#thank you to liam for explaining the instructions in a soothing voice instead of watching me cry on the living room floor

[thechildoflightning]

Tectonic Plates- Ch1

Title: Tectonic Plates [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: None

~~~

Chapter Title: Divergent

Summary:

Since day one, Patton has always been an extraordinarily kind child. He's cared for everyone and always given people second chances. But when a group project, family strain, and medical issues begin to pile up, Patton has to learn that it's just important to take of himself as it is for others, and learn how to set appropriate boundaries.

Warnings: Memory Loss, Tics

[ao3 link]

~~~

Chapter One: Divergent

Patton quickly scrawls on his paper, desperately trying to copy down the lengthy requirements for the project, knowing that he will otherwise forget. Most of the rest of the class is scrambling around as they meet with their assigned groups. Patton’s pretty sure that his name had been called, but quickly forgot who was called with him. Instead of attempting to remember- which he knows will be futile- he decides he’ll let them come to him why he tries to get the rest of the requirements for the project down.

“Patton, right?” a girl says off to his side.

“Yeah,” Patton responds, “One minute.”

Quickly two other people join them, but Patton hardly pays attention as he continues to write.

“Can we get started?” the same girl repeats.

“I’m just finishing writing down the instructions.”

“Can’t you do that later?”

“I’ll forget, it’ll just take a second more,” he insists.

She huffs, but lets him continue.

Patton returns to his writing, looking back up at the screen and then down at the paper, trying to find where he left off.

“You’re at the third to last line,” the girl snaps, when he doesn’t immediately find his place.

Patton ducks his head, shoulders scrunching inwards, and finishes the last three lines without comment.

“Okay,” he says, putting it aside, “I’m done.”

The other three people have made a small circle with him. Most other groups are already chatting. Patton looks at his three partners and recognizes that he’s probably aware of them, but certainly doesn’t recognize them.

“Can we start with names?” he asks.

There’s a pause where none of them say anything.

“Hi,” he introduces, “I’m Patton.”

“I know,” the girl who spoke to him previously comments, “We have two classes together this year and we had math together last year. Do you really not know my name?”

Patton balks.

“Sorry,” he replies, as he tries to figure out what to share and what to leave out, because he knows how this goes. He’s seen as rude if he doesn’t say anything, but at the same time he really doesn’t want to share his whole medical history. He hates the casual ableism that expects him too. “I- uh, have memory issues.”

“Oh I get that,” one of the other members says, “I’m incredibly forgetful too!”

Yeah that's not what Patton meant. There’s a difference between forgetfulness and memory loss. But whatever, it isn’t something Patton wants to debate right now.

“Oh and I’m Alise,” she adds.

“Jack,” the boy at her side mutters.

The girl that originally interrupted Patton huffs but introduces herself as “Sabrina.”

Patton nods, scrawling each of the names on the page as his project even though he’ll probably forget that the names are there, and won't remember whose name was whose.

“Okay so I was thinking about the project and we have four weeks, so I started creating a timeline where each person can get their part done in a reasonable time in an orderly manner so we aren’t procrastinating or falling behind,” Sabrina says quickly, pulling out a paper and gesturing to it. “This project is worth a significant part of our final grade and it’s really important we do well on it.”

“Oh, uh, we actually get three extra weeks,” Patton says, “I have certain accommodations for schooling. This project we get to start with three extra weeks and then if we’re still struggling we can communicate that and potentially work other accommodations out too.”

“Accommodations?” the other girl asks. Patton fails to remember her name.

“Yeah,” Patton says, “I have accommodations in school due to disability. This project we get three extra weeks.”

“I don’t know about that,” the first girl says, and great now Patton’s forgot her name too.

“We do,” he says, “If you don’t understand or don’t believe me we can talk to Mr. Z.”

The girl hesitates. Patton waits.

“Okay… but like, those extra weeks are only if we need them, right?”

Yes. They extra weeks are there if they need them. Patton needs them. That’s why they’re there.

He doesn’t say anything.

“Right, so… we’ll just try not to use them then,” the girl remarks and what’s her name again? He looks down and there's three names scrawled across his paper, Jack, Sabrina, and Alise. So which one is she?

Patton could ask, but she doesn’t think she would take that kindly.

“Okay so here’s the plan…” she starts to explain, laying each part out. He’s already exhausted.

