Petals Spill From Lips (Your Stain Upon my Heart)
Well, this post just took hold of me and wouldn't let go. - https://www.tumblr.com/wantonlywindswept/742887323554988032/fox-hanahaki-fic-idea-that-lives-in-my-head-rent?source=share
Original idea credit to @wantonlywindswept
Here, have nearly 4000 words of Fox angst and fix-it I wasn't expecting to write tonight. I hope it does the original concept justice and many thanksto Wantonlywindswept for sharing the brilliant idea in the first place.
Summary: Fox spills petals from his lips and wears the colours of his love across his chest. He can't let anyone know, even as the roots tangle in his lungs and steal his breath.
CW: graphic descriptions of choking/vomiting, implied rape, implied fanon-typical violence towards Corries, Fox-whump.
Starts under the cut because it gets right in there with the content warnings.
Fox vomits petals and blood. Horrible, clotted masses of delicate flowers and lung tissue. He splutters, choking, then coughs violently, forcing the last of it out of his throat.
He gets up, goes to the cupboard on shaky legs, and grabs a cloth. He’d managed to get the majority of it in the bin this time, but there’s still spatters of it that somehow managed to get on the floor. His breath rasps, and he’s pretty sure there’s still petals in his chest.
He cleans the mess tiredly, occassionally stopping to cough up a stray petal. Vormur, he notes absently. Of course it’d be Vormur. His mind hasn’t left Wolffe since the Malevolence incident.
What a small word for such a big thing.
He pulls together the bag he’d placed in the bin, and wipes over his mouth and chin before pulling his helmet on. With firmer steps, he walks out of his office and down to the chute for rubbish, disposing of the evidence of his weak heart.
He returns to the office after, pulling off his helmet and leaning back in his chair with a sigh. Then he gets back to work.
-------
It hadn’t started like this. When they were on Kamino, this had never happened. He’d held his brothers in the night, watched over them in the day. He’d shown his love in his actions, and they’d reached back for him with quiet joy in their eyes.
It began a month into Coruscant. Into being the Marshall Commander of the Guard. He’d been brutally, thoroughly introduced to the cruelty of the Senate and a city that saw them as nothing but meatdroids, and his brothers had been dying on the frontlines. He’d been reading a battle report from Bly’s battalion, Bly’s words frank and clinical, but Fox could feel the pain in the way he repeated the casualty numbers; the way he emphasised the lack of accurate intel. He’d curled over the datapad, shaking with his desperate desire to be there, to hold Bly’s head against his neck and keep him safe for a while.
The feeling had swelled in his chest, brushing against his lungs and heart, and then flowed up his throat and burst from his mouth.
Candlewicks. Beautiful, round flowers, glowing gently golden.
He had, in all honesty, freaked the kriff out. Had cough and spluttered, stuck fingers into his mouth trying to figure out where they’d come from, how he’d coughed up flowers. Of all things. They weren’t exactly something the Guard came into contact with very often. He only knew about them because Senator Organa, one of the few kind Senators thus far, had shown him some he kept in a small planter in his room. It’d been the middle of a night shift, the Senator working far later than most of the others would bother, and he’d spotted Fox on his way back from getting more caf. The man had excitedly told him to watch, and Fox had looked on in wonder as they bloomed, spreading wide with soft light.
He did not look on in wonder that time. Had quickly scooped up the blooms and shoved them in a drawer, then sat at his desk and, admittedly quite frantically, searched the holonet for anything like it.
It hadn’t actually taken as long as he’d expected to find out. Hanahaki syndrome. Developed in very emotional people. Began as simple petals and flowers, but if allowed to take root, could strangle the lungs and cause bleeding, shortness of breath, and eventually, death.
He’d scoffed at first, thinking it was impossible. How ridiculous, flowers growing in a person’s chest! It made no sense! Reportedly the petals and flower changed based on what emotions the sufferer was having for which person, but all usually symbolised some form of love or care. It simply made no sense!
Even if he was determinedly avoiding the evidence sat in his desk.
He’d set it aside. Told himself it was a one-time, freak event. That it’d never happen again.
