#that sounded dirty bwahaha

[magioftheseas]

Take It Like A Man!!

Summary: An alternate scene in which Nidai does It to Matsuda in Chapter 26 of Super Danganronpa 2: Matsuda Yasuke’s Battle of Despair and Wits.

Rating: T+

Warnings: It’s suggestive. Also blood that was in the original fic. There’s specifically a nosebleed.

Notes: Y’all should’ve seen this coming. I don’t know how Nidai became a secondary love interest in this AU but he is one so he’s gonna get his own gay af bonus scene with Matsuda. It’s only fair. Sorry, Owari.

Read this fic among others HERE

Main story is HERE

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“KATSUUUUU!!!”

Owari took off in a dash towards him. Her arms spread out and she propelled herself forward with a leap. Matsuda quickly side-stepped out of the way, and she smashed into the ground.

“Oogh! Urgh!” Owari spat out dirt and grass. She rubbed at her face, voice coming out as a nasal whine. “The hell did you dodge for?! Dirty coward!”

“No,” Nidai said, laughing as he walked up. “Pretty smart on Matsuda’s part! With his frame, he would’ve just crumbled under ya! This is why dodging can be just as effective as throwing a punch! Letting gravity do all the work! Gwahaha!”

Owari let out a groan of frustration. “It’s so cowardly!”

“Sorry if having self-preservation counts as being cowardly,” Matsuda retorted. “Even though pride doesn’t mean shit on death’s bed.” He pauses, noticing the dribble of dark red down Owari’s lip and dripping off her chin onto her shirt. He grimaced, realizing. “You’re bleeding. Come on.”

Owari blinked up at his hand. A grin split her face and before Matsuda was able to fully register the fucking awful mistake he just made—she snatched his wrist and yanked him down, trapping him with a headlock as she furiously rubbed her fist to his hair.

“Shouldn’t have let down your guard, Katsuuuuu!”

Nidai laughed heartily at the sight. Matsuda decided that next time—fucking next time, he was just going to let Owari bleed out and leave her for dead. Especially if she was going to bleed on him. On the clean lab coat he just fucking put on.

He furiously smacked her arm and it probably hurt him more than it hurt him. She dropped him and he unceremoniously smacked into her lap as she cackled. Nidai lifted him up by the scruff of his coat and settled him back on his feet.

“It’s nice that you two are getting along,” he said as he dusted Matsuda off, cheerfully and willfully oblivious to Matsuda boiling with unrestrained ire. “That said, Owari you should go with him to get your nose bandaged. It’s important to take care of your body.” Pausing, he seems to notice Matsuda’s stiff shoulders and moves to squeeze them. “And Matsuda, you should let me do it.”

“You’re gonna do it with him, too?!” Owari exclaimed. “I thought I was special, old man!”

“Matsuda clearly NEEDS it!” Nidai bellowed back. “Do not be so SELFIIIIIIISH!!”

Yeah. Sure. Matsuda thought, twitching. Scream right next to my fucking ear. God. This is why I hate jocks.

Unfortunately, he was now in a situation where fleeing wasn’t an option. Another reason why jocks were the worst. Too dumb for emotional manipulation, too unyielding for any physical backlash from a guy who skipped every gym class to bury his nose in medical texts. There was basically no way of dealing with them.

Matsuda sighed loudly.

“Right. Anyway.” He shuddered when Nidai squeezed his shoulders again. This time had more of a damned effect, proving the power of those strong hands. Damn that meathead. “I have—places to be. I’m going to the pharmacy so I can bandage up the rabid chick’s nose in the meantime if...” Another squeeze. Matsuda bit his tongue to muffle any responding groan before smacking Nidai’s hand. “Stop that! I... Urgh...”

Inventory is important... Inventory... Inventory...

 “Will you come back and let me do it?” Nidai asked with utmost seriousness. Hating himself for feeling his face get hot, Matsuda bit down harder on his tongue.

I did get some lotion from the MonoMono Machine...

He really did get all kinds of weird fucking items. Particularly the lotion in question with its tacky bottle and perverse branding. For rubbing aaaaaaaall over your bear body, upupupu. Something like that. He would’ve tossed it on that offense alone, but it was actually pretty high-quality lotion...

And wouldn’t it feel really nice?

“I guess...there are bandages in my cottage...” He ended up mumbling. “But I still gotta go to the pharmacy...”

“Bwahaha!” Nidai patted his back. “Then you’ll go after! For now... To your place, YEAH?! MATSUDAAAAA?!”

Owari was fuming at him, cheeks an impressive shade of red considering the blood still flowing from her nose.

“Yeah,” Matsuda croaked, electing to just ignore her. “My place.”

--

Well. They were in his cottage and he did get the first aid kit for Owari first thing, but—it was feeling a bit crowded. And he didn’t have a door for his bathroom. He shouldn’t give a damn, he really shouldn’t but...

“Owari, you don’t mind stepping out, right?” Nidai asked gruffly, cracking his knuckles. “The point of it is to get Matsuda to relax. It’d be better if we were alone.”

Owari sighed heavily, pinching her nose as she did.

“I gueeeeeeeeess.”

Still huffy, she still tossed them once last glare before heading to the door. She slammed the door shut hard enough to rattle the hinges. She almost fucking broke it.

Matsuda fumed next except Nidai clapped his hand down on his shoulder. He jumped, staring up stupidly at Nidai’s grinning face.

“Let’s get started. Now!” He bellowed, “STRIIIIIIIIIP!!!”

“She can still hear you,” Matsuda hissed, but he shed his coat anyway. Annoyance couldn’t compete with his resolve and now that he had Nidai in his cottage, he’d be fucking damned if he didn’t see it to the end. “Just don’t shout so fucking much. We can be professionals about this.”

Nidai chortled, but that fire in his gaze burned and burned as Matsuda undressed. Tie. Dress shirt. Pants. Nidai’s gaze swept his frame, but that was an inferno that Matsuda wasn’t going to get caught in right now.

