#the next night after he learns (this is back in his hot girl 70s era) he becomes a serial killer for like a week

[iwtvdramacd18]

Louis hears about what happened to Nicki and is appalled that Armand has never threatened to remove his hands and throw him in a little cell to be fed scraps and cooed threats to

#drama txt #the next night after he learns (this is back in his hot girl 70s era) he becomes a serial killer for like a week #only to find out Armand is overjoyed he's slaughtering folks en masse and has no plans to stop him #Louis says he'll start mass producing fledglings in a last ditch attempt to get punished #which backfires when Armand throws him a crumb of breeding kink indulgence #and then immediately follows that up saying he'll just eat the extra rowdy ones #loumand

[whenallelsefails-eatpie]

Finally Answering Questions for y’all

Q1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I used to wish I was taller because I already am tall for an (AGAB)female (5′8 1/2) but then I learned about platforms so. 

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

Monkey Ball or Sonic Adventure Escape the City...I only had a Gamecube.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Uses humor as a defense mechanism but will quickly become extremely invested in you  and give you immense amounts of unending love if they vibe w you

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Melancholic

9: Are you ticklish?

extremely, on my back and sides (use this information wisely. I take no responsibility for involuntarily punching anyone who tickles me)

10: Are you allergic to anything?

absolutely nothing, allergies are to weed out the weak. (jkjk no eugenics here sis you slay that epipen)

11: What’s your sexuality?

~ pansexual  ~ (prefer agab [not cis, those are two different things] females)

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

tea, then coffee with cocoa. I don’t enjoy cocoa or coffee as much separately.

37: What is your eye color?

hazel/green 

38: Introvert or extrovert?

I’m ambiverted but lean toward introversion. 

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

oh yeah absolutely, I personally just prefer that the tattoos aren’t on your face.  Or with piercings that they don’t take up so much of your face that I can’t see what you really look like.

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

pink, red, or platinum 56: Something that calms you down?

reading, playing instruments, taking a bath, cooking or baking

57: Have any mental disorders?

yessir. ADD, anxiety. and I used to have really bad depression. Now my depression is simply manageable lol. 

73: What is your MBTI type?

INFP (enneagram 4)

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

surprisingly yes, will I come close to passing out? Maybe. But I can.

87: Do your socks always match?

never, I hate matching my socks unless the socks are funky and need to match to give them the biggest bang for their buck. 

92: A store you hate?

Dick’s sporting goods. I have been dragged around that place for hours and absolutely nothing there interests me. (edit: I found a beanie that I liked but my previous opinion still stands)

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

start counting and never stop. If you mean in terms of actual measurements like cups/ounces, I can drink 20. What can I say I’m from New England.

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Definitely fly because that might help lessen my fear of heights

95: Do you like to wear camo?

literally shoot me if you ever see me wearing camo. please, I beg you. that will be me at my lowest point 

96: Winter or summer?

Autumn. Next question.

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

3-4 minutes. It’s all that breath control from musical theatre.

99: Someone you look up to:

Jughead Jones. Yes I said that, fight me. He is completely himself and he allows the different facets of his personality to shine through to people that he loves and cares about. He is loyal and caring but also unique and resilient. Plus his fave food is burgers which is an instant win for me.

100: A store you love?

Hot Topic, Barnes and Nobles, Savers or any thriftstore 

102: Where do you live?

New England bb (; gettin that dark academia aesthetic straight from the source

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

Amber

105: Do you drink milk?

You mean out of the glass? Like a psychopath? Like a serial killer? Absolutely not

106: Do you like bugs?

I do! Except for spiders and mosquitoes (although I’m warming up to spiders)

109: Can you draw:

Eh yeah ig, well enough. I draw realistically but I’m not great at animated style. 

111: A question you hate being asked?

“Are you a boy or a girl?” (like why? does it personally affect you? are you planning on boning me? if not then buzz off)

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Yes, but only at night when the beach is quiet. I’m not a huge fan of the beach during the day

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Rainy or sunny. Don’t go givin me the clouds with none of the drizzle.

119: Favorite thing about a person: 

Personality first and foremost. Humor and kindness. But physically; their smile and mannerisms. 

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Veggies (or berries i like berries)

121: Something you want to do right now:

Run away... ahah. But in all honesty I would love to go mushroom foraging rn, or possibly go on an adventure. Maybe go put on clothing meant for an entirely different time period and run around Target idk.

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Definitely not sour I hate sour. Spoonfeed me wasabi, that I can handle. But if you make me eat a Warheads I will cry. 

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

I personally have a lot of problems with the funeral industry, so I would rather not take up space and rot preservation chemicals into the earth. But if I had an interim tombstone with no body underneath, it would read “Live Laugh Love” bc ~irony~

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

that I’m very individualistic and stubborn

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

Yes absolutely, that’s what they’re there for.

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Do I like feeling like I’m about to full send through the crust of the earth and die? No. No I do not. (I am a simple person, I go to carnivals for the food and to feed off terror.) 139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Cookie

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

OH YEAH absolutely, I am a repressed gen z homosexual raised in a homophobic religious atmosphere, I am practically born with a therapist assigned to me.

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

Definitely good -_- unfortunately. Catch me bein the mom friend.

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

I prefer giving, but I am learning how to recieve. 

144: What makes you angry

People who live their lives in willful ignorance despite the endless resources available to them and let that ignorance hurt others.

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

All of em. Gimme em all. I don’t like boys as much currently but I would still probably lay my life on the line for some. 

147: Are you androgynous?

Yes. It’s more fluid than it is being in consistent limbo between masc and femme. Usually I’m androgynous but I often swing wildly between both ends of that socially perceived spectrum. 148: Favorite thing about yourself physically?

My hands or smile(product of bracesTM). But I have been told I have nice hands. 

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

I am a very strong blend of wise and class clown. I can do em both, I can do em well, and I can do em whenever. I also care a lot about others but I don’t change myself to be accepted by them. 

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

MLK Jr. --> I want to gain perspective on some of the current global issues. Jesus --> I’ve got a lot of questions for that dude. JRR Tolkien bc he’s incredible or Joan of Arc for the same reason

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Ooh well, as a woman not many eras are desirable. But um probably either the 70s or Ancient Greece

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

YES. GIMME UR FINGERS > i meant that to sound much less threatening than it did but my statement still stands. 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yes it’s literally one of my favorite things to do. I hab empty lap. *pat pat* U may lay your head on it and watch Rilakkuma and Kaoru with me while I play with your hair. pls. 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Women..... That’s it. That’s the tweet.

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

That I am not a member of the alphabet mafia. (It’s not currently safe for me to come out) Now tell me *shines light in your face* who are your contacts?

164: Do you have long or short hair?

I have medium hair. It’s around the length of a bisexual bob or a good mullet. 

165: Shortest/Longest your hair has ever been:

Shortest was a pixie cut, almost buzzed, amazing. Longest was to my butt and was literally the worst experience in existence. I shall to this day actively rebel against having hair like that again. 

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

Organized religion can suck it. You can’t organize your relationship with God, nor can you stick it into a little manmade box and pretend that you have the ability to create a perfect faith which others have to either follow or perish. It’s arrogant and damaging and hurtful and not at all what Christianity is supposed to mean. 

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

I do. I think it’s important and something we need to think about. I do believe there is something after death, and I like to believe that my life has meaning. I think that questions of creation are important questions to ask and we can’t just ignore them.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Yes! It’s fun! Pretty colors!

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

Absolutely. And the ones I didn’t feel like answering I simply omitted.

#chaotic good #Q&A #I learned more about myself writing this #than you probably did reading it #pls feel free to continue asking questions #i probably have too many answers #i heard oversharing on the internet is #cool

[grimelords]

There is no limit to how many good songs exist! There are just so many!

My June playlist is finished, and on time too! Please enjoy all manner of bangers from Dave Brubeck, Nelly Furtado and everyone in between.

listen here

Night And Day - Hot Chip: I’ve started a band with some friends and my friend Tiana (who has requested a special shoutout in this playlist and is currently receiving it!) suggested this as a song for us to learn and she was extremely right to do it! It’s extremely funky and probably the most i’ve ever liked Hot Chip because they’ve finally allowed themselves to be emotional and feel the most important emotion of all: horniness.

Infinity Guitars - Sleigh Bells: The other day a friend of mine said ‘hey whatever happened to Sleigh Bells?’ and guess what: they have five albums and continue to release new music as recently as last year. They seem to steadfastly refuse to advance their sound and you’ve got to give them props for that. When nobody else sounds anything like you the smartest thing you can do is double down on your own weird thing. I’ve always loved this song and am totally enamoured by whatever mixing trick it is that enables this song to start loud as fuck and somehow finish even louder no matter what volume you play it at.

Hurricane - Bob Dylan: I haven’t watched the Rolling Thunder Revue thing on Netflix yet but I’m excited to because this is a good Dylan era and I’m always down for more footage of the world’s freak Bobby D acting like a maniac. This song is a good example of how have no control over how music is consumed once you release it because this is ostensibly a serious and angry protest song about a great injustice but my greatest memory of it is for at least a month when I was in boarding school a guy in my dorm would play it every morning super loud and we would all yell the words along as we were getting dressed. Having a great time being fifteen and yelling happily about a miscarriage of justice.

Grindin' - Clipse: I started putting together a playlist of songs with super minimal or no pitched instrumentation that almost totally rely on the percussion and the vocals to carry it. Basically the Pharrell special because he did it on this and Drop It Like It’s Hot and I’m sure more songs of his I haven’t heard yet. But also songs like Lipgloss by Lil Mama, Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal, Tipsy By J-Kwon (almost if it didn’t have the baseline) and The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins. There’s heaps more I’m sure. It was a real minimal style for a little while in the mid 2000s and I think it’s great. It gives you so much space in the mix and it’s a great lesson: if the beat is hot enough and you’ve got enough charisma to carry the vocal you don’t need anything else at all.

Rock Lobster - The B-52's: Did you know the guitar in this is tuned CFFFFF? Did you know this song is nearly 7 minutes long? Did you know The B-52s had a hit with this and then didn’t have another hit until Love Shack fully ten years later? Truly everything about this song is insane.

Johnny Irony - Bad//Dreems: I think ‘are you bleeding?’ is my favourite bit of pre-song hot mic dialogue i’ve ever heard. I love the energy of this song, and what a fun throwback it is to I guess reference Lead Belly’s ancient song about doing cocaine Take A Whiff On Me for a new modern twist on a song about doing cocaine.

Girls On Film - Duran Duran: Have you ever noticed how the bass in this song is absolutely popping off? It rocks. I listened to just the isolated bass track on youtube the other day and it’s my new favourite song. I’m having a big moment with this early eighties art-funk thing where someone figured out you could put huge funky basslines into rock music and completely changed the game.  

Love - Lana Del Rey: I figured out this month that my vocal range seems to be just Lana Del Rey but an octave lower which is absolutely great news for anyone that wants to hear me sing this song in a cowboy voice in my car.

Want You In My Room - Carly Rae Jepsen: I am absolutely in love with this song and also absolutely furious at it. Absolutely in love with the way it’s written like a duet with herself, trading lines and overlapping and harmonising. The big ascending guitar line that leads into the chorus. I love how horny the lyrics are, I love the very 80s robot voice in the chorus who also wants to fuck. It’s just phenomenal, which brings me to the the think that makes me so furious: this song just fades out? After the second chorus just as the saxophone comes in? Just as it’s getting good???

Genevieve (Unfinished) - Jai Paul: It's just unbelievable how good this sounds. The bass sound. The way the whole mix seems to float around. The cuts to silence that feel like someone took a razor randomly to the master. It all culminates in this frenetic nervous energy that feels like the song could just fall apart and stop at any point. And it does! It just fades to silence and then comes back in as a totally different song near the end before fading away again.

Elephant Talk - King Crimson: King Crimson is on Spotify now and I’m comically striking them off my list of Bands I Have A Grudge Against For Not Being On Spotify. It’s always kind of surprised me that for someone who loved The Mars Volta as much as I did I never really had a big King Crimson phase. I always liked them fine, and I love this song, but I never really sat down and gave them a proper listen. Maybe now they’re on streaming that’s all about to change and my girlfriend will have to suffer accordingly.

Kids In The Dark - Bat For Lashes: Very excited for Bat For Lashes next album if this is an indication of the direction. She's always had a very hazy 80s feeling, so purposefully leaning into it is only going to be great.