It did, of course, happen again.
The second time had been when Rex had left Cody’s battalion to captain the 501st under General Skywalker. Fine grey hairs had already started threading their way through the sides of Fox’s hair by then. He lived on a diet of caffeine and stress, eating only when the other commanders thrust ration bars into his hands, sleeping only when he knew every one of his Guard were safe.
Or, when he passed out face down in a pile of datapads.
He’d been on the comm with Rex and Cody, Rex looking determined, if a little nervous. He’d been holding a helmet that had previously born the 212th’s gold paint, and now was decorated in blue. Fordo had bestowed him with Jaig eyes after his actions in the battle that had gotten him promoted, and they were proudly displayed on his helm. Fox had swallowed down pride and fear, so, so, pleased for Rex.
But he’d seen the reports on Skywalker’s actions and behaviour. The man was reckless, dangerous. It worked out, usually, but Skywalker had the Force, and a clear lack of concern for his own safety.
Rex was too similar to him at times. Too willing to throw himself at the enemy in order to win. He was an excellent strategist, but he enjoyed the thrill of adrenaline a little too much.
Fox came off the comm call and tried to breath deep, the image of Rex’s broken body insribing itself behind his eyelids. That blonde hair stained dark red with blood.
He bent over as the urge to scream no, to call him back clambered up his throat, and suddenly blue blossoms were swirling from his lips.
He coughed and they flew forth, gentle and delicate and oh so bright against the dreary grey of his office walls. They spilled from his chest, the painful feeling near his heart easing as they fluttered to the ground.
At first he’d just stared. The galaxy had betrayed him. It’d happened again. Once was a coincidence. Twice was...
Was.
Shaking, he’d gathered them up in his hands. Hadn’t been able to hold them all at once. How they’d fit in his chest he had no idea; they seemed to just keep going. These beautiful, 501st blue petals that danced between his fingers.
He’d thrown them out the window in a fit of pique. Watched them flutter and twirl down, bright spots of colour in the smog.
The datapad had come back out. Apparently, the disease was linked to the Force. Sufferers usually had a degree of Force sensitivity, even if they weren’t actually aware of it. There was a lot of mysticism to it, but there were recorded cases, with holos and medical reports to support them.
Fox couldn’t be Force-sensitive. The Kaminoans had ensured that. There was no way it could have been missed, with all the blood tests and checks.
He needed to keep this to himself. If the Kaminoans found out, he’d be decommissioned. They all knew tubies who’d been found to exhibit the Force had had their tubes turned off.
Fox was the line of defence between the Senators and his siblings. He could not be found out and removed. It’d fall to Thorn after him, and he would not do that to them.
So Fox had carried on. When he’d choked up Gargrell flowers in the fresher on Cody’s visit he’d flushed them away. When Gree had been denied shore leave again, too cembroiled in a siege to be pulled away, he’d spluttered through entire Duran feather-lilies, catching against his teeth and forcing him to pull them from between his lips.
He’d potted those. Had one at his window. The others he’d gifted to Gree, who’d smiled delightedly and pulled him in with one arm for a hug.
He’d had to make a quick dive for a discrete corner after Gree had left. The new lilies had joined the one in his window, carefully nurtured and whispered to when Coruscant felt particularly cruel.
All the while, his body showed other signs of his love.
Purple, blue and black painted their way across his ribs in riotous splotches of colour. Red, red blood decorated his legs. Ashen grey spread over his cheeks. Silver white at the crown of his head.
He choked up Hai-ka flowers near daily. Beautiful, soft, orange blooms that whispered of death and pain. He took them into himself so his siblings didn’t suffer too. When he failed, when one his Guard returned broken and scarred, or simply didn’t return at all, he wept with flurries of Uneti blossoms, their sweet scent turning cloying and rotten in his despair.
Somehow, somehow he kept them all to himself. He learned the signs. When his chest tightened, and his heart beat louder, wisps of something brushing against his insides, he found an excuse to leave the room. He learned the placement of all the rubbish chutes, discovered which windows opened and which didn’t. He learned the best way to crush them between his fingers, mushing petals into sticky masses he could dispose of more easily, or squeeze into a pouch on his belt to hide.