Patton ignores Dani’s and Liam’s arguing in the background, instead turning to watch Blythe enter the room and flop down on the couch next to him in preparation for family movie night.

“What are we watching?” she asks with a yawn.

Dani and Liam’s voices both rise to argue for their movie as their mom comes racing back in to settle them both. Blythe shares an amused smile with Patton. Patton rolls his eyes at his younger siblings- as if he didn’t get into similar bickering with his siblings on occasion- and turned back to his phone which had buzzed a few times in the past minutes.

He opens his phone to find a text string he doesn’t recognize. He frowns slightly and taps it. The texts at the beginning are a quick reminder or what it’s for: Patton’s newest group project. He saves all the numbers quickly and tries to commit their names to memory before glancing back at the actual texts.

They seem to be texting about meeting up one day, so Patton quickly finds the date planned.

“Hey Blythe,” he says when he finds it.

“Hmm?”

“Remember March 10th for me?”

“Sure,” she says.

Patton nods and closes his texts, going to the calendar app instead and landing on March. He stares at it for a second. He just said that date. What was it?

“What was the date?” he asks.

“March 10th,” Blythe responds back.

Patton nods and clicks on the date.

His schedule quickly comes up, and he frowns at the noticeable conflict.

“Blythe?”

“Ye- ACK- Yeah?”

“Doctor’s appointment, March 10th.”

“M’kay.”

Patton goes back to the group chat and texts out a quick apology, explaining he has a doctor’s appointment that day.

“Thanks Blythe.”

“No problem. Who do you think is gonna win?” she asks, nodding at Liam and Dani.

“Hmm?” Patton asks, putting his phone down. He turns to look at his younger siblings who are still arguing over movies, if much more calmly. “Liam,” he decides on, “He’s the baby. You can’t say no to him.”

“True- but he caves easily. My money’s on Dani.”

Patton settles in to watch.

Suddenly Blythe gets up next to him. Patton watches her with interest, expecting her to get involved in Liam and Dani’s movie debate. But Liam and Dani aren’t there anymore. In fact, Dani sprawled out against the other couch and Liam’s falling asleep in a bunch of pillows on the floor. Patton looks up and on the screen in front of him- the movies credits are rolling. Patton couldn’t say what movie. He doesn’t remember.

Holy shit did he just forget an entire two hours?

A full two hours. With no supplemental memories or feelings or- or anything?

Patton grabs at his mind and he thinks he was maybe… maybe content during the movie. The emotion is reassuring but he really can’t remember anything past that.

“I’m headed to bed- ACK ah-” Blythe announces, head twisting with a tic as she finishes her statement, “Night.”

She gets a chorus of replies and everyone else starts to move to return to their own rooms to sleep. Patton stays seated- still as he tries to process what happened.

“Pat?” Blythe asks, “Hey Pat, you okay?”

Blythe’s words draw everyone’s attention to him.

“I, uh-”

Is he okay?

Memory gaps like this- large ones with no additional information- have been happening more and more recently and they’re terrifying. It’s scary being somewhere one moment and then somewhere else the next and having to scramble for context clues to figure out everything in the middle.

Patton’s always dealt with time gaps, and while annoying he knows how to deal with them. But lately they’ve been getting worse and Patton doesn’t know what that means.

What if he forgets everything one day?

“Hey, hey,” Blythe soothes, coming back over to kneel at the couch in front of Patton. She offers a hand and Patton takes it. “What’s going on?”

What does Patton say?

“I- uh… Who won? Dani or Liam. With the movie?”

The room stops and Patton knows it’s his fault- it’s his stupid brain’s fault but he’s terrified right now and doesn’t know how to communicate that.

“Pat,” comes Liam’s small voice- much too small, “Pat do you not remember the movie?”

And how does Pat tell his little brother that no- no he doesn’t he has no clue what happened in the past two hours.

“Is Patton okay?” Dani asks. “Is he going to forget more?”

While Patton’s younger siblings worry over him- which while touching make Patton feel incredibly guilty- his mom approaches him.

“Blythe, can you please go help your Ma with your siblings?” she asks as she takes Patton’s other hand and rubs it comfortingly.

“Yeah,” Blythe responds easily, “ACK- Pat that okay with you?”

Patton nods and Blythe leaves.

“Do you know where you are?” is his mom’s first question.