CHORDS For Organ - Ellen Arkbro: My favourite lady is back with 15 minutes of rock solid chords. Something I've been thinking recently in regards to Ellen Arkbro and Holly Herndon is people who make pretentious art unpretentiously, truly believing in their process and outcomes but very aware  of and fine with the fact that it's silly, useless or unlistenable to anyone who's not interested. Ellen Arkbro posted a photo of an organ on instagram the other day and wrote "turned out this was one of the biggest instruments in berlin and it was also connected up to two other organs in the same space. Despite that I ended up playing an extremely quiet version of my music. I don't really know how that happened. I will play a louder version in st giles cripple gate in london this saturday if you're around" She posts like Courtney Barnett about her experimental organ drone music, I just love it. As for the music itself I don't really know how to explain this other than if you let it it can be extremely overwhelming. It's also the closest I've come musically to Malevich's Black Square and how I feel about that, which is hard to explain properly other that to say I love it.

SWIM - Holly Herndon: I'm obsessed with this Holly Herndon album. It's just amazing though I think the marketing and a lot of the writing about it is sort of.. misleading? There's a lot of emphasis being put on the machine learning and AI aspects of it, which as undoubtedly good and cool as they are, are sort of overshadowing what's so good about this in a simple way which is that it's just choral music for the future. It feels like it reaches so far back and so far forward at the same time it's incredible.

Too Real/Television Screens - Fontaines D.C.: I really had to stop myself from putting the whole Fontaines DC album on here because quite literally every single song on this is amazing. Just when you think guitar music is well and truly dead it pulls you back in!! Also the way he says 'aaa' at the start of Too Real just absolutely kills me.

Dangerous Match Ten - Scientist: I forget where I read it but some bass player was saying she learned to play by listening to Scientist albums, and so that made me listen to Scientist for the first time and go on a long dub trail and have a very good and dangerous day where I thought “..what if I become a dub guy?”. It’s very good. I don’t know anything about dub really, we don’t really have the jamaican population here for it to have any cultural currency like it does in america and the UK so my biggest exposure is the Dub radio station from GTA III and San Andreas which I’m now learning was mostly made up of Scientist songs anyway. Anyway dub is good, please keep an eye one me and watch as this playlist evolves into me becoming an evangelical dub guy over the next few months and start calling everyone m’brethren in a racist way.

Lipitor - Longmont Potion Castle: Lipitor. This is unfortunately unavailable on Australian spotify which is a crime but if you're from anywhere else please enjoy.

A Lot’s Gonna Change/ Andromeda - Weyes Blood: I am having such a time with this Weyes Blood album. Yesterday I spent all day playing A Lot’s Gonna Change over and over and over and today I spent all day listening to Andromeda over and over and learning how to play it. I suspect this will happen to me with the entire album, it has a complete hold over me.

I’ve listened to Weyes Blood before and she’s never really grabbed me and so it took a lot of people rhapsodising about this one to get me to give it a go and I’m so glad I finally did. This album really took me by surprise, and looking back now I love the development of her sound: from her original spacy noisy thing to the bonafide soft rock of Front Row Seat To Earth to this - an expensive sounding 70s singer songwriter pop album of absolutely devastating beauty and inventiveness.

Wasting My Young Years - London Grammar: I think what's so interesting about this song is that it sounds like an acoustic cover of a trance song. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. The way the deceptively fast four on the floor drums come in, the sort of adult-contemporary The XX instrumentation, the whole structure of it, it feels like a BBC Live Lounge cover of some forgotten rave classic. I love it regardless but it's an odd song as well.

Left Hand - Beast Coast: Beast Coast is lames and I didn't make it more that halfway through the album. On the fourth song there's a verse where one of these guys is doing that rap thing of talking way to graphically about eating pussy. He says lick lick lick it's gross. Anyway this song rocks though. The beat is that perfect mix of hard as hell and a little bit spooky and I love any song where one million guys do like four lines each.

Hung Up - Madonna: In the wake of not listening to Madame X I've been reflecting on how it's been 15 years since Madonna's last true banger, Hung Up, and in my opinion she's a legend forever for this song alone. Do you remember the Madonna x Gorillaz performance at the 2006 Grammys? Where she walked BEHIND the hologram? She still has so much to teach us. 

Never Fight A Man With A Perm - IDLES: I love just how purely sweaty man muscle this song is. 'concrete to leather' are you kidding me?? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. 'You look like you're from Love Island' also quite good.

Speakers Going Hammer - Soulja Boy: I was listening to this the other day and had to keep stopping and rewinding because of how advanced the flow is when he says 'Style swift hot like it's July 10th/Fly chick in my whip with nice tits/Her boyfriend paid for it, I didn't" he's like five minutes in front of the beat and combined with the internal assonance it just sounds sick as hell.

African Woman - Ebo Taylor: Man goes ham on toy piano must see

(I’m Not Your) Stepping Stone - The Monkees: My friend Tiana (who I've mentioned twice now!) came to band practice and said she saw The Monkees last night. I thought no, that's impossible. The Monkees are all long dead, forgotten legends from a forgotten age. BUT I was wrong! Michael Nesmith and Micky Dolenz, the surviving Monkees tour to this day! And she introduced me to this great song which we learned for the band! Monkees forever!

Whoo! Alright! Yeah! .. Uh Huh - The Rapture: Somehow as time goes on this song becomes more and more important to me and more and more groovy.I used to think life’s a bitter pill but it’s a grand old time. Now that’s wisdom.

World Of Stone/Loinclothing - Hunters And Collectors: I've been getting very heavily into early Hunters And Collectors over the last couple of months.  I think I put Loinclothing on last months playlist as well but fuck it, it's great. It's so primal and raw it feels like the first caveman who learned to talk fronting a band of cavemen who sing songs about caveman issues and passion. I love the incredibly wide open sound the drums and bass have and the fidgety guitar combined with the unhinged vocals creates this really unique ambience of menace and power without ever getting particularly busy and losing the spaciousness. Feels like yelling about monkeys on a wide open desert plain.

Coisa No. 10 - Marcello Gonçalves and Anat Cohen: I found this song ages ago on ABC Jazz I think, and I absolutely love the intricacies of it. It twists and folds in on itself over and over and over without ever losing the groove or relaxing into anything easy. There's so much tension in it even though the melody and groove are so fun, it's a great mix. I also found out it's from an album that's a tribute to someone I'd never heard of before named Moacir Santos, so I got the great joy of discovering his music via this song as well.

Monologue/Nana - Moacir Santos: Moacis Santos, as I understand it, was one of Henry Mancini's film composition assistants and also the guy that taught all the Boss Nova geniuses like Sergio Mendes. I love this Monologue where he tells the story of a mystical vision that inspired this song, which you assume being inspired by a vision would be of mythical importance and weight and but instead sounds like the theme to a cartoon about a grandma who has superpowers.

Weird People - Little Mix: I need more info about the identity of the robot voice in this song. What is his relationship to the singer. He starts off antagonistic: “get off the wall” then commenting on what happened to her: “fell off the wall” then just echoing her: “on the other side” then becoming her “i’m living my life”. It’s complicated and hard to explain but I believe the robot voice in this song is god. Anyway this song is a masterpiece. It’s an incredibly goofy and great piece of 80s revival that imagines a glorious alternate future where Oh Yeah by Yello is the template for all pop music.

3 Legged Dog - Marisa Anderson: Marisa Anderson used to write songs with words here and there among her instrumentals but it seems that over the last couple of albums she’s decided to stick to instrumentals only which I think is a shame. She’s obviously brilliant at it but I’d hate to be missing out on beautiful little slices like this. I love how small time this song is, it feels like a song you’d sing to yourself more than a song for anyone else.

Nighttime Suite - Adam Gnade & Demetrius Francisco Antuña: Adam Gnade is a guy I’ve been following for about ten years now who seems determined to stay obscure. He self-releases all his stuff in limited editions or on cassettes, some of my favourite things he’s ever done don’t seem to be available anywhere digitally any more (if they ever were). I remember years ago he seemed hard up for cash and he ran a deal on his website called a ‘lifetime subscription’ where if you sent him I think $100 he would send you everything he’s ever done AND would continue to send you everything he made in the future for the rest of his life. It was absolutely great, I would get CD-Rs and tapes and zines and things delivered randomly to my mailbox every so often for a couple of years and they were all fantastic. I guess at some point my lifetime subscription lapsed because he’s released a bunch of stuff I haven’t heard or read but that’s ok, you shouldn’t be able to buy someone’s eternal soul for $100.

Adam Gnade has developed his own style of folk music where he just recites a sort of prose poetry over music and it’s incredible. In the hands of anyone else it could feel overly pretentious, and he pretty often rides that line. He’s reaching for a sort of poet laureate of Americana ideal but very often he actually grabs it. His writing is great and magnifies the minor details of normal life into larger symptoms of the American mindset, like depression-era songs of marginalised and exploited people individualised and updated for the modern era. Most of the time he backs himself on a lazily strummed guitar or banjo and his music sounds like sitting on the front step or laying down in the tall grass, but for this song he’s teamed up with Demetrius Francisco Antuña for some real Godspeed feeling dark soundscapes and it’s really something.

We Are The Same - Lurch And Chief: I think it's a damn shame that Lurch And Chief broke up before they even put an album out because this song is a damn classic and I have begun praying every day for the return of Lurch and/or Chief. I love a big voice and there's two distinctly huge voices in this song fighting for position.

983/Near DT, MI - Black Midi: Fucking hell I love this Black Midi album. I'm so, so glad it exists. It feels like the next generation of the Slint Hella, Tera Melos etc lineage of math rock and I simply can't get enough of it. Pump it directly into my veins I'm obsessed with it.

Take Control - Amerie: I just screamed out loud in my car hearing this song for the first time because it samples Jimmy, Renda Se by Tom Zé one of my absolute favourite songs ever. And samples it amazingly, totally transforms it into something new while keeping the spirit of the original. Do you ever feel like a song was just made for you personally? It’s a very kind thing of my vlogger wife Amerie to do for me but I guess that’s just how she is. Also, thanks to Spotify’s new feature where you can see the actual credits for songs I got to find out that Hall And Oates are credited on this because it basically interpolates the the whole verse melody from You Make My Dreams Come True which I didn’t even realise until I looked up why they were credited.

Unsquare Dance - Dave Brubeck: Dave Brubeck's brain is huge. I can't belive it's possible to make 7/4 this funky. How come nobody else ever ripped off this rhythm? It deserves to be a whole genre. I also totally love the piano solo near the end where it turns into like a funky 7/4 stride and then abruply ends with a shave and haircut like it's 1925.

Suddenly - French Vanilla: Get a load of this fucking slice of dance punk that Discover Weekly served me up. I haven't even listened ot the album yet because I just love this song so much I'm stuck on it. Singing "I like the nightlife! I'm in the spotlight!" like you're being hunted with a knife? Incredible. The impromptue glossolalia about halfway through? Incredible. Everything about the saxophone? Incredible

Maneater - Nelly Furtado: There's nothing deft or subtle about Timbaland. Everything he does is just so heavy handed and thick. The drums in this are so straightforward and they sound like garbage cans.. Nothing ever plays at he same time as anything else . It's like a gorilla learned to play and it's absolutely fucking sick. And then the whole rest of the song! His insanely thick buzzy synth lines against the big beautifully stack clean harmonies

I, The Witchfinder - Electric Wizard: I've been getting back into Skyrim because I have a little worm living in my brain and I've discovered a good trick is to turn off the game music and turn on Electric Wizard instead. It increases the ambience because it feels like if you did an x-ray of the Dragonborn's head this is all that would be in there. It's just stoner metal in there and no other thoughts.

Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust: Can you believe how lucky we are to live in a world where the greatest song ever written is finally available on spotify? You can just listen to this any time of the night or day and immediately improve your life.

Don’t Chew - Spilled Oats: Here’s a very good and underexplored idea: what if guitar music but it sounds like chopped and screwed? Absolutely dynamite.