He got a reputation for always smelling lovely. Stone had teased him a few times, then asked where he even managed to get the fragrance from. It certainly wasn’t standard issue.
Fox had blithely told him he had no idea what Stone was talking about, and refused to respond to any of his following prods. Eventually, they’d stopped asking, accepted it was just one more of those mysteries of Fox.
It helped that they loved him in return.
Sometimes he shattered under the pressure, bent under the strain. Thorn always knew. To this day, Fox doesn’t know how. But when it was at it’s worst, Thorn would be there. Would take Fox’s face into his hands, would kiss his battered cheeks, the strange wrinkles already forming between his eyebrows, and pull him away. He’d find a pile of their siblings, who’d reach out to Fox with welcoming hands, guiding him into the middle and curling up around him.
They never spoke of him shaking between them, raging and crying in turn, cracking at the seams and bursting out of his skin. Every member of the guard had sat with Fox like this, held him until he could start putting himself back together again. They’d shelter him while he scraped himself raw, digging out all the anger and pain.
When he was empty, they’d whisper their gratitude, their admiration and love. He’d fill himself again with the support of his siblings. And when he was finally full again, when the seams started closing back up, Thorn would join him, and sing to him until he fell asleep.
He always spent the next day with petals falling from his lips.
------
The first time the Chancellor struck him with lightning was when it changed. He’d woken up on the floor of the Chancellor’s office, blackened ash spread across the ground beside his mouth. His lungs had burned, and he’d hoarsely rasped, hacking coughs bringing up fragments of burned petals and stems.
The Chancellor had been stood above him, watching with avaricious eyes. He’d taken Fox’s face into his hands, swept aside Fox’s arms as he tried to struggle, and pushed his fingers into his throat.
Fox had cried, choking and desperate, as something cold and agonising had curled inside his chest. The Chancellor had laughed, cruel joy on his face, and told Fox he was a miracle. Had wondered if there was any chance this defect could be found in his siblings. Had told him it spread by sharing those feelings and the depth of them with others.
Fox had promised himself then to never let them get close enough to find out. He’d sworn to himself to keep them from the Senate, away from this hell. Even as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, vision swimming with grey.
The Chancellor had chuckled, and pulled his fingers from his throat. Between them, he held a beautiful, delicate flame-rose.
He’d looked Fox in the eyes as fire consumed it.
-------
He stopped answering his batchmates comms. Only answered when he knew it was business rather than pleasure. Wouldn’t meet with them when they were on planet. They were confused, sending him gentle messages in the case of Bly, or demanding curses, in the case of Wolffe.
He didn’t open them. Left them unread on his comm, blinking notifications at him. He collected them to hold to his heart, when he felt the gaping loneliness. Read the previews over and over again in between bandaging his wounds and sliding to his knees for one more disgusting Senator.
He avoided Thorn as well. When he felt his skin getting too tight, the ever-present pain in his chest growing, would find somewhere to be, some work to do. He could feel Thorn watching him. Along with all the other Guard members. They reached for him in the hallways, turned to him in the offices, left him ration bars and small trinkets they’d managed to find at his door.
Cody tried to ambush him in the barracks, but by that time he’d already instituted the rules to prevent outsiders from getting in, trying to conceal the guard’s carefully painted walls and closely-kept individuality from those who’d use it against them. Thorn had berated the Guard who’d soundly refused to let Cody enter, made it clear that was intended for nat-borns, not siblings, but Fox had already been made aware.
He’d hidden himself within the Senate walls. In the end, it’d worked out. A Senator had been trying to bully a shiny into his office. Fox had happened upon them at the right time, offered himself up instead.
When the shiny got back to the barracks and reported to Thorn, Fox knew he’d realise what was happening. Would know straight away that Fox wouldn’t want Cody to see him in the aftermath.
Fox had stumbled back hours later, throat swollen shut and ringed with fingerprints, blood and fluids he refused to think about between his thighs. Cody was long gone.
