#the remaining dregs of my depression have just sort of disappeared it was really all trauma and a uterus from hell | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thechangeling · 4 years

Text

For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

60 notes · View notes