Even if he still felt a little flustered about it as he went to lie down face first on the bed. Only in his underwear. He heard the rustling of Nidai taking off his own jacket.

“There’s lotion in my coat pocket,” Matsuda mumbled before he forgot. “It’s hard to miss. Shaped like a certain shitty bear.”

Nidai harrumphed but he dug out the lotion anyway. He inhaled sharply.

“Ah! This is GOOD stuff! Owari likes it a lot!” Nidai sounded very, very fucking pleased. “Alright, Matsuda! The road to a brand new world is gonna be SLICK!”

Brand new world, huh? He listened to the bottle being popped open. He felt goosebumps rise on his skin despite the temperature being the same as always. It wouldn’t be the first fucking time he was almost naked like this. Unfortunately, it was impossible to pretend that this was just like any physical.

“This your first time?” Nidai asked, and Matsuda doesn’t have to look to know he’s coming closer. He can hear it in those heavy steps. “Has anyone else ever had ya like this?”

It’s not helped by Nidai almost whispering for once. As if he had to be careful with the weight of each word.

“Don’t think so,” Matsuda grumbled. “I’ve just never really have the time.”

Why the fuck am I so embarrassed about this?

He tries not to flinch when the bed dipped significantly under Nidai’s weight. He forced himself to calm the fuck down when he felt Nidai’s smooth, slick hands on his back.

“No good,” Nidai growled. “You need to take time out for yourself.”

Nidai’s thumbs pressed hard into a knot just under his shoulder blades. Matsuda muffles a yelp and he wonders if he should grab a pillow or something—except that isn’t going to fucking work because his body needs to be straight and flat. Dammit.

Nidai worked down his spine and he was helpless. Each twinge was strange, but he still loosened under the ministrations, relaxing more and more. Sparks of pleasure had him groan in relief, and he wasn’t even bothered by the weird ‘ratatata’s being grumbled under Nidai’s breath.

“You like it, don’t you?” Nidai asked, voice low and husky. “Now you won’t be able to live without it.”

God, he’s so fucking ridiculous.

So much so that Matsuda can’t help but laugh.

“Do you have any idea how you fucking sound right now?” He almost chokes on a sudden purr when Nidai kneads his lower back. “Fuck, that feels really nice.”

Sometimes, he can’t help but be a hypocrite, sighing and humming in a way that was almost obscene. He felt himself quiver with a particularly deep press into his nape, and Nidai chuckled softly under his breath.

“That’s it. Feel the POWER of the Ultimate Masseur, NIDAI NEKOMARUUUUU!!!”

“Stop yelling, keep massaging,” Matsuda snapped. He sighed again when Nidai didn’t halt in rubbing down the knots in his shoulders. “Oh fuuuuck, that’s it...”

With each knot kneaded out, it was a lifetime of stress melting away. He could’ve dozed off like this and indeed, he did give in a little and for once in his life, he just—stopped—thinking.

After a while, his eyes fluttered open. Nidai’s hands weren’t on him anymore, but he still felt the other’s weight situated on the corner of the bed. Pushing himself up, Matsuda did in fact feel his body much easier to move. Looser, even. He stretched with a soft whine, and—there. A flinch. From the other party.

When he turned, Nidai flashed him with a broad grin.

“There’s still work to be done on your shoulders, but I didn’t want to disturb ya!” A hearty laugh, but one that seemed more breathless than before.

“You can keep going, then,” Matsuda said immediately and would’ve flopped back down had Nidai not pulled him back.

“Just like this is fine,” was muttered into his hair and those large hands gripped and squeezed his shoulders. In a more cranky state of mind, Matsuda would’ve groused about the sudden strangeness in the atmosphere.

But, Matsuda was feeling pretty compliant. It was clear now how Nidai managed to tame Owari. All Nidai had to do was press his thumb like so into the knot under Matsuda’s nape and Matsuda would jump off a fucking bridge for this.

For now, he just hummed in contentment as Nidai works his magic once more.

Until there’s another pause.

“Ahaha. Haha.” Did Nidai’s laugh sound a bit dry? “You said you had to go to the pharmacist, right?”

He had almost completely forgotten.

“Urgh.” Matsuda groaned as the reality of the situation settled right back in his head. Like a fucking infestation of cockroaches. “Fuck, right.”

“We can continue again later,” Nidai was saying. “Even if you’re not one of my athletes, you’re still...”

He trails off. Matsuda is too busy retrieving his clothes to comment on it, but he does notice the meathead coach’s sudden sheepishness.

He’s not...?

Nidai’s blush darkened when he glanced back.

The reality of the situation settled in. Nidai looked away.

...it’s nothing. It’s just the circumstances that are strange. Don’t—don’t be fucking stupid and look so deeply into something like...

He needed. To get his damn shoes.

But when he swings down to retrieve them, he realizes his door has been opened.

And Owari is fucking glaring at him from the crack.

“What the FUCK?!”

And maybe, just maybe, Matsuda was a little too fucking flustered after all. And maybe he flung his shoe a little too hard. Owari may have taken it like a champ, but like a fucking idiot, she took it to the fucking face. Right on the damn nose.

“You were taking so LONG!” she exclaimed, completely undeterred with her stained bandage. It’d have to be replaced, she was probably bleeding again. “I won’t have ya completely monopolizing the old man’s IT!”

Nidai broke into uproarious laughter and Matsuda cursed himself out for expecting things to play out any other stupid fucking way.

This really isn’t the place for it. So, don’t fucking think about it. If this was a story, it’d be a fucking horror, not a romance.

“Right,” he griped. “To the fucking pharmacy, then.”

He just needed to get dressed. It’d be like nothing ever happened. Nothing at all.

At least it was a lot easier to move now.

I’ll have to see that brand new day again. Preferably soon. And then... I don’t know, maybe things can be normal?