Thorn was there though.
He’d lain in the medical bed that night, staring at the ceiling with blossoms restings on his chin. His breath had become wheezing rasps lately, blossoms joined with specks of blood. There never seemed to be enough air, even within the carefully controlled environs of his helmet. The flowers were more crumpled, and he had to force them out. Petals still slipped from between his lips sometimes, but he’d hacked up clumps of them with more and more regularity.
Fox was pretty sure he was dying. Didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t dare reach out, bring his brothers into the viper’s nest. The fear of leaving Thorn to take his place sent pangs through his ribs and tears to his eyes. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t risk spreading this to anyone else.
By morning, he’d swallowed the petals he’d coughed up back down. There was nothing left for the medics to find.
----
He sits alone in his office, eyes gritty and sore, chest heaving under laboured breaths. It’s taking twice as long as it should to get through his datawork. The words waver and fold, and he’s fairly certain he keeps blacking out. He coughs weakly, feeling a soggy clump stick in the back of his throat, and forces himself to cough hard to bring it fully up. With a sigh he dumps it in his desk drawer, too exhausted to deal with it right now.
If he can get this last stack of datapads dealt with, he can sleep. He’s so close. Just needs to keep pushing a little longer...
He wakes to fingers stroking through his hair, and a mask tightly pressed to his face. There’s voices murmuring softly around him, and a hand wrapped tightly round his right wrist. As he drags himself awake, forcing crusty eyes to open, the fingers in his hair pause, and the conversation is cut off abruptly.
Fox opens his bleary eyes to the sight of several similar faces surrounding him. Bly sits to his left, his hand still cupped around Fox’s head. Thorn is to the right, and it’s his hand around his wrist. Cody, Wolffe, Gree and Rex are all leaning forwards in chairs or stood around the rest of his bed.
He blinks up at them, horror freezing his heart.
“Wha..” he coughs, wet and raspy, but thankfully nothing comes up. “What are you doing here", he slurs.
Thorn’s hand tightens painfully round his wrist, before relaxing. Wolffe’s face twists with anger, and Bly resumes stroking his hair.
“You nearly died, Fox,” Cody says, tone tight with something Fox doesn’t want to recognise. “Thorn found you in your office, blood and vomit all over your desk, and you face down in the middle of it, not breathing.”
“I had to do CPR on you Fox,” Thorn whispers, and Fox can’t look at the tears on his face. “Your heart stopped. They’ve had to resucitate you twice.”
Fox wheezes, trying to think. He doesn’t remember. Everything feels like it sits at a distance, just out of reach. Even his emotions feel muted. The initial fear at seeing his brothers around him has smoothed out into a dull ache between his lungs.
“I don’t...” He begins, and Wolffe throws himself to his feet, chair clattering behind him.
“You nearly died, Fox!” he snarls, fists clenched and face broken. “I just lost nearly the entirety of my pack and... And I can’t lose you too you fucker!” He swipes angrily at his eyes, and Fox can’t breath. Has never seen Wolffe cry. “Why have you been hiding all this from us!?” Wolffe demands, and Fox is pretty sure his heart stops. “Did you think we wouldn’t help you?”
“Wolffe,” Rex murmurs beside him, one hand coming round to rest on his shoulder. “He’s not strong enough for this right now.”
Wolffe crumbles under the words, sinking down out of sight. Rex and Ponds go with him, and Fox can hear soft sobs being met with gentle words.
“You have Hanahaki disease,” Cody states. Fox jerks, eyes flying to meet Cody’s, which stare fiercely back at him. “The healers say it’s one of the worst cases they’ve ever seen.”
Thorn shakes his wrist, and Fox snaps his eyes to him. “There were roots piercing through your lungs and wrapped around your heart. You were suffocating in your own blood. And if that didn’t kill you first, your heart was being slowly constricted.”
Fox stares. Doesn’t know what to say. He thinks he should feel scared, or worried. The Chancellor had told him it’d spread if he shared the feelings. And now everyone knew.
