn’t know the answer and smiled down at his son. “I dunno, dude. When did the man go to the dentist?”

“Tooth-hurty!! Get it, daddy? It’s like two-thirty but tooth-hurty!” Brenden was roaring with laughter and Dean’s heart swelled with pride and love for his family.

*****

Yet another weird image. A family? Please. No one would last in Dean’s life that long.

Just then, an eerily familiar smell of vanilla wafted over and the woman in his visions was at his side, flagging down the bartender. She ordered a scotch and settled into the barstool not even a foot away.

He should leave her alone. That apple pie life with someone to go home to wasn’t anything he could ever have. There was no way he could ever let anyone see everything in his life. He kept things behind locked doors for a reason. There was no way a girl like her would ever be down with marrying a guy who showed up covered in blood more often than not.

But then it was as if there was some cosmic entity that gave Dean a push and he found himself turning to face her. She flashed him a polite smile when she noticed his attention. “Hi. I’m Y/N.”

Hearing her name was like a shock to his system. Y/N was the name of the chick in his fantasies.

“Dean.” It was a miracle he even managed to get that word out. He felt like a fish out of water, which was insane. Flirting with girls at bars was second nature to Dean.

But there was just something about her…

“I like that. Dean.” Hearing his name roll out of her mouth made his own mouth go dry. “Why don’t you let me buy you a drink, Dean. Maybe I can wrangle the story of that scar out of you.”

Dean’s hand went up to rub at the barely perceptible scar that was all that was left from a ghost hunt gone wrong. “You might be able to wrangle more than that out of me, sweetheart.”

“Fine by me.”

Lyrics & tags under the cut

Throw it right back just to put me right down / It'll put me right back where I'll never be found / Better drink it all down / Better drink it all down / Keep me in sight when you turn out the lights / When you open your eyes I'll be laying on the ground / Never making a sound / Baby you can still get down

Get down with me / You down with me / Flopping on the floor like a fish out a water / Get down with me / Get down with me / Blowing all my money before I even get it / Are you down with me / See behind the doors I'm locking / Drinks keep dropping you still / Get down with me / Down with me / Get down with me

Ice cream cone with a cherry on top / With her cherry un-popped so I guess I gotta leave her alone / Yeah, I'm gonna leave her alone / Meet me outside with the doors wide open / The door's wide open, but this one / I'll leave her alone too / Who am I going home too?

Get down with / Get down with me / Flopping on the floor like a fish out of water / Get down with me / Get down with me / Blowing all my money before I even get it / Are you down with me / See behind the doors I'm locking / Drinks keep dropping / Still get down with me / Get down with me / Get down with me

Breaking down the doors I'm locking / Drinks keep dropping / Pills keep popping / Cups keep knocking / Oh, Oh / And on and on / On and on / On and on

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