The events transpired as normal. As expected. Whatever.

(But, no, he never got the chance to experience it again. But if he knew it’d be the first and last time on these stupid fucking islands, it wouldn’t have changed a thing between him, Nidai, or even Owari for that matter.)

#sdr2 #nekomaru nidai #nidai nekomaru #yasuke matsuda #matsuda yasuke #Magi fics #protag matsun #MatsuDai

[narukoibito]

Daily ask! Strong enough (to let you in) and sight for sore eyes sound interesting!

@whiffingbooks​ ♥️

strong enough (to let you in)

This is my Ginny character study to go with my Hermione, Harry, and Ron character study. It’s inspired by “Eight” by Sleep at Last.

Ugh this song screams “Ginny” to me — I get emotional when I think about it. Her character study is about her experience with the diary, her trauma, how quickly she had to grow up, rebuilding herself, and, after everything, find the strength to be vulnerable again. 

Here’s a snippet:

God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago. / I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive, / And I grew up too quick.

She made it halfway through the dank Chamber before her legs buckled under her and she collapsed onto the cold, smooth floor, the diary tumbling beside her.

It was like a light was lit in her brain. 

She was going to die. She knew it with blinding clarity. It was almost soothing how true it was. It momentarily threw a fire blanket over the bursting panic and fear that screamed from her chest.

In the haziness, she saw Tom slowly blossom out of the diary. He stood above her, and even now, she couldn’t help but think of how beautiful and perfect he looked. That porcelain skin, unmarred by blotchy freckles, those long, fluttering lashes, that smile she once thought so open and guileless, now curved up with such devious pleasure.

“Ginny,” his soft voice cooed. As he spoke bright spots burst into her vision. “I’m here, just like you wanted.”

He was her friend. She trusted him. But the sobbing pleads died on her rapidly tiring lips because she knew (maybe has always known) better. She hadn’t known from the start because evil had always been such an obvious thing, loud, brass, violent. Now she knew what evil truly was.

Apathy. A cold, calculated cruelty.

She felt like choking, pain prickling behind her eyes, hating herself. Hating that she was nothing but a stupid little girl, with stupid dreams and fantasies, living in a make-believe world where someone cared about her. Someone wanted to be her friend, someone would be there for her. So stupid.

Dirty, her hands smudged with ink and blood.

Oof, oh Ginny... 

sight for sore eyes

Bwahaha this was my attempt at a crackfic based on this hilarious tiktok about the ridiculous romance trope of “oh you took your glasses off and now you’re beautiful” — but I was going to subvert it and have it be Harry, the nerd with his glasses, and when his glasses finally come off, there’s a oh shit you’re beautiful moment. 

And from there, I discovered that I am really awful at writing crack fics. Because, despite having hilarious texts about the idea with my beta, it instead blossomed into a full-fledged Highschool/Muggle AU, where Ginny is the popular jock; Harry, Ron, and Hermione the nerdy outcast trio; all the American high school tropes hahaha. And the backstory of when the trio thought they were really cool before high school, and Ron would exclude Ginny. She used to have a crush on Harry, and now she’s supposedly over it and popular and he’s SUPER nerdy and unpopular.

Hahaha, anyway, here is the snippet that was supposed to be hilarious, but then I had to write it, you know, all serious-like:

He heard her sharp intake of breath.

Even though everything was a blur, Harry looked up. Ginny was close enough that he could just make out her slightly hazy features. He felt heat build up in his chest — she was close enough that he could make out the light freckles on her face, the soft fullness of her slightly parted lips, the tiny freckle that blended into the pink of her lower lip. He swallowed hard, trying to fight the alluring pull of her flowery scent, and finally met her gaze and the inscrutable look on her face.

“Uh, shit, no, you have to keep these on,” Ginny said, her voice low and gravelly in a way that had the monster in his chest stirring in interest. Before he could register what she was saying, she was abruptly placing his glasses on his face.

“Ginny?” Harry fumbled to adjust his glasses so he could see her clearly. She had turned away, and a slight flush had crawled up her neck. “Are you okay?”

Had he done something wrong?

She cleared her throat loudly but kept her back to him. “Fine.”

*cackles* These two idiots.

*

God, I can’t believe I still have more WIPs. I’m too much. 

But feel free to send an ask for the WIP title game if you want to know more of the plot bunnies that reside in my head. 

#harry potter #ginny weasley #hinny #harry/ginny #wip title game #strong enough (to let you in) #sight for sore eyes #high school AU #oh the things I think #whiffingbooks #ask games

[afterthelastreset]

Rules of one’s soul

(this was partially inspired by @lykillofasgard  ‘s Nosuit fic Opposites Attract. Please go check out their writing and support this writer! I apologize if anything comes off too ooc or drawn out. It’s my first time trying to write something for Deltarune. All mentioned characters belongs to Toby Fox and co.)