“Yeah,” Patton answers and that’s relieving but he’s terrified, “yeah. We were going to watch a movie. For family movie night. Dani and Liam were arguing. Blythe sat with me. You and Ma were trying to get Dani and Liam to work it out. I don’t- I don’t remember after that. I think I had a good time though?”

“Okay. Thank you for telling me. How are you doing? Do you have any questions for me?”

Patton’s terrified. This is terrifying. But he can’t say that. It’s already bad enough, he doesn’t need to scare his entire family further. He never wants to hear that hint of fear in Liam's voice again, never wants to see the terror on Dani’s face as she considers that her brother might forget everything eventually.

“I’m fine,” he insists, “Are Dani and Liam okay?”

“They’ll be okay, but let's focus on you right now honey, okay?”

“Okay,” Patton agrees, not even trying to argue. He tilts his face down so he doesn’t have to look at his mom’s worried face. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. His mom continues to rub at his hand soothingly. The dog tries to wiggle her way into his lap, and Patton lets her. Her fur feels nice.

His ma comes back into the room, because she and mom exchange words quickly for a moment while Patton gets lost in his head. Eventually she kneels at his side as well and takes his other hand.

A lump forms in Patton’s throat.

He doesn’t want to cry.

He can’t cry.

He knows it’s okay if he cries. But if he cries that means he’s hurting and his moms can’t know that he’s hurting because they’ll feel bad and there’s nothing Patton can do to fix it. He doesn’t know how to fix this.

“How you doing, love?”

“Okay,” Pat replies.

“Okay. That’s good. Do you know where your notebook is?”

“My backpack? Or my desk. Probably.”

She nods and carefully pulls her hand away, most likely going in search for it.

She returns soon after, the light blue notebook clutched in her hand. She flicks through the patches, written accounts of Patton’s memory gaps. Full gaps, not just missing info. The past few months fill up almost as many pages as the rest of the book. It scares Patton.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” his Ma asks him, firm but somehow gentle. It’s information she needs, but Patton feels safe despite not quite knowing the answer.

“Dani and Liam were arguing about movies. Blythe and me were talking about who we thought would win.”

“Do you remember what Dani and Liam were saying? It’s okay if you don’t- I’m trying to get a more exact time if possible.”

Patton shakes his head.

“Okay,” his ma says, “That’s alright. We’ll ask Blythe. And what’s the next thing you remembered?”

“I- Blythe got up to go to bed. Everyone was on the couches. There were credits on the screen.”

She scrawls in the notebook. Patton knows it has to have been about two hours.

“Anything else you remember?” his mom gently prods as his ma writes.

It’s a question that often makes Patton feel guilty because the answer is often more likely ‘no’ than ‘yes,’ but he knows it’s necessary.

“I- I remember feeling content, I think,” he says,”I don’t remember anything about the movie or watching it- but I think I had a good time. I’m pretty sure.”

It’s not a concrete memory, but it’s an emotional one and it’s something.

At least he seemed to enjoy the movie, or the time with his family, or something. Right?

“Okay,” his ma says, and writes it down. “Just to remind you- you have a doctor’s appointment on the tenth to talk about the recent large gaps in your memory. It’s in your phone calendar, and the big calendar in the kitchen.”

“Oh. I do? That’s good.”

They need to figure this out. Patton wants it to stop. And if it can’t stop, they need to figure out how to deal with it because right now Patton’s terrified. His family’s terrified. Patton knows they are and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He has to fix it.

“Yeah. Do you want to go to bed? It’s late.”

“Okay,” Patton agrees, His voice echoes. He feels hollow.

His mom helps him up, a hand on his back for support and a hand in front in case he loses his balance. His knees and back both protest the movement. He wonders how long he was sitting in the same position for them to lock up like that.

Two hours. Patton lost two hours.

He goes to bed. Tries to sleep. His moms tell him goodnight and that they love him. It’s a simple gesture, his moms have always been so good at telling him that they love him and Patton knows they do. He’s never questioned their love. They love him unconditionally.

It makes Patton hurt inside.

They love him unconditionally.

And yet, look at what Patton’s putting them through.

They’d never stop loving him, Patton knows that.

But maybe they should. Patton keeps hurting them. He doesn’t want to hurt them.

~

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#ts sides #sanders sides #patton sanders #jksf #colupdate #memory loss #disabled patton sanders #chronic pain #family relationships #divergent #tectonic plates #angst #hurt/comfort #growth