#the worst part is i have in fact met multiple renditions of The Guy

[baladric]

god i am feeling so hopeless lately, over what i feel is extremely fucking stupid bullshit—e.g. 30 and loveless, despite the fact that people keep throwing themselves at me, like... i have. a not inconsiderable number of options. for people to date/bang/whatever. and i’m being encouraged to let shit happen with one of them right now, and i’m just like. but i want to be in love. i want to feel anything like genuine connection. i want to have butterflies and not just regular storebrand anxiety bc god dammit, another person who Wants things from me, can’t wait to disappoint them bc i’m such a frigid little flake. i don’t want to go on dates and fuck around for experience or just because. i don’t wanna put energy into shit i know is just a time sink, just for the sake of doing it at all. i don’t think i work like that, and i hate it because it feels like i’m doing my entire life wrong bc of that. like haha how do you expect to find love in the year of our lord 2022 as an out-of-school 30 y.o. unless you use hinge and go on hopeless dates and fuck your coworker who keeps calling you daddy. i feel like i don’t get to complain bc i’m turning down all these options, and i’m tired and fucking sad and lonely, and i don’t want to feel like i’m bad or cowardly or whatever for being choosy, it’s just that why the fuck would i buy in on someone i don’t get 100% good vibes off of when i have an increasingly lovely and healthy friend group? am i a shithead for just wanting to be swept off my feet? like i don’t think i’m walled off to love the way i used to be, it’s just that i know what i’m looking for and he hasn’t walked in yet

#personal #and every queer in this fucking city is poly #which is another issue bc i feel like i'm #idk wrong or Unevolved™ or what the fuck ever for being monog these days #and i -get- poly #it's just also the rhetoric of 'one person can't fulfill all of my needs' like yeah dog of course they can't #that's why i have Friends???? #idk idk idk #the worst part is i have in fact met multiple renditions of The Guy #he's just always attached when he shows up #and i'm more and more disappointed every time #like when's it my turn for the glenns/daniels/mickeys of the world #the warm quiet easily present guy with the soft hair and the square hands #ugh #delete later