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He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't be doing ANY of this. What would one think if they knew that the King's appointed Duke of Puzzles, caretaker of the prince, and master of law and order would be feeling absolutely weak in the presence of an insolent clown?! NO! He wasn't weak! Rouxls Kaard was anything but weak. He was just....uh..a little unprepared for the absolute madness of the knave when they first encountered. Yes. That's it! Not even the great Duke of Puzzles could get all first impressions right.  He wasn't sure of the strange feeling in his gut whenever his mind revolved around back to THAT night. The strength of those ghastly hands latching onto him and slamming him into the cold steel, near those sickly glowing eyes. The very thought of those things made him shudder and get a sick feeling in his stomach. In a way, he was more terrorfying than thy king. At least with him you could tell when the Spade was displeased in anyway, but there's no feeling behind a mad man's smile. So. The answer to recovery was to just avoid the place and do his best to push those thoughts deep down and try to distract himself. And for a while. It actually worked. He managed to busy himself by making an actual working piece of his work the king seemed pleased with. He called it, A Control Crown. Though it still could use some work as it only worked on more...um. Less smart beings of the realm. And the King's annoying worm(but much better company keeper) of a son had gotten himself into plenty of shenanigans the Duke had to fix or pull him out of. It had been maybe a few months since the incident and he rarely thought of any of that encounter. So all was well with the Duke of Puzzle. Thou the duke did experience a strange tugging or nagging feeling like he was missing something. Oh well. None of it mattered. At least. Not until that night. A storm had decided to make itself present that night much to the annoyance and fear of the guards. For it was tonight that the prisoner better who some had called Jevil -odd name if you asked him- once again decided now would be the right time to act up and strike fear into the poor guards in charge of the food supply to him. Which also meant none wanted to go down there. Which ultimately meant the duty would fall on the next upper person in charge. .....Which meant it was up to him. To settle things. And go down there. With that THING! He honestly almost threw up the mac and cheese Lancer and himself ate for lunch when he found out. But he was the Duke of Puzzles, appointed by the King himself. Law keeping was one of his best assets, which was why he was put in charge of these guards. So, with a heavy stomach and light head, he assured any listening he'd once again take care of the 'little worm' and put a stop to this all. Oh,if only he could have seen the familiar frozen grin plastered on his face at the moment. It only got worse when he stepped into the elevator and pushed the button to the unknown level. Once the doors closed, the Duke let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and immediately reached to clutch at the tufts of shiny snow white hair on his head.  "What the f*cketh have I done?!" He breathed between gasping breaths. He wasn't even sure how stupid he was at this point! Why didn't he just tell them to let the stupid prisoner go hungry just for tonight and not bother!? This was absolute madness. Like kicking a live bee nest to anger the pathetic insects- Bing! "HA!" The Duke let out a short high pitched squeak of fright from the doors reopening to reveal the beginnings of a staircase and darkness below. He hoped no one heard him. A high pitched series of laughter ruined that hope. "Oh, how fun,fun! A Duke of no suit has come once again, again to seek what he thinks he rules over!" He flinched when he faintly saw two glowing pinpricks from down below. "How interesting, interesting.~ Have you come to finally play, play?~" He stood there frozen at the sight of yellow eyes waiting for his answer. The feeling of that insolent's slimey tongue grazing his cheek and the feeling of complete helplessness came rushing back to him in a heart beat. Gathering what pride and dignity he had left, the Duke casually stood straight up and gave an annoyed look. He tried to invision himself talking to a rookie guard or Lancer whenever he had to explain something. He just had to remember. HE was the one in charge. Not some bumbling knave that couldn't even harm him from his prison all the way down below. "I-It has cometh to mine attention that thou art scaring the very guards that feed you!" He shouted down and waited for a response. But none came. The eyes didn't even blink. So he nervously licked his lips and continued. "If thou wishes to keep getting proper treatment from them in the future then thou needs to follow the rules set in place." Felling a little more confident. He decided to yell louder. He was in charge. Not him. He had no control over the situation. He made the rules. "Thou art getting on mine nerves and I do not wish to heareth about thine useless chatters or antics! I haveth no time to deal with thee any longer! I have more important matters to deal with than the rambles of an absolute mad man!! So keepest thine voice down and cease your useless shenanigans at once!!" His voice echoed throughout the silent prison as the yellow eyes continued their silent watching. Rouxls stared down at the lowlife a little longer before smiling. That was until the pinpricks disappeared as the crazy fool threw his head back in laughter at the stupid show he just witnessed. Rouxls felt his ears press to his sides and his stomach drop hard. This wasn't the reaction he had hoped. All too soon the eyes were back along with a mocking voice. "What a shame! What a shame! Thinking he could order the only one free, free in the whole kingdom!~ How amusing!~ How fun!! FUN!!~" Rouxls didn't like the change in tone of the deranged jester's voice. It almost sounded intrigued. And that's what scared him most. "I never had so much fun,fun with another pawn before! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Tell me Rouxls Kaard. If you are in charge, charge then why are you too afraid to play this little game, game of yours?~ Hmm."  The Duke didn't say anything at first. The heavy scent of fear consuming him and making his head spin. "I.....I shan't need to e-explain myself to the likes of you! I prefer not to waste mine valuable time on dealing with your insolent empty words. Thou can pretend with thine mind games all thee wishes but Rouxls Kaard is nay fool!" He pointed a hand at him. " For you see, I have thought of the possibility of thou using these games to trickest me into coming in range of your dastardly grip! But I shan't be fooled again so easily! For by me staying far from thine's hold then thou shall not have a open point to strike! Who's winning who's game now if thou never even got a chance to make his first move?!" "Yet, yet I'm not the one who's playing dirty.~ What fun is a game if one wins just because, because he cheats out of fear?~" "Hark thee little knave!!" He bellowed in absolute anger like he just threw dirt on his new suit. "What rules are laid down is followed and I shan't listen to you any longer!" He turned back towards the entrance to the elevator with a huff. The voice cooed in amusement. "BWAHAHA! A shame that the rules card is running like a defeated child,child at a game of checkers.~ My next visitor will be pleased, pleased to hear about the cowardly leader of a Duke that masters, masters over them!~" He froze. Did he just-...? No. He couldn't have just....But he did! Taking a breath, the duke world around to face the yellow eyes with anger.  "Thou insolent, foolish WORM!!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs. Making the jester laugh again as the duke began to march towards the stairs in complete anger that his authority would be tested by a common criminal. As he stomped his way down, he remembered to keep his distance with time when he reached the bottom. Now face to face with the clown behind the bars. Even with his limited vision, he could make out the jester's pleased smile on his face. "You DARE to threaten me with useless rumors of mine reputation?!" "Hehehe. Not a threat and not, not a rumor.~ Just facts straight and simple.~ But now that you're her, here-" The bells on him errily chimed as he tilted his head. "I find you're more fun, fun to play with.~ Tell me, tell me. Did you figure out the game, game we started last visit?" Rouxls huffed. "You mean that useless asult on mine person? BAH! I refused to even think about such things to do with the likes of thou, Jevil!" A sudden spark seemed to light up in the jester as his attention became a bit more...focused. "Ooh!~ So you learnt my name, name?~ BWAHAHA! Tell me, oh Duke of rules and puzzles. Have you any idea of what YOU have started with this game, game of ours you triggered? Are not the feelings and tugs at your very, very core not clues to this puzzle you can't seem to solve?