 As an extra bonus treat here the absolute best ever chopped and screwed channel I’ve found on youtube, please explore Scobed & Robed: https://www.youtube.com/user/scottalexanderburton

listen here

#playlists

[tabloidtoc]

People, March 23

Cover: The End of an Era -- in a tense public outing with Prince William and Princess Kate, Harry and Meghan Markle make their emotional last outing as senior royals 

Page 3: Chatter -- Taraji P. Henson on wedding planning, Keira Knightley, Billy Porter, Dolly Parton, Enrique Iglesias, Keith Urban 

Page 4: 5 Things We’re Talking About This Week -- Sandra Lee saves Justin Bieber’s cat, Chrissy Teigen comes for Girl Scout cookies, New Yorkers live on the edge, Beauty and the Beast gets a prequel, Justin Guarini joins the Britney Spears musical 

Page 6: Contents 

Page 8: StarTracks -- Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy chat with LeBron James 

Page 9: Liam Hemsworth shows off his treasure trail in Byron Bay, Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union and his transgender daughter Zaya, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski at the NY premiere of A Quiet Place Part II 

Page 10: Andy Cohen and his dog Wacha, Elizabeth Warren made a cameo on Saturday Night Live with look-alike Kate McKinnon, Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton Rothschild, Courteney Cox 

Page 11: James Middleton, Amazing Reunions -- Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox of Back to the Future, Ellen Pompeo and T.R. Knight of Grey’s Anatomy, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks and Phil Collins of Genesis 

Page 12: Stars on Set -- Andrew Garfield and Lin-Manuel Miranda on Tick, Tick...Boom, Nicole Kidman on The Prom, Will Smith on King Richard, Kaley Cuoco and Zosia Mamet on The Flight Attendant 

Page 13: Sabrina Bryan and husband Jordan Lundberg threw a gender-reveal party for their first baby, Style Tracks -- Celine Dion turned the streets of New York City into her personal catwalk 

Page 15: Ben Affleck’s hot new romance with Ana de Armas 

Page 16: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel move on after scandal 

Page 18: Heart Monitor -- Sean Penn and Leila George date night, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton adorable duet, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas happy homecoming, Lady Gaga and Michael Polansky going strong 

Page 20: Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom’s baby joy 

Page 21: Alex Trebek beating the odds one day at a time, Angelina Jolie reveals her girls Zahara and Shiloh’s health challenges 

Page 22: The Bachelor’s Peter Weber -- I had to follow my heart 

Page 27: Passages, Why I Care -- Tony Hawk helps create skate parks in low-income communities 

Page 29: Stories to make you smile 

Page 31: People Picks -- Little Fires Everywhere 

Page 32: Westworld, new on streaming and DVD -- Knives Out, Bombshell, Uncut Gems 

Page 33: The Plot Against America, Stargirl 

Page 34: Amazing Stories, Motherland: Fort Salem, Lauv -- How I’m Feeling, Q&A -- A Quiet Place Part II’s Millicent Simmonds 

Page 35: Books, Q&A -- Princess Marie-Chantal of Greece 

Page 36: Cover Story -- A family divided, their difficult farewell -- after a chilly final appearance alongside Prince William and Princess Kate, Harry and Meghan Markle leave their life as senior royals 

Page 42: The tornadoes in Tennessee -- neighbors helping neighbors 

Page 46: Matthew McConaughey turned 50, moved to Texas and became a professor, all in the past year -- why he’s excited for this new chapter and what’s next 

Page 50: A young boy’s tragic death -- justice for Thomas Valva 

Page 55: 25 years after losing Selena Quintanilla 

Page 59: HGTV’s Mina Starsiak’s miracle pregnancy 

Page 62: Rory Feek on life after loss

Page 67: Joan Lunden’s turning 70 and gets candid about the ups and downs of growing older and what she’s learned over the years 

Page 71: High school sweethearts reunite and wed after 63 years 

Page 73: Style -- what’s in for Spring -- Cynthia Erivo 

Page 74: Shailene Woodley 

Page 76: Awkwafina 

Page 79: Diane Kruger 

Page 80: Sienna Miller 

Page 87: Second Look -- Simone Biles in Times Square 

Page 88: One Last Thing -- Guy Fieri 

#tabloid #tabloid toc #prince william #princess kate #duchess kate #kate middleton #duchess of cambridge #prince harry #harry #meghan markle #ben affleck #ana de armas #katy perry #orlando bloom #katyandorlando #matthew mcconaughey #nashville strong

[thatfunkyopossum]

The 4400 AU

In short: Time Travel Shenanigans AU where Katsuki Bakugou is a first generation Japanese American immigrant who was born in 1936 and got sent to the future in 1952. Eijirou Kirishima is a gay american punk from new york living through the AIDs epidemic, born in 1970 and sent to the future in 1986. More information below the cut!  

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

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Do you know The 4400? Its a show where, over the last 50 years, there have been 4,400 specific disappearances. In the modern day, a ball of light is on a collision course with earth. Before it crashes it slows down, then in a bright flash it deposits all 4,400 of those people. Not one of them has aged a day since their initial disappearance. By all accounts, they were just at the spot and time of their disappearance mere moments ago, even though many occurred decades previously. They’re held for 6 weeks by the government before its determined that they and their families have the right for them to be freed, on the condition that they return for weekly check-ins. Interestingly, after their reappearance, the 4400 begin to display supernatural abilities.... 

My friend @albino-pony suggested this au! Its one I’ve gotten really into even though I’ve only ever seen the first episode of the show. I’m not entirely sure how to format this so its interesting, but I figure that if you clicked on the readmore and you’re still reading, then you’re ok with some info dumps. So here’s these boys individual timelines. TW For era typical homophobia and racism. 

Katsuki

          Mitsuki was born in 1914 in Japan’s Aomori prefecture. She was born with albinism, giving her blonde hair and blue eyes. In 1928 Mitsuki immigrated with her family to the United States at age 14, where they were processed at Angel Island, and moved into San Francisco shortly thereafter. She, her parents, and older brother all got jobs as soon as they could. In 1932, amidst the Great Depression, she met Masaru Bakugou and married him in the spring of 1934.

In 1936 Masaru and Mitsuki had their first child, a boy who inherited her albinism, and named him Katsuki. They do their best to provide for him, but it's the Great Depression and they're immigrants who only speak English so well. They scrape by, providing for their boy as best they can. They normally leave their son in the care of an Inko Midoriya, a fellow Japanese immigrant who is being supported by her fairly successful husband. 

 Then in 1939, things are stabilizing again. Life is getting easier. They still work themselves to the bone but they don't go to bed starving so their growing son can have his best chance. In 1940 life is pretty good. Katsuki's four years old. Mitsuki has a job as a seamstress, and Masaru has an office job. Life is looking up. 

December 7th of 1941, Pearl Harbor is bombed. Americans die. Masaru and Mitsuki are scared about the possibilities of war and what it could mean for their little one. But they decide to do their part and work as hard as they can for their new home, because they're Americans, and they love this country and the hope it holds for their son. 

February 1942, the Bakugous are detained and put in a Japanese Internment camp in southern California, where they spend the next three years. Katsuki is five years old when they’re forced out of their home, and he remembers the train ride. He remembers his father holding him as they walked. He remembers the cold. He remembers the three coldest winters he ever felt, and he remembers the burning blazing heat of the three hottest summers he ever endured. He remembers the scorching desert of Manzanar. He remembers the stuffy air of the tight quarters. He remembers. 

September 1945, The Bakugous finally leave Manzanar. They’re among the last to go. They go home to San Francisco and try to move on. Katsuki is nine years old. His parents are disturbed at how bad anti-japanese sentiment has gotten in the time they were at Manzanar.  Mitsuki finds an old magazine in a waiting room with an article on how to tell Japanese people from Chinese. Masaru is spat on and called various racial slurs. They're terrified for their son, and do their best to shield him from it. When Inko Midoriya’s husband is killed only a few blocks away because he was Japanese and his murderer talked about how his brother was killed in action by them, Mitsuki doesn't let her son play outside anymore.

December 1945, Mitsuki realizes she’s pregnant again.

September 19th, 1946, Tsubaki Bakugou is born.

February 27th, 1947, Tsubaki Bakugou dies of whooping cough at four months old, her family lacking access to the vaccine. Katsuki is eleven years old, and is the one to find her body after his mother asked him to check on her. 

June 1947, Mitsuki pays closer attention to her remaining child, terrified of losing him too. She gets worried. Mitsuki starts to notice how fond he is of his friends, and how little he seems to care about girls.

1948,  She starts to worry about the way he looks at other boys and the movie stars of his favorite pictures. She asks him one night if he likes boys better than girls, and when he says yes she cries and tells him that he has to learn to like girls, and that liking boys is bad and he can't do it anymore.  She doesn't let him go to the cinema anymore, and doesn't let him go out at all with his friends unless Izuku is there with him, because she knows Izuku will tell his mom if anything weird happens, and that Inko will tell her. She doesn't tell Masaru.

1949, When Katsuki is 13, Mitsuki and Inko talk, and they end up sending both of their sons to military school. Inko hopes it will help her son to stand up for himself, and Mitsuki hopes it will teach Katsuki discipline and order. It helps Izuku. It tames Katsuki's attitude toward adults, but his treatment of the other kids only gets worse. The only thing he learns there is how to pretend.

1952,  Katsuki is 16, he's visiting home. He fights with his mother. They call each other all manner of horrible things. He tells her he never wants to see her again. She tells him thats fine, and to go. Katsuki goes for a walk to clear his head.

He never comes home.

Eijirou

Eijirou is born on October 16th, 1970 in upstate new york. His timeline is shorter than Katsuki’s because I dont know as much about 70s/80s culture in new york that would have affected a young japanese american man, so theres only a few really important events in his life that I know for sure of.

July 28, 1982 - Eijirou is 11 years old and sees Queen live on their Hot Space Tour in NYC, and it blows his fucking mind. It instills in him a love of music, and whenever he needs to psych himself up for something he listens to those songs and remembers that energy. 

1984 - He comes out as gay to his parents and is kicked out. He takes a bus to the city and ends up being embraced and taken care of by some members of the punk scene and NYC gay communities. 

1985 - The man who took care of Eijirou, Taishiro Toyomitsu, better known by his stage name Fatgum, dies of HIV related complications. 

1986 - On his way back to the shitty apartment he shares with his bandmates from a concert they were a part of, Eijirou stops to pee in an alley way or something, and disappears in a flash of light. 

When the 4400 appear back on earth in the modern day, many experience small physical changes. For example, Eijirou and Katsuki have red eyes, and Izuku’s hair is slightly green. Todoroki’s hair is half white, and half red. 

People Who Reappeared in the 4400 and When/Where

Touya Todoroki - 1923 - Japan

Tenya Iida - 1924 - Great Britain (London)

Shoto Todoroki - 1930 - Japan

Yagi Toshinori - 1946 - America

Katsuki Bakugou - 1952 - America (San Francisco, California)

Izuku Midoriya - 1952 - America (San Francisco, California)

Fumikage Tokoyami - 1961 - America (West Virginia) 

Hawks (whats your real fucking name u shit) - 1961 - America (West Virginia)

Yuga Aoyama - 1968 - France 

Tooru Hagakure - 1970 - New Zealand 

Denki Kaminari - 1977 - America

Ochako Uraraka - 1985 - United Kingdom

Eijirou Kirishima - 1986 - America (New York, New York) 

Momo Yaoyarozu - 1989 - West Germany (Berlin) 

Shota Aizawa - 1992 - Japan (Tokyo)

Ashido Mina - 1996 - Japan

Hanta Sero - 2000 - China (Yunnan Province) 

Kyouka Jiro - 2005 - America 

Tsuyu Asui - Literally like a week before they reappeared - America

More will be added as they’re decided on!

#kiribaku #bakushima #Bakugou Katsuki #MHA #BNHA #Kirishima Eijirou #My Art

[littleblondesoprano]

Can you tell me stuff that makes you happy? I've had a rough day and am feeling pretty down. -🍒

Oh gosh! I’m so sorry! Of course! 

(I’m not gonna lie, this is gonna be a pretty long list!) 

What makes me Happy: 

Fluffy

Tom Hiddleston (and ANY of the characters he acts as–especially Loki)

Loki

Writing and singing!

Writing a paper for class and completely demolishing it!

Singing for people who have never heard me sing before and making them cry/feel something. 

Mythology (namely Greek and Norse) 

Getting new books!

My friends! 

Disney!

Going to the airport, that rush of adrenaline that you get knowing you’re travelling and you’re gonna have an awesome time and gain new experiences! 

Autumn and Spring!

Flowers! (Namely roses, baby’s breath, and white daises) 

History in general! But what I love is the time of the Vikings (so like…8th-9th century beginning) and the Victorian-Edwardian era of Europe!  

Crystals! (Citrine, Silver and Rainbow Moonstone, Emeralds, Rose Quartz, Clear Quartz, and there’s one that I absolutely love, but I don’t know the name of! It’s a black stone, but in it, it looks like captured stars!)

Shiny rings and necklaces! I like shiny stuff.

Really, really old books–like, the kind where the pages are turning orange and the cover is worn out and cracking; it shows that someone really loved that book enough to hold onto it and read it again and again! 

Peppermint vanilla mocha!

Milk chocolate ANYTHING

Macaroons and brownies and cheesecake, oh my! 

Marble–usually white marble with grey veins–but I absolutely adore it and I want it everywhere in my future home!

Big windows letting in bunches of natural light!

Hot showers after a really long day, getting out and feeling clean and ready for bed!

Alternatively, cold showers after working out, getting out and feeling refreshed!

The beach!! Laying out on the beach!! Sharks teeth on the beach!! The little shops at the beach!! 

Crystal shops! (Good ones) 

Organizing my little areas and checking off all of my responsibilities for the day. 

Swimming to the bottom of my pool and those few moments when I’m just suspended in water, completely engulfed, and I see little bubbles involuntarily escape my lips or my nose!

Swimming in the later afternoons, when the sun is low through the trees and creates little broken waves in the water and I come up for air in a little pool of light! It’s almost like the sun is winking! 

