#the actions of some people really do spawn a plethora of shakesspearian bullshit lol

[c4rr10n]

tea time or w/e if you want some entertainment lol

so last night my roommate and “friend” (by proxy, i suppose) hijacked a conversation i was having with another roommate. i was going to go out of town tonight to see an old family friend i haven’t seen in years, and they were asking about that, to which i explained that due to unfortunate circumstances I wouldn’t be making it, and that I was really bummed about said circumstances (the 6k min surgery thing F) and not getting to see my friend.  anyway, person b, my other roommate, walks in and hijacks the convo. they are going through a breakup (so am i, but to a more intense caliber as we had been living together and essentially married, sharing expenses, she helped mother my cat/child, etc, you get it) and tried to outright state that what he and i are going through are the same. They are NOT. person b is going through a typical break up, I am more or less going through an unofficial divorce with less paperwork and no hearings. My entire life has been destabilized, I lost my housing, my cat lost her mother and is evidently depressed, my financial situation and much of my future plans are in shambles. The only thing still truly completely in my control is my schoolwork right now - and thank god I at least have that and my cat. My now-ex was my end all be all, and she lied to me, withheld crucial information from me, and cheated on me. Because she was afraid of change, afraid of losing me so much she defaulted to illogically and detrimentally protecting herself to the extent of harming me and completely sabotaging our relationship. She and our life together were my everything. Additionally, I only have one friend in this town. My closest friends by distance are three hours away. Person B has many in the immediate vicinity, and also has other partners as they are polyamorous. So, no, our situations are not remotely the same. Their pain is real and I empathize, but their struggle lies in being sad over chinese food because that’s something he and his ex used to do together - my struggles stem from nearly every aspect of my life being evidence that everything I had established for my present and future has been not only uprooted, but all for naught. Not the same. I found it very disrespectful and dismissive among other things, but I am not the type to indulge others in my affairs so their ignorance is on me. So I let it slide. But they kept going on and on about it, forcing the room to be subject to their little petty tragedy.  In an attempt to diffuse and redirect the conversation I shared a story of my own. I said, “If it makes you feel better,” and told the most absurd tale i’ve ever experienced in which i was drugged with delaudid while on xanax and overdosed, and the guy responsible attempted to kidnap me - the proof of which was in that i had to get him to return to where he left me (someone stopped him from taking me, thank fuck) because all my shit was in his truck. and a month later, still suffering the mental and physical aftermath of OD bc no one took me to the hospital and even dissuaded me from doing so the following day - my life came unraveled and it was too much, and especially due to the mental effects of the OD, and I was young and dumb, and well... I tried to end it all. my partner at the time responded by dumping me and fucking my neighbor two days later! i mean, by god LOL. I know there’s a lot to unpack here, but at surface level, it’s a hell of a story. It’s so ridiculous it’s funny. Like truly some deranged soap opera shit. I shared this story because it’s RIDICULOUS. It’s outlandish. Few experiences can hold a candle to just how fucking intense and kooky the story is. It’s like a fucking Shakespeare play lol. Also because I know that because person b had been expecting my friend to dump them, they staged a suicide by eating a bottle and a half of tylenol after my friend had gone back home. My friend had come over to support them because they were going to admit themself to the mental hospital - which I respect. It’s good to know when you need help, and do what you need to to get better and get it together. I respect trying. However, earlier in during that night while my friend was still present, they simply... walked out of the house! And the last time they’d done that was about a year prior - to pull a suicide stunt. They lured my friend out to a bridge, acting as if they intended to jump. It’s important to know at this point that there are numerous ways to ensure a successful suicide in this house, especially because almost everyone here is doing HRT - an embolism will easily take care of the light in your eyes with little to no mess, and sleeping pills to ensure you feel no pain. There are also multiple resources for a hanging, to bleed out in the tub if you want to go out with theatrics and REALLY traumatize your loved ones (since, yknow, inflicting trauma and urgency upon their peers seemed to be an important factor in person b’s suicide plan), to list a few. It was a stunt. Additionally, if you have been following me for long enough, you will know that I lost a very dear friend to suicide nearly two years ago and the toll it took was inexplicable - it literally changed my life forever. So, I do not take such actions lightly. But it’s not my place to put them in theirs, so I keep it to myself.  Returning to the conversation which person b hijacked, they responded by saying that my friend (who is genuinely one of the most upstanding and genuinely kind and passionate and sentimental people I have ever met in my life, and also really has his shit together - lives independently and works for the city helping disadvantaged individuals in community and generally just being accessible to anyone who might need help of any caliber) had done to them what that particular ex had done. It was such a short statement, it happened so quickly, by the time they’d finished saying the words I wasn’t sure they had actually just said them. Why? Because as formerly mentioned, year ago they pulled a similar stunt - staged a suicide attempt - and my friend, against his better judgement - let this event slide, and has regretted it since. While I told him that he had been sitting on his uncertainty for too long, he continued to extend himself time and time again for person b, no matter the toll it took on him. They have continuously exhibited harmful behaviors - mostly to others, but some to themself (most of which include complacency), and in the past few months I have been the one that my friend confided in about how this person had been hurting them. And ofc, I understand and appreciate that my roommate (person b) and i have almost all of the same mental health diagnoses - but frankly I have about 4 years on them and exponentially more life skills. Not boasting here, just stating a fact. They are very irresponsible and immature. This is why my friend broke up with them. As one does - their places in life were just too different and incompatible to the point of dealing harm to my friend. Such situations are often simply a part of life - very normal, very common.  