~" The duke gave the madman a confused look at the nonsense he was spouting out of his mouth. Was this a battle of wits or riddles? If so he won either way. He didn't intend on ever coming back or giving this creature any more of his precious time after this. What was the point if he never made sense anyhow? "Was does thou even mean? This is nay puzzle! Tis a riddle of a mad fool that shan't ever be solved!" "Hmm. Perhaps. Perhaps. But tell me this Duke, and tell me true. True." A hand stuck itself out of the bars to point at him, making him flinch. "Did you not have a feeling of need,need or incompletion when you first left this place, place!? Is it now gone?! Replaced with the need to prove yourself! To, to the very person you can never win or lose against in this corrupted. CORRUPTED EMPIRE YOU CALL HOME, HOME!!"  It felt like the walls and darkness themselves were vibrating with the booming voice of the smaller floating man. Rouxls couldn't even bring himself to speak and Jevil's smile suddenly became knowing instead of amused. "THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REALLY PLAY A GAME!! GAME!! THAT MATCHES YOUR VERY OWN!! ROUXLS KAARD!! OUR FIRST MEETING, MEETING WAS NEVER OUR LAST!! THE VERY MOMENT WE MADE CONTACT, CONTACT IT SEALED US AND FATE INTERTWINED WITHIN MY FREEDOM, FREEDOM AND YOUR IMPRISONMENT!! THE BEING OF PERFECT ORDER AGAINST THE TRUE EMBODYMENT OF RAW CHAOS!! CHAOS!!" The last word felt like a wave of sound hit him and sent the duke stumbling forward a few steps almost falling to his face before he looked up at the absolute monster clutching the bars in absolute raw horror. "You....You're absolutely mad!!" Jevil chuckled again. "Maybe that's true. Maybe I am insane. Insane. But I am truly the only free, free person....But you know. It's gotten rather boring,boring and dare I saw lonely in my little freedom. Duke of puzzles. I haven't really, really felt like anyone but my old friend Seam could begin to make me this amused, amused." Maybe his insanity was rubbing off onto Rouxls but he could've sworn he saw Jevil's smile slipping a little. "I will always regret happened between us, us. But, it seems fate has directed you towards me, hmm?" "What?....I-I...I still haven't the faintest idea thou is sputtering out!" "Heh. You still don't get, get it do you, Rouxls?" He gave a hum and might have sounded like a disapproved parent if he wasn't still smiling though me. "Interesting, interesting. Tell me. Do you know the concept of soulmates?~" Silence. The frozen duke stared at the floating creature inside the cage as his brain tried to process this. Yes. He knew what a soulmate was. What an absolutely stupid question. Everyone knows a soulmate is the one person in life you feel compelled towards. Like finally putting the final missing piece of a puzzle together-.....Wait. Wait a minute. The realization must've reflected in his eyes because Jevil's smile became more soft if that was even possible for a mad man.  ".....No...NO! Nononononononono! NO!!" He hands flew up to clutch his head. The floor felt like it was consuming him with how much his body fell forward to it's knees. "NO! NO! THOU TIS LYING!! MORE MIND GAMES!!" He shouted desperately at the jester who just smiled warmly back, like he was a dear old friend stopping by to grab a chat. His eyes searched for any indicators of mind games or a sick joke. "I...I can't anything to you but a toy for your amusement! Let alone thou's s-soul....IT"S NOT TRUE! I SHAN'T HEAR OF IT!! LIES!! ALL OF IT LIES-AH!!" The same strength pressed him against the same bars. And the once proud duke whimpered like a dog when facing the same eyes from his nightmares. "Naïve, naïve little duke." His voice was like he was trying to comfort a child and Rouxls let out a whimper when a clawed hand cupped his chin. His face was closer now. Why wasn't his body reacting!? He could feel the hot breath of the jester before he spoke next. "One cannot deny the rules, rules set down by fate now. Can you?~ We balance and do our dance, dance like chest pieces on a bourd. One never belonging to a suit, suit or getting the upper hand. But...we never lose, lose either.~" The contact was warm, heated and made the duke feel a sudden rush of strange belonging filled with another stronger feeling of throwing up. Both feelings intensified when the crazy jester slightly loosened his grip on the frozen man's shoulder when something that felt strangely similar to a rope wrapped around his torso. Jevil didn't notice the white shiny liquid beginning to sting the duke's eyes or the sudden swing until something came impacting into his face. The force sending the smaller man a few feet away to the ground with a loud "OH!". Instantly when the contact was broken the duke threw himself back onto his rear and shuffled back towards the stairs. Gagging and clutching at his chest. Trying his dammed hardest not to give in to the urge to puke. A slight pain throbbed in his hand from where it struck the jester.  He coughed and sputtered while taking gulps of air through his mouth to help control himself. A small silence went by before the duke shakily looked at the direction of the man who had once again violated his personal being. At first he thought he was imagining it through the tears or the rushed feelings spiked through him, but no. Jevil was standing there instead of floating. One hand clutching the bars while the other cupped the cheek he guess he must've hit. A look of pure shock on the jester's face. Of the ounce proud man now reduced to a shaking crying mess.  Neither said anything for a moment before jevil spoke. "You're....crying. Crying?" He blinked and removed the hand from his cheek to inspect it. Like the answers were written on his palm. "You...hit me, me?" "WELL WHAT DID THOU EXPECT YOU GOD DAMMED FOOL!?!?" Both flinched at the sudden raged tone that seemed to rush out of him. Jevil more than him. But the angry feelings overtook any other rational thoughts. "DID THOU SERIOUSLY THINK UP THIS WHOLE CRAZY DELUSIONAL F-FANTASY OF ROMANCE TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR PATHETIC TRAGETY STORY LIKEST SOME SICK NOVEL WRITTEN BY A COMMONER!?!?"  Jevil stared long and hard before an annoyed expression came over him. "Fantasy, fantasy?.....DELUSIONAL TO MY OWN FEELINGS!?" He growled and gripped the bars of his caged prison. "YOU DARE SIT THERE, THERE AND CALL ME, ME A FOOL FOR RECONGNIZING THE PLAIN TRUTH WHEN NO ONE ELSE DOES, DOES?!" This time it was the duke's turn to give a dry laugh. "HA! YOU CALL WHAT JUST HAPPENED A TRUEST EVENT!? AND YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THOU'S GESTURE LIKE A NORMAL DARKNER'S?!" Jevil's face immediately dropped. Rouxls sat there as both heavily breathed from the events. Before the duke slowly stood up onto wobbly legs. "E-Even...if I did think thou's affections were true, what reason would I have t-to accept or believe when the person who gives it is a prisoner? Seam was in his righteth mind to exit this madness when he did-" A low growl directed him back to the now angry jester. Anger was a new expression for him but right now he didn't care. Rouxls felt sick, covered in sweaty slime and tears, and equally angry.  ''Don't bring Seam, Seam into this." "Or what!? Thou'll attack me with more unwanted affection! This isn't exactly a splendid walk in the dungeon foreth me!" The imp let out another growl before pointing another clawed hand at him. "You cannot, cannot tell me you can't feel-" "I DON'T!!" The loud voice of the duke echoed throughout the entirety of the prison cell. Silencing anymore rambling from either end. "I tire of these useless antics a-and....AND I HAVETH ENOUGTH ON MINE PLATE AS TIS IS!!" He pointed a hand at him. "I SHAN'T EVER RETURN TO DEAL WITH THOU'S ANTICS AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS MORE THAN THE ONE WHO TOILS WITH MINE EMOTIONS!! GOOD MORROW, WORM!!" He turned and began stomping his way back up the stairs towards the open doors of the elevator. Ignoring the sudden expression on the imp's face. "W-What?....ROUXLS!! You can't leave a game unfinished once you start to play, play!! It hasn't even finished!...R-Rouxls? Y-You can't forfit this game, game.....Not when I-...COME BACK, BACK!!" He paid the creature no mind while he continued climbing up the stairs-...Which was a mistake. An animalistic shriek pierced the air louder than anything he ever heard from the king. A shudder ran up his spine and only one thought shot through his head. RUN! He sprinted towards the exit up ahead. Almost tripping over his own two feet a couple times in his panicked haste to get out. Something whizzed by his head and embeaded itself into the wall above his form as more began whizzing past him. The animalistic screaming still present. One of the thing grazed his shoulder causing him to yelp in pain as a cut instantly formed. He ran into the elevator and practically spammed the up button as more of those sharp objects continued to fly around him. The doors slowly closed. Muffling the shrieking and little metallic thuds. Slowly, the elevator began to steadily rise leaving the noise behind him.  Unable to withstand the wild roller coaster of emotions moving through him, Rouxls collapsed against the side of the elevator as it continued to rise. His body shook uncontrollably as he was finally able to take a look at the things that were flung at him.....Hearts. These things were all hearts. He choked.  The once proud Duke of Puzzles reduced himself to a sobbing crying mess as the elevator continued to rise.