Looking through old pictures in giant bins we have (we’ve got like, four or five–plus or minus a few books–and they’re huge) because mom loved buying the disposable cameras when I was little! Going through them and remembering those moments–or being told stories of those moments. 

Decorating for Halloween!! I would literally beg mom and dad in September to put up the Halloween decorations, and like, second week in they would always agree! I love setting it all up and then sitting down that night and watching the entire living room glow orange from the tree and the big, glowing pumpkins we have up! 

Going for walks when it’s chilly outside and bundling up!

Blanket scarves! 

Cinnamon-Sugar baked Pumpkin seeds! 

Picking out the pumpkins after going on a hayride and trying to find the biggest one! (Or the biggest one that I can carry)

Learning about the Baroque composers and listening to their music ( J.S. Bach, Vivaldi, Handel, Telemann, Monteverdi, Albinoni, etc.) 

 Ivy climbing over older Victorian houses! 

Chicken Salad! (Not with grapes in it–that yucky.)

Crab, Lobster, shrimp, salmon, flounder–and I feel guilty about this, but I’ve eaten mako shark before and it was good. 

I love seeing squirrels, cats, hawks, deer, foxes out in nature! 

People being nice to other people

Reading back over my own writing and rediscovering how good I was/am at it–not to be vain–but just like: “I wrote that?! What?! That’s too good!”

Harry Potter before everyone died. 

Game of Thrones! (In this house, we are TARGARYENS. And, well, we also root for the Starks, buT THE TARGARYENS.)

Little day trips with my friends to the mall or out to eat somewhere!

Similarly, sleepovers with my friends where we stay up late and do fun stuff! 

NEW YORRRRKK! And definitely Broadway and Times Square! Those bulbs and the buzz of activity and huge cool stores and new experiences always jazz me up! 

Sherlock Holmes! And classic literature like Wuthering Heights, The Scarlet Letter, Emma, Candide, literally all of Shakespeare’s stuff (especially Antony and Cleopatra!) Frankenstein, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Dracula, The Journals of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Literally everything except for Mr. Dickens–he’s too sad for moi. 

When it starts to snow and we go for a walk while the little flurries flutter down from the clouds! 

Sitting down at night in the living room (and Fluffy sitting in my recliner with me–mostly because I steal her favorite blanket and put it on the end of the ledge…thingie…and she sits on it!) at night and watching our favorite shows–be that Forged in Fire, Last Chance U, The Defiant Ones, Game of Thrones, Alone, Broadchurch, or any other silly show we find ourselves watching! We have the warm glow light bulbs and we strung some Christmas lights over our ‘logs’ in the fireplace and turn that on too, so the whole room is just washed in this beautiful, warm, golden bath and it’s so, so cozy. 

Going to little antique stores and finding something you’d never thought you would find–or never expected to find. 

Really, really cold Diet Pepsi Cherry.

The fountain drinks from Sheetz that you can add Cherry and Vanilla to! I usually add a lot of both to it–usually to Diet coke–and get the bigger drinks!

Tater tots in a bucket from Sheetz! 

Brewing spiced tea in a teapot

Bottling and organizing spices in the kitchen!

My William Shakespeare bust at my desk (he yells at me when I don’t write enough)

Finally laying down at night and daydreaming to fall asleep!

Eating little snacks–like some hoop cheese and an apple–for snack! 

Going to my Grandma Bonnie’s house and then going out to lunch with her at the Graham Soda Shoppe and getting two hot dogs all the way and splitting a basket of onion rings with her! Then, hitting Tasty Bakery right next door and getting some yummy treats! 

The hot chocolate at this one specific bakery on I-70; it’s the greatest I’ve ever had, I swear it! Nothing can top it! 

During winter break last year, I was performing with a group of other girls and I got that hot chocolate before rehearsal, and then we sat and watched the few acts before us perform–the house was beautifully lit golden and it just made me feel at home. 

France and England! 

Taking bunches of pictures during the day, on outings, and then at night looking over them and laughing!

Hotels that serve warm cookies at night! 

Peppermint sticks! 

Dipping slices of warm hoop cheese in ranch–I always did it at my Pawpaw’s house when we’d have these big lunches, and then we’d all go swimming in his pool or lay around the living room–that always reminds me of those times. 

Pineapple pizza! (No ham tho)

Going to the movies late at night and seeing an awesome one, then going to McDonalds and getting a M&M McFlurry! 

Getting my nails done!! 

Always having something yummy to eat at home

Mattress foam flip flops and my awesome swimsuit! (Er–it flatters my figure) 

Shark Week!!! 

Getting my makeup On Point. 

Nerding out with other theatre/musical nerds in person and singing duets with them (because none of my other friends will sing with me). There was this one guy in my chorus I sang “All I Ask of You” with and it was SO GOOD; we loved it! Every time we saw each other I would be like: “Saaaay yoouu love me every waaaakeeeinngg mommennntt–” we were awesome and I really miss that.

Going to the theatre and seeing musicals with my mom–that’s always fun! Last time, we got these huge cupcakes since my blood sugar was low–I think we saw Matilda (it was okay).

Ironing my dad’s shirts for my mom so she doesn’t have to after she gets home from work. 

The smell of sage burning

The smell of coffee being made–like, Tim Hortons and Harry & David’s coffee! 

Doughnuts with chocolate icing on top and vanilla icing inside! (We call that the manager’s special) 

Chick-fil-a sandwiches and fries! 

Vanilla cupcake cookie goldfish! 

Trying on an outfit for the first time (that you planned in your head the night before) and it looking even better than what you imagined it to be!

Lavender! 

Those purple vines/flowers that bloom in the Spring and hang from trees!

Golden sunsets! 

Cats doing funny stuff–or cute stuff–or just being cats in general!

Mother of Pearl inlays, pearls, and white fire opals! 

People getting me flowers! (It’s only happened once, and they were given to all the Seniors, so I don’t know if it counts, but…I really loved it!) 

Burgundy/wine red shirts!

Yellow/mustard shirts and dresses! 

Velvet! 

Red and gold stage curtains on a dark stage with remnants of ten different types of colored duck tape. 

Crisp sheet music–clean lined and dark inked! 

Alternatively, used sheet music–faded out a little, written on with pencil and once accidentally with pen, crinkled pages dog earred and maybe a staple or two barely hanging on. 

The absolute applause after you know you just kicked ass on that song! 

The confidence and the way my voice swells so powerfully when I perform! 

Gold plated–or gold–anything. 

Rocco/Baroque style decorating, clothing, anything! 

Watching the clouds drift by when floating on the surface of the pool. 

The trees finally turning color in the fall! 

Riding around in the Impala (just make sure to put on some sunscreen!) 

Downloading new songs to my phone and then really listening to them that night when I’m laying in bed daydreaming. 

Ghost tours in old towns! (We’ve done Charleston, South Carolina; Wilmington, North Carolina; Savannah, Georgia; Charlotte, North Carolina; St. Augustine, Florida!) 

Taking showers while the sun is still out and it’s kinda daytime! 

Staying out all day with my friends and coming home when it’s kinda dark outside/driving home with my friends when it’s sunset. 

Visiting/going to old castles and mansions! (Biltmore has been the best thus far!) 

Curling up in bed on a really cold day outside, and feeling warm on the inside! 

Making cookies/baking pastries in the oven and them turning out wonderfully! 

That’s all I can think of right now–and my gosh–I know there’s more! I’m just so tired from all that travelling! I hope you feel better after this, my friend!! I wish you all happiness!! 

Oh!! I forgot one!! My car, Pumpkin, and all other little minis make me happy!!

[trendingnewsb]

The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I’m talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel.

It’s important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I invented for an SNL audition. This man is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publication Texas Monthly:

Coming into the 1980s, Don Diebel’s only personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the town or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don made every interaction into penetration. You may look at his picture and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be fooled. He waged a four-decade crusade against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.

Don, a leading Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sex. It’s a cause that would consume and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy hair going prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos.

Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play. He wrote like a man who spent elementary school crushing ass instead of learning sentence structure. He made love like a dream, but when he typed, his commas limply flopped into the wrong spots like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a lover, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.

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To circumvent the literary world’s decency and taste, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first book, How To Pick Up Women In Discos, became an instant critical and financial failure. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy,” and he writes like eight of his fingers are trapped in a butt. Politics also played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment,” and they could still be arrested for removing the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that era, Don’s book on “picking up” women was seen as sexist. So Diebel bounced back in 1982 with the more gently titled THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN. It was pretty much the same book.

Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a book like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication skills. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp!” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This book is almost criminally wrong about how to approach women. Applying this book to your game is like adding anime rants and seven mouth sores to your game. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 times, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts (1982 first edition). All typos are Don’s.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who only goes to singles bars to make mean faces at men asking for casual sex. You can skip most of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.

This section helps establish some of the rules for the ladies. If you make eye contact with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of your life. And if you make the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you could do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.

Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and arguments, followed by several sexual offers of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the club, you tease, return to Don often, and a bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.

So let me get this straight, Don. You spend your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn bars, and you’re willing to be slapped and humiliated for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s marriage. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice book to help others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like getting advice from the world champion of diarrhea speed eating.

Judging by the advice he gives, Don considers a woman not taking a swing at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a subway masturbator, combine it with the charm of a subway masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.

It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he invented trying to fuck strippers. This will be a recurring theme in his books, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes:

With this level of relentless pursuit, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry makes me think I’d need a team of dogs and a shovel to find one.

Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice after you hear it, but find yourself a man who can list nine different swingers magazines before he even gets to the mediocre ones.

Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting “Point at your dick?”

Shout out to 1982’s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know why I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve probably been dead 30 years, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”

If a lady isn’t having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s probably because she’s sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille:

Haha wait, what? Fucking what, Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sex offender in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even keep his own wisdom straight. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.

Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don, not a passion for sorcery.

Don Diebel, if masturbation fantasies were forced by universal law to come true, we would all be hunky detectives investigating erotic mysteries with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would suddenly find ourselves buried in confusing piles of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you could, the least imaginative seventh-grader would occupy the free time of every hot girl in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is true, Don.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself to be more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips to avoid being a dealbreaker at orgies. The book was, by any measure, a humiliating disaster. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but cracks were starting to form in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.

It had been eight years since the release of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, and the book only became popular in one community: district attorneys presenting evidence in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could turn his literary career around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a man, but for, get this, ladies.

It’s worth noting that the two-time failed author whose advice on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jackets with “Don Diebel — World famous writer, author, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at the game of love with his phenomenal best-sellers.”

FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it worked, it would be the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely idiot whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last book. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical errors have been respectfully left in.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run into in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.

Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit. Don’s book on helping ladies find romance is just THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, word for word, with the genders switched. This maniac actually knows so little about women that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman’s guide to finding love. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but also somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.

When I realized he rewrote the same book (again), only with different pronouns, I thought, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right?” He fucking didn’t! All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percent chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden opportunity,” girls, keep in mind that these statistics are only the casual speculation of a lonely man who dreams of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of highway stabbing incidents.

If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.

Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.

One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich men. This replaced a chapter for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not be a smart man, but Don has been kicked out of enough orgies to know that women prefer cash prizes to group sex.

When FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, honed by years of imagining vulvas, thought: “What if there was a collection of pages that contained the names, locations, and phone numbers of businesses!?” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z

This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts. If you were in the Houston area in the early ’90s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it made the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit.

So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest idea yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he’d ever experienced: the opening line.

In 1999, at the age of 52, Don Diebel published 1001 Best Pick-Up Lines: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women. On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s #1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s leading experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their book store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.

Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick getting seduced in a bar, Don used clip art of what seems to be a hospitality worker explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange choice, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside:

Women love honesty, but they also love mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and mouse that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly man really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humor and no judgement?” and you’re thinking, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the trash. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.

If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it found, it would be better at its job than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for meeting, attracting, and seducing women” from “America’s #1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen.

“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life really plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry, no woman has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING!!!!”

This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I think Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he’s simply searching for the secret cheat code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest.

This opening line can really move things along, but it only works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with the men they think are their children.

No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real women laughing at the little mustache you grew to hide your chimpanzee lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you were smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the closest you’ve ever come to actual sex is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fuck, Don Diebel.

While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all saw! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl!”

Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drink and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that’s true, and we’re just playing games now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you spent trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.

Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this point you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she throws out.

This isn’t how meeting people works or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s direct, slobbery approach to picking up women saves everyone time! Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind charm until it’s far too late!”

You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn’t work. If you did this one million times, you would see zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. This is like writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen bike for $50 million! (Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics.)” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52-year-old man. That’s almost 40 years past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said a second thing to him.

There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this book was a marketing scheme created by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

Is that true, women? Call the police for “no,” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”

I’ve made fun of a lot of the stuff in this book, but this one is just good writing. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re only a horny idiot works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my cat!” Then I wait six, maybe seven beats, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet?”