Anyway, so my roommate tried to spin the whole situation differently than it happened, omitted multiple poor and extreme choices of their own, and intentionally implied that my friend (and also the friend of the entire household, and the one who introduced them to the household) had left them because of the suicide. Which... when stated so plainly, is not entirely untrue, but is not entirely true - it is a misleading technical truth. They intentionally obscured the truth to sell a version of the story that painted my friend as “the bad guy,” and themself as having moral high ground. It was never just the suicide attempt, it was never the reason why they felt suicide was an option - to which I can empathize and sympathize. But rather It was all the reasons why not to do such a thing where evident everywhere, and their neglect to all these reasons - including how deeply horrific and painful it was for those of us who care about them. It is also greatly because they never intended to succeed, they intended it as a cry for attention. To say this is inappropriate is a criminal understatement, lol. So when they made this statement, so easily, so quickly - I just... kind of stared at them. They clearly must think I know nothing. Either that or that I’m a fool. Either that or they are such a fool it hasn’t occurred to them that I would reasonably know the details of their relationship, being that I am their now-ex’s best friend and confidant.  So I just said that “unfortunately,” I had business law assignments due at the end of the night I had to attend to. I finished loading up the dishwasher and returned to my room. I let the interaction marinate in my mind.  Now, it’s crucial to know that person B knows next to nothing about me. Honestly, none of these people really know anything about me besides the fact that I am, in general, on the other end of a major break up and that I’m a mortuary sciences student. This is intentional, as I have extreme trust issues, and live by the saying “not my monkeys, not my circus,” and I apply this statement to and fro; you can’t have mine and I don’t want yours unless you are a part of my circus. And exceedingly few are truly a part of my circus. So person B doesn’t know anything I’ve been through, they don’t know how much I know - which is everything - and they don’t know just how far I’ve come. They don’t know that one of my favorite people was found nearly two weeks post mortem on the other end of a rope, that I was initially lied to about the event for social capital, or that the lie was preferable to the reality, or that the entire event sent me into legitimate psychosis and when I came out of it I was almost a completely different person. They don’t know that entirely isolated myself as a response or that I ended up in this town because I was running from that. They don’t know that I didn’t leave my house or speak to anyone - at all - for at least 6 months following discovering said lie. They don’t know that their ex is my best and only true friend and confidant here. They don’t know how nigh inextricably entwined my ex and I were and how devastating this entire process has been for me. I already had deeply affecting trust issues, and this has only impacted them, if not completely officiated a decision to entirely withdraw from other humans. I do not leave my room except to cook, clean the house or myself. They don’t know that I know the vast majority of the contents that make up the person who is their now-ex, and thus the vast a majority of their relationship. They don’t know that my mother used to beat me or that my father was never there to witness it until one day it boiled over and she had me pinned against a wall because she had figured out I was queer while she was in an ill-medicated induced state of psychosis. They don’t know that I struggle with violent intrusive thoughts to such an extent that I have to take medications for it. They don’t know I have a collection of medical equipment, medical textbooks, and a bowie knife in my room and that if they or anyone else were to overstep too much or I snap, I can make them disappear, and that have access to places that will ensure their disappearance is permanent - though such a thing is outlandish and unreasonable, the facts still stand all the same. They don’t know why I wish to engage with the dead, that I find the biological process fascinating and beautiful and the medical processes involved soothing and cathartic. They don’t know that I used to be just like them but worse. They don’t know that after being on both sides of the fence, I am forever painfully aware that surviving a loved one’s suicide is infinitely more painful than surviving your own. They don’t know that I know that if they knew that, they wouldn’t have pulled the suicide stunt, and if they are aware of this, that makes it exponentially worse. They don’t know that I’ve seen far too much I can never unsee, and that I now have no choice but to live with that. They don’t know that I’m ok with that, now, and I’m using the worst I’ve been through to create my best self and life. They can only see the visible aftermath all this left to forever mar my skin.  So yes, it’s an intentional choice to withhold my information from everyone. And in doing so, person B never realizes that I catch them red handed at every opportunity, and how much respect I’ve lost for them in a matter of weeks. That every time they try to manipulate my opinions, they not only fail but are rendering themself vulnerable and more visible to me. They don’t realize how much of them I can see with so little telling - they don’t realize that I know they can’t bare their pain being unknown, and that they know they are pathetic only just enough to lie about their personal situations and events to obscure their nature. They truly have no idea of anything occurring between us. It’s almost funny.

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that they truly have no idea that I was literally the worst person in existence to make such statements to lol. After sleeping on it, I’ve decided that while in turn I have closed myself off from them, and as much as I’d like to tell them off and force them to learn better that I cannot, but most of all it infuriates me to hear them talk about my friend - everyone’s friend - like that. I can’t change them, where they are in life, or their poor coping skills, but I can put enough fear into them to hopefully dissuade them from ever trying to spout such slanderous bullshit again. I will address it with them, I don’t entirely expect them to truly cognate what I tell them but I need to make it clear that if they ever fucking make such a statement in front of me, and lest there be others, I WILL embarrass them in front of everyone in the room. Fucking idiot 

#the actions of some people really do spawn a plethora of shakesspearian bullshit lol #but god last night i was ready fucking take them out of this world lolllllll #like they have no idea they even said or did anything wrong #like woof bitch #also yes i know i'm extremely normal lol #whats new lol