#Nosit #writing #deltarune #Jevil #rouxls kaard

[cerastes]

Life’s about to get kinda busy, so I’m just writing shit here to get it in order in my head and because, as usual, if it can help or steer someone, all the better. Nothing negative (on the contrary), but still under a Read More so as to not give you a faceful of What Is This, and because maybe some stuff gets a bit heavy.

February was quite atrocious. It’s the first and only time in years that I have a really, really strong relapse, strong enough that I cut my internet off for a few days out of fear of saying something stupid in what was a very unstable period for me, as well as to not overshare. It was bad enough that I resorted to some old coping mechanisms I hoped I’d never have to rely on again, such as spending some seven or so hours walking back forth the hallway of my apartment in complete darkness while just thinking about solutions to problems and doing dumbbell sets. I used to do this quite a bit back in the ol’ depressive suicidal days since it kept my mind busy and it would tire me out so I could go and sleep, but thankfully it only happened once now. When I say “relapse” now, it wasn’t anything suicidal, by the by, just, in this state of immense stress, so don’t worry.

I should be sad about this, and in a way, I am, but the joy more or less overshadows it: I disowned my father. It had to be done. I gave him a lot of chances, I tried my damn hardest so we could get along well, psyched myself up for it so very hard, but in the end, if you pull the toad from muddy water, put it in a pristine pond, and it jumps back into the muddy water, well, whatcha gonna do. Throughout the end of January to the end of February, we had some very severe fights, one of which escalated into a physical confrontation, and since he simply refuses to change and, well, is still the same son of a bitch that made my life so damn miserable that I grabbed my shit and left home when I was 19, it made me very sad, but I had to admit it once and for all: I have no father. Never did. As much as I wanted to believe I had one or could even have one, if we tried hard enough, it really was just wishful thinking. It made me very sad.

