#that's the problem with being assigned flats and flatmates by her hah

[crowleyaj]

bad news: in the course of the last two weeks, flatmate went from slightly annoying, messy and irresponsible to an outright arsehole, especially at work

good news: I might be moving into a single flat very soon, possibly this weekend!!

#personal #sofi.txt #text #my boss/landlady just offered it to me last week when i said one (1) sentence about how he's difficult to live with #unlike the previous guy #that's the problem with being assigned flats and flatmates by her hah #but she likes me so she gave me a choice and i should be taking a look at it at the weekend #if it's ok i'll take it and move right in because. he's unbearable now #he's a lazy selfish fuck who constantly does a bad job at work #he's the reason we had a customer complaint yesterday for the first time in months if not years #and he steals from the shop several times a day every day by not paying for anything he takes ever #he also takes unofficial breaks and is on his phone in the back on the clock when his shift buddy is very busy out front #and at home he doesn't clean‚ steals cutlery‚ never watches anything with earphones and is on the phone every night #for hours #the walls are thin so i hear everything and can't sleep #i have told him that several times hhhh #well. let's hope the move works out #(by night i mean midnight to 4 am)

[pastcloudfromffvii]

im giving it a shot, though. i feel like a total asshole for not realising the freezer didnt shut last night, and i just spent a couple of hours singing with ladies from chorus i haven’t seen since like. october basically, and now im back in bed even though its only 5pm. whining under the cut because ehhhh ive already typed it up so i might as well post it. if you could flick it a like if you do bother reading under the cut i’d appreciate it just so i know.

im gonna. try write up a resume i think. i’ve never had a working one because i have literally 0 experience lmao. but data entry is what i’m good at, i’m a fast typer and i’m pretty good when it comes to accuracy when proofing stuff and whatever. now i just have to convince winz that i do, in fact, know myself better than they do and that data entry is not only what my skills are geared toward, but also possibly the only thing i’m currently capable of. im not capable of full time work rn either which is another wrench in the works, but honestly i could probably pull off an 8 hour day of data entry right off the bat. i know mindless deskwork is soul killing for a lot of people but autism makes it perfectly fine for me honestly.

my favourite thing to do at school was just sit there and write down everything on the board, and also copy everything out of text books. i didnt retain a damn fucking thing but hell if i didnt enjoy physically doing it, other than cramp in my writing hand. i know not all data entry is like this.

i dont remember when my next appointment with my psychiatrist is but i have a feeling zex is going to deal with that for me if i haven’t recovered. i often forget that chronic fatigue is a thing that i experience personally, even though i talk about it a lot. there’s having daily limited energy, and then there’s my current situation. 

i know not all systems fit The Typical Layout that you get on trauma support sites and the dsm n shit but like? they always list at least one alter being combative, insofar as that they will argue against psychs n shit that the system doesnt need help and it took me forever to figure out that if we are Assigning Official Roles, that one’s zex. and im lucky in that they generally agree with my psych at least on the basics. he talks over me very easily but zex doesn’t give enough of a shit to let doctors talk over them so. that’s nice. zex is actually the driving force in us trying to get better, because the rest of us either 1 are afraid of help 2 could literally give less of a shit 3 want help and to be independent to some degree at least but dont know how to go about it (that one’s me)

and then theres... the social worker situation, which i dont even have the energy to resolve. battling for more than half a year now to get her to call a therapist for me because we’ve been over time and time again why i cant call myself is exhausting. she’s still totally convinced that idk im just trying to get out of calling or something. she hasnt even bothered with the “why does it matter if the therapist can hear your thoughts over the phone if youre going to be discussing deep stuff with them anyway” which would be a poor argument in itself lmao. i just, im so tired. im tired of the medical system and i’m tired of the severe lack of staffing which causes me to go months and months without a psych appointment and. just. i’m tired.

i just want to be Better and Functional already. the medication helps and boy do i feel it when i miss it (to be fair it doesn’t get worse than i used to be when i miss it for like a week, it just gets as bad as it was before i was medicated and its a pretty good reminder hah) but. idk. idk where i’m going with this. im just a useless asshole with no inherent worth right now as far as my opinion is concerned and i want to fix that but lying in bed on a sunday evening instead of doing any of the myriad things i could be doing to make the flat a little nicer a place to be for my flatmates isn’t helping anyone. but i can’t do anything about that right this second. 

and i can’t just sleep off this mood either because sleep is ‘wasting time’ and i cant fucking sleep when i decide to anyway. i wish my social worker would stop telling me that going for walks will fix my insomnia because it really fucking wont. i get out and go walkies as often as i can, and it is really good for you but Physical Exercise is not the be all and end all of all psychological problems. physical exhaustion doesnt put me to sleep, mental exhaustion does. but i dont know what healthy mental exhaustion looks like.

#.rtf #long post #its not necessarily negative im just sick of myself right this minute #or more #right this fortnight