Let the record show: America’s #1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines, that you should tell a woman her dad makes you horny with a trumpet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At night, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert forums and trumpet subreddits, desperately looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does make him horny. Please, what does it mean?” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and asked to slide your cold hands into her tits.

Oh, come on. Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.

This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead, but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a joke about that; I just want you to know it exists.

Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name?” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your bush!” He suggests saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these horny men with their brain between their legs?” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny men acting like a bunch of idiots?” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.

Don Diebel is absolutely the lonely man in the strip bar earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53-year-old man offering sex to sex workers with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.

The 2000s were a slow time for Diebel’s publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.

Dwell magazine did an interview with him, not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to review three modern lamps. Each of his reviews were the incoherent ramblings of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website, and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

It’s called Getgirls.com, and it sells sex cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn books. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability — Getgirls.com is totally banking on you having several crippling emotional disorders and facial defects. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re barely slime, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot:

Getgirls.com’s products are designed to turn unwilling women into sex partners, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has plainly never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penises wasn’t as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes. Let’s talk about 2009’s 200 Guaranteed Ways To Succeed With Women: Everything You Need To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women.

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mostly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guide to crushing ass and more of a training manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (#10)” and “How to be happy (#14),” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian food,” with a couple of tips on table manners. But let me tell you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.

Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62-year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29th Guaranteed Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell,” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph:

One of the reasons Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked women jump on him before he can practice them. And if you’re thinking none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?

A: A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely story in which he’s highly motivated to lie.

B: The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.

C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually charged words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s books. Show me your bush.

Assuming this date really happened (and aren’t we being cute), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She agreed, but instead of a wild night of romance, they discovered Don left his dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard bodies. It was comatose from dehydration. This means in an imaginary story wherein Diebel controls every detail, he nearly murders his own dog and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.

OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got way more action from his date than he did.

Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Obviously, he could drive back to the beach to find a replacement hot girl, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a dog die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the pier, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath.

None of the date was going well. She flirted with other men, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lake and nearly died. “I was pissed,” remembers Don. But you don’t get to be America’s #1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet girl he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a bag of dog food to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens:

That was quite an adventure, right? It’s obviously — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but all good lies have elements of truth in them. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his dog, drugged a woman, and threw her body in a lake. The only part of the story I 100 percent believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over the course of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help(!) website, and I really encourage speculative fiction fans to go read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we’re about to enter the 2010s, the decade when Don Diebel truly lost his entire mind.

With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disappoint Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original idea. He didn’t find one. He published 100 Best Places To Take A Date, with ideas like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative writers and made long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a man who seductively screams “Show me your bush!” at topless dancers.

Fun Fact: This is the actual copy of 100 Best Places to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label, no case, and an advertisement for a CD on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of stock? You’re an old man burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that supply chain get disrupted? Was there some kind of button shortage on your mouse? Did your assisted living nurse throw out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~1.wpd on it? This last one isn’t a joke but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my point is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything.

Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book title since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game. Here it is:

Don Diebel was alone in a universe where ass no longer held meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was using 35 years earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunt and adapted it for golf. For a professional chick hound, it was like finally turning a dead husband’s den into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and smothering it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never learn if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.

…

No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last light to cling to. And then Don realized the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he put it in the intro to his next book:

This would sound a bit absurd coming from anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his bed, it can only be coming from Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, this idea God gave him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an even worse editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second sentence of the introduction before missing a this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion.

This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual level. It is a whisper in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to send Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a man complaining to the creator of all things for giving women a choice in their sex partners. Let me show you what I’m talking about:

Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about staying strong in the face of rejection and getting help from your hand.

About a quarter of the book is Bible verses loosely related to rejection and loneliness, but the majority of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies love that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a way, it’s a very sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In another way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.

You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand?” Don, you are 70 years old, and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former lovers to see if their self-esteem is still low enough to watch your partial erection flutter? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pool water off her feet.

As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page later in the exact same section, word for word. At this point, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him the tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sex book author who never learned where commas or penises go. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?

For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who gives out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is begging Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failure isn’t a big enough word, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future every woman he’s met starting in 1980 has warned him about. The tragic story of Don Diebel is only surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.

I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s books. I’ve learned that you can’t shove your nuts into the night and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your fingers point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t resist. And if that doesn’t work, Plan B is Jesus.

With this victory, Seanbaby is the new America’s #1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

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Patricia Callan & Peter Bakacs of Modernist Australia

Patricia Callan & Peter Bakacs of Modernist Australia

Creative People

by Lucy Feagins, Editor

Patricia Callan and Peter Bakacs have been running the Modernist Australia it’s various forms since Trish founded the website in 2008. Pictured is their own mid-century home in Ocean Grove, Victoria. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

The brilliant Modernist Australia website.

Trish handles ALL the editorial and social media, while Peter looks after the website design and visuals. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Inside their Ocean Grove home, a Besser brick dwelling designed by Eoin Barnett. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Trish researching for the site. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Their love of mid-century modern architecture extends to art and furniture too! Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Their light and airy dining room. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Monstera goals! Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Peter and Trish at home in Ocean Grove. Photo – Amelia Stanwix for The Design Files.

Have you noticed the groundswell of support for mid century architecture lately? First it was Sirius (in Sydney), then the Lind House in Melbourne (temporarily safe – hurrah!). It seems all across Australia, we’re finally wising up to the inherent value of homes and buildings designed in the ’50s, ’60s and even ’70s. After all… this era was a remarkable and formative time for Australian architecture, and when these houses are gone,  they’re gone for good!

One couple who have spent the past (almost) ten years advocating in their own way for Australia’s mid century history are Patricia Callan and Peter Bakacs. The pair have been running Modernist Australia in its various forms since Trish founded the website in 2008. It’s a truly FANTASTIC site, and an incredible resource for mid century enthusiasts. Well worth following on social media, especially as a home buying resource, or simply for a daily fix of mid century eye-candy!

The husband-and-wife duo both have fine art backgrounds, having both studied Ceramic Design at Monash in the 1990s (Pete focusing on clay, and Trish on hot glass blowing after a year of Sculpture at RMIT).

When Pete is not commuting to Melbourne a few days per week for his full-time job as a web designer, or handing that side of MA, he likes to paint (with a mid-century slant, as you might have guessed!). The talented artist is actually opening his first solo exhibition, ‘The Fast Can’t Lose‘ at Outre Gallery in Melbourne today!

The one-woman marvel behind ALL Modernist Australia’s editorial,  Trish, works part-time in an unrelated field and works on the website every chance she gets. ‘Hence it is not the full site it could be…’ she adds modestly, ‘however, the kids are off to school next year, so we’re hoping to ramp it up a little!’

The family lived in Seddon for 13 years, but moved beachside to a roomier home in Ocean Grove in 2013, with their twin girls who are now aged five. Fittingly, the Modernist Australia headquarters is their amazing 1979 besser brick home, which was designed by architect Eoin Barnett.

We recently visited the duo at their beautiful home, and had a chance to chat to Trish about their brilliant website.

How did you go from studying Fine Art to launching the  Modernist Australia?

Studying fine art sets you up beautifully to work in call centres and admin jobs for years which is what I have done (though I made art in fits and starts). Pete went back to uni and studied multimedia at RMIT, and now is a lead designer at a tech company. Having kids of course takes up time, as does having day jobs, but the busier we are, the more we get done, if that makes sense!

Was there a specific moment that inspired you to launch Modernist Australia? And how has it evolved?

I first focused on mid-century modernist (MCM) homes creatively with an art project in the late ’90s. Being a real estate browser for years I became frustrated that so many architect designed homes were not being sold for their design and craftsmanship merits. This was the 2000s, when MCM styling and furniture was becoming big, but the architecture – the houses these items were coming from – were (and still are) being sold for scrap.

Having a web designer at my disposal, I decided to make a small website to house my rants and showcase the homes which were disappearing before our very eyes. This has evolved into about four different versions of website, forays into holiday rentals and a bit of guest blogging, radio appearances etc.

For someone who isn’t so familar with your site, can you explain what MA is all about?

Modernist Australia (MA) uses existing real estate listings to showcase great MCM, mostly domestic, architecture across the country. It can be used in several ways: as a home buying resource or for design and renovation ideas, as platform for preservation advocacy or for straight up eye-candy. We are fairly broad in what we include as ‘Modernist’, but stay within the perimeters of classic mid-century; 1940s – 1970s. As non-experts ourselves, we aim to elicit broad discussion, because good design is for all, staying accessible and (hopefully!) funny.

Who else is involved in producing all that wonderful content?

MA is essentially my show; I choose the homes, write the commentary and post them up and manage the social media. Peter helps with the technical aspects – the web design, the stats, any issues which may arise with images etc.

How do you source homes and stories to feature; do you have a particular process or criteria?

I’ve learnt in which suburbs MCM houses most commonly  appear, and I web search broad areas of the country with keywords, but mostly now people send us homes they have seen or are selling for inclusion on the site. And we have literally hundreds of homes just this year we could have listed but have not been able to fit in. I try to keep it as nation-wide as possible and show a variety. It would be easy to post nothing but million dollar homes from just Melbourne but that doesn’t reflect the breadth of work, nor philosophy of Modernist progressives who wanted good design to be part of everyone’s lives.

What do you hope to achieve from running MA?

We want to influence mainstream thought by reminding everyone that these houses are beautiful, practical places to live and for the first thought to not be to knock them down. We’d like to see the same desire for MCM furniture and decor afforded to these brilliant, considered residences. I’d especially like the wider public to start thinking about design, even for new builds, to be for actual living not just surface appeal.

The highlight for us has been the resonance of ideas and a growing community who have found each other. The confirmation that we are not alone in our appreciation for this era of design, and that many people are interested in creative output which is stylish but also skilfully created and lasting – not just buying trendy ‘stuff’. The only drawback is being able to keep up with it all. I suspect some people think we are an organisation, though it’s really only me and so I have to constantly juggle emails, social media messages, requests for renovation help, listings and social media stuff at a certain pace to keep the momentum going.

How have the online content and social media revolutions impacted upon MA ?

We have about about 70k page views, per month, but social media has made us who we are. We began the Facebook page around 2011 (14,200 followers) and Instagram began only a couple of years ago (9,700 followers) and both are without question the best method to alert everyone of new content. Social media also provides a platform for commentary which we don’t have to moderate, everyone is very nice and respectful – thankfully!

As you are authors of a website about incredible homes, we’d also love to hear more about your special dwelling?

With twin toddlers we had been looking to move out of the city for more space and fresh air. We had glanced at a few homes down this way and nearly forgotten about this one. Pete came down by himself for an opening and called me immediately and said we had to buy it.

Like many late Modernist brick homes it has a pervasive calmness. Designed to capture sunlight in the day and a moody darkness at night. The carpet, concrete and timber ceiling means it is never clattery or echoey, just soft and cosy all year round. Plus the kitchen is almost identical to the one in my childhood home. As it was only a beach house before there wasn’t much to do but move in our things, though we have built a bungalow out the back as Pete’s studio/home office.  We don’t want to crowd the space so everything is fairly considered, be it from the op-shop or more high-end name pieces. We have a couple of paintings: a Jon Langford, which was a wedding present and a small Ray Crooke, which we also love.

What or who are some other Australian websites, MCM enthusiasts, and creative people you enjoy following?

1. I am always following the local MCM community, specifically Victorian Modern (on Facebook) by architectural historian Simon Reeves who is hilarious and learned in equal measure (watch this space for a possible new contributor to MA!), project home expert Steven Coverdale at MCDA (on Facebook) and any local preservation groups we can find.

2.  I love textiles, so right now am very keen on American fashion label Ace and Jig, lots of drooling and not much buying unfortunately.

3.  We are huge supporters of our local creatives and craftspeople. Geelong and the Bellarine has a great mix of some very cool kids and old-school purveyors and we want them to flourish. Places like: Union Street Wine, Frank and Dollys, The Pivotionan Cinema, and Boom Gallery.

Can you list for us some of the top resources that you turn to when you’re in a need of creative inspiration?

1. Music is a huge factor in our lives (oh to be able to buy records every day!) and depending on what I’m writing, what Pete is painting or what breakfast the girls might be eating there will always be something playing to accompany that.

2. I regularly check Architecture AU and the annual Houses Awards to get excited at the next bunch of architects and their work. It makes me happy about the future.

3. I will always return to some of my favorite design publications from the Mid Twentieth Century, especially my collection of Sunset books from the 1960s and 70s. It’s astounding how architecturally wonderful the ‘everyday’ suburban homes in these books are.

What’s next for Modernist Australia?

Who knows?! Everyday is a new idea.

We do have a lot of inquiries about sympathetic renovation and we’d certainly like to help more with resources for that. But there are also book ideas, podcast ideas, festival ideas, complete commercial sell-outtery or maybe we’ll pack it all in and I’ll start painting too.

BELLARINE PENINSULA QUESTIONS

Your favourite place on the Bellarine?

The Barwon River Estuary and Barwon Heads/Ocean Grove beaches.

… And our little house; we never want to leave!

Where was the best meal you recently had in your area?

Basil’s has been the recent winner – we had a lunch with friends and kids recently and could have stayed all day. The Paddock in Wallington and coffee from White Hart in Ocean Grove are also consistently great.

Where would we find you on a typical Saturday morning?

Thinking I should be going for a glorious long walk on the beach, but actually typing up a listing for MA and planning breaky at one of the above.

What’s The Bellarine’s best kept secret?

The north-facing Corio Bay views and Salt Lounge in Queenscliff for damn fine cocktails.

‘The Fast Can’t Lose‘ by Peter Bakacs October 6th to 15th Outré Gallery 249 Elizabeth St Melbourne

[caredogstips]

An Insider’s Look At The Dark Underbelly Of Amusement Parks

There’s nothing better than an theme park: The stimulates of the roller coaster, the savors of the fair food, the smells of that neat carny who wants to show you his van — absolutely, it is a common … of delight. And then we realized the ghastly blunder of talking to the people who work there, and spoilt all of the splendor. After they clicked out of their flashbacks, sweating and hollering, they illuminated a cigarette, and told us …

5

Brutal Fistfights Are Depressingly Common

Riding a roller coaster in the winter is like going blasted in the appearance by an ice-shotgun, so theme parks tend to do the majority of members of their business in the summer. That comes with its own difficulties: Between the hot, the long wrinkles, and the smell of contaminate sweat, tensions lead higher than some of the people operating the rides. Fistfights are basically ensure. Anthony, who used to work at a pretty famous theme park, tells us TAGEND

“While labor the line for[ a roller coaster move ], a monstrous engage breaks out because someone had saved a place for their brother. The parties behind them did not like it, and started screeching at them. The screeching turned into screaming, which turned into fighting. By the end the person who ‘cut’ had a broken nose and broken teeth.”

Things were pretty much the same at Worlds Of Fun in Missouri, where Nick used to work: “One era that lodges out is when I was running the think competition, where I guess your age, heavines, or birthday … One drunkard person develops waltzing up to me past all the people and requests, ‘Hey! How much is it to fucking performance ?! This game appears enjoyable! ‘”

In nature, that guy would be sounding like a serpent about now.

“I told him it’s five dollars, but you’ll have to go to the back of the line, a “mens and” his daughter are up next. He reads, ‘Fuck that! I wanna play now! ‘ ‘Sir, get out of the behavior, it’s our turn.’ ‘No! Fuck you! ‘ Then that pa smacked the drunk guy so fucking hard. Knocked out fucking cold. Both beings got kicked out of the park. I attained sure that dad got a reward for his “girls “, though. Dude deserved it.”

We’re sure the daughter had so much better recreation that day, and was in no way scarred by these events.

4

Do Not Eat Anything, Ever

If you’re a fan of corn dogs, Anthony is about to spoil your day — even more than your several-corn-dog lunch would TAGEND

“Regular practice in our kitchens — when we find rodent fells — is to throw away only whatever the drops are on.”

“We had a bad rodent problem, and any of our food that was OBVIOUSLY in contact with mice was shed out, while nutrient who are able to even be in the same suitcase was saved.”

… and then put on a dish/ fasten, and, eventually, inside your mouth.

Now, for various liability-related reasonableness, we can’t tell you exactly where Anthony laboured, simply that it was a super well-known park with locatings all over the world. Not Disneyland, though, even if the rodent droppings would be a perfect thematic fit for them.

“Like many other corporations, the park was all about their bottom line, ” Anthony persists. “They will try to save money any room possible, and that, unfortunately, typically was seemed in our meat business district. Our fryers were hardly ever changed, and the petroleum would be there months. I have also understood hires droop food on the soil, and continue to use it. I have no idea if their standards have gotten better, but I refuse to eat in the common anymore.”

Though to be fair to the park, you are supposed to be wino when confronted with that decision.

3

Some Parks Operate On Slave Labor

Outsourcing responsibilities is old hat. Nowadays, all the cool theme parks are really into insourcing, i.e. hiring seasonal help from abroad for so little fund, you’d “re going to have to” doubled it to call it a “slave wage.”

“Our park participates in a foreign exchange curriculum targeting economically depressed countries, ” Anthony reads, “like Turkey, and Thailand, to find students who want to participate in their foreign ‘work study’ program.”

Anthony was right to use quotation marks there, because the only act foreign exchange proletarians actually contemplated was the art of grifting.

Foreign works at Anthony’s park were brought into the country with predicts of enjoyable operate, good remunerate, and all the narcotics they could steal from the person who runs the bumper gondolas. In actuality, though TAGEND

“They are paid the same minimum wages we were, except 70 percent of their paycheck is given back to the common for chamber and board rates. Nonetheless, each chamber deemed four or five students at once, ” and taking 7/10 ths of a person’s paycheck for the privilege of sleeping under a card table isn’t exactly moral.

“There is another massive language hurdle when they first come in. They are in the common for around six months, so eventually “theyre starting” speaking English well. When we were all lastly able to communicate, they spoke of how cruel their conditions were. They seemed almost like prisoners in the camp, ” and that’s hardly an exaggeration.

The park owneds “didn’t sponsor the workers to run to America to take these enterprises, ” Anthony explains. “More often than not, construction workers have to take out loans, or get sponsorship to move out to the U.S. The rate is around $3,000 to do so. Since “they il be” being paid minimum wage and having their hire taken out of it, most laborers end up not stimulating enough to pay back the cost of what it took to operate out there.”

Well, that is pretty representative of the modern-day American experience. Good profession, theme parks?

2

If You’re A Live-in Employee At An Theme park, They Own You

The problem with human employees is that they’re sometimes late, or get sick, or insist on having their own lives outside of task. That’s why theme park cannot wait for current technology to catch up to Westworld . In the meantime, they just have to settle for house some of their local proletarians in fellowship dormitories as well, thus awarding themselves an lunatic degree of govern over their workers’ lives.

Heather, who used to work at Cedar Point in Ohio, interprets: “I lived in a dorm with three beings … This method the ballpark knows exactly where you are at all times, who your friends are, who you’re dating, possibly who you slept with previously, and therefore shouldn’t work with. If they require you to come into work early, they’ll call you — knowing you live a mile and a half down the road and can get there, so ‘no’ is not really an answer.”

Hell, with a pair of binoculars, they could probably investigate what you were wearing. And then rebuke you because you weren’t wearing the park’s communal underwear.

“All of those things can, and will, be used against you( by casing or your supervision) if there is a need, to get you to apply for a certain position, or to come in early or stand belatedly, or to add a couple more weeks on to your contract.”

And if you don’t comply with all of Cedar Point’s seeks, they might form “youre working” while battling an communicable diseases. Ha, just kidding! They might shape you do that even if you’re a model employee.

Read Next

6 Things I Learned When The Cops Raided My House By Mistake

“When I came down with pink seeing, ” Heather answers, “my boss transmitted me to first assist, but first I had to finish my displacement. But because of my circumstance, I wasn’t legally let at the control panels. Marched around all morning with a bottle of handwriting sanitizer, unable to take places at rides or facilitate unbuckle seat belt because I couldn’t learn and didn’t want to spread germs … At my clinic appointment, the doctor mentioned ‘That’s pink eye. Wow. That developed overnight? This looks like you’ve had it for daytimes. What enterprise do you do? ‘ and upon hearing that I was in contact with children 10 hours a day, told me the only worse happening I could have said was that I worked with nutrient … Sent me residence for two days with antibiotics, effective immediately.”

1

A Lot Of People Die At Amusement park

So just how likely are you to die at a theme park? We don’t know. In happening , none does, because there isn’t a single federal agency responsible for investigating or weighing fatalities at amusement park. Yet strangely, there is one that decides how geographical names are expended.

BradenGunem/ iStock Right now the best structure is to avoid any go where the exit is suspiciously close to disaster parking .

What we know for sure is that three of our sources determined someone expire at their park.

“Once, when I was making near The Detonator, ” Nick replies, “which is a tall ride that you sit in and it propels you upwards, someone had a heart attack and died right there. Those advice about heart attack on roller coasters, etc ., are not “re kidding” … Another day, a teenage girlfriend and a acquaintance is intended to go the Gray wolf. It’s a wooden coaster with steep mounds and such. Halfway through, her friend told me that she is intended to button accommodates. So they tried, in mid-ride, and flunked. She fell to her death.”

According to an informal sketch, those were only two of around 1,200 coincidences that emerged in America’s 400 ballparks in 2011. However, the survey came from the International Association Of Amusement park And Attractions, i.e. the parks themselves, which is a little like expecting the NRA how many gun owneds in America shot off their dicks. You know they’ll try to seriously low-ball that number.

Pgiam/ iStock It’s specially odd since so many parks are in Florida, which reports every fucking event else . Still, based on what Justin ascertained, some of those accidents were probably the blame of the victims TAGEND

“One night, a request departs out over the radio about person or persons injured on the Batman ride. This journey has the rider in a set with their feet hanging free. At one point the ride comes out of a loop close to the ground and this woman’s leg and part of the seat assembly struck individual employees[ at 50 mph] who had hopped over the fencing and was in this prohibited domain. There was no doubt he was dead, and good-for-nothing could be done except wait for the coroner. Upon inspection, his pockets were filled with a large amount of change. We figured he was attempting to collect the money that fell from people’s pockets and was in the wrong lieu at the wrong time.”

ChristiTolbert/ iStock And these sorts of occasion is why you don’t salary employees 30 percent of minimum wages . According to Justin, this same ride too killed a teenager a year later, where reference is jump-start the fence to get back the hat “hes lost”. A nearly identical coincidence happened at Anthony’s park — hat, hung roller coaster, and all TAGEND

“There was a man who lost his hat on a move, get off, and decided to climb over the barrier to get it. He aimed up getting hit by a vehicle on our[ dangled roller coaster ]. One other example occurred at our water park. A person cut through the line, crusaded through clients and the lifeguards, and climbed down one of our tallest slides, which is almost a terminated vertical cease. He toppled over and territory on the fence below. He died.”

In conclusion, the most difficult killers at amusement parks are idiocy and Darwinism. Don’t fuck with them and you’ll be OK. And perhaps stay away from the corn dogs.

Anthony is a part-time teach and podcaster and a full-time mythical Goat-Devourer. You can follow him on twitter @elchupacabradlx. Dominic Danzo is a former hire in Games at Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz @gmail. com or follow him on Twitter . For more insider attitudes, check out 6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working at Disney World and 6 Hidden Sides of Disneyland Only Employees Get to Accompany . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Disney Thinks You Hate Poor People, and other videos you won’t discover on the locate !

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Read more: www.cracked.com

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1000 Palavras Mais Usadas em Inglês

http://tinyurl.com/kb44wkk A tabela completa está disposta da seguinte forma: # é a posição da palavra na ordem da mais usada (1) até a menos usada (1000), palavra, pronúncia (com áudio) e tradução. Confira:

# Palavra Pronúncia Tradução 1 the dhâ o, a, os, as 2 of âv de 3 to tuu para 4 and énd e 5 a â um, uma 6 in ên em, dentro 7 is ês é 8 it êt este 9 you yuu você 10 that dhét que, aquele 11 he rrii ele 12 was uós era, estava 13 for fór por, para 14 on ón em 15 are ar são, estão 16 with uêdh com 17 as és como, enquanto 18 I ai eu 19 his rrês seu 20 they dhei eles 21 be bii ser, estar 22 at ét em 23 one uân um 24 have rrév ter 25 this dhês este 26 from frâm de 27 or ór ou 28 had rréd tinha 29 by bai por, em 30 hot rrat quente 31 word uâd palavra 32 but bât mas 33 what uót o-que 34 some sâm algum 35 we uii nós 36 can kén pode, lata 37 out aut fora 38 other âdhâr outro 39 were uâr eram, esavam 40 all ól todo 41 there thér lá 42 when uen quando 43 up âp para-cima 44 use iuz usar 45 your yór seu 46 how rráu como, quão 47 said séd disse 48 an én um, uma 49 each iich cada 50 she shii ela 51 which uêtch qual 52 do duu fazer, mesmo 53 their thér seus 54 time taim tempo, hora 55 if êf se 56 will uêl vai, vontade 57 way uei caminho, jeito 58 about âbaut sobre, quase 59 many méni muitos 60 then dhên então 61 them dhêm deles 62 write rait escrever 63 would uôd deveria 64 like laik como, gostar 65 so sôu assim, tão 66 these dhiiz estes 67 her rrâr dela 68 long lóng longo 69 make meik fazer 70 thing thêng coisa 71 see sii ver 72 him rrêm dele 73 two tuu dois, duas 74 has rrés tem 75 look lôk olhar 76 more mór mais 77 day dei dia 78 could côd poderia 79 go gôu ir 80 come câm vir 81 did dêd fez, mesmo 82 number nâmbâr número 83 sound saund som 84 no nou não 85 most moust mais, maior 86 people piipâl pessoas, povo 87 my mai meu 88 over ouvâr sobre, acima-de 89 know nou saber 90 water uóttâr água 91 than dhén que 92 call cól chamar 93 first fârst primeiro 94 who rruu que 95 may mei maio, pode 96 down daun baixo 97 side said lado 98 been bên sido, estado 99 now nau agora 100 find faind encontrar 101 any éni qualquer 102 new nuu novo 103 work uârk trabalho 104 part part parte 105 take teik pegar 106 get ghét ficar 107 place pleis lugar 108 made meid feito 109 live lêv, laiv viver, vivo 110 where uér onde 111 after éftâr após 112 back bék atrás, costas 113 little lêttâl pequeno, pouco 114 only ounli somente 115 round raund redondo, rodada 116 man mén homem 117 year yiir ano 118 came keim chegado 119 show shou mostrar 120 every evri cada 121 good gôd bom 122 me mii me, eu 123 give ghêv dar 124 our ar nosso 125 under ândâr sob 126 name neim nome 127 very véri muito, absoluto 128 through thruu através-de 129 just jâst justo, só 130 form fórm forma, formulário 131 sentence sêntâns sentença 132 great greit ótimo, excelente, grande 133 think thênk pensar 134 say sei dizer 135 help rrêlp ajudar 136 low lou baixo 137 line lain linha, fila 138 differ dêfâr diferir 139 turn târn tornar, vez 140 cause cóz causa 141 much mâtch muito 142 mean miin meio, significar 143 before bêfór antes 144 move muuv movimento 145 right rait direito 146 boy bói garoto 147 old ould velho 148 too tuu também 149 same seim mesmo 150 tell têl contar 151 does dâz faz, mesmo 152 set sêt conjunto, fixar 153 three thrii três 154 want uânt querer 155 air ér ar 156 well uel bem, poço 157 also ólsou também 158 play plei peça, tocar 159 small smól pequeno 160 end ênd fim, finalizar 161 put pôt por 162 home rroum casa 163 read riid ler, lido 164 hand rrénd mão 165 port pórt porto 166 large larj grande 167 spell spêl soletrar, encanto 168 add éd adicionar 169 even iivân mesmo 170 land lénd terra 171 here rriir aqui 172 must mâst dever 173 big bêg grande 174 high rrai alto 175 such sâtch tal 176 follow falou seguir 177 act ékt ato, agir 178 why uai por-que 179 ask ésk pedir, perguntar 180 men mên homens 181 change tcheinj mudar 182 went uent foi 183 light lait leve, luz 184 kind kaind bom, tipo 185 off óf por, desligado 186 need niid precisar 187 house rraus casa 188 picture pêktchâr foto, filme 189 try trai tentar 190 us âs nos 191 again âghein de-novo 192 animal énâmâl animal 193 point point ponto 194 mother mâdhâr mãe 195 world uârld mundo 196 near niir perto 197 build bêld construir 198 self self próprio, ego 199 earth ârth terra 200 father fódhâr pai 201 head rred cabeça 202 stand sténd permanecer, de-pé, banca 203 own oun próprio 204 page peij página 205 should shôd deveria 206 country cântri país 207 found faund encontrado, fundar 208 answer énsâr resposta 209 school skool escola 210 grow grou crescer 211 study stâdi estudo 212 still stêl até, calmo 213 learn lârn aprender 214 plant plént planta, fábrica 215 cover câvâr cobrir 216 food fuud comida 217 sun sân sol 218 four fór quatro 219 between bituiin entre 220 state steit estado 221 keep kiip guardar 222 eye ai olho 223 never nevâr nunca 224 last lést último, durar 225 let let deixar 226 thought thót pensamento, pensado 227 city cêtti cidade 228 tree trii árvore 229 cross crós cruz, cruzar 230 farm farm fazenda 231 hard rrard duro 232 start start começar 233 might mait poder, poderia 234 story stóri estória, andar(prédio) 235 saw só viu, serra 236 far far longe 237 sea sii mar 238 draw dró arrastar, empate 239 left left esquerda, deixado 240 late leit tarde 241 run rân correr 242 don't dount não 243 while uail enquanto 244 press pres pressão, imprensa 245 close clous fechar 246 night nait noite 247 real riil real 248 life laif vida 249 few fiu alguns 250 north nórth norte 251 open oupân aberto 252 seem siim parecer 253 together tâghedhâr juntos 254 next next próximo 255 white uait branco 256 children tchêldrân crianças 257 begin bêghên começar 258 got gat ficado 259 walk uók andar 260 example igzémpâl exemplo 261 ease iiz facilitar 262 paper peipâr papel 263 group grup grupo 264 always óluêz sempre 265 music miuzêk música 266 those dhouz aqueles 267 both bouth ambos 268 mark mark marcar 269 often ófân muitas-vezes 270 letter lettâr letra, carta 271 until ântêl até 272 mile mail milha 273 river rêvâr rio 274 car car carro 275 feet fiit pés 276 care kér cuidado 277 second secând segundo 278 book bôk livro 279 carry kéri carregar 280 took tôk pego 281 science sains ciência 282 eat iit comer 283 room ruum cômodo, quarto 284 friend frend amigo 285 sight sait visão 286 began bêgén começado 287 idea aidiia idéia 288 fish fêsh peixe, pescar 289 mountain mauntân montanha 290 stop stap parar 291 once uâns uma-vez 292 base beis base 293 hear rriir ouvir 294 horse rrórs cavalo 295 cut cât cortar 296 sure shôr certo 297 watch uótch assistir, relógio 298 color câlâr cor, colorir 299 face feis rosto 300 wood uôd madeira 301 main mein principal 302 enough inâf bastante 303 plain plein plano, simples 304 girl gârl garota 305 usual iuzhuâl usual, comum 306 young yâng jovem 307 ready riidi pronto 308 above âbâv acima 309 ever evâr sempre, já 310 red red vermelho 311 list lêst lista 312 though thou apesar-de 313 feel fiiól sentir, sentimendo 314 talk tók conversar 315 bird bârd pássaro 316 soon suun logo 317 body baddi corpo 318 dog dóg cachorro 319 family fémâli família 320 direct dârekt direto 321 pose pouz posição 322 leave liiv deixar 323 song sóng canção 324 measure mejâr medida 325 door dór porta 326 product pradâkt produto 327 black blék negro 328 short shórt curto 329 numeral nuumârâl numeral 330 class clés classe 331 wind uênd vento 332 question quéschân questão, pergunta 333 happen rrépân acontecer 334 complete câmpliit completo 335 ship shêp navio, embarcar 336 area ériiâ área 337 half rréf metade 338 rock rak roque, rocha 339 order órdâr ordem, pedido 340 fire fair fogo, incêndio, despedir 341 south sauth sul 342 problem prablâm problema 343 piece piis peça, pedaço 344 told tould contado 345 knew nuu sabido 346 pass pés passar 347 since sêns desde 348 top tap topo, principal 349 whole rroul inteiro 350 king kêng rei 351 space speis espaço 352 heard rrârd ouvido 353 best best melhor 354 hour aur hora 355 better bettâr melhor 356 true truu verdadeiro 357 during duurêng durante 358 hundred rrândrâd cem 359 five faiv cinco 360 remember rimembâr lembrar 361 step step passo 362 early ârli cedo 363 hold rrould guardar 364 west uest oeste 365 ground graund terra, amolado 366 interest êntrâst interesse, juros 367 reach riitch alcançar 368 fast fést rápido 369 verb vârb verbo 370 sing sêng cantar 371 listen lêssân ouvir 372 six sêks seis 373 table teibâl mesa, tabela 374 travel trévâl viajar 375 less les menos 376 morning mórnên manhã 377 ten ten dez 378 simple sêmpâl simples 379 several sevrâl vários 380 vowel vaul vogal 381 toward tuuard para 382 war uar guerra 383 lay lei deitar, amador 384 against âghenst contra 385 pattern péttârn padrão 386 slow slou devagar 387 center centâr centro 388 love lâv amor, amar 389 person pârsân pessoa 390 money mâni dinheiro 391 serve sârv servir 392 appear âpiir aparecer 393 road roud estrada 394 map mép mapa 395 rain rein chuva 396 rule ruul régua, regra 397 govern gâvârn governar 398 pull pôl puxar 399 cold could frio 400 notice nottâs aviso 401 voice vois voz 402 unit iunât unidade 403 power pauâr poder, força 404 town taun municipal 405 fine fain bom, excelente 406 certain sârtân certo 407 fly flai voar, mosca 408 fall fól cair, queda, outono 409 lead liid levar, chumbo 410 cry crai choro, chorar 411 dark dark escuro 412 machine mâshiin máquina 413 note nout anotar 414 wait ueit esperar 415 plan plén plano 416 figure fêghiâr figura, imaginar 417 star star estrela 418 box baks caixa 419 noun naun substantivo 420 field fiild campo 421 rest rest resto, descanso 422 correct cârekt correto 423 able eibâl capaz 424 pound paund libra 425 done dân feito 426 beauty biutti beleza 427 drive draiv direção, dirigir 428 stood stud permanecido 429 contain cântein conter 430 front frânt frente 431 teach tiitch ensinar 432 week uiik semana 433 final fainâl final 434 gave gheiv dado 435 green griin verde 436 oh ou ó 437 quick quêk rápido 438 develop dêvelâp desenvolver 439 ocean oushân oceano 440 warm uórm quente 441 free frii livre, grátis 442 minute mênât minuto 443 strong stróng forte 444 special speshâl especial 445 mind maind mente, importar-se 446 behind bêrraind atrás 447 clear cliir claro 448 tail teil rabo 449 produce prâdus produção 450 fact fékt fato 451 street striit rua 452 inch êntch polegada 453 multiply mâltâplai multiplicar 454 nothing nâthêng nada 455 course córs curso 456 stay stei ficar 457 wheel uiil roda 458 full fôl cheio 459 force fórs força, forçar 460 blue bluu azul 461 object âbjêkt objeto 462 decide dêsaid decidir 463 surface sârfâs superficie 464 deep diip profundo 465 moon muun lua 466 island ailând ilha 467 foot fuut pé 468 system sêstâm sistema 469 busy bêzi ocupado 470 test test teste 471 record recârd recorde, gravar, registro 472 boat bout barco 473 common camân comum 474 gold gould ouro 475 possible pasâbâl possível 476 plane plein avião 477 stead sted local 478 dry drai seco 479 wonder uândâr admirar 480 laugh léf rir 481 thousand thauzând mil 482 ago âgou atrás 483 ran rén corrido 484 check tchek cheque, checagem 485 game gheim jogo 486 shape sheip forma 487 equate iiqueit equacionar 488 miss mês sentir, senhorita 489 brought brót trazido 490 heat rriit calor 491 snow snou neve 492 tire tair pneu, cansar 493 bring brêng trazer 494 yes yes sim 495 distant dêstânt distante 496 fill fêl encher 497 east iist leste 498 paint peint pintar 499 language lénguêj língua 500 among âmâng entre 501 grand grénd grandioso 502 ball ból bola 503 yet yet ainda, já 504 wave ueiv onda 505 drop drap gota 506 heart rrórt coração 507 am ém sou, estou 508 present prezânt presente 509 heavy rrevi pesado 510 dance déns dança 511 engine enjân motor 512 position pâzêshãn posição 513 arm arm braço 514 wide uaid amplo 515 sail seil vela(navio) 516 material mâtiiriâl material 517 size saiz tamanho 518 vary véri variar 519 settle settâl estabelecer 520 speak spiik falar 521 weight ueit peso 522 general jenral general, geral 523 ice ais gelo 524 matter méttâr matéria, importar-se 525 circle sârkâl círculo 526 pair pér par 527 include ênclud incluir 528 divide dêvaid dividir 529 syllable sêlâbâl sílaba 530 felt feólt sentido 531 perhaps pârhépps talvez 532 pick pêk escolher, apanhar 533 sudden sâdân imprevisto 534 count caunt contar, contagem, conde 535 square squér quadrado, praça 536 reason riizân razão 537 length lenth comprimento 538 represent reprêzent representar 539 art art arte 540 subject sâbjêkt sujeito, assunto 541 region riijân região 542 energy enârji energia 543 hunt rrânt caçar 544 probable prabâbâl provável 545 bed bed cama 546 brother brâdhâr irmão 547 egg eg ovo 548 ride raid passeio 549 cell ceól cela, célula 550 believe bêliiv acreditar 551 fraction frécshân fração 552 forest fórâst floresta 553 sit sêt sentar 554 race reis raça, corrida 555 window uêndou janela 556 store stór armazém 557 summer sâmâr verão 558 train trêin trem, treinar 559 sleep sliip dormir 560 prove pruuv provar 561 lone loun só 562 leg leg perna 563 exercise eksârsaiz exercício 564 wall uól parede 565 catch kétch pegar 566 mount maunt monte, montar 567 wish uêsh desejo 568 sky skai céu 569 board bórd quadro 570 joy jói alegria 571 winter uênttâr inverno 572 sat sét sentado 573 written rêtân escrito 574 wild uaild selvagem 575 instrument ênstrâmânt instrumento 576 kept kept guardado 577 glass glés vidro 578 grass grés grama 579 cow cau vaca 580 job jáb trabalho, jó 581 edge ej canto 582 sign sain sinal 583 visit vêzât visita 584 past pést passado 585 soft saft macio 586 fun fân alegria 587 bright brait claro 588 gas ghés gás, gasolina 589 weather uedhâr tempo 590 month mânt mês 591 million mêliân milhão 592 bear bér urso, carregar 593 finish fênish fim, finalizar 594 happy rrépi feliz 595 hope rroup esperança 596 flower flauâr flor 597 clothe cloudh vestir 598 strange streindj estranho 599 gone gón ido 600 jump jâmp pular 601 baby beibi bebê 602 eight eit oito 603 village vêlâj vila 604 meet miit encontrar 605 root ruut raiz 606 buy bai comprar 607 raise reiz levantar 608 solve soulv resolver 609 metal mettâl metal 610 whether uedhâr se 611 push pôsh empurrar, iniciativa 612 seven sevân sete 613 paragraph pérâgréf parágrafo 614 third thârd terceiro 615 shall shél vai 616 held rreld guardado 617 hair rrér cabelo 618 describe dêcraib descrever 619 cook côk cozinhar 620 floor flór chão, derrotar 621 either aidhâr um, ou outro, também 622 result rêzâlt resultado 623 burn bârn queimar 624 hill rrêl colina 625 safe seif seguro, cofre 626 cat két gato 627 century centri século 628 consider cânsêdâr considerar 629 type taip tipo, datilografar 630 law ló lei 631 bit bêt pouco, broca 632 coast coust costa, litoral 633 copy capi copiar 634 phrase freiz frase 635 silent sailânt silencio 636 tall tól alto(pessoa) 637 sand sénd areia 638 soil sóil solo 639 roll rôl giro, lista 640 temperature temprâchâr temperatura 641 finger fêngâr dedo 642 industry êndâstri indústria 643 value véliu valor 644 fight fait luta 645 lie lai deitar, mentir 646 beat biit bater 647 excite iksait instigar 648 natural nétchârâl natural 649 view viu vista 650 sense sens sentido 651 ear iir orelha, espiga 652 else els outro 653 quite quait muito 654 broke brouk quebrado 655 case keis caso, embalagem 656 middle mêdâl meio 657 kill kêl matar 658 son sân filho 659 lake leik lago 660 moment moumânt momento 661 scale skeil escada, escala, escama 662 loud laud alto(som) 663 spring sprêng primavera, mola 664 observe âbzârv observar 665 child tchaild criança 666 straight streit reto 667 consonant cansânânt consoante 668 nation neishân nação 669 dictionary dêkshânâri dicionário 670 milk mêlk leite 671 speed spiid velocidade 672 method méthâd método 673 organ órgân órgão 674 pay pei pagar 675 age eij idade 676 section sekshân seção 677 dress dres vestido 678 cloud claud nuvem 679 surprise sârpraiz surpresa 680 quiet quait quieto 681 stone stoun pedra 682 tiny taini minúsculo 683 climb claim escalar 684 cool cuul frio 685 design dêzain desenho 686 poor pôr pobre 687 lot lót muito, lote 688 experiment eksperâmânt experimento 689 bottom battâm baixo 690 key kii chave 691 iron airn ferro 692 single sêngâl só, solteiro 693 stick stêk vareta, fincar 694 flat flét achatado, plano 695 twenty tuenti vinte 696 skin skên pele 697 smile smail sorriso 698 crease criis ruga 699 hole rroul buraco 700 trade treid comércio 701 melody melâdi melodia 702 trip trêp viajar, passeio 703 office afâs escritório, função 704 receive riciiv receber 705 row rou remar, fila 706 mouth mauth boca 707 exact igzéct exato 708 symbol sêmbâl símbol 709 die dai morrer 710 least liist menos 711 trouble trâbâl preocupação 712 shout shaut gritar 713 except êkscept exceto 714 wrote rout escrito 715 seed siid semente 716 tone toun tom 717 join join juntar 718 suggest sâgjest sugerir 719 clean cliin limpo 720 break breik quebrar 721 lady leidi dama 722 yard yard jarda, quintal 723 rise raiz levantar 724 bad béd mal 725 blow blou assoprar 726 oil oil óleo, petróleo 727 blood blâd sangue 728 touch tâtch tocar 729 grew gruu crescido 730 cent cent centavo 731 mix mêks mistura 732 team tiim grupo 733 wire uair arame 734 cost cóst custo 735 lost lóst perdido 736 brown braun marrom 737 wear uér usar 738 garden gardân jardim 739 equal iiquâl igual 740 sent sent enviado 741 choose tchuuz escolher 742 fell fel caido 743 fit fêt ajustado 744 flow flou correr, corrente 745 fair fér feira, claro 746 bank bénk banco 747 collect câlect recolher, pagar 748 save seiv salvar 749 control cântroul controle 750 decimal dêsêmâl decimal 751 gentle jentâl gentil 752 woman uômân mulher 753 captain képtân capitão 754 practice précttâs prática 755 separate sepârât separado 756 difficult dêfêcâlt difícil 757 doctor dactâr doutor 758 please pliiz por-favor, agradar 759 protect prâtect proteger 760 noon nuun meio-dia 761 whose rruuz cujo 762 locate loukeit localizar 763 ring rêng anel, tocar 764 character kérêktâr caráter, personagem 765 insect ênsect inseto 766 caught cót pego 767 period pêriiâd período 768 indicate êndêkeit indicar 769 radio reidiiou rádio 770 spoke spouk falado, raio 771 atom étâm átomo 772 human rriumân humano 773 history rrêstâri história 774 effect êfect efeito 775 electric êlektrêk elétrico 776 expect ikspekt esperar 777 crop crap colheita 778 modern madârn moderno 779 element elêmânt elemento 780 hit rrêt acertar 781 student stuudânt estudante 782 corner córnâr esquina 783 party party partido, festa 784 supply sâplai suprir 785 bone boun osso 786 rail reil grade, trilho 787 imagine êmédjân imaginar 788 provide prâvaid fornecer 789 agree âgrii concordar 790 thus dhâs assim 791 capital képêtâl capital 792 won't uount não-vai 793 chair tchér cadeira 794 danger deindjâr perigo 795 fruit fruut fruta 796 rich rêtch rico 797 thick thêk grosso 798 soldier souldjãr soldado 799 process prouces processo 800 operate apâreit operar 801 guess ghes adivinhar 802 necessary nesâséri necessário 803 sharp sharp agudo, sustenido 804 wing uêng asa 805 create crieit criar 806 neighbor neibâr vizinho 807 wash uósh lavar 808 bat bét morcego, bastão 809 rather raadhâr de-preferência 810 crowd craud multidão 811 corn córn milho 812 compare câmpér comparar 813 poem pouêm poema 814 string strêng corda 815 bell beól sino 816 depend dêpend depender 817 meat miit carne 818 rub râb esfregar 819 tube tuub tubo, tv 820 famous feimâs famoso 821 stream striim corrente 822 fear fiir medo, temer 823 thin thên fino, magro 824 triangle traiéngâl triângulo 825 planet plénât planeta 826 hurry rrâri pressa 827 chief chiif chefe 828 clock clak relógio 829 mine main meu, mina 830 tie tai amarrar 831 enter enttâr entrar 832 major meidjâr maior, major 833 fresh fresh fresco 834 search sârtch buscar 835 send send enviar 836 yellow yelou amarelo 837 gun gân arma 838 rose rouz rosa, levantado 839 allow âlau permitir 840 print prênt imprimir 841 dead ded morto 842 spot spat ponto 843 desert dêzârt deserto 844 suit suut terno 845 current cârânt atual 846 lift lêft levantar 847 continue cântêniu continuar 848 block blak bloco 849 chart tchart gráfico 850 hat rrét chapéu 851 sell sel vender 852 success sâkses sucesso 853 company câmpâni companhia, empresa 854 subtract sâbtréct subtrair 855 event ivent evento 856 particular partêkiâlar especial 857 deal diil negócio 858 term târm termo, período 859 opposite apâzât oposto 860 wife uaif esposa 861 shoe shuu sapato 862 shoulder shouldâr ombro 863 spread spred espalhar 864 arrange âreindj arranjar 865 camp kémp campo 866 invent ênvent inventar 867 cotton catân algodão 868 born bórn nascido 869 determine dêtârmân determinar 870 quart quórt quarto(medida) 871 nine nain nove 872 truck trâk caminhão 873 noise nóiz barulho 874 level levâl nível 875 chance tchéns chance, acaso 876 gather ghédhâr juntar 877 shop shap loja 878 stretch stretch alcance 879 throw throu arremessar 880 shine shain brilhar 881 property prapâtti propriedade 882 column calâm coluna 883 molecule malêkiul molécula 884 select sêlect selecionar 885 wrong róng errado 886 gray grei cinza 887 repeat rêpiit repetir 888 require rêquair exigir 889 broad bród amplo 890 prepare prêpér preparar 891 salt sólt sal 892 nose nouz nariz 893 plural plôrâl plural 894 anger éngâr raiva 895 claim cleim clamar 896 continent cantânânt continente 897 oxygen aksêdjân oxigênio 898 sugar shuugâr açúcar 899 death deth morte 900 pretty prêti belo, muito 901 skill skêl habilidade 902 women uêmân mulheres 903 season seezân estação 904 solution sâlushân solução 905 magnet mégnât imã 906 silver sêlvãr prata 907 thank thénk agradecer 908 branch brénch galho 909 match métch competição, fósforo 910 suffix sâfêks sufixo 911 especially êspeshâli especialmente 912 fig fêg figo 913 afraid âfreid com-medo 914 huge rriudj grande, enorme 915 sister sêstâr irmã 916 steel stiil aço 917 discuss dêscâs discutir 918 dollar dalâr dólar 919 forward fóruârd adiante, passar adiante 920 similar sêmâlãr semelhante 921 guide gaid guia, guiar 922 experience êkspiiriâns experiência 923 score scór placar, duas-dezenas 924 apple épâl maçã 925 bought bót comprado 926 led led levado 927 colony calâni colonia 928 pitch pêtch piche, arremeço 929 coat cout casaco 930 mass més massa, missa 931 card card cartão 932 band bénd banda 933 rope roup corda 934 slip slêp escorregar 935 win uên ganhar 936 dream driim sonho 937 evening iivnêng noite 938 condition cândêshân condição 939 feed fiid alimentar 940 tool tuul ferramenta 941 total toutãl total 942 basic beisêk básico 943 smell smel cheiro 944 valley véli vale 945 nor nór nem 946 double dâbâl dobro 947 seat siit assento 948 arrive âraiv chegar 949 master méstâr mestre 950 track trék trilha 951 parent pérânt pais 952 shore shór praia 953 division dêvêzhân divisão 954 sheet shiit folha, lençol 955 substance sâbstâns substância 956 favor feivâr favor, favorecer 957 connect cânect conectar 958 post poast pós, posto 959 spend spend gastar 960 swim suêm nadar 961 chord córd acorde 962 fat fét gordo 963 glad gléd contente 964 original ârêdjânâl original 965 share shér parte 966 station steishân estação 967 dad déd papai 968 bread bréd pão 969 charge chardj carga, cobrança 970 proper prapâr próprio 971 bar bar bar, barra 972 offer afêr oferecer 973 segment segmânt segmento 974 slave sleiv escravo 975 duck dâk pato, mergulhar 976 instant ênstânt instante 977 market markât mercado 978 degree dêgrii grau 979 populate papiâleit povoar 980 chick tchêk pintinho 981 dear diir querido 982 enemy enâmi inimigo 983 reply rêplai resposta 984 drink drênk bebida 985 occur âcâr ocorrer 986 support sâpórt apoiar 987 speech spiitch discurso 988 nature neitchâr natureza 989 range reindj alcance, pastagem 990 steam stiim vapor 991 motion moushân movimento 992 path péth caminho 993 liquid lêquâd líquido 994 log lóg lenha, diário 995 meant ment significado 996 quotient quoshânt quociente 997 teeth tiith dentes 998 shell shel concha 999 neck nek pescoço 1000 dessert dêssârt sobremesa