But it also was liberating. It was very liberating because no one can say I didn’t try. I tried oh so god damn hard, and it might have been “pointless” from a results point of view, but it definitely wasn’t pointless, overall, because I tried, I didn’t just give up, and that’s all I needed. I can go on for the rest of my life knowing I didn’t give up on it, that I didn’t run away, and that while I failed, it really was beyond me (it takes both sides to accomplish something, after all). A father that threatens his son with a knife is no father at all. That happened many years ago, and it almost happened in February again, but this time, I didn’t give him a chance to get close to the knife rack in the kitchen, oh, no, not again. Hit him right in the chest and away from the kitchen door. Took one warning to dissuade him. I’m bigger and stronger than him, and most importantly, no longer afraid. I made it clear that if he tried to approach the kitchen again, I would not stop until he had lost consciousness. Told him to get out. Never felt such a curious combination of sorrow and pride, to be honest. But look, the reason I am putting this here is that you really cannot live in fear. Not everyone has the same circumstances and options, but if it’s possible for you, and you have someone in your life who is to you what my father was to me, do put a stop to it. Resort to threats of violence, if you really must, to guarantee your safety. If it’s not possible, then try to make it possible in the future, if that’s an option. Pave the way. For me, it was living by myself for years and cutting ties with my family, growing independent and growing as a person through my suicidal depression. For you, it’s gonna be whatever your context demands of you. Don’t give up, please. Don’t let a fucked up family or whatever ruin the future you that could be be happy. Don’t deny your potential happiness.

Well, after that, it was some pretty hard days. He may be a filthy son of a bitch and a piece of shit whose death will be good news when it happens, but he’s still the figure of a ‘father’, and well, it’s hard mourning that. I didn’t really care about the individual as much as the figure in itself, the role, if you will. I wanted a father, but shit, sometimes shit doesn’t pan out, and to try for any longer than I already had was inviting disaster. Half a decade is enough time. I’m 26 years old, turning 27 this year, I can’t spare any more of my time on a bastard that will keep hurting me, so I decided not to. I wish I could say “simple as that”, but well, it’s not ‘simple as that’, bwahaha. I’ll think about him nowadays and get really upset, really angry, really resentful. Sometimes it even ruins my day and I gotta step away from things a little to catch myself. I’ll think about all I endured and that I thought “I am such a bitch for not being able to endure this...”, because that’s how you think when you are on that Depress Express: It’s your fault somehow, and you’re just weak and immature. One of the biggest steps towards my recovery from depression was, and this is gonna sound weird, that I had been done dirty. You have to admit and acknowledge that it’s not you, it’s really others that did you fucking dirty, that you were treated unfairly, that your frustration and sadness are valid, not just you being dumb. I kinda hate the “you’re valid” joke because it rather makes a mockery of a really important word and concept here. Your utter sorrow is valid. I’m not saying you gotta blame things onto others entirely, just, you gotta learn to accept that some stuff really was out of your power, and that you aren’t dumb for thinking otherwise. This more or less was that for me, again: I realized I’d never really have a father. Sucks, but that’s it. I’m still coming to terms with it, but my life really has been richer since the end of February.

After disowning the ol’ fuckhead, I called my mom and my best friend, and, well, did something I think I owed myself: I came clean to them about my depression and my suicidal tendencies. Told them everything. I never had told this to anyone outside the internet, because honestly, I was afraid I was just gonna be shut down with “no you weren’t, you’re lying”, another of the many scars left by the living failure that never was my father (he’d never believe anything I said, verbally demeaning me and telling me to stop lying or exaggerating; if I ever was awkward with any of you by trying to prove or back up anything I said, even something small, well, here’s why I have that habit). It’s silly, now that I write it, but to my surprise, they believed me. My mother was pretty distraught, and apologized over and over (she too had part in the mess that was my childhood, albeit in a very minor was compared to everything else, and in her case, it really was well-meaning, plus, she’s apologized for it) for not noticing and for other things, whereas my best friend cried as I was telling him and, well, that fucked me up because here I had two people that cared so much for me that they would even show it this way. At no point they doubted me or told me I was being a bitch or exaggerated or lying, they took it and believed it without contest or question, and I really, legitimately didn’t expect that. It also was a huge, huge load off of my chest, because, well, I really just wanted to be able to fucking tell someone about that really hard period of my life in which I really just had myself. During those years, I had cut all contact with everyone. Friends, family, just everyone. When I did reestablish contact with people, I was not out of it all yet, but I was functional. Like, I had regained my sense of hygiene, I had sold my gun so I wouldn’t kill myself (I sold it because I loaded it and pointed it at my head twice with the intent to end it; thankfully, I never followed through, but I couldn’t risk it a third time), I had energy to get out of my room and do shit without having to juice myself up on alcohol, etc. They never did see me at my worst, and in both cases, they did want to know about what happened with me during those years in which I outright disappeared. It’s awkward to write about that here because this is entirely from he PoV of someone who, well, vanished for some years, haha. Well, whatever. 

Point is, it was a very healing experience. I felt light as a feather afterwards. Not only did I manage to come clean about that, the people I told it to believed me. I didn’t know how much I needed that. With this, I am trying to say that, if you believe you need to have your suffering acknowledged, go and talk about it to whoever it is you want to share it with. A parent or a best friend, I don’t know, you know who your special someone is, and believe me, they want to know about this, it’s not a drag for them. Because they care about you. Mind you, there’s a difference between only exclusively talking about your pain and suffering 24/7 (no one deserves to be saddled with that shit) and making a special occasion in which you can tell them about this. Take a whole day to do so if you need to, see? Again, I didn’t know I needed this, I just ended up coming clean to them because I just needed to get it off my chest years after the fact, on top of the whole disowning thing, and it helped more than I could’ve imagined. This is my experience, at least.

I also told them of the whole knife situation with my father years ago, something I also really wanted to just stop keeping a secret, which helped a lot.

Mom’s also grown. She understands and respects my hermit tendencies now, and she made it explicit that she does, which has its worth in gold for me. She realizes she’s guilty for that one, and not to be a “Told You So” guy, but well, now that entire family is fragmented to shit. I don’t wanna get into details of that particular mess, but know that I have three half brothers, two step brothers, and one step sister, a countless amount of cousins, uncles, and aunts, and man, that side of the family is just a fucking mess. Just a hot pile of shit. My own mother is kinda a hermit now, ironically, haha. She realized just how rife with drama and deceit over money it all was, and has taken some distance. She also finally understands that her last ex-husband was a fucking idiot, and more importantly, that she was a fucking idiot for keeping around a freeloader and his three kids for so many years, paying it all out of her pocket and ruining her health. She’s told me I am free to visit and all, but well, I can’t just change overnight, nor do I want to change too much in that aspect: I never really was loved much in the family due to being my father’s kid, and after I had enough, I openly antagonized the family since I wasn’t gonna take that lying down. My mom and an aunt are the only exception, but aside from them, that entire burning ship can keep sinking, I want none of it. Hearing my mom say “yeah, you were right, this family fucking sucks lmao” felt really good.

I’m pleased with how far I’ve come, really, and that’s another important point here: You gotta be good to yourself, recognize your growth, and celebrate your victories. Because no one else will. You’re on your own, and if you don’t give yourself that love or kindness, well, who will? And you deserve it. You may not believe me right now, but trust me, you deserve it. You really, really deserve to be able to look at the mirror and not see a disappointment. You really fucking do, believe me. I’ve gone from suicide waiting to happen to working on getting my Magister’s degree. I’ve gone from getting shitfaced daily to having the charisma to influence others. It feels good as fuck, man! You also do this. Start little, aim for little goals, like “showering” or “eating” (if this sounds like a joke, it isn’t; I understand that even these things are immensely difficult when you are depressive, I’ve been there), and then think about how you’ve progressed. You went from having bad hygiene to showering daily. You went from spending all day in bed to getting some food in. Fucking good on you, I personally congratulate you. Today, it’s a shower and a sandwich. Tomorrow, it’s a job and a hobby. The day after, it’s the reflection in your mirror and how proud you are of the person in there and you don’t cry every day anymore. Shine, diamond. You fucking deserve it.

Ever since coming clean about these things and disowning that piece of shit, honestly, my life’s improved. My life’s been good the last three years! I’ve had fun. I’ve matured a lot, I’ve grown a lot. I still have much to learn, absolutely, but I am happy that I’ve learned what I have so far. I’m in that Cloud Nine Freight Train now, I dropped all the tickets to the Depress Express, ‘cause I don’t wanna be in that train anymore. Getting over depression is never as easy as “think positive :)” haha, man, I wish it was, but, but! Thinking positive is a good start. A small step, but a good one, because from thinking positive, you got to acting positive, and living positive, and so on until the depresso days are gone, in the past, and are a thing you write lengthy Read Mores about with the hope of helping others get through their own depressive periods.

You never stop growing. Years ago, I thought I had it all figured out: Just cut people off if they are a negative for you. I thought I had learned a lesson, see? Because I used to be extremely forgiving, and it bit me in the ass, so I figured, do the opposite! Well, that was dumb as shit, too. You can’t do that, either, because then you just burn bridges eternally for the littlest shit, when real maturity is being able to look for options first before taking drastic measures. Balance is important. Don’t go black or white. Correct answers usually lie in the grey or gray. Moderation and all that. I’ve reached out to people I felt I unjustly cut out, for instance. With some, we speak again. With others, we simply buried the hatchet and decided to go in different directions. Of course, there were people who deserved getting cut off, so I haven’t bothered talking to those, nor I think I will, but those, in a way, serve as a good reference point as to what is “tolerable” and “actually actively malicious”. This paragraph is in reference to those posts I see sometimes that are like “if someone is a negative influence, cut them OUT of your life!” I used to be that way and I regret it because I’ve come to realize, especially lately due to something that happened not long ago and the other person’s completely understandable reaction in front of the situation, that it’s something that has planted the seeds of doubt and paranoia in older friends of mine. I’ve no one to blame but myself for those seeds. Actions speak louder than words, so I want to show accordingly that I am not like that anymore. It’s true that negative aspects ought to be cut off of your life, but do understand that you need to have good judgment and not do it just like so. Talk to the other person, let them know that they are being toxic, and tell them you want this to change because you want to remain friends but you can’t with them like this. Of the people I’ve cut off completely years ago, as I said before, with some I talk again, with some, I don’t, and others that I feel truly wronged me, I didn’t even try to contact them again. Well, even thought there’s a group I didn’t even contact again, I still regret not having let them know I was parting ways with them or that they were being dicks to me. Were they wronging me? Absolutely. Do I want to forgive them? No. But that doesn’t mean just cutting them off with no prior notice or even a chance for contact was right in the slightest. I regret that. I don’t want to talk to them again, but I do wish I had talked to them prior, because it’s only human decency. Talk to the other person, please. It’s only fair to them and to yourself. If you must cut them off after, or if it’s talking to them specifically with the intention of cutting them off, talk to them nonetheless. Communicate. You never know what might happen, and even if you have to cut them off, at least you did it the right way.

That’s all I have to say. If you can take something from this, then mission complete. Especially so with anyone depressive and/or suicidal that might be reading this, I hope it helps you in some way. Look at me. You can get out of it. You can beat depression. You can enjoy life again, or start enjoying it at all. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, and every great achievement start with the small steps. Take the steps. You’ll be glad you did. Remember that you always keep growing, so set objectives to keep an eye on this growth. For example, right now my current objectives are to be less of a hermit, to show my writing in public again, and to embark in creative endeavors with others. Objective three, if you notice, directly correlates to the first and second objectives. Set goals and work towards them, and make them realistic, bucko. No need to aim for a Nobel Prize right off the bat.

You have this shit in the bag. Best of luck!

#I'll delete this tomorrow #not out of like regret or anything #simply because it's just something to read and then act upon #don't want it lingering because I don't want YOU lingering #ya gotta move!