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thebadsocialworker · 7 months

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7. Yes

Today I had a meeting with someone in prison. They're on the other side of the country in some shitty city so it was via "the internet". Our meeting today was mostly about paperwork. He was completing a questionnaire for my records.

"AJ, the next question is, have you ever felt like your family members or the adults around you didn't love you or thought you were special."

He stared at the corner of the screen, it was silent for about 6 seconds.

"...Yes."

We continued, but this sat with me all day. This man's life has been marred with adversity in almost every way you could think of. He's about 45. There was something about seeing a grown man that's been shot, shot other people, and has seen other people get shot, confirm that he did not feel loved or special when he was a child. He was sitting in a typical prison room with stale cement brick in an ugly beige color and thick windows of glass behind him. I wonder about all the times he felt like that as a child and how many times he's thought of it since then.

This came up again when I visited someone else. We talked about their housing options and they said "[]...yeah so they accept criminals and shit so that's good for me." I asked them, "Is that what you think you are ? A criminal ?" They explained that they didn't, but that they have to think about it all of the time in relation to where they go during the day. They then grabbed something to show me. It was a folder of certificates and a card their last facility gave them when they moved. Inside of the card were many people remarking on how funny they are. They said they keep this under their mattress and they pull it out sometimes to look at. Inside I thought, you probably think of yourself as a bad person so you look at this to feel differently.

While I was driving in the snow I thought about how people complain sometimes about prison sentences being too light. Sometimes they're insultingly light. Other times, it's a substantial amount of time. Beyond their release, they suffer. Before any of this happened, they suffered. Many people regret victimizing someone and they pay for it everyday. They don't regret it because they're paying for it, but rather it's a stain on their self-perception. People change. People learn. People mature. People get sober and medicated. They're proud of the progress they've made but it's always followed with a "I know I did _____ but..." They never feel like they deserve to fully acknowledge they're a different person. They feel haunted by the negative voices in their heads that remind them, they beat their wife once, they used to be a skinhead, they robbed someone to buy drugs, etc.

I've done some shit, but never anything I couldn't have fixed. I can't imagine what it's like-- one day you've never been to prison, and then one day it has been 20 years later, you're homeless, in and out of jail for not paying child support, and every person you meet will generally find out you did something totally fucked up-- that you wouldn't do now, but you never feel like anyone believes you. That perpetual feeling as if you have to prove to your stupid fucking community that you deserve to be in it. They're forever shackled.

If you've ever done some shit you wouldn't do now, that's fuckin awesome. You're allowed to change and to admit you would do better now. This obviously applies to me too. My people never know I say things to them that I know I should say to myself, but I don't. It's kind of joke with myself and whatever powers that may be (hail Satan). Don't let a lack of self-forgiveness wear you out. We're all little devils sometimes.

-thebadsocialworker

#thebadsocialworker #mentalhealth #forensic #self perception #self forgiveness #change #growth

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thebadsocialworker · 7 months

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About Me

You're probably looking at this page like, "what the fuck is this ?"

Yeah, ok, let me introduce myself.

I'm a young, mixed social worker. I live in a medium sized city somewhere very, very cold. I'm highly educated but there was a time when I wasn't allowed on school property or I would be arrested. My past before I was 18 was extremely traumatic and shady. I almost died multiple times, by my own hand and by the hands of others. I've seen murders--all kinds of fucked up shit. I lived in one of the most violent places, in one of the most violent neighborhoods in the country for 10 years as an artist and chef before I fell into this life. It's been a wild ride.

My coworkers are yt women that have only ever lived in yt, suburban places. They've evidently never been victims of anything because of their overarching expressions of empathy and advocacy for the forensic clients I work with. I'm a survivor of a brutal rape and assault and I entered this field to throw the fucking book at rapists, chomos, and people that hit women (Yeah, I'm a woman, surprise).

I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. I knew I would be face to face with people who have done abhorrent things and I would be tasked with showing them empathy, understanding, and helping them progress into productive and mentally well members of society. I knew this would fuck me up being the victim of a crime that the DOJ didn't pursue because apparently smoking weed as a teenager makes your rape and violent beating invalid. I know I'm not the only one that will feel the burning in their face when they read that. I didn't care, I wanted the privilege of working with severely mentally ill people who have super fucked up criminal histories.

See, I would just be a detective but I don't want to spend like 5 years doing petty shit like drug arrests. I don't care about that shit. Plus, I smoke copious amounts of marijuana and have for decades. It's illegal where I live. I don't give a fuck. Fuck the government.

Anyways, you're probably starting to see why this blog is called what it is. I had a 4 point in graduate school. I was high for every research paper I wrote. I have a criminal history myself, yet here I am. Pretending every day that I have never-ending empathy and compassion like my co-workers, like I don't think some people are wastes of biological material, like there shouldn't be prisons, like there aren't any "true" sociopaths-that there's good in everyone. My clients love me, I'll do pretty much anything I can to help them. I'm true to my word.

but I hate people and I'm a nihilist. It's a double life. My future is in research. One day, you might buy one of my books and have no idea I used to run a shitty mental health blog full of nihilism and chaos in the early 20's.

Anyways, one of my clients tonight got stabbed. They're fine but it's been a fucked up day and I need to smoke a blunt and go to bed.

Thanks for reading this shit, I'll check in tomorrow, and probably have something unsettling to tell you.

-thebadsocialworker

#thebadsocialworker #mentalhealth #forensics #psychology

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