“You were lied to,” comes a stern voice, and a Twi’lek steps into view, blue lekku agitated over her shoulders. “I’m sorry for interrupting, but it was getting difficult to keep your emotions eased from a distance.”
“General Che,” Cody salutes respectfully, and the Twi’lek snorts bruqsuely.
“I am no General, Commander, I am a healer,” they move behind Thorn and checks some readings on a machine next to him, continuing to talk all the while. “Hanahaki disease cannot be spread. It only develops under very special circumstances.” They turn to Fox, staring down at him with kind eyes. “Someone wanted you silent, Commander, and it is with the greatest apologies that I admit the Jedi didn’t notice your pain.”
Fox blinks, confused and struggling to make what she’s saying make sense in his head. “I... It doesn’t?” His voice is faint and hoarse, the mask making it difficult to hear, but the Twi’lek nods firmly.
“Who told you that, Fox?” Thorn asks urgently, leaning forwards. Cody’s intent too, while Bly shifts uneasily in his chair.
“I... I can’t...” Fox rasps, knowing they won’t believe him anyway.
“Was it the Chancellor?” Bly asks quietly, and Fox startles badly, wrenching round and dislodging Bly’s hand from his hair. He stares wide-eyed at Bly’s sad smile, before being surprised again as Wolffe suddenly roars to his feet, slamming a fist into the wall.
“That kriffing bastard!” Wolffe snarls, as Gree and Rex clamber up beside him. Wolffe whirls round and stares down at Fox, one eye brown, the other cybernetic. Both pierce through him.
“He’s a Sith,” Gree states, and Fox really can’t take all these shocks anymore.
“Whu-What?” He gasps, right arm twisting under Thorn’s hand and fingers grasping for theirs.
“The Chancellor’s a Sith,” Cody repeats, arms folded and face calmly furious. “The strange scars on your body are from Sith lightning.”
How the hell do they know about his scars?
Thorn quirks a strained grin at him, even though Fox knows he didn’t say that out loud. “I had to pull all your armour off to do CPR. And then they cut away your bodysuit to get your heart started.” Thorn squeezes his fingers, and Fox realises he’s trembling. “I didn’t...” Thorn swallows. “I didn’t realise just how many scars you had...”
Fox leans his head back, looking at the pale-cream ceiling. He can’t look at any of them. No one was ever meant to see his body, see the story of what he’d given up for them.
It hurts deep in his chest to realise they all know now anyway.
The Twi’lek leans around Thorn and places gentle fingers on the side of his face. “The Lichtenberg figures were saturated in darkness,” they speak calmly, while Thorn lifts his hand and presses it to their lips. “They could only have been caused by the Sith.” Fox closes his eyes, feeling tears roll down into his hairline. “Attacks like that leave whispers of themselves in the Force. They lead us back to the Chancellor.”
Fox blinks his eyes open, glancing over at the Twi’lek in sudden realisation. Their face is open and honest. They hold his eyes as they say, “We went and confronted him shortly after realising, Commander. The Sith has been defeated and is no more.”
There’s awful, grating sounds in his ears, and it takes Thorn reaching over and dragging him against their chest for Fox to realise they’re coming from him. He’s weeping loudly and openly, pain spilling from his lips for everyone to see. Crimson petals float down against the bed covers, and suddenly there’s hands and bodies pressing against him anywhere they can get to.
Wolffe has climbed onto the bed, sitting hunched over his legs and digging desperate fingers into his chest. Bly leans in from behind him, stretched awkwardly over the bed and pressing his face into the back of Fox’s head. Gree has squeezed between Thorn and Wolffe to lay his hands over Fox’s and hold on tight. Cody and Rex move together, as always, and weave arms between them all to curl fingers against him wherever they can reach.
Healer Che quietly leaves the room and closes the door. With a smile, she makes a note on Fox’s file that he’s recovered enough for the surgery that will remove the mass from his chest.
Fox cries for a long time, emotions releasing painfully. The petals fall sporadically at first, but as he holds on to Thorn and Wolffe, feels the warmth of his brothers spreading through his skin, they slow down, and eventually, stop.
Fox isn’t okay, but he’s not alone anymore.
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