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#the burdent of not being understood. its annoying and i dont like it. also its my fault
opens-up-4-nobody
·
1 year
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#the burdent of not being understood. its annoying and i dont like it. also its my fault
#because if u say something serious in a light tone ppl dont kno wtf to do. prob bc they dont kno if ur delusional or not and like dont
#wanna upset u. but then its like annoying bc they still walk away worried and im like ok neither of us r happy bc u dont get how serious
#thjs is but i cant tell u how serious it is without making u worried. and y should i make u worry if u can't fuckinf do anything abt it?
#so its just annoying. which is to say i went to a retirement lunch today and it was as awkward as i imagined
#bc it was me and my boss and a couple professors and i dont do well in these group situations anything so i spent a lotta time spaced out
#not hearing anyone bc the noise in the room was messy and my brain was peeling away from my body. but whatever i was there. and my boss
#drove us both and on the way back she started the. im worried abt u talk. which i feel like she was too hesitant abt it. which like i get
#bc its awkward to bring up but like i dont give a fuck so idk i feel like u gotta start those conversations like. this is how watching u
#makes me feel. idk whatever. and i was honest but like it was a 5min car ride so i didnt have thr time to be like ok heres the deal. ya
#kno? so now im all annoyed bc my brain is fucking unbearable when i feel like i havent made my thoughts clear. and now its like. do i bring
#it back up? or just let it go? whats to be gained by talking abt it? all that i have to say is upsetting bc im very aware im being self
#destructive. thats the point. i get boried and my brain only lets me do like 2 things so i use those things to make myself insane. bc at
#least then i can observe the symptoms of the stress im exherting on myself. and i kno that not good bc idk how to stop and ppl r always
#like u gotta relax. what will help u relax? and im like u dont fucking understand. i cant regulate thr amount i like things. if i like
#something i like it so much it becomes stressful. and i like drawing but its not relaxing. its a thing i have to do and its stressful bc im
#constantly thinking abt making things perfect and never meeting thst mark. my happiest memories arent even happy moments theyre just times
#where my brain stopped for a second and i could just breathe for a minute. so like i cant relax. i dont like anything a normal amount so
#the solution must be medication. but my brain has decided im not allowed to fix this problem until i move away so like 🙃 and like i was
#giving little bits of this in the car but its like lady i kno its a problem. ive known its a problem for years. the self awareness doesnt
#help. except that it keeps me from doing anything extremely bad bc for me if i at least kno where it comes from i can b like ah yes. this
#is fucking stupid lol. but i dunno how me sharing all this helps bc im sure it only raises the worry. but like its fine. i mean its not but
#like ya kno. and i was kinda explaining how upsetting it is for me to have my schedule changed without warning even if its for things other
#ppl would see as good and i wasnt thst firm abt it so it was: but i can't just do nothing for u! and i was like ugh fuck it fine whatever.
#and like do i bring that back up bc it is like a respect my boundaries thing but like i feel like if i were anyone else it would be good
#to drag someone out of their comfort zone but im being dragged into situations i find profoundly isolating bc i cant seem to function in
#groups. ugh its just fucking annoying bc i dont want her to feel bad. i appreciate the effort but like ugh its exhausting. whatever. it was
#anyway. im just annoyed thst i should have explained things better. also im annoyed thst i constantly forget most things taste bland and
#then im annoyed when i hsve to eat bland things. i think my nose doesnt work right bc i csnt smell much